The New Midlife Crisis for Women

[Anonymous]

I am a very old Gen Xer (1965). My issue is not money. My issue is that I have no idea how to relax and enjoy life now that I'm an empty nester. My husband and I do not agree on our retirement lives and we do not agree on politics. What am I going to do with the last third of my life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Weird. This is me demographically but I don't identify with the article at all. Maybe it'll catch to me in a couple of years. Married, 45, work FT, two kids in ES.

Wait until you are 53. Your kids are too young for you to feel this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Age 46 + declining parents + child’s college entrance rat race + irregular periods + younger child’s hormone surge + the phenomenon of Trump = Prozac for me!

Still not perfect but I no longer feel the urge to stab people or get in the car and never return. Very low dose but it does help.

For me it's husband I married for the wrong reasons + age. Enough money, kids in college, through menopause with no problems. It's an existential crisis - I may be in my 50s but I still have so much to give. To whom? How?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:This unhappiness is because women have 'drank the Koolaid' instead of doing what makes them happy - regardless of your generation. If someone else is living your best life instead of you, then ask yourself why you built the life you have.

Sorry, but this sounds like a line from an MLM playbook. This whole 21-century concept of “living your best life” just adds to unhappiness I think, and it breeds comparison and insecurity. I feel better living a “good enough under the circumstances” life.

Completely agree with you.

I agree as well.

[Anonymous]

I avoided a mid life crisis by reinventing myself a few times. I first had a long and successful corporate career, then for ten years I ran a small non-profit and did work I loved and then I became an artist which introduced me to a whole different world of people and fun and it’s been pretty profitable. The only constant has been my husband of 40 years. I never had time to go through an empty nester crisis and menopause was pretty easy for me and my health has been good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This unhappiness is because women have 'drank the Koolaid' instead of doing what makes them happy - regardless of your generation. If someone else is living your best life instead of you, then ask yourself why you built the life you have.

Sorry, but this sounds like a line from an MLM playbook. This whole 21-century concept of “living your best life” just adds to unhappiness I think, and it breeds comparison and insecurity. I feel better living a “good enough under the circumstances” life.

Completely agree with you.

I agree as well.

+3

There is also power in really owning the low parts in our lives. Even if you are living your "best life" at a particular point in time, you will go through challenges. That's part of your life, too. I think the best thing I've done for myself in my 40s is learn to love myself and feel worthy even when my life does not feel (or look) very good. I know I'm worthy (of love, happiness, respect, fulfillment). That's it. Wherever I'm at is okay, because I have value no matter what.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Now I just want to outlive Covid than I’ll worry about my midlife crisis lol though I’m not coloring my grays right now just to see how my CovidHair looks

I read the book pre-Covid and right now I feel that I am just trying to keep my family healthy (child and elder care responsibilities), keep my kid academically on track, and stay afloat with the tremendous volume of work in these Covid times. We are all in a really dire and depressing moment. It is not just middle aged women, even though we may bear the brunt of the household responsibilities, it seems like very few are keeping afloat. All this suffering automatically puts things in perspective. It is better to be middle aged, than a high school or college student, or young child. I cannot even imagine the emotional and intellectual challenges kids will face.

[Anonymous]

I REALLY needed to read this today. Thank you.

- 48 yo, bottom of the curve

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The point is parenthood is a job in itself, add a career/job to it and it is stress fest. Few people with 2 jobs are enjoying their life. They struggle.

very true. I was just thinking this morning how I would love sah spouse who handled all the house/kids stuff, and I could just focus on work. If I could do that, I'd be so much happier and probably make more money,too.

-signed a working mom with a working DH who also does his fair share, but it's still tough

Fascinating reading this during COVID. We have had no childcare since March. And we thought it was tough before. Ha.

One thing that stands out to me in the comments — Gen X angst coming from high expectations of self and life. Bang on. Our generation expected so much idealistic mumbo jumbo from ourselves and the world. It is funny because of course you are going to feel lost if that’s your mode of coping with reality — denial. Bringing me right back to Winona Ryder in reality bites mode! LOL

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I’m 50 and the one thing really making me feel down is that 50% of my fellow citizens think it’s great that a racist misogynist who espouses hate is the leader of our country. I was totally okay with having been screwed out of promotions and pay because I’m a woman, especially since I had the pleasure of raising kids. But the fact that I don’t feel like I’ll be left alone to enjoy my hard-earned money in peace when I finally do get to retire . . . well, that makes me want to rip someone’s face off.

I completely get this.

FWIW, I'm coming to a certain peace about doing whatever TF I want because it's not like society values me anyway.

Yes! NP here, and I’m just starting to see what older women have told me about the power of invisibility. Once you go grey and get some wrinkles, people (men, really) honestly don’t even notice you! I’m 44 but I’ve stopped coloring my hair and am starting to embrace the freedom that comes from just not caring. Watch out, world!

I have to say, this is very freeing. Once you get over the fact that you are no longer and will never again be the "hottest" gal in the room . . . you can move on with your life and focus on other things/not worry about the male gaze/attention. It is awesome!

If you depended upon looking hot, that might be the issue.

My grandmother had men coming after her in her 60s and maybe 70s.

She just had a way about her and amazing social skills.

I had bad social skills and worked to improve them and learned from her.

So there is more than hotness to keeping men interested.

I don't want my life to be about whether men find me attractive. As I get older I really couldn't care less if there is a male gaze, it seems so silly. I just want to do things I enjoy and enjoy life, I don't need or want outside validation.

I feel the same way. I don’t care about being hot to men. If DH left me, I doubt I would bother with another relationship.

That is why I wrote if it was important to people.

My grandmother did not seem to care either. She never wanted to remarry because she did not want to become a caretaker to a sick husband a second

I agree. If something happened that I was not with DH, I would not pursue another relationship. I'd focus on my relationships with my kids and other family members and time with friends. This was my grandmother also! She was widowed, but she never got involved with anyone after my grandfather. She just enjoyed her work, her family and her friends for another 25 years.

I was never comfortable with the male gaze, even in my 20s and 30s, but I still felt I had to constantly work at my appearance. Now that I'm in my early 50s, I feel completely free. I work at a job where I can wear jeans every day. People at work seek me out for my expertise. My female friends don't care if I have some wrinkles. My DH still wants to be with me, makeup free and even with a few more pounds, so I really don't give a hoot what anyone else thinks. It feels so f-in awesome.

[Anonymous]

I read the book as well as the article and for all the commenters saying NOT ME, I'll tell you I was doing great in my mid-forties until the one-two punch of one parent dying and the other getting dementia and needing to be put in a home.

Combine that with raising teenagers, and then BAM -- I was diagnosed with a chronic illness.

Some mornings I wake up and look at my tired face and literally say, what the hell happened?

I am coming out of the tunnel now thanks to a great marriage and family life, good friends, and a career that is hitting its stride, but damn, my late forties were brutal.

So it's not just raising kids and working. Toss in dying parents, or ones who need lots of care, or a SN child, or your own illness. Even worse would be financial strain. And day after day you find yourself putting out fires and then collapsing into bed, and trust me that's the bottom of the U curve.

[Anonymous]

I've been working my ass off. Since I was 10 years old, babysitting. And still I am stressed out about money."

This. Whoa. I have money and I can't enjoy it. I'm scared of being a broke, old lady.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Now I just want to outlive Covid than I’ll worry about my midlife crisis lol though I’m not coloring my grays right now just to see how my CovidHair looks

I read the book pre-Covid and right now I feel that I am just trying to keep my family healthy (child and elder care responsibilities), keep my kid academically on track, and stay afloat with the tremendous volume of work in these Covid times. We are all in a really dire and depressing moment. It is not just middle aged women, even though we may bear the brunt of the household responsibilities, it seems like very few are keeping afloat. All this suffering automatically puts things in perspective. It is better to be middle aged, than a high school or college student, or young child. I cannot even imagine the emotional and intellectual challenges kids will face.

Started reading before COVID and it made some sense, since COVID I haven’t been able to read it. Just no longer seems relevant in light of how different the world is right now. I am practicing deep gratitude for just surviving what is going on right now.