Successful Career Women Are - Doomed Personally?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:By any measure, I have succeeded in a male dominated profession. I also am a Mom. My husband is more successful from a financial stand point but works less hours and I am still expected to do 80% of anything kid related. He resents my job, my travel and my success. How to navigate?

I do 80 percent of the kids stuff, and my wife is absolutely married to her job, working at home every night, travel, etc. Yes, I resent that many, many times it seems our relationship, and the kids, rank far behind her job. I am glad that she has work she feels passionate about, but I don't like how it consumes her life. For example, work trips frequently occur over weekends (professional conferences), and yet she feels guilty about taking a day off some other time. She is caught up in the rat race, and it's a bummer. It has definitely affected our relationship. I think in 20 years she will regret it when she realizes all she misses at home.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:What you're describing isn't normal, no. I'm successful and my husband supports my career. He doesn't like me traveling and is annoyed when I am home late. But he has never asked me to quit.

This.

Bingo, but I'd like to add that while it isn't normal with respect to such an unsupportive husband, it's actually quite normal for a guy to not pull his own weight in terms of chores. I, as a guy, am also guilty of this at times and I don't realize it until my wife points it out to me. While I still try my best I do drop the ball some times. You need to understand that young professional parents today were brought up by baby boomers and a lot of these families did not have working mothers so it's somewhat assumed that the woman's responsibility is housework.

You are a thief and a bad guy. You are not just some happy go lucky good dude who occassionally forgets his share of responsibility. You are a thief who is sucking the time and energy from your wife to use for yourself. You can blame society and the way you were raised and profess that you didn’t realize until your wife pointed it out, but really the problem is YOU are an immature selfish douche who hasn’t the self-perspective to grow up, read a few books and change your habits.

BTW, this is what your wife thinks about you even though she is nice to your face.

Lighten up, Francis.

Oh, whoops, my bad. I forgot we women are supposed to accept this with a polite smile and yet another good-natured request for you to do something so obvious that a mature person shouldn't need to be reminded about it at all.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I have the same problem with my DH. The only thing that really works is to act like a man- I don’t ask or plead or bargain, I just do my thing and he can deal with it. He throws a lot of tantrums, but that’s his problem, not mine.

Agree with PP that marriage really isn’t beneficial for women anymore. I half-joke with my best friend that we’d be better off leaving our husbands, buying a house together, and using sperm donors.

Marriage offers nothing for men, there is only one thing you can do for him he cant do for himself. Go buy a house with your friend, women always do great with each other when money is involved.

And he can get that MUCH more cheaply and effectively without marrying for it.

No you cannot get children much more cheaply and effectively without marrying their mother. You are an idiot if you think sex is the reason to marry. Children are a reason to marry, the only reason. For men, it's the only way.

First of all no one said "sex" did they? Its the relationship they get out of it. If they do not have a connection or relationship. there is NOTHING she can offer he cant do for himself. And no marrying is not the only way for men to have children.......................its not the 1950's anymore

You said "he can get that much more cheaply and effectively without marrying for it", which suggests sex. With regard to marrying not being the only way to have children, that is correct but only for women. For a man to enjoy full-time, uninterrupted fatherhood without consent or involvement of the mother is exceedingly rare, expensive and difficult. Women control procreation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps it's not your job, travel, and success that are the problem?

I am open to looking at it a different way but anytime I have to work late or travel, my husband says things like “I don’t understand why you work”, “can’t you quit that job”, “it’s too much for you to be not home”. We have a nanny that stays until 7:30 pm.

We were like this 30 years ago though my husband was more subtle. But I wanted to work and it was part of me and he was smart enough to accept my reality. It all worked out and we've been married 40 years.

[Anonymous]

If you say so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Quit, stay home, let him worry about the money.

She's entitled to a fulfilling career and the opportunity to make money. What a sexist comment. She obviously likes her job and frankly I think she's better off maintaining her career. Unless he changes I don't know how long she can take doing 80% of the childcare/house and having him shirking his parenting duties. I'd be pretty pissed if I was married to someone like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - i have no idea what your subject line means.

I'm a partner in big law. While women only make up around 30% of our partners, we all tend to have pretty good marriages with supportive partner DHs. The male partners on the other hand seem to have much higher rates of divorce and marital problems. Of course, it could be possible that it's harder to achieve success for women *unless* you have a supportive male partner, so the douchebag jerk DHs like OP's keep the OPs from ever making partner. I guess it's a chicken and egg question.

Curious. Do your supportive DHs also have demanding careers? Make more than you do?

My very supportive DH makes w-a-y more than me (I make in the mid six figures so I bring in a very decent amount but DH makes crazy money...). I don’t travel much but when I do DH does everything - kid carpool, cooks, may even throw in a load of laundry ,etc). I still carry most of the ‘mental load’ but know that I have a real supporter in my husband. I would probably strangle him if he ever said anything like what your husband says. Money isn’t a full measure of what people bring to the table so just because he makes more, doesn’t give him decision rights - we are a team and I am a great mom and pretty awesome wife. We both love our jobs. I feel empowered knowing I’m modeling what a successful working mom looks like but between us we don’t outsource much at all on the kid front. I would be super, super unhappy if I felt he wasn’t proud of my professional accomplishments and wasn’t willing to roll up his sleeves and be a good dad and husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What you're describing isn't normal, no. I'm successful and my husband supports my career. He doesn't like me traveling and is annoyed when I am home late. But he has never asked me to quit.

This.

+2. I don't like it when he travels and he's home late, either, and when I'm frazzled, I can be bitchy about it. And he's in the military, so it's not like it was a huge surprise!

What's getting to you is that he seems to be pretty clear that these are your responsibilities and not his, or, not yours as a part of a team running this family. Have you had that particular conversation with him: "Honey, do you think the kids and the house are primarily my responsibility? Why?" And see whether he's a chauvinist ass or just clueless and hasn't really thought about it.

Bingo. There is no solution that is going to work (you changing jobs, if you quit and stayed at home etc.) if you don’t address the underlying issue. Start the conversation there. I would also add maybe he has pre-conceived notions from growing up or what he sees with co-workers. Maybe he doesn’t have role models of involved parenting from dads or he thought you were on the same page. There are some woman that want to be primary/default parent.

I will echo the pp that I also am not a fan of work travel for DH or late nights. That said, he has cut back on work travel since we had kids, he more than pulls his weight daily, and brings in reinforcements when needed (his parents) I have no resentment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - i have no idea what your subject line means.

I'm a partner in big law. While women only make up around 30% of our partners, we all tend to have pretty good marriages with supportive partner DHs. The male partners on the other hand seem to have much higher rates of divorce and marital problems. Of course, it could be possible that it's harder to achieve success for women *unless* you have a supportive male partner, so the douchebag jerk DHs like OP's keep the OPs from ever making partner. I guess it's a chicken and egg question.

I think men have more of a tendency to trade in for a younger model than women. However, I think you also will find more unmarried or childless women partners in big law than men.

+1 30 something men don’t see a 45 year old plus female law partner in the same way a 30 something female sees a male law partner

Moral of the story:

You are better off making your own money rather than getting discarded for a younger model.

No, moral of the story is don't marry a guy so lacking in character that he views a spouse as a model to be traded in some day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know, if you have a family that you never see is that really success?

I see my family plenty. My kids get up at 5:30 am...I get up with them. I leave for work 3 hours later. I wake up to feed the baby 2-3x a night. I am home by 6:30 pm most nights and it’s another 2 hours before eldest goes to sleep. DH prefers to sleep in and gets off work by 4:30/5:00 but goes to the gym or hangs with his friends until DCs are asleep. He has to do morning and bedtime when my work conflicts.

Your husband sucks

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I feel like marriage is not as beneficial for women as as it once was. Society has tricked us into valuing it so we can keep procreating.

Unless you married Marty Ginsburg, then it’s good.
Most men are selfish as f$ck - it’s just take take take, want want want.
Let him cry a puddle of tears at night if he needs.
Enjoy your child - the time goes by fast!

Women like you are laughable, most women are not only selfish they are entitled to the point of self-harm. The idea of marriage being somehow more beneficial to men than women is laughable. Sound like unwanted middle-aged women speaking. It's not men whining about women not wanting to get married now is it? (The pathetic "feminist" telling men to "man up" and commit to marriage. Absolutely no benefit for men to get married today, zero. Especially to the 35+ herd looking for a security blanket that havent figured out their best days are well behind them.

Angry incel alert!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like marriage is not as beneficial for women as as it once was. Society has tricked us into valuing it so we can keep procreating.

I laffed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
This guy in college told me that ‘women love to clean, it’s in their bones!’ I punched him. He still seemed clueless.

But you still had sex with him, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know, if you have a family that you never see is that really success?

I see my family plenty. My kids get up at 5:30 am...I get up with them. I leave for work 3 hours later. I wake up to feed the baby 2-3x a night. I am home by 6:30 pm most nights and it’s another 2 hours before eldest goes to sleep. DH prefers to sleep in and gets off work by 4:30/5:00 but goes to the gym or hangs with his friends until DCs are asleep. He has to do morning and bedtime when my work conflicts.

Your husband sucks

Ditto. Mine works hard and does some travel but does daycare pickup every day hers not traveling and takes over for everything when I’m on travel. Oh and gets up at 5 am so he can workout before work and spend all his non work time with the kid and me.

[Anonymous]

Your Dh is my exact ex-DH. Kids figured out as they got older who really was there for them.