The New Midlife Crisis for Women

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was surprised that there was no mention of the mother with special needs kids. While our parents had the luxury of letting us run free, we have an epidemic of ADHD/ Autistic children who are unable to manage independently as a typical child of their same chronological age.

I mother a special needs child (thankfully very high functioning, but still needing a lot), and may be spending my 47th birthday just with her while my DH is out of town helping my MIL move in with us! Oy. Really hoping 47.2 is the bottom of the unhappiness curve, because I sure could use a bounce by summer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It gets better. Truly. I am now in the upswing of that U curve.

One thing I think might be missing, despite all our technology, is connecting with women (non-relatives) who are older. And wiser. Where is that community?

We've become too peer-focused IMO. There is so much we can all gain from women who are on the path ahead of us.

They may be a different generation and have lived through different trials but they still can help guide us.

+1. I’m also on the upswing and it would have been helpful to have heard from others who have gone through this.

Anyway, this does get better so know that as you make decisions that affect your life when you’re at the bottom of the U shaped curve.

+1 It does get better. And older friends are a great idea. Good luck everybody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The point is parenthood is a job in itself, add a career/job to it and it is stress fest. Few people with 2 jobs are enjoying their life. They struggle.

very true. I was just thinking this morning how I would love sah spouse who handled all the house/kids stuff, and I could just focus on work. If I could do that, I'd be so much happier and probably make more money,too.

-signed a working mom with a working DH who also does his fair share, but it's still tough

Right now, I'm enjoying both my jobs - young kids and work. It's not too much.

Eventually I'll have to add my own parents (at least my mom) as a job. That's when the wheels are going to fall completely off the wagon.

[Anonymous]

I guess I’m an outlier because I’ve been so busy I’ve never had time to experience the U curve. At 52 I am happier than I was a few years ago because my kids are fully launched and that makes me feel that I did a good job as a parent. But I never experienced a mid life crisis and it really helps that my husband is very successful and a calming influence who, from what I can tell, has not had a mid life crisis. Also very helpful is that we have always maintained a very active sex life and the feeling of being desired is a wonderful drug. I do have GF’s who have experienced the U curve with some still at the bottom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was surprised that there was no mention of the mother with special needs kids. While our parents had the luxury of letting us run free, we have an epidemic of ADHD/ Autistic children who are unable to manage independently as a typical child of their same chronological age.

I mother a special needs child (thankfully very high functioning, but still needing a lot), and may be spending my 47th birthday just with her while my DH is out of town helping my MIL move in with us! Oy. Really hoping 47.2 is the bottom of the unhappiness curve, because I sure could use a bounce by summer.

I’m halfway through the book. Really feel like the author should have devoted a chapter to SN moms. I would love to know the stats because it seems to me like we are a much bigger demographic in a smaller generation.

I could really relate to the part about being pushed to succeed as a duty to womankind. The pressure started in middle school when a teacher pulled me aside and told me that my scores on that surreptitious IQ test were really high and I needed to go into science or math. I said that wasn’t really interested in those things. She said “but you are girl! A really, really smart girl. Think of what you could do!” I was confused and she broke it down for me that we needed smart women to break in and make the world better for all women. She wasn’t wrong but the guilt plagued me.

I did go out there and had an awesome career I loved in a male-dominated field. I don’t know how much difference it made though. I put up with tons of harassment and BS. I succeeded in spite of them. Then I was shoved aside after giving birth to a SN child. I realized how really shitty it all was and in the end I was punished for doing the one thing only women can do. Like they never had mothers, no, they just magically appeared on this earth!

I began working another field I like but it is also male-dominated. Starting over at 40 is so hard. My husband could tell I was weary and was just going through the motions. He told me to stop running myself down. I had done enough. He leveled up his job for me to get out. God bless him.

So I dropped out of the workforce at 41 and committed to being a SAHM. It took years to shake the guilt of not working and “just being a mom.”

I still feel angry though. I’m pissed that those bigots I endured will never understand that being a SAHM is way harder than that “man’s job” ever was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The point is parenthood is a job in itself, add a career/job to it and it is stress fest. Few people with 2 jobs are enjoying their life. They struggle.

I agree. We did struggle a lot and were unhappier when I was WOHM. Things became radically better once I became a SAHM, though the HHI took a big hit. If I would have had the benefit of telework and flex job, I probably would have remained in the workforce.

I am not espousing that women SAH, because the kind of stress you get when you don't have money is not a laughing matter. A lot of things has to go right in your life, finances and marriage to reach a state where a SAHM is secure, valued and happy. But if women had the flexibility to be a SAHM when they wanted to and then go back to being a WOHM and working seamlessly without too much penalty that would be paradise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was, fine, even great at 42. At 48, this article describes me to a T. I have fantasies about walking away from it all.

Single mom of a tween here, and I feel like this at 39. Everything gets on my nerves and I just want peace and time for myself.

Does this feeling generally set in a little sooner for single mothers?

[Anonymous]

NP - Everything just got a lot worse for all of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was surprised that there was no mention of the mother with special needs kids. While our parents had the luxury of letting us run free, we have an epidemic of ADHD/ Autistic children who are unable to manage independently as a typical child of their same chronological age.

I mother a special needs child (thankfully very high functioning, but still needing a lot), and may be spending my 47th birthday just with her while my DH is out of town helping my MIL move in with us! Oy. Really hoping 47.2 is the bottom of the unhappiness curve, because I sure could use a bounce by summer.

I’m halfway through the book. Really feel like the author should have devoted a chapter to SN moms. I would love to know the stats because it seems to me like we are a much bigger demographic in a smaller generation.

I could really relate to the part about being pushed to succeed as a duty to womankind. The pressure started in middle school when a teacher pulled me aside and told me that my scores on that surreptitious IQ test were really high and I needed to go into science or math. I said that wasn’t really interested in those things. She said “but you are girl! A really, really smart girl. Think of what you could do!” I was confused and she broke it down for me that we needed smart women to break in and make the world better for all women. She wasn’t wrong but the guilt plagued me.

I did go out there and had an awesome career I loved in a male-dominated field. I don’t know how much difference it made though. I put up with tons of harassment and BS. I succeeded in spite of them. Then I was shoved aside after giving birth to a SN child. I realized how really shitty it all was and in the end I was punished for doing the one thing only women can do. Like they never had mothers, no, they just magically appeared on this earth!

I began working another field I like but it is also male-dominated. Starting over at 40 is so hard. My husband could tell I was weary and was just going through the motions. He told me to stop running myself down. I had done enough. He leveled up his job for me to get out. God bless him.

So I dropped out of the workforce at 41 and committed to being a SAHM. It took years to shake the guilt of not working and “just being a mom.”

I still feel angry though. I’m pissed that those bigots I endured will never understand that being a SAHM is way harder than that “man’s job” ever was.

PP, what you wrote really resonated with me and my experience as a SN mom who is out there supposedly "competing" with men who just get to work free and unfettered and without a care in the world. I've become a bit bitter, for sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It gets better. Truly. I am now in the upswing of that U curve.

One thing I think might be missing, despite all our technology, is connecting with women (non-relatives) who are older. And wiser. Where is that community?

We've become too peer-focused IMO. There is so much we can all gain from women who are on the path ahead of us.

They may be a different generation and have lived through different trials but they still can help guide us.

+1. I’m also on the upswing and it would have been helpful to have heard from others who have gone through this.

Anyway, this does get better so know that as you make decisions that affect your life when you’re at the bottom of the U shaped curve.

+1 It does get better. And older friends are a great idea. Good luck everybody.

I have a great cousin who is 10 years older than me. She started talking to me about husband stuff, menopause, etc. before I really needed to know it. But when it came time, I understood why she told me. If you have an older cousin and haven't been in contact for awhile, reach out.

[Anonymous]

44 y/o and I'm there. So much rage, and I'm not having any menopause signs.

[Anonymous]

I used to love reading Anne Tyler books when I was in my 20s --back then I was just escaping my conventional "go to law school and work at big firm" life. Thankfully I did make other choices. But I am thinking of going back and reading some of her novels again--if I remember a lot of them are about women in the forties who just get up one day and get the heck out. I so identify...

[Anonymous]

I am 48 and do not identify with this article.

I struggled to find my place in the work world, found it, did good work and later left to start a business.

My husband and I get along well. We have kids and that is good.

We do not have as much money as our parents but we have always lived beneath our means.

We also had horrible parents so maybe anything would seem better compared to childhood...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m 50 and the one thing really making me feel down is that 50% of my fellow citizens think it’s great that a racist misogynist who espouses hate is the leader of our country. I was totally okay with having been screwed out of promotions and pay because I’m a woman, especially since I had the pleasure of raising kids. But the fact that I don’t feel like I’ll be left alone to enjoy my hard-earned money in peace when I finally do get to retire . . . well, that makes me want to rip someone’s face off.

I completely get this.

FWIW, I'm coming to a certain peace about doing whatever TF I want because it's not like society values me anyway.

Yes! NP here, and I’m just starting to see what older women have told me about the power of invisibility. Once you go grey and get some wrinkles, people (men, really) honestly don’t even notice you! I’m 44 but I’ve stopped coloring my hair and am starting to embrace the freedom that comes from just not caring. Watch out, world!

I have to say, this is very freeing. Once you get over the fact that you are no longer and will never again be the "hottest" gal in the room . . . you can move on with your life and focus on other things/not worry about the male gaze/attention. It is awesome!

If you depended upon looking hot, that might be the issue.

My grandmother had men coming after her in her 60s and maybe 70s.

She just had a way about her and amazing social skills.

I had bad social skills and worked to improve them and learned from her.

So there is more than hotness to keeping men interested.

[Anonymous]

I didn’t see this post when it was first written, but stumbled on it today. Thank you, I needed to read it.