Affair discovery anniversary is wedding anniversary

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your marriage is not in a better place. Stop kidding yourself.

Yes I agree. Maybe they need to stay with their spouse because of kids and finances. I get that. However, it won't ever be a real marriage. It's been contaminated and dirtied to the point there's no recovery. If a victim has to stay for whatever reason, I would move on but consider them my roommate going forward. I wouldn't tell them either, much like they didn't tell you your marriage was fake all along. If you can at some point get out then do so, but there's no marriage at this point.

I really don't think you can say a 20-year marriage, and most likely longer relationship from time they met was fake with a 1-month affair midlife. People do weird things in midlife, usually having to do with internal conflict and trauma, which is really outside the norm of their usual behavior.

Not all marriages are the same. Not all people are the same.

If it was a good relationship and happy marriage and family prior, if the betrayed shows serious remorse and does the work, it's not worth throwing everything away.

Unless you have been in a two decade long marriage with kids AND experienced this, you have no idea. Everyone says 'I would throw him/her' to the curb. Everyone. The reality of the situation is very different when it happens.

There are so many, SOOOO many who have been through this in the 20+ marriage category. 65%, and some don't even know it!

A lot of the marriages you think so highly of on the outside, just might have this secret. People rarely talk to others about it. One of the marriages I admired the most, just two great people that you can tell are deeply in love (not the fake social media type), the one they support and talk to one another and look at one another...shocked to find out 10 years later--that one of them had a midlife affair--wife confided in me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your marriage is not in a better place. Stop kidding yourself.

Yes I agree. Maybe they need to stay with their spouse because of kids and finances. I get that. However, it won't ever be a real marriage. It's been contaminated and dirtied to the point there's no recovery. If a victim has to stay for whatever reason, I would move on but consider them my roommate going forward. I wouldn't tell them either, much like they didn't tell you your marriage was fake all along. If you can at some point get out then do so, but there's no marriage at this point.

I really don't think you can say a 20-year marriage, and most likely longer relationship from time they met was fake with a 1-month affair midlife. People do weird things in midlife, usually having to do with internal conflict and trauma, which is really outside the norm of their usual behavior.

Not all marriages are the same. Not all people are the same.

If it was a good relationship and happy marriage and family prior, if the betrayed shows serious remorse and does the work, it's not worth throwing everything away.

Unless you have been in a two decade long marriage with kids AND experienced this, you have no idea. Everyone says 'I would throw him/her' to the curb. Everyone. The reality of the situation is very different when it happens.

There are so many, SOOOO many who have been through this in the 20+ marriage category. 65%, and some don't even know it!

A lot of the marriages you think so highly of on the outside, just might have this secret. People rarely talk to others about it. One of the marriages I admired the most, just two great people that you can tell are deeply in love (not the fake social media type), the one they support and talk to one another and look at one another...shocked to find out 10 years later--that one of them had a midlife affair--wife confided in me.

Why do you think the wife told you that?

It's still pretty stupid to claim an affair made your marriage better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your marriage is not in a better place. Stop kidding yourself.

Yes I agree. Maybe they need to stay with their spouse because of kids and finances. I get that. However, it won't ever be a real marriage. It's been contaminated and dirtied to the point there's no recovery. If a victim has to stay for whatever reason, I would move on but consider them my roommate going forward. I wouldn't tell them either, much like they didn't tell you your marriage was fake all along. If you can at some point get out then do so, but there's no marriage at this point.

I really don't think you can say a 20-year marriage, and most likely longer relationship from time they met was fake with a 1-month affair midlife. People do weird things in midlife, usually having to do with internal conflict and trauma, which is really outside the norm of their usual behavior.

Not all marriages are the same. Not all people are the same.

If it was a good relationship and happy marriage and family prior, if the betrayed shows serious remorse and does the work, it's not worth throwing everything away.

Unless you have been in a two decade long marriage with kids AND experienced this, you have no idea. Everyone says 'I would throw him/her' to the curb. Everyone. The reality of the situation is very different when it happens.

There are so many, SOOOO many who have been through this in the 20+ marriage category. 65%, and some don't even know it!

A lot of the marriages you think so highly of on the outside, just might have this secret. People rarely talk to others about it. One of the marriages I admired the most, just two great people that you can tell are deeply in love (not the fake social media type), the one they support and talk to one another and look at one another...shocked to find out 10 years later--that one of them had a midlife affair--wife confided in me.

Why do you think the wife told you that?

It's still pretty stupid to claim an affair made your marriage better.

I mentioned how great her marriage was when we were having other issues (not infidelity). Her point was every long marriage has something. She is very happy and said he did a ton of therapy and they still see a counselor once a month or so and communicate and love so much better now.

Living with resentment and hidden issues and non-authentically like a lot of 'stay together for the kids' where they openly despise one another or never have sex, merely to avoid divorce stigma...like A LOT OF marriages approaching empty nest... or take it down to the studs and rebuild. Sometimes people would never have gotten there without the marriage hitting absolute rock bottom...and an affair is certainly rock bottom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your marriage is not in a better place. Stop kidding yourself.

Yes I agree. Maybe they need to stay with their spouse because of kids and finances. I get that. However, it won't ever be a real marriage. It's been contaminated and dirtied to the point there's no recovery. If a victim has to stay for whatever reason, I would move on but consider them my roommate going forward. I wouldn't tell them either, much like they didn't tell you your marriage was fake all along. If you can at some point get out then do so, but there's no marriage at this point.

I really don't think you can say a 20-year marriage, and most likely longer relationship from time they met was fake with a 1-month affair midlife. People do weird things in midlife, usually having to do with internal conflict and trauma, which is really outside the norm of their usual behavior.

Not all marriages are the same. Not all people are the same.

If it was a good relationship and happy marriage and family prior, if the betrayed shows serious remorse and does the work, it's not worth throwing everything away.

Unless you have been in a two decade long marriage with kids AND experienced this, you have no idea. Everyone says 'I would throw him/her' to the curb. Everyone. The reality of the situation is very different when it happens.

There are so many, SOOOO many who have been through this in the 20+ marriage category. 65%, and some don't even know it!

A lot of the marriages you think so highly of on the outside, just might have this secret. People rarely talk to others about it. One of the marriages I admired the most, just two great people that you can tell are deeply in love (not the fake social media type), the one they support and talk to one another and look at one another...shocked to find out 10 years later--that one of them had a midlife affair--wife confided in me.

Why do you think the wife told you that?

It's still pretty stupid to claim an affair made your marriage better.

When pp claimed "one of the marriages I admired the most", I knew that was a red flag. I've had close friends whereby from the outside you thought they were the happily married couple. If one cheated I think that says it all pp. It's like the Jones with the big house, and designer car who are swimming in debt. I know a few of those too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your marriage is not in a better place. Stop kidding yourself.

Yes I agree. Maybe they need to stay with their spouse because of kids and finances. I get that. However, it won't ever be a real marriage. It's been contaminated and dirtied to the point there's no recovery. If a victim has to stay for whatever reason, I would move on but consider them my roommate going forward. I wouldn't tell them either, much like they didn't tell you your marriage was fake all along. If you can at some point get out then do so, but there's no marriage at this point.

I really don't think you can say a 20-year marriage, and most likely longer relationship from time they met was fake with a 1-month affair midlife. People do weird things in midlife, usually having to do with internal conflict and trauma, which is really outside the norm of their usual behavior.

Not all marriages are the same. Not all people are the same.

If it was a good relationship and happy marriage and family prior, if the betrayed shows serious remorse and does the work, it's not worth throwing everything away.

Unless you have been in a two decade long marriage with kids AND experienced this, you have no idea. Everyone says 'I would throw him/her' to the curb. Everyone. The reality of the situation is very different when it happens.

There are so many, SOOOO many who have been through this in the 20+ marriage category. 65%, and some don't even know it!

A lot of the marriages you think so highly of on the outside, just might have this secret. People rarely talk to others about it. One of the marriages I admired the most, just two great people that you can tell are deeply in love (not the fake social media type), the one they support and talk to one another and look at one another...shocked to find out 10 years later--that one of them had a midlife affair--wife confided in me.

Why do you think the wife told you that?

It's still pretty stupid to claim an affair made your marriage better.

I mentioned how great her marriage was when we were having other issues (not infidelity). Her point was every long marriage has something. She is very happy and said he did a ton of therapy and they still see a counselor once a month or so and communicate and love so much better now.

Living with resentment and hidden issues and non-authentically like a lot of 'stay together for the kids' where they openly despise one another or never have sex, merely to avoid divorce stigma...like A LOT OF marriages approaching empty nest... or take it down to the studs and rebuild. Sometimes people would never have gotten there without the marriage hitting absolute rock bottom...and an affair is certainly rock bottom.

No one said to despise anyone. It simply won't be the same for the cheated on spouse. There are also many co-dependent spouses that will stay because they are in a cycle of bad behavior, and they continue to excuse it. Whatever the outcome, stay or leave I would advocate moving on mentally and making oneself happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your marriage is not in a better place. Stop kidding yourself.

Yes I agree. Maybe they need to stay with their spouse because of kids and finances. I get that. However, it won't ever be a real marriage. It's been contaminated and dirtied to the point there's no recovery. If a victim has to stay for whatever reason, I would move on but consider them my roommate going forward. I wouldn't tell them either, much like they didn't tell you your marriage was fake all along. If you can at some point get out then do so, but there's no marriage at this point.

I really don't think you can say a 20-year marriage, and most likely longer relationship from time they met was fake with a 1-month affair midlife. People do weird things in midlife, usually having to do with internal conflict and trauma, which is really outside the norm of their usual behavior.

Not all marriages are the same. Not all people are the same.

If it was a good relationship and happy marriage and family prior, if the betrayed shows serious remorse and does the work, it's not worth throwing everything away.

Unless you have been in a two decade long marriage with kids AND experienced this, you have no idea. Everyone says 'I would throw him/her' to the curb. Everyone. The reality of the situation is very different when it happens.

There are so many, SOOOO many who have been through this in the 20+ marriage category. 65%, and some don't even know it!

A lot of the marriages you think so highly of on the outside, just might have this secret. People rarely talk to others about it. One of the marriages I admired the most, just two great people that you can tell are deeply in love (not the fake social media type), the one they support and talk to one another and look at one another...shocked to find out 10 years later--that one of them had a midlife affair--wife confided in me.

Why do you think the wife told you that?

It's still pretty stupid to claim an affair made your marriage better.

When pp claimed "one of the marriages I admired the most", I knew that was a red flag. I've had close friends whereby from the outside you thought they were the happily married couple. If one cheated I think that says it all pp. It's like the Jones with the big house, and designer car who are swimming in debt. I know a few of those too!

I know a few where the wives are having multiple affairs on Ashley Madison while playing 'perfect wife' and 'mom of the year' on social media. They look like your typical middle aged SAHM so nobody is the wiser.

[Anonymous]

I cannot for the life of me imagine trying to stay with a spouse who was unfaithful, and I used to think it was a bad choice, but then I randomly heard more stories about spouses who stayed and worked through it. Not because the spouses were financially insecure or staying for the sake of the kids but because the emotional benefits of trying to make it work outweighed the emotional benefits of leaving.

After hearing those stories I recognize that no two situation is the same and the fact that the one who was cheated on gives their spouse a second chance doesn’t mean they are a doormat. It might mean they are really strong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your marriage is not in a better place. Stop kidding yourself.

Yes I agree. Maybe they need to stay with their spouse because of kids and finances. I get that. However, it won't ever be a real marriage. It's been contaminated and dirtied to the point there's no recovery. If a victim has to stay for whatever reason, I would move on but consider them my roommate going forward. I wouldn't tell them either, much like they didn't tell you your marriage was fake all along. If you can at some point get out then do so, but there's no marriage at this point.

I really don't think you can say a 20-year marriage, and most likely longer relationship from time they met was fake with a 1-month affair midlife. People do weird things in midlife, usually having to do with internal conflict and trauma, which is really outside the norm of their usual behavior.

Not all marriages are the same. Not all people are the same.

If it was a good relationship and happy marriage and family prior, if the betrayed shows serious remorse and does the work, it's not worth throwing everything away.

Unless you have been in a two decade long marriage with kids AND experienced this, you have no idea. Everyone says 'I would throw him/her' to the curb. Everyone. The reality of the situation is very different when it happens.

There are so many, SOOOO many who have been through this in the 20+ marriage category. 65%, and some don't even know it!

A lot of the marriages you think so highly of on the outside, just might have this secret. People rarely talk to others about it. One of the marriages I admired the most, just two great people that you can tell are deeply in love (not the fake social media type), the one they support and talk to one another and look at one another...shocked to find out 10 years later--that one of them had a midlife affair--wife confided in me.

Why do you think the wife told you that?

It's still pretty stupid to claim an affair made your marriage better.

I mentioned how great her marriage was when we were having other issues (not infidelity). Her point was every long marriage has something. She is very happy and said he did a ton of therapy and they still see a counselor once a month or so and communicate and love so much better now.

Living with resentment and hidden issues and non-authentically like a lot of 'stay together for the kids' where they openly despise one another or never have sex, merely to avoid divorce stigma...like A LOT OF marriages approaching empty nest... or take it down to the studs and rebuild. Sometimes people would never have gotten there without the marriage hitting absolute rock bottom...and an affair is certainly rock bottom.

No one said to despise anyone. It simply won't be the same for the cheated on spouse. There are also many co-dependent spouses that will stay because they are in a cycle of bad behavior, and they continue to excuse it. Whatever the outcome, stay or leave I would advocate moving on mentally and making oneself happy.

Except what you are proposing doesn’t lead to happiness or peace. Radical acceptance, recovery, and forgiveness are the path to true happiness. You get to a place where the affair no longer has an emotion hold on you. Acceptance creates an environment where the affair is just another fact in your history. Like an address, vacation, or death in the family. It just is an event. It no longer holds power. And forgiveness releases the cheater from owing you anything more. You also forgive yourself (for thoughts that you weren’t good enough, beautiful enough, sexy enough, naive to not detect the affair). Then you can love again. It’s a clean slate. Staying angry and detached to pay back and punish your spouse will leave you stuck in resentment. That’s not a road to happiness.

[Anonymous]

I personally wouldn't do a vow renewal. The only people I know who have done them, do so because of cheating, and the relationship falls apart there after.

Instead I would celebrate the day you met as your anniversary date.

Best of luck to you, and all the healing wishes in the world.

[Anonymous]

Just wanted to add that this is what celebrating an anniversary of a marriage is about. It's that you made it through hell, and turned it around. That's the milestone.

[Anonymous]

Don’t celebrate it, punish him for it, he deserves it and will always deserve it. Let him mope and remember how he ruined your marriage.

Then consider divorce, this is still obviously bothering you and rightfully so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your marriage is not in a better place. Stop kidding yourself.

Yes I agree. Maybe they need to stay with their spouse because of kids and finances. I get that. However, it won't ever be a real marriage. It's been contaminated and dirtied to the point there's no recovery. If a victim has to stay for whatever reason, I would move on but consider them my roommate going forward. I wouldn't tell them either, much like they didn't tell you your marriage was fake all along. If you can at some point get out then do so, but there's no marriage at this point.

I really don't think you can say a 20-year marriage, and most likely longer relationship from time they met was fake with a 1-month affair midlife. People do weird things in midlife, usually having to do with internal conflict and trauma, which is really outside the norm of their usual behavior.

Not all marriages are the same. Not all people are the same.

If it was a good relationship and happy marriage and family prior, if the betrayed shows serious remorse and does the work, it's not worth throwing everything away.

Unless you have been in a two decade long marriage with kids AND experienced this, you have no idea. Everyone says 'I would throw him/her' to the curb. Everyone. The reality of the situation is very different when it happens.

There are so many, SOOOO many who have been through this in the 20+ marriage category. 65%, and some don't even know it!

A lot of the marriages you think so highly of on the outside, just might have this secret. People rarely talk to others about it. One of the marriages I admired the most, just two great people that you can tell are deeply in love (not the fake social media type), the one they support and talk to one another and look at one another...shocked to find out 10 years later--that one of them had a midlife affair--wife confided in me.

Why do you think the wife told you that?

It's still pretty stupid to claim an affair made your marriage better.

I mentioned how great her marriage was when we were having other issues (not infidelity). Her point was every long marriage has something. She is very happy and said he did a ton of therapy and they still see a counselor once a month or so and communicate and love so much better now.

Living with resentment and hidden issues and non-authentically like a lot of 'stay together for the kids' where they openly despise one another or never have sex, merely to avoid divorce stigma...like A LOT OF marriages approaching empty nest... or take it down to the studs and rebuild. Sometimes people would never have gotten there without the marriage hitting absolute rock bottom...and an affair is certainly rock bottom.

No one said to despise anyone. It simply won't be the same for the cheated on spouse. There are also many co-dependent spouses that will stay because they are in a cycle of bad behavior, and they continue to excuse it. Whatever the outcome, stay or leave I would advocate moving on mentally and making oneself happy.

Except what you are proposing doesn’t lead to happiness or peace. Radical acceptance, recovery, and forgiveness are the path to true happiness. You get to a place where the affair no longer has an emotion hold on you. Acceptance creates an environment where the affair is just another fact in your history. Like an address, vacation, or death in the family. It just is an event. It no longer holds power. And forgiveness releases the cheater from owing you anything more. You also forgive yourself (for thoughts that you weren’t good enough, beautiful enough, sexy enough, naive to not detect the affair). Then you can love again. It’s a clean slate. Staying angry and detached to pay back and punish your spouse will leave you stuck in resentment. That’s not a road to happiness.

NP here. Why would forgiving the cheater mean you they don’t owe you anything anymore? I suppose I don’t like the idea of “owing” somebody anything in the context of a relationship where everything given should be freely given out of love, but I just don’t understand your statement. It sounds like you’re saying that cheaters should just be let off the hook instead of being held accountable.

And why would you say that being angry and detached had anything to do with paying back your spouse? I mean, it might, but I don’t see anybody advocating that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I cannot for the life of me imagine trying to stay with a spouse who was unfaithful, and I used to think it was a bad choice, but then I randomly heard more stories about spouses who stayed and worked through it. Not because the spouses were financially insecure or staying for the sake of the kids but because the emotional benefits of trying to make it work outweighed the emotional benefits of leaving.

After hearing those stories I recognize that no two situation is the same and the fact that the one who was cheated on gives their spouse a second chance doesn’t mean they are a doormat. It might mean they are really strong.

You're always going to look at the financial consequences because no matter what walk of life it's still divided by 2 which is a big hit to ANYONE. Let's not minimize that. Whether your kids are grown or not, it changes the family dynamics FOREVER. The kids don't want steps, nor to go to different homes. With jobs and time limited it makes life that much harder. Then if you're 40 or up everyone else has kids which means you're going to be stuck with your new partners kids as well. Maybe your kids won't like their kids etc. There's a reason most second marriages don't work. The other percentage has a high dissatisfaction rate. Many women are realistic and know the odds of finding Prince Charming are against them, so often they choose to stay with a bad partner that cheated. I don't think OP can ever forget. The fact she can't celebrate her wedding anniversary is going to be a big stain no matter what. OP I would probably treat it like any other day, and not celebrate it period. This is part of what he chose to do. He can't take it back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot for the life of me imagine trying to stay with a spouse who was unfaithful, and I used to think it was a bad choice, but then I randomly heard more stories about spouses who stayed and worked through it. Not because the spouses were financially insecure or staying for the sake of the kids but because the emotional benefits of trying to make it work outweighed the emotional benefits of leaving.

After hearing those stories I recognize that no two situation is the same and the fact that the one who was cheated on gives their spouse a second chance doesn’t mean they are a doormat. It might mean they are really strong.

You're always going to look at the financial consequences because no matter what walk of life it's still divided by 2 which is a big hit to ANYONE. Let's not minimize that. Whether your kids are grown or not, it changes the family dynamics FOREVER. The kids don't want steps, nor to go to different homes. With jobs and time limited it makes life that much harder. Then if you're 40 or up everyone else has kids which means you're going to be stuck with your new partners kids as well. Maybe your kids won't like their kids etc. There's a reason most second marriages don't work. The other percentage has a high dissatisfaction rate. Many women are realistic and know the odds of finding Prince Charming are against them, so often they choose to stay with a bad partner that cheated. I don't think OP can ever forget. The fact she can't celebrate her wedding anniversary is going to be a big stain no matter what. OP I would probably treat it like any other day, and not celebrate it period. This is part of what he chose to do. He can't take it back.

PP here and I totally agree with everything you said. Especially the part about not celebrating the anniversary. I am also a child of divorced parents so I definitely have an idea of how hard divorce is and why somebody might not want to divorce even if it means hurting your psyche by staying with a cheater. I was just surprised to learn that in some cases reconciliation (not forgetting or sweeping it under the rug) really could be best. Maybe I shouldn’t have been surprised, but I truly thought that nobody should stay with a cheating spouse.

I wouldn’t though. I have seen the difficulties of divorce many times over and I’m not afraid of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your marriage is not in a better place. Stop kidding yourself.

Yes I agree. Maybe they need to stay with their spouse because of kids and finances. I get that. However, it won't ever be a real marriage. It's been contaminated and dirtied to the point there's no recovery. If a victim has to stay for whatever reason, I would move on but consider them my roommate going forward. I wouldn't tell them either, much like they didn't tell you your marriage was fake all along. If you can at some point get out then do so, but there's no marriage at this point.

I really don't think you can say a 20-year marriage, and most likely longer relationship from time they met was fake with a 1-month affair midlife. People do weird things in midlife, usually having to do with internal conflict and trauma, which is really outside the norm of their usual behavior.

Not all marriages are the same. Not all people are the same.

If it was a good relationship and happy marriage and family prior, if the betrayed shows serious remorse and does the work, it's not worth throwing everything away.

Unless you have been in a two decade long marriage with kids AND experienced this, you have no idea. Everyone says 'I would throw him/her' to the curb. Everyone. The reality of the situation is very different when it happens.

There are so many, SOOOO many who have been through this in the 20+ marriage category. 65%, and some don't even know it!

A lot of the marriages you think so highly of on the outside, just might have this secret. People rarely talk to others about it. One of the marriages I admired the most, just two great people that you can tell are deeply in love (not the fake social media type), the one they support and talk to one another and look at one another...shocked to find out 10 years later--that one of them had a midlife affair--wife confided in me.

Why do you think the wife told you that?

It's still pretty stupid to claim an affair made your marriage better.

I mentioned how great her marriage was when we were having other issues (not infidelity). Her point was every long marriage has something. She is very happy and said he did a ton of therapy and they still see a counselor once a month or so and communicate and love so much better now.

Living with resentment and hidden issues and non-authentically like a lot of 'stay together for the kids' where they openly despise one another or never have sex, merely to avoid divorce stigma...like A LOT OF marriages approaching empty nest... or take it down to the studs and rebuild. Sometimes people would never have gotten there without the marriage hitting absolute rock bottom...and an affair is certainly rock bottom.

No one said to despise anyone. It simply won't be the same for the cheated on spouse. There are also many co-dependent spouses that will stay because they are in a cycle of bad behavior, and they continue to excuse it. Whatever the outcome, stay or leave I would advocate moving on mentally and making oneself happy.

Except what you are proposing doesn’t lead to happiness or peace. Radical acceptance, recovery, and forgiveness are the path to true happiness. You get to a place where the affair no longer has an emotion hold on you. Acceptance creates an environment where the affair is just another fact in your history. Like an address, vacation, or death in the family. It just is an event. It no longer holds power. And forgiveness releases the cheater from owing you anything more. You also forgive yourself (for thoughts that you weren’t good enough, beautiful enough, sexy enough, naive to not detect the affair). Then you can love again. It’s a clean slate. Staying angry and detached to pay back and punish your spouse will leave you stuck in resentment. That’s not a road to happiness.

NP here. Why would forgiving the cheater mean you they don’t owe you anything anymore? I suppose I don’t like the idea of “owing” somebody anything in the context of a relationship where everything given should be freely given out of love, but I just don’t understand your statement. It sounds like you’re saying that cheaters should just be let off the hook instead of being held accountable.

And why would you say that being angry and detached had anything to do with paying back your spouse? I mean, it might, but I don’t see anybody advocating that.

I would say move forward and make yourself happy. In fact, don't let his cheating prevent that. My happiness doesn't depend on a man, nor did I ever see having a man as winning the jackpot like so many women. Reality is many women do have to stay, but they can be happy and move forward. No one said stay angry, or punish anyone. A cheater can't expect the relationship to ever be the same. It simply won't.