If you're a POC, do you feel like you need mainly POC friends?

[Anonymous]

Diversity vs community. In many ways they’re conflicting goals. I grew up in what might be considered a diverse environment outside of NYC. A heavily immigrant area from a wide range of places. Literally every friend of mine in high school had a parent from another country or a handful it was their grandparents. But none were from my parent’s country. So while we had a shared experience of being 1st generation, I didn’t have the shared experience of my parent’s culture in school. I very much missed that sense of community, where some things were just understood and didn’t require an explanation.

I’ve made an effort to provide my kids with a sense of community as best I can. I think that’s what you’re seeking op, and I don’t think that’s a bad thing.

[Anonymous]

I'm a middle aged white lady so grain of salt of course but I think what you are saying makes 100% sense and you aren't weird or too anxious. I have no time for any White Nonsense in my life so you are certainly entitled to seek people who are going through the same things as you. There's a fine line between friends and a support group and this summer was traumatic.

It's like when I was getting a divorce I didn't want to hear people talk about their amazing relationships. So I minimized contact with self-absorbed people.

[Anonymous]

I'm Jewish and definitely feel the need for Jewish friends and a million percent understand why you would seek out friends like you. My main "group" or friends is not Jewish. But many other individual friends are. When there's a holiday or a synagogue shooting, or day to day cultural things come up, my core group either ignores or awkwardly brings it up. Sometimes I think they forget, since I look like them. I need people to go to who understand without me explaining.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for posting this. I am a white mother of two white boys and one (adopted) Asian girl. I notice for sure even as a teenager she absolutely needs girls of color in her life and that is who she seeks out for her closest friends. She also has a wide group of friends generally that is more diverse but it totally makes sense to me and gives her a sense of connection and identity different from the experience of being in a white family. What has been interesting to me is that she tends to seek out more girls of color generally so not just Asian but also African American, Latina, etc.

[Anonymous]

I went through this transition in my 20s too.

I’m 2nd Gen Indian American, my close friend group is almost entirely POC. I do have a few ethnically white friends, they are first Gen immigrants though. I have first and second Gen Indian friends, first or second Gen Latina and other Asian friends, Black American and a good number of Black Caribbean and Ethiopian friends.

I feel like my interactions with regular White people feels more forced and there is too much judgement about my culture and heritage. Other groups get nuances and differences more. If I say or do something a certain way, it ends up like I’m representing all Indians or something. I don’t judge them for this, I know that their worldview has been shaped in this way because everything around them ‘Eurocentric’ which ‘others’ everyone else. I just don’t have the energy anymore for it.

[Anonymous]

OP, just wanted to say I'm sorry some of your friends aren't considerate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I debated asking this, but this is the only place I can really say this since it's relatively anon.

I'm a Black woman, youngish, no kids yet. I have friends of all racial/ethnic backgrounds. Recently, it's become important to me to have more WOC as friends that I can connect with on a deeper level. I guess it started when my white friends (while supportive) seem to just not get it. They consider themselves "woke" and culturally competent, but ultimately show their ingrained biases in small ways. Also, I feel that a lot of times when the black community as a whole is suffering, they pick that time to make it about their feelings or their problems.

For example, when the protests were going on over the summer, I was feeling anxious about all the racial tensions. I was worried about my black husband walking (and driving) around in public, not the DC area btw). At this time, one of my white friends called me to tell me about her problems and seeking advice about buying a house and relationship issues. While I don't have a problem talking about everyday minutia, I felt kind of annoyed that she claimed to know/understand what Black people were going through (sharing posts on FB, posting #BLM) but the sensitivity seemed to be totally lacking. For contrast, when there had been several antisemitic attacks around the country during Hanukkah, I didn't call up my Orthodox Jewish friend for a regular convo to vent about the random annoyances in my life (like the dog having accidents in the house) because I knew she was probably emotionally spent by all the things going on against her community. I would like to say that while not all white people behave this way, it's a common enough occurrence that it is really obnoxious.

That being said, do you feel like you (a POC) need more friends within your community to relate to during trying times? I imagine it's like how special needs parents need their groups dedicated to parents of kids with SN because it would get old to be in a group full of parents talking about their NT kids and no one seems to be able to relate to your experience.

What do you think?

Shouldn’t even be a question: of course you need Black friends. It’s healthy to spend time with people who look like and relate to you. I find it weird when people don’t socialize with members of their own race/gender/sexuality etc. That should be the default. -BW

[Anonymous]

I can relate as the parent of a kid with severe special needs. I need to have a group of similar parents. My other friends just cannot get it. You're normal, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I went through this transition in my 20s too.

I’m 2nd Gen Indian American, my close friend group is almost entirely POC. I do have a few ethnically white friends, they are first Gen immigrants though. I have first and second Gen Indian friends, first or second Gen Latina and other Asian friends, Black American and a good number of Black Caribbean and Ethiopian friends.

I feel like my interactions with regular White people feels more forced and there is too much judgement about my culture and heritage. Other groups get nuances and differences more. If I say or do something a certain way, it ends up like I’m representing all Indians or something. I don’t judge them for this, I know that their worldview has been shaped in this way because everything around them ‘Eurocentric’ which ‘others’ everyone else. I just don’t have the energy anymore for it.

+1 Asian American immigrant here. 100% of my good friends are either POC or immigrants (white or otherwise). I could never pinpoint why I felt more comfortable with these folks than white American women, but you nailed it.

[Anonymous]

I think you need new friends - regardless of color. No one should be as selfish and self centered as what you describe. While it’s too bad people don’t come with EQ readings posted on their heads, seek kindness and wisdom as you go forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I went through this transition in my 20s too.

I’m 2nd Gen Indian American, my close friend group is almost entirely POC. I do have a few ethnically white friends, they are first Gen immigrants though. I have first and second Gen Indian friends, first or second Gen Latina and other Asian friends, Black American and a good number of Black Caribbean and Ethiopian friends.

I feel like my interactions with regular White people feels more forced and there is too much judgement about my culture and heritage. Other groups get nuances and differences more. If I say or do something a certain way, it ends up like I’m representing all Indians or something. I don’t judge them for this, I know that their worldview has been shaped in this way because everything around them ‘Eurocentric’ which ‘others’ everyone else. I just don’t have the energy anymore for it.

You know idiots who happen to be white. I also think younger people have been so indulged that while they recognize issues, they don’t understand them because understanding would require dealing with tough questions and shutting up and listening. That has not been encouraged for quite some time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I went through this transition in my 20s too.

I’m 2nd Gen Indian American, my close friend group is almost entirely POC. I do have a few ethnically white friends, they are first Gen immigrants though. I have first and second Gen Indian friends, first or second Gen Latina and other Asian friends, Black American and a good number of Black Caribbean and Ethiopian friends.

I feel like my interactions with regular White people feels more forced and there is too much judgement about my culture and heritage. Other groups get nuances and differences more. If I say or do something a certain way, it ends up like I’m representing all Indians or something. I don’t judge them for this, I know that their worldview has been shaped in this way because everything around them ‘Eurocentric’ which ‘others’ everyone else. I just don’t have the energy anymore for it.

Very much agree with that sentence because I feel the same way and I am white but an immigrant.

[Anonymous]

I’m not sure why this is brand new to you.

I moved here 25 years ago. Long before Trumpism, BLM, etc. I quickly realized that I needed people with shared experiences to help me navigate life here. Whether it was finding a competent natural hair stylist or dealing with systemic racism in the schools, I did not want to reinvent the wheel. Some of the women I became friends with were the non-Black mothers of Black children. The designation “woke” hadn’t been invented yet, but there were aware of, angry about, and willing to grapple with the barriers and threats their children faced.

I surround myself with people who are smart and do something more than just complain on the internet. Many of those people are AA because I met them through historically black institutions. Others are Latina (because that is part of my identity). Some are Asian (mainly Korean and South Asian) because of my kids’ interests. And some are white. But I learned when I came here that not all skin-folk are kin-folk, so I really pay attention to what other Black people say and do before I start to open up.

[Anonymous]

Why is it so important to you that your friend share the same biases as you? Sincere question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is it so important to you that your friend share the same biases as you? Sincere question.

Totes, like why have a mom board where you can have discussions with people who share the same biases as parents with you. Sincere question.