If you're a POC, do you feel like you need mainly POC friends?

[Anonymous]

I debated asking this, but this is the only place I can really say this since it's relatively anon.

I'm a Black woman, youngish, no kids yet. I have friends of all racial/ethnic backgrounds. Recently, it's become important to me to have more WOC as friends that I can connect with on a deeper level. I guess it started when my white friends (while supportive) seem to just not get it. They consider themselves "woke" and culturally competent, but ultimately show their ingrained biases in small ways. Also, I feel that a lot of times when the black community as a whole is suffering, they pick that time to make it about their feelings or their problems.

For example, when the protests were going on over the summer, I was feeling anxious about all the racial tensions. I was worried about my black husband walking (and driving) around in public, not the DC area btw). At this time, one of my white friends called me to tell me about her problems and seeking advice about buying a house and relationship issues. While I don't have a problem talking about everyday minutia, I felt kind of annoyed that she claimed to know/understand what Black people were going through (sharing posts on FB, posting #BLM) but the sensitivity seemed to be totally lacking. For contrast, when there had been several antisemitic attacks around the country during Hanukkah, I didn't call up my Orthodox Jewish friend for a regular convo to vent about the random annoyances in my life (like the dog having accidents in the house) because I knew she was probably emotionally spent by all the things going on against her community. I would like to say that while not all white people behave this way, it's a common enough occurrence that it is really obnoxious.

That being said, do you feel like you (a POC) need more friends within your community to relate to during trying times? I imagine it's like how special needs parents need their groups dedicated to parents of kids with SN because it would get old to be in a group full of parents talking about their NT kids and no one seems to be able to relate to your experience.

What do you think?

[Anonymous]

Sounds understandable

[Anonymous]

Why do you need validation from DCUM?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you need validation from DCUM?

??

I'm asking if other people feel the same... or if I am potentially just an oversensitive, anxious weirdo?

[Anonymous]

Eh. I don’t think you’re black.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds understandable

+1. You hesitated to ask this. But really, what you say makes all the sense. It's too bad the environment is such that it's not comfortable to ask this in public or without anonymity. People should feel free to befriend those who understand them about what matters most.

(I'm white/foreign.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I debated asking this, but this is the only place I can really say this since it's relatively anon.

I'm a Black woman, youngish, no kids yet. I have friends of all racial/ethnic backgrounds. Recently, it's become important to me to have more WOC as friends that I can connect with on a deeper level. I guess it started when my white friends (while supportive) seem to just not get it. They consider themselves "woke" and culturally competent, but ultimately show their ingrained biases in small ways. Also, I feel that a lot of times when the black community as a whole is suffering, they pick that time to make it about their feelings or their problems.

For example, when the protests were going on over the summer, I was feeling anxious about all the racial tensions. I was worried about my black husband walking (and driving) around in public, not the DC area btw). At this time, one of my white friends called me to tell me about her problems and seeking advice about buying a house and relationship issues. While I don't have a problem talking about everyday minutia, I felt kind of annoyed that she claimed to know/understand what Black people were going through (sharing posts on FB, posting #BLM) but the sensitivity seemed to be totally lacking. For contrast, when there had been several antisemitic attacks around the country during Hanukkah, I didn't call up my Orthodox Jewish friend for a regular convo to vent about the random annoyances in my life (like the dog having accidents in the house) because I knew she was probably emotionally spent by all the things going on against her community. I would like to say that while not all white people behave this way, it's a common enough occurrence that it is really obnoxious.

That being said, do you feel like you (a POC) need more friends within your community to relate to during trying times? I imagine it's like how special needs parents need their groups dedicated to parents of kids with SN because it would get old to be in a group full of parents talking about their NT kids and no one seems to be able to relate to your experience.

What do you think?

OP, I think that you may just need to expand your circle. You will find people with ingrained bias in anyone that doesn't share your lived experience. How you grew up, your own biases, all of that will contribute to how you see and react to what others put out into the world.

That is all.

[Anonymous]

How old are you, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are you, OP?

26

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Eh. I don’t think you’re black.

ok...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Eh. I don’t think you’re black.

Not OP. Why do you say that?

[Anonymous]

Yes definitely. I am adopted from Korea so my actual family and cultural background is white people. But I have always been friends with other Asian Americans and as I get older I actually seek out this friendships more intentionally than I used to. Partly because I want to raise my kids with healthy identities being minorities, but partly because over the years I have also been kind of annoyed by some (definitely not all) of my white friends’ understanding about race and culture in the USA. I don’t have the energy to bring people up to speed about the reality. I also seek out friendships of other POC (Black, Latino, Jews, etc) because even if we don’t have the same background I know there are some shared understanding. All of my white friends are usually pretty woke or married to POC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes definitely. I am adopted from Korea so my actual family and cultural background is white people. But I have always been friends with other Asian Americans and as I get older I actually seek out this friendships more intentionally than I used to. Partly because I want to raise my kids with healthy identities being minorities, but partly because over the years I have also been kind of annoyed by some (definitely not all) of my white friends’ understanding about race and culture in the USA. I don’t have the energy to bring people up to speed about the reality. I also seek out friendships of other POC (Black, Latino, Jews, etc) because even if we don’t have the same background I know there are some shared understanding. All of my white friends are usually pretty woke or married to POC.

Jews are not POC. They are a minority, but not the same thing.

[Anonymous]

I agree with 2:32, 2:42,and 2:44.


It's understandable, but why would you ask this question/seek validation from a predominately White UMC board? Seems in conflict.

[Anonymous]

OP, you're reaching the age when just knowing a lot of friendly friends with whom you share a past connection will not be enough. You may not have actively sought out these friends but met spontaneously through your life. They are still friends, but they are not able to meet your need now. A very understandable need considering current events. I'm in my 40s now but I went through a long period of infertility when I was a little older than you. This led to an involuntary distancing of myself from some of those early friends. All were very sympathetic but the pain was too raw to share all the time with everyone. Some simply couldn't relate to how much my struggle was a part of me. They thought it was just one of many things people struggle with and treated it as such, though very sympatheticly. They were right in a way, but that didnt help me feel close to them. Also, as I sought out more support, I encountered others who were in my same path. It was easier to understand each other. Some of these became good friends. Time wasn't an abundant resource at that age so some old friends I saw less. We are still friends but not at the level we were when younger.
If you seek out people who share your concerns, you may meet people who will satisfy your needs.