Is it worth it for me to work?

[Anonymous]

Slightly OT but I just hate the dichotomy of "my DH is in a high-powered, $$$$ income job that requires a SAHW" because it makes those jobs so inaccessible to women. Because we all know SAHDs are far less common. What's wrong with lowering the pressure on these jobs, and increasing the family-friendliness? There's no reason an office job can't be molded into something more family friendly.

And yes, the kids do miss their dads, and have more distant relationships as a result. There is a muscle memory associated with being around your kids. The more you're around them, the more engaged you are and the more you can help them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Not Op. I’m a SAHM who also works 5 hours per week, room parents for my kids, active in PTA, work out, etc.

OP, you don’t mention a housekeeper. We have a large house and I have a housekeeper and do very few chores around the house. My youngest only goes to preschool 2x per week though so I still keep occupied with the little one.

I will be you in 2 years when my youngest starts kindergarten. I struggle with going back to work. Just the past 2 months, we went on 2 vacations, all the kids and I took turns being sick, I planned holiday parties for kids classes, hosted friends and family. I could not have done all that if I was working.

I couldn’t host play dates on snow days and teacher work days.

I would consider the $15 job though if I thought it was interesting work. We pay our nanny $25 per hour so it seems silly but I would consider it in the future. I’m Ivy League educated and have multiple degrees. I know I can offer a lot. I just don’t want to work full time and we don’t need my income.

I work FT, and the only thing on that list I haven't done in the past two months is plan a class party. But I have planned and run a couple of events related to a volunteer activity. My point isn't to say that there is anything wrong with the choice you've made, but if you do want to go back to work you can make it work.

I also work full time and have done all the things on that list except I have 3 kids that were all sick (only class parent for two of them but have helped plan class parties, helped with teacher gifts, etc). One of our vacations was to visit my sister and her husband, who both work full-time demanding jobs and somehow managed to host us (is that really a jewel that "busybusybusy" people put in their martyr crowns now- hosting guests?). None of that stuff really takes up all that much time. It is fine if you don't want to work OP but none of these are excuses for not working- working parents do them all the time.

You took 20 PTO days within 2 months?

Pp here. I used to work and got 20 days per year. I took one week off for xmas break, had my parents visit and watch kids other week of winter break. I did take quite a hit for sick days.

[Anonymous]

Is this some kind of humblebrag???
Either you get a job and make it work, or you don’t,
Pick your poison.

[Anonymous]

Do you have any ideas for a passion project or consulting venture, OP? Something that you could start up to see if you could make money independently during the school day, since you don't have to worry about childcare costs and it sounds like you could lose a little on start up costs? My kids are 4 and 1 amd I definitely know what i would try to do if I didn't have to immediately make enough to cover $3500/month in day care and carry the family health insurance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not really understanding the problem here.

You describe yourself as bored, drifting, lacking purpose.

Get a full time job and hire more childcare.

Boom, done. Problem solved.

You don’t need a full time job to find fulfillment or purpose. There are no paying, meaningful volunteer opportunities that wouldn’t conflict with your childcare arrangement, wouldn’t require you to go through the hassle and stress of hiring help and would keep you busy.

not really, not intellectually fulfilling ones

Boring shit jobs that no one else wants to do, sure. Those are plentiful.

Not true. I have found very meaningful volunteer work as a SAHM of school aged kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband sounds like quite the pampered prince, OP. Never troubled by the realities of having kids (although I’m sure the family photo is a nice accessory on his desk), everyone else runs their lives around getting the five weeks of vacation he “needs” to relax from his job.

Not OP, but have a very similar situation. It's not about being a pampered prince, it's about making concessions for the main bread winner to do their job. My husband works 6 days a week. It is far more important for him to be able to work until 7pm at night then telling his clients who urgently need him that he can't help them because my daughter needs to go to ballet class or swim lesson. We have a great life but I shoulder the responsibilities for our DD, the house, errands, groceries, etc... I work 12 hours a week and I do need flexibility.

Advice to OP, keep the 5 hour a week gig. Find something else that you want to do. I want to start a non profit that donates gently used children's books to underserved communities. Find something with people, pets, environment, etc... that feeds your soul. If you chose to do something, you can choose when, where, etc...

Far more important to whom? I doubt this is what your daughter would say. Both of my parents worked full time and my husband and I both do as well. But I knew and my kids know that they are more important than our jobs, despite the fact that we both have pretty high-powered careers and earn a lot of money and have clients facing billion dollar issues. This is just sad, PP. I hope you can see that.

I am the PP. My daughter is well loved and cared for by BOTH of us. Family is first but who is or who isn’t driving her to tap or swim class doesn’t define her self esteem or how much one parent does or doesn’t love her. Nice try!

OK, whatever makes you feel better. You kid DOES notice who is driving her to tap or swim class. But keep telling yourself she doesn't.

Not PP but this is just so ridiculous. You aren’t less of a parent if you carpool or hire a nanny to shuffle a kid to an activity, give me a break. Good parents make the time to connect with their kids but that can be in the morning over pancakes rather than at breakfast, or coaching Saturday morning football rather than joining the kid for weeknight dinner. And yes, those connections can be made even when one or both parents have a high powered job requiring later hours or travel etc. It’s a team effort and a balancing act but it can work.

[Anonymous]

^ rather than at dinner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband sounds like quite the pampered prince, OP. Never troubled by the realities of having kids (although I’m sure the family photo is a nice accessory on his desk), everyone else runs their lives around getting the five weeks of vacation he “needs” to relax from his job.

Not OP, but have a very similar situation. It's not about being a pampered prince, it's about making concessions for the main bread winner to do their job. My husband works 6 days a week. It is far more important for him to be able to work until 7pm at night then telling his clients who urgently need him that he can't help them because my daughter needs to go to ballet class or swim lesson. We have a great life but I shoulder the responsibilities for our DD, the house, errands, groceries, etc... I work 12 hours a week and I do need flexibility.

Advice to OP, keep the 5 hour a week gig. Find something else that you want to do. I want to start a non profit that donates gently used children's books to underserved communities. Find something with people, pets, environment, etc... that feeds your soul. If you chose to do something, you can choose when, where, etc...

Far more important to whom? I doubt this is what your daughter would say. Both of my parents worked full time and my husband and I both do as well. But I knew and my kids know that they are more important than our jobs, despite the fact that we both have pretty high-powered careers and earn a lot of money and have clients facing billion dollar issues. This is just sad, PP. I hope you can see that.

I am the PP. My daughter is well loved and cared for by BOTH of us. Family is first but who is or who isn’t driving her to tap or swim class doesn’t define her self esteem or how much one parent does or doesn’t love her. Nice try!

OK, whatever makes you feel better. You kid DOES notice who is driving her to tap or swim class. But keep telling yourself she doesn't.

Not PP but this is just so ridiculous. You aren’t less of a parent if you carpool or hire a nanny to shuffle a kid to an activity, give me a break. Good parents make the time to connect with their kids but that can be in the morning over pancakes rather than at breakfast, or coaching Saturday morning football rather than joining the kid for weeknight dinner. And yes, those connections can be made even when one or both parents have a high powered job requiring later hours or travel etc. It’s a team effort and a balancing act but it can work.

Read the PP. This dad works until 7 pm every single night. And he works 6 days a week. You tell me when he's spending quality time with his kid. Also, she said it's "FAR MORE IMPORTANT" that he handle his clients than be there for his daughter. Her whole post was just gross. Her kid knows where she stands with her dad and I think PP is deluding herself if she thinks otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Not Op. I’m a SAHM who also works 5 hours per week, room parents for my kids, active in PTA, work out, etc.

OP, you don’t mention a housekeeper. We have a large house and I have a housekeeper and do very few chores around the house. My youngest only goes to preschool 2x per week though so I still keep occupied with the little one.

I will be you in 2 years when my youngest starts kindergarten. I struggle with going back to work. Just the past 2 months, we went on 2 vacations, all the kids and I took turns being sick, I planned holiday parties for kids classes, hosted friends and family. I could not have done all that if I was working.

I couldn’t host play dates on snow days and teacher work days.

I would consider the $15 job though if I thought it was interesting work. We pay our nanny $25 per hour so it seems silly but I would consider it in the future. I’m Ivy League educated and have multiple degrees. I know I can offer a lot. I just don’t want to work full time and we don’t need my income.

I work FT, and the only thing on that list I haven't done in the past two months is plan a class party. But I have planned and run a couple of events related to a volunteer activity. My point isn't to say that there is anything wrong with the choice you've made, but if you do want to go back to work you can make it work.

I also work full time and have done all the things on that list except I have 3 kids that were all sick (only class parent for two of them but have helped plan class parties, helped with teacher gifts, etc). One of our vacations was to visit my sister and her husband, who both work full-time demanding jobs and somehow managed to host us (is that really a jewel that "busybusybusy" people put in their martyr crowns now- hosting guests?). None of that stuff really takes up all that much time. It is fine if you don't want to work OP but none of these are excuses for not working- working parents do them all the time.

You took 20 PTO days within 2 months?

Pp here. I used to work and got 20 days per year. I took one week off for xmas break, had my parents visit and watch kids other week of winter break. I did take quite a hit for sick days.

I am the PP and no, I did not take 20 PTO days in order to take two vacations and cover sick days. For sick days I used a combo of working from home and back-up care. For the vacations one was over Christmas so I only used 2 PTO days that week and worked remotely one. The other was in early November and I used 5 PTO days for that one.

[Anonymous]

It’s absurd that you think you can’t work full time simply because your husband has a high powered job. What do you think single moms do? Or every single dual career family? It’s completely fine if you don’t WANT to work full time, but for the love of God, stop saying that you can’t. The rest of us do.

If I were you, I’d stick with the 5 hour per week gig. It sounds pretty sweet.

[Anonymous]

I think what the OP is saying is very accurate as someone who has BTDT.
I am in a similar position and keep a very part time job and do extensive volunteer work with a home for women that are escaping abuse. From picking up toiletry donations to scouring thrift store racks for clothing, to advertising and picking up baby and kid needs, I am very busy and love my “cause.”
However, if my child is sick I stay home.
I take vacations as a family when my husband can plan one. As a PP said, my husband does have vacation time, but it has to be carefully planned, not just taking a day off to stay home for a week when child A has the flu.
I do all the household management tasks so when my husband is home, it’s all family time. He’s not running to the dry cleaners or picking up dog food. His time with us is precious and we use every second.
OP, I would stay with your job and find some volunteer work that suits you to add in. I am not local or would be recruiting you to help us

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband sounds like quite the pampered prince, OP. Never troubled by the realities of having kids (although I’m sure the family photo is a nice accessory on his desk), everyone else runs their lives around getting the five weeks of vacation he “needs” to relax from his job.

Not OP, but have a very similar situation. It's not about being a pampered prince, it's about making concessions for the main bread winner to do their job. My husband works 6 days a week. It is far more important for him to be able to work until 7pm at night then telling his clients who urgently need him that he can't help them because my daughter needs to go to ballet class or swim lesson. We have a great life but I shoulder the responsibilities for our DD, the house, errands, groceries, etc... I work 12 hours a week and I do need flexibility.

Advice to OP, keep the 5 hour a week gig. Find something else that you want to do. I want to start a non profit that donates gently used children's books to underserved communities. Find something with people, pets, environment, etc... that feeds your soul. If you chose to do something, you can choose when, where, etc...

Far more important to whom? I doubt this is what your daughter would say. Both of my parents worked full time and my husband and I both do as well. But I knew and my kids know that they are more important than our jobs, despite the fact that we both have pretty high-powered careers and earn a lot of money and have clients facing billion dollar issues. This is just sad, PP. I hope you can see that.

I am the PP. My daughter is well loved and cared for by BOTH of us. Family is first but who is or who isn’t driving her to tap or swim class doesn’t define her self esteem or how much one parent does or doesn’t love her. Nice try!

OK, whatever makes you feel better. You kid DOES notice who is driving her to tap or swim class. But keep telling yourself she doesn't.

Not PP but this is just so ridiculous. You aren’t less of a parent if you carpool or hire a nanny to shuffle a kid to an activity, give me a break. Good parents make the time to connect with their kids but that can be in the morning over pancakes rather than at breakfast, or coaching Saturday morning football rather than joining the kid for weeknight dinner. And yes, those connections can be made even when one or both parents have a high powered job requiring later hours or travel etc. It’s a team effort and a balancing act but it can work.

Read the PP. This dad works until 7 pm every single night. And he works 6 days a week. You tell me when he's spending quality time with his kid. Also, she said it's "FAR MORE IMPORTANT" that he handle his clients than be there for his daughter. Her whole post was just gross. Her kid knows where she stands with her dad and I think PP is deluding herself if she thinks otherwise.

She didn't say he works til 7 pm nightly, and I wouldn't assume that his weekend hours are the same as his weekday, or even that it involves going into the office. If she says her kids are thriving, who are you to suggest otherwise? You don't know them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's pretty clear from your posts that you don't want to work. You are making excuses for why it won't work, but there are really straightforward solutions to all of them. It's totally fine if you don't want to, but don't pretend it's not realistic to work. That $70k/year full time job would more than pay for before/after care + summer camps, and you could do snow day camps and take sick days when your kid is sick (less and less as they age).

That said, if you are happy with the way things are, I wouldn't go back to work full time. There is value in being able to get household stuff done during the week so weekends are family time. There is a mental relief to not having to scramble to find care on snow days. It sounds like what you have is working for your family.

This.

Yep. Nobody care if you don’t work OP. But there isn’t some unicorn flexible high paying fulfilling part time job out there. Everything is a trade off.

Of course they exist but not for the likes of OP who gave up working long ago. Her resume isn't up to snuff. You have to put in your dues for a long time for the super flex, high paid, unicorn jobs.

But they do exist. I have one and so does my husband. (I make ~ 250k, he makes 850k).

It’s all relative. Personally I do not consider a job in finance where you have to be there past 5 most days a flexible job. I am a researcher and the number of hours I actually have to be in the office at a non-negotiable time per week is less than 20, most weeks closer than 5, and for half of the year 0. Both of us work from. Home and make our own hours, and it helps a lot since our kids are young and go to bed at 7.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's pretty clear from your posts that you don't want to work. You are making excuses for why it won't work, but there are really straightforward solutions to all of them. It's totally fine if you don't want to, but don't pretend it's not realistic to work. That $70k/year full time job would more than pay for before/after care + summer camps, and you could do snow day camps and take sick days when your kid is sick (less and less as they age).

That said, if you are happy with the way things are, I wouldn't go back to work full time. There is value in being able to get household stuff done during the week so weekends are family time. There is a mental relief to not having to scramble to find care on snow days. It sounds like what you have is working for your family.

This.

Yep. Nobody care if you don’t work OP. But there isn’t some unicorn flexible high paying fulfilling part time job out there. Everything is a trade off.

Of course they exist but not for the likes of OP who gave up working long ago. Her resume isn't up to snuff. You have to put in your dues for a long time for the super flex, high paid, unicorn jobs.

But they do exist. I have one and so does my husband. (I make ~ 250k, he makes 850k).

It’s all relative. Personally I do not consider a job in finance where you have to be there past 5 most days a flexible job. I am a researcher and the number of hours I actually have to be in the office at a non-negotiable time per week is less than 20, most weeks closer than 5, and for half of the year 0. Both of us work from. Home and make our own hours, and it helps a lot since our kids are young and go to bed at 7.

Typo — less than 10 hours/week.

[Anonymous]

If you want to work, look at full time jobs as well. You may be able to negotiate a 75% time job. I don't know what you field is, but assuming its non-profit-ish if the pay is so low. I know at my non-profit, where a lot of funding is "soft," we'd probably make it work for the right candidate who wanted to work 10 less hours a week for some of our jobs.