If you're a POC, do you feel like you need mainly POC friends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I debated asking this, but this is the only place I can really say this since it's relatively anon.

I'm a Black woman, youngish, no kids yet. I have friends of all racial/ethnic backgrounds. Recently, it's become important to me to have more WOC as friends that I can connect with on a deeper level. I guess it started when my white friends (while supportive) seem to just not get it. They consider themselves "woke" and culturally competent, but ultimately show their ingrained biases in small ways. Also, I feel that a lot of times when the black community as a whole is suffering, they pick that time to make it about their feelings or their problems.

For example, when the protests were going on over the summer, I was feeling anxious about all the racial tensions. I was worried about my black husband walking (and driving) around in public, not the DC area btw). At this time, one of my white friends called me to tell me about her problems and seeking advice about buying a house and relationship issues. While I don't have a problem talking about everyday minutia, I felt kind of annoyed that she claimed to know/understand what Black people were going through (sharing posts on FB, posting #BLM) but the sensitivity seemed to be totally lacking. For contrast, when there had been several antisemitic attacks around the country during Hanukkah, I didn't call up my Orthodox Jewish friend for a regular convo to vent about the random annoyances in my life (like the dog having accidents in the house) because I knew she was probably emotionally spent by all the things going on against her community. I would like to say that while not all white people behave this way, it's a common enough occurrence that it is really obnoxious.

That being said, do you feel like you (a POC) need more friends within your community to relate to during trying times? I imagine it's like how special needs parents need their groups dedicated to parents of kids with SN because it would get old to be in a group full of parents talking about their NT kids and no one seems to be able to relate to your experience.

What do you think?

I think you just think you are better than your friend because you are oh-so considerate of your Orthodox friend, and because you can't be bothered with your white friends relationship issues that are "trivial"--to whom?

Maybe you just need to grow up and realize that everyone thinks differently and experiences things different.

--50 yr old black woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here. This is not to say that my white friends haven’t been supportive because most have been wonderful. It’s just that I have had to explain a lot - and it’s exhausting and scary worrying about my husband and my sons’ safety all the time. One of my white friends thinks that racism isn’t much on an issue in the DMV area. Another asked me about previous experiences and I confided in her - only to be told that they could happen to anyone of any race. I don’t have the energy to “prove” these things. Whereas my friends who are POC already know.

My closest friends from college are black with a few exceptions. As a pp mentioned it was great to have support from other people navigating a PWI institution. My best friends had similar high school experiences that I had going to schools as one of the few black students in certain classes etc. and that “too black” for one environment and “too white” for another.

Now with kids in an area that isn’t very diverse, most of my mom friends are not POC and I would also say not everyone I hang out with would I call a good friend. I have lots of acquaintances. It takes time to consider someone a good friend. I’d like to think that the people I consider good friends wouldn’t tell me that my life experiences weren’t true, which takes a certain type of arrogance. Or at least that I would feel comfortable enough to be honest about how that made me feel if they did. How does someone think it’s okay to say they know exactly what it is like to live in someone else’s story and then minimize your feelings instead of just listening? Now I will admit, when all the blackface incidents were coming to light, I had to add, do I think they dressed up in black face and thinks this okay as well as minimizing someone else’s story and acting like they were a black person in a past life to my evaluation of friendship. The one other thing I would add though, is sometimes being in a public place as the only visible minority, do you think your friends would stand up for you if a racist incident went down. I like to think the people that are my good friends would. The courage to stand up for someone else different than you is not something you find easily. I would add if I had a good friend that I felt had that courage and had the willingness to really listen, it would be worth being vulnerable and letting my guard down to talk about my experiences.

[Anonymous]

Yes. Especially in the gaming world. I experience a lot of racism during games when it’s clear the majority of the team are made up of whites. You would be surprised how much racism is expressed so easily from young white game players.

[Anonymous]

While I can understand the OP’s reasoning and do not question it, for me personally, in my life, I can’t get behind the idea that we should all just get sorted by color. Didn’t Chapelle have a racial draft skit that’s kind of playing off of that idea? This is the 21st century. Mind boggles that we don’t seem to be farther along. I pick friends by affinity and don’t listen to critics who think I should pick friends from my minority group only or even mostly.

Imagine if the majority said they only wanted their own people in their country clubs. Oh, wait. Some did do that in the last century and we all find it to be both unbelievable and abhorrent today.

Let’s address systemic racism, but let’s all be normal people. A lot more normal than we are all being. In the end of the day, people can pick whomever they want to be friends with for any reason. Including race, but it’s just not the standard that even comes into my considering a friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While I can understand the OP’s reasoning and do not question it, for me personally, in my life, I can’t get behind the idea that we should all just get sorted by color. Didn’t Chapelle have a racial draft skit that’s kind of playing off of that idea? This is the 21st century. Mind boggles that we don’t seem to be farther along. I pick friends by affinity and don’t listen to critics who think I should pick friends from my minority group only or even mostly.

Imagine if the majority said they only wanted their own people in their country clubs. Oh, wait. Some did do that in the last century and we all find it to be both unbelievable and abhorrent today.

Let’s address systemic racism, but let’s all be normal people. A lot more normal than we are all being. In the end of the day, people can pick whomever they want to be friends with for any reason. Including race, but it’s just not the standard that even comes into my considering a friendship.

The work of the friendship, can’t just be on one person or it isn’t a true friendship. The OP describes several situations where some of her friends really weren’t being good friends and she felt when it came to issues of race that she had to prove her feelings were legitimate and be the educator on the issue. In this day and age there is zero reason someone can’t educate themselves if they are really interested. It’s not like you have to check our books from the library and use microfiche to get info. The second things is no matter how empathetic you may be, it is hard to give practical advice for something you haven’t experienced. Whether it is being divorced in a group where people are married, or having a sick parent when everyone else had healthy parents, or having a special needs child when your friends don’t - you may need that one friend or a support group or something with BTDT experience. It doesn’t mean every friend has to have that in common or everyone that has that in common is a friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I debated asking this, but this is the only place I can really say this since it's relatively anon.

I'm a Black woman, youngish, no kids yet. I have friends of all racial/ethnic backgrounds. Recently, it's become important to me to have more WOC as friends that I can connect with on a deeper level. I guess it started when my white friends (while supportive) seem to just not get it. They consider themselves "woke" and culturally competent, but ultimately show their ingrained biases in small ways. Also, I feel that a lot of times when the black community as a whole is suffering, they pick that time to make it about their feelings or their problems.

For example, when the protests were going on over the summer, I was feeling anxious about all the racial tensions. I was worried about my black husband walking (and driving) around in public, not the DC area btw). At this time, one of my white friends called me to tell me about her problems and seeking advice about buying a house and relationship issues. While I don't have a problem talking about everyday minutia, I felt kind of annoyed that she claimed to know/understand what Black people were going through (sharing posts on FB, posting #BLM) but the sensitivity seemed to be totally lacking. For contrast, when there had been several antisemitic attacks around the country during Hanukkah, I didn't call up my Orthodox Jewish friend for a regular convo to vent about the random annoyances in my life (like the dog having accidents in the house) because I knew she was probably emotionally spent by all the things going on against her community. I would like to say that while not all white people behave this way, it's a common enough occurrence that it is really obnoxious.

That being said, do you feel like you (a POC) need more friends within your community to relate to during trying times? I imagine it's like how special needs parents need their groups dedicated to parents of kids with SN because it would get old to be in a group full of parents talking about their NT kids and no one seems to be able to relate to your experience.

What do you think?

I think you just think you are better than your friend because you are oh-so considerate of your Orthodox friend, and because you can't be bothered with your white friends relationship issues that are "trivial"--to whom?

Maybe you just need to grow up and realize that everyone thinks differently and experiences things different.

--50 yr old black woman.

I’m a 39 year old brown female and I agree with this 50 yr old black poster. Couldn’t have said it better myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I debated asking this, but this is the only place I can really say this since it's relatively anon.

I'm a Black woman, youngish, no kids yet. I have friends of all racial/ethnic backgrounds. Recently, it's become important to me to have more WOC as friends that I can connect with on a deeper level. I guess it started when my white friends (while supportive) seem to just not get it. They consider themselves "woke" and culturally competent, but ultimately show their ingrained biases in small ways. Also, I feel that a lot of times when the black community as a whole is suffering, they pick that time to make it about their feelings or their problems.

For example, when the protests were going on over the summer, I was feeling anxious about all the racial tensions. I was worried about my black husband walking (and driving) around in public, not the DC area btw). At this time, one of my white friends called me to tell me about her problems and seeking advice about buying a house and relationship issues. While I don't have a problem talking about everyday minutia, I felt kind of annoyed that she claimed to know/understand what Black people were going through (sharing posts on FB, posting #BLM) but the sensitivity seemed to be totally lacking. For contrast, when there had been several antisemitic attacks around the country during Hanukkah, I didn't call up my Orthodox Jewish friend for a regular convo to vent about the random annoyances in my life (like the dog having accidents in the house) because I knew she was probably emotionally spent by all the things going on against her community. I would like to say that while not all white people behave this way, it's a common enough occurrence that it is really obnoxious.

That being said, do you feel like you (a POC) need more friends within your community to relate to during trying times? I imagine it's like how special needs parents need their groups dedicated to parents of kids with SN because it would get old to be in a group full of parents talking about their NT kids and no one seems to be able to relate to your experience.

What do you think?

Your friends are now supposed to make assumptions about you and your emotional state based on your skin color? Given that black people were not being randomly attacked during the summer, most people would not have assumed your level of anxiety.

Actually, Ahmad Arbery was randomly attacked by racist white people. It wasn’t all about “f the police”. It was the fear that someone could just hunt you down because they didn’t like black people and thought you didn’t belong jogging in their neighborhood and then afterward, it would take weeks for the killer to even be arrested. Meanwhile the killers filmed themselves committing the crime.

Also several instances of black men being found hanging in trees, quickly ruled suicide but plenty of people didn’t agree with that

Lots of terrible things happen to people of all races, all of the time. The idea that this then should "normally" cause generalized anxiety in other people of the same race is a problem.

"Recent analyses suggest that legal intervention deaths increased 45% (from 0.11 to 0.16/100,000) between 1999 and 2013, with higher rates among blacks (0.24)"

The number would be even lower now.

These deaths can cause outrage but if they cause outright fear and anxiety, you should seek therapy.