If you're a POC, do you feel like you need mainly POC friends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to give more examples. You basically only argue that you were mad a friend called over the summer. Did you not want any white friends to call the entire summer? Did you want them to ask how you were doing (FWIW white people have basically been told to not ask POC how they’re doing because we just don’t get it). Do you want them to say nothing on social media? Do you want real, flawed friends who aren’t gold medalists in the whole olympics or are you as hell bent as you seem on ditching all your white friends because you’re racist too?

I don’t want to ditch anyone (as I’ve stated before several times), I simply feel that it’s harder to connect with people on a deeper level if they, at baseline, don’t understand what you’re going through. There’s nothing wrong with being friendly, close even but there is still some distance. FTR, I have a white friend who doesn’t just pay lip service but she also walks the walk. She makes actual conscious efforts to be an advocate and an ally for POC. She checked in with me this summer and said “I can’t know exactly how you feel, so I won’t claim to understand but I’m here for you. If you don’t want to talk I get it, but please always feel safe to vent, ruminate etc” and that honestly was so genuine and caring of her.

[Anonymous]

I think a major issue is a lot of white people who consider themselves to be allies end up coming across as selfish. They make the situation about themselves and their feelings and what they should be doing is opening up a space for POC to exist safely.

It’s a “I want this to be over so I don’t have to be uncomfortable anymore” kinda feeling and it’s totally misguided.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I debated asking this, but this is the only place I can really say this since it's relatively anon.

I'm a Black woman, youngish, no kids yet. I have friends of all racial/ethnic backgrounds. Recently, it's become important to me to have more WOC as friends that I can connect with on a deeper level. I guess it started when my white friends (while supportive) seem to just not get it. They consider themselves "woke" and culturally competent, but ultimately show their ingrained biases in small ways. Also, I feel that a lot of times when the black community as a whole is suffering, they pick that time to make it about their feelings or their problems.

For example, when the protests were going on over the summer, I was feeling anxious about all the racial tensions. I was worried about my black husband walking (and driving) around in public, not the DC area btw). At this time, one of my white friends called me to tell me about her problems and seeking advice about buying a house and relationship issues. While I don't have a problem talking about everyday minutia, I felt kind of annoyed that she claimed to know/understand what Black people were going through (sharing posts on FB, posting #BLM) but the sensitivity seemed to be totally lacking. For contrast, when there had been several antisemitic attacks around the country during Hanukkah, I didn't call up my Orthodox Jewish friend for a regular convo to vent about the random annoyances in my life (like the dog having accidents in the house) because I knew she was probably emotionally spent by all the things going on against her community. I would like to say that while not all white people behave this way, it's a common enough occurrence that it is really obnoxious.

That being said, do you feel like you (a POC) need more friends within your community to relate to during trying times? I imagine it's like how special needs parents need their groups dedicated to parents of kids with SN because it would get old to be in a group full of parents talking about their NT kids and no one seems to be able to relate to your experience.

What do you think?

Your friends are now supposed to make assumptions about you and your emotional state based on your skin color? Given that black people were not being randomly attacked during the summer, most people would not have assumed your level of anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I debated asking this, but this is the only place I can really say this since it's relatively anon.

I'm a Black woman, youngish, no kids yet. I have friends of all racial/ethnic backgrounds. Recently, it's become important to me to have more WOC as friends that I can connect with on a deeper level. I guess it started when my white friends (while supportive) seem to just not get it. They consider themselves "woke" and culturally competent, but ultimately show their ingrained biases in small ways. Also, I feel that a lot of times when the black community as a whole is suffering, they pick that time to make it about their feelings or their problems.

For example, when the protests were going on over the summer, I was feeling anxious about all the racial tensions. I was worried about my black husband walking (and driving) around in public, not the DC area btw). At this time, one of my white friends called me to tell me about her problems and seeking advice about buying a house and relationship issues. While I don't have a problem talking about everyday minutia, I felt kind of annoyed that she claimed to know/understand what Black people were going through (sharing posts on FB, posting #BLM) but the sensitivity seemed to be totally lacking. For contrast, when there had been several antisemitic attacks around the country during Hanukkah, I didn't call up my Orthodox Jewish friend for a regular convo to vent about the random annoyances in my life (like the dog having accidents in the house) because I knew she was probably emotionally spent by all the things going on against her community. I would like to say that while not all white people behave this way, it's a common enough occurrence that it is really obnoxious.

That being said, do you feel like you (a POC) need more friends within your community to relate to during trying times? I imagine it's like how special needs parents need their groups dedicated to parents of kids with SN because it would get old to be in a group full of parents talking about their NT kids and no one seems to be able to relate to your experience.

What do you think?

Your friends are now supposed to make assumptions about you and your emotional state based on your skin color? Given that black people were not being randomly attacked during the summer, most people would not have assumed your level of anxiety.

Actually, Ahmad Arbery was randomly attacked by racist white people. It wasn’t all about “f the police”. It was the fear that someone could just hunt you down because they didn’t like black people and thought you didn’t belong jogging in their neighborhood and then afterward, it would take weeks for the killer to even be arrested. Meanwhile the killers filmed themselves committing the crime.

Also several instances of black men being found hanging in trees, quickly ruled suicide but plenty of people didn’t agree with that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Self-segregation is still segregation.

And we all know there is no such thing as separate but equal.

Op here,

Not asking to segregate or be separate at all. I’m happy to have friends of all backgrounds. My point was that during rough times for my community, it’s nice to have friends who get it and are also feeling the anxiety, fear, etc that I’m feeling instead of just changing the subject and pretending it doesn’t exist because they changed their profile pic to a black square.

Your reply reminds me of the 90s tee shirt popular on campus:

“It’s a black thing. You wouldn’t understand”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I debated asking this, but this is the only place I can really say this since it's relatively anon.

I'm a Black woman, youngish, no kids yet. I have friends of all racial/ethnic backgrounds. Recently, it's become important to me to have more WOC as friends that I can connect with on a deeper level. I guess it started when my white friends (while supportive) seem to just not get it. They consider themselves "woke" and culturally competent, but ultimately show their ingrained biases in small ways. Also, I feel that a lot of times when the black community as a whole is suffering, they pick that time to make it about their feelings or their problems.

For example, when the protests were going on over the summer, I was feeling anxious about all the racial tensions. I was worried about my black husband walking (and driving) around in public, not the DC area btw). At this time, one of my white friends called me to tell me about her problems and seeking advice about buying a house and relationship issues. While I don't have a problem talking about everyday minutia, I felt kind of annoyed that she claimed to know/understand what Black people were going through (sharing posts on FB, posting #BLM) but the sensitivity seemed to be totally lacking. For contrast, when there had been several antisemitic attacks around the country during Hanukkah, I didn't call up my Orthodox Jewish friend for a regular convo to vent about the random annoyances in my life (like the dog having accidents in the house) because I knew she was probably emotionally spent by all the things going on against her community. I would like to say that while not all white people behave this way, it's a common enough occurrence that it is really obnoxious.

That being said, do you feel like you (a POC) need more friends within your community to relate to during trying times? I imagine it's like how special needs parents need their groups dedicated to parents of kids with SN because it would get old to be in a group full of parents talking about their NT kids and no one seems to be able to relate to your experience.

What do you think?

Your friends are now supposed to make assumptions about you and your emotional state based on your skin color? Given that black people were not being randomly attacked during the summer, most people would not have assumed your level of anxiety.

Wow. You really don't get it do you. Tamir Rice was playing with a TOY gun- he was 12. Atatiana Jefferson was inside a house watching her nephew. Breonna Taylor was asleep when a no-knock warrant was served. Stephon Clark was standing in his back yard. Botham Jean was sitting in his apartment. Elijah McClain was walking home from a convenience store.

Do I need to continue for you to get it? Because there are more.

[Anonymous]

I'm 35, grew up in a predominantly white area, but graduated from a HBCU. I still had a pretty diverse group of friends in college, but once I got around your age OP, I transitioned to having mostly POC friends. I rarely associate with white people outside of work. My family is also pretty diverse(Latino and white), but black people seem to connect with me more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I debated asking this, but this is the only place I can really say this since it's relatively anon.

I'm a Black woman, youngish, no kids yet. I have friends of all racial/ethnic backgrounds. Recently, it's become important to me to have more WOC as friends that I can connect with on a deeper level. I guess it started when my white friends (while supportive) seem to just not get it. They consider themselves "woke" and culturally competent, but ultimately show their ingrained biases in small ways. Also, I feel that a lot of times when the black community as a whole is suffering, they pick that time to make it about their feelings or their problems.

For example, when the protests were going on over the summer, I was feeling anxious about all the racial tensions. I was worried about my black husband walking (and driving) around in public, not the DC area btw). At this time, one of my white friends called me to tell me about her problems and seeking advice about buying a house and relationship issues. While I don't have a problem talking about everyday minutia, I felt kind of annoyed that she claimed to know/understand what Black people were going through (sharing posts on FB, posting #BLM) but the sensitivity seemed to be totally lacking. For contrast, when there had been several antisemitic attacks around the country during Hanukkah, I didn't call up my Orthodox Jewish friend for a regular convo to vent about the random annoyances in my life (like the dog having accidents in the house) because I knew she was probably emotionally spent by all the things going on against her community. I would like to say that while not all white people behave this way, it's a common enough occurrence that it is really obnoxious.

That being said, do you feel like you (a POC) need more friends within your community to relate to during trying times? I imagine it's like how special needs parents need their groups dedicated to parents of kids with SN because it would get old to be in a group full of parents talking about their NT kids and no one seems to be able to relate to your experience.

What do you think?

Your friends are now supposed to make assumptions about you and your emotional state based on your skin color? Given that black people were not being randomly attacked during the summer, most people would not have assumed your level of anxiety.

Wow. You really don't get it do you. Tamir Rice was playing with a TOY gun- he was 12. Atatiana Jefferson was inside a house watching her nephew. Breonna Taylor was asleep when a no-knock warrant was served. Stephon Clark was standing in his back yard. Botham Jean was sitting in his apartment. Elijah McClain was walking home from a convenience store.

Do I need to continue for you to get it? Because there are more.

This!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I debated asking this, but this is the only place I can really say this since it's relatively anon.

I'm a Black woman, youngish, no kids yet. I have friends of all racial/ethnic backgrounds. Recently, it's become important to me to have more WOC as friends that I can connect with on a deeper level. I guess it started when my white friends (while supportive) seem to just not get it. They consider themselves "woke" and culturally competent, but ultimately show their ingrained biases in small ways. Also, I feel that a lot of times when the black community as a whole is suffering, they pick that time to make it about their feelings or their problems.

For example, when the protests were going on over the summer, I was feeling anxious about all the racial tensions. I was worried about my black husband walking (and driving) around in public, not the DC area btw). At this time, one of my white friends called me to tell me about her problems and seeking advice about buying a house and relationship issues. While I don't have a problem talking about everyday minutia, I felt kind of annoyed that she claimed to know/understand what Black people were going through (sharing posts on FB, posting #BLM) but the sensitivity seemed to be totally lacking. For contrast, when there had been several antisemitic attacks around the country during Hanukkah, I didn't call up my Orthodox Jewish friend for a regular convo to vent about the random annoyances in my life (like the dog having accidents in the house) because I knew she was probably emotionally spent by all the things going on against her community. I would like to say that while not all white people behave this way, it's a common enough occurrence that it is really obnoxious.

That being said, do you feel like you (a POC) need more friends within your community to relate to during trying times? I imagine it's like how special needs parents need their groups dedicated to parents of kids with SN because it would get old to be in a group full of parents talking about their NT kids and no one seems to be able to relate to your experience.

What do you think?

Your friends are now supposed to make assumptions about you and your emotional state based on your skin color? Given that black people were not being randomly attacked during the summer, most people would not have assumed your level of anxiety.

Actually, Ahmad Arbery was randomly attacked by racist white people. It wasn’t all about “f the police”. It was the fear that someone could just hunt you down because they didn’t like black people and thought you didn’t belong jogging in their neighborhood and then afterward, it would take weeks for the killer to even be arrested. Meanwhile the killers filmed themselves committing the crime.

Also several instances of black men being found hanging in trees, quickly ruled suicide but plenty of people didn’t agree with that

If you are asserting that he was attacked because they were racist and he was black, then it was not "random." He was targeted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I debated asking this, but this is the only place I can really say this since it's relatively anon.

I'm a Black woman, youngish, no kids yet. I have friends of all racial/ethnic backgrounds. Recently, it's become important to me to have more WOC as friends that I can connect with on a deeper level. I guess it started when my white friends (while supportive) seem to just not get it. They consider themselves "woke" and culturally competent, but ultimately show their ingrained biases in small ways. Also, I feel that a lot of times when the black community as a whole is suffering, they pick that time to make it about their feelings or their problems.

For example, when the protests were going on over the summer, I was feeling anxious about all the racial tensions. I was worried about my black husband walking (and driving) around in public, not the DC area btw). At this time, one of my white friends called me to tell me about her problems and seeking advice about buying a house and relationship issues. While I don't have a problem talking about everyday minutia, I felt kind of annoyed that she claimed to know/understand what Black people were going through (sharing posts on FB, posting #BLM) but the sensitivity seemed to be totally lacking. For contrast, when there had been several antisemitic attacks around the country during Hanukkah, I didn't call up my Orthodox Jewish friend for a regular convo to vent about the random annoyances in my life (like the dog having accidents in the house) because I knew she was probably emotionally spent by all the things going on against her community. I would like to say that while not all white people behave this way, it's a common enough occurrence that it is really obnoxious.

That being said, do you feel like you (a POC) need more friends within your community to relate to during trying times? I imagine it's like how special needs parents need their groups dedicated to parents of kids with SN because it would get old to be in a group full of parents talking about their NT kids and no one seems to be able to relate to your experience.

What do you think?

Your friends are now supposed to make assumptions about you and your emotional state based on your skin color? Given that black people were not being randomly attacked during the summer, most people would not have assumed your level of anxiety.

Actually, Ahmad Arbery was randomly attacked by racist white people. It wasn’t all about “f the police”. It was the fear that someone could just hunt you down because they didn’t like black people and thought you didn’t belong jogging in their neighborhood and then afterward, it would take weeks for the killer to even be arrested. Meanwhile the killers filmed themselves committing the crime.

Also several instances of black men being found hanging in trees, quickly ruled suicide but plenty of people didn’t agree with that

If you are asserting that he was attacked because they were racist and he was black, then it was not "random." He was targeted.

Omg this is the dumbest retort I have ever heard. You literally aren't making any sense.

[Anonymous]

Hi Op. There's anything wrong with making more POC friends if you feel the need to be able to relate on that level. Maybe your white friends don't know if they should approach this with you or how to do it tactfully. I don't know. I'm white and my husband is black. I get along very well with all of my IL and relatives and have a couple black friends (not super close). But it's just not a topic that I spontaneously raise during our discussions and they don't bring it up either. I assume they are more comfortable talking about it with others who can better relate and I don't want to cause them pain by bringing it up out of the blue. I also don't want to sound condescending. I do care though. Different friends fulfill different needs. I think it's all good.
I'm going to make a stupid comparison. As a woman I am outraged by the level of violence and discrimination women still endure everywhere in this world. I lose sleep over it and have experienced my fair of it. I would be very surprised if male friends would ask "so how are you feeling with all theses women being raped and murdered by men?". Maybe I wished they asked us... I don't know what I am aiming at with this comparison. But the fact is that most people shy away from discussing injustices, particularly if they are on not on the side of it.

[Anonymous]

This thread basically sums up what op says

[Anonymous]

NP here, half white half Latina. I have friends of all colors and heritages. Everyone has their own sense of identity and react to current events in different ways based on heritage.

I guess, unlike you, I do not expect all friends to only talk with me about issues related to the Latino community, even when kids were being separated at the border and the horrors of the last administration. Why? Because my friendships are not all about me. My friends have needs too, that are just as legitimate as mine even if mundane. I don’t like to dwell on the negative things in life all the time. Talking about something mundane and silly and normal and takes my mind off things. I expect my friends to be sensitive to my needs, but it goes both way. I certainly don’t want or expect my non-Latino friends to keep their conversations with me limited to immigration etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here, half white half Latina. I have friends of all colors and heritages. Everyone has their own sense of identity and react to current events in different ways based on heritage.

I guess, unlike you, I do not expect all friends to only talk with me about issues related to the Latino community, even when kids were being separated at the border and the horrors of the last administration. Why? Because my friendships are not all about me. My friends have needs too, that are just as legitimate as mine even if mundane. I don’t like to dwell on the negative things in life all the time. Talking about something mundane and silly and normal and takes my mind off things. I expect my friends to be sensitive to my needs, but it goes both way. I certainly don’t want or expect my non-Latino friends to keep their conversations with me limited to immigration etc.

+1. I’m black and would prob have been talking to OP about my house reno this past summer too. Friendships are an individualized dynamic based on your personality. If you want people to talk about the news, go get that, but don’t assume people who share your racial background feel the same way you do.

[Anonymous]

^^^ should add that the OP said her white friend wanted to talk not only about buying a house but “relationship issues,” which OP dismissed as “minutiae.” Unless it was extremely trivial, I don’t consider issues with an SO to be minutiae. If you didn’t have the bandwidth to give your friend the support she needed because you were upset about your own stuff, that’s fine, but it does go both ways.