Anyone have three kids and consider themselves ambitious/ in a competitive career?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone is talking strictly about time here. As someone who used to have a “big job” and is married to someone who still does, I think the bigger issue is stress, mental energy, exhaustion, and patience.

OP here. Thanks, you articulated a big part of it. Beyond the stress, there’s a level of creativity and intellectual energy that goes into my work. I would say that so far having kids has enhanced that but it is largely because we maxed on the help. I’m not 100% sure that is the balance I would have wanted had I not been at a make or break point (tenure track).

Anyway, this has been an interesting thread. Maybe because DC based it seems most ppl are considering career in money terms, not other kinds of contributions. Like Obama wanting to be a leader or, I dunno, a scientist wanting to make a breakthrough. I wonder how compatible that is with a bigger family.

I became pregnant with number 1 at an odd time in my career. I was still able to progress, though, and put off having DC2 for 5 years. When I had DC2, I modified my hours. I was still able to remain in my "fast-track" position and maintain my reputation, even having shorter hours, due to all of the face time and work I had put in during my earlier years. I had DC3 a year and half later and my life completely changed. I didn't want to be on the "fast-track" anymore. I didn't want to have to pay a nanny to work 60-70 hours a week. I didn't want any of it anymore. It wasn't about the money. It was about my mental energy and time. I wanted to FINALLY focus on my family. My job just didn't cut it anymore. So, I quit. I became a SAHM for 4 years. Then, I found a position that would let me telework after 6 months of office time. I will never get promoted. I make just enough to justify working. But, my life is so much better. My younger kids don't feel the effects of having a working mom, because they don't have the SACC issues or commuting issues. I'm always there. I think the only person who is disappointed by my choices is my dad, because he loved getting behind all of that ambition and drive I had. But my family comes first and I don't regret quitting at all.

OP here. Sure, there are ages and stages for everything. I have felt more torn at times than others -- that's mainly why I worked a lot from home the first year of both of mine, so I could nurse and see them more often. Overall, though, I think our kids will need us for a lot of things. This is a very personal thing, but I feel like I can give them more if I maintain my own growth and creativity than if I were to simply spend all my time keeping the home and parenting. I know other women feel differently and get the intellectual stimulation and creative output they need as SAHM. That's great for them, but it's not how I was built. I am still not quite sure how to get the balance right but I feel that working is part of it, and for the career track I'm on there aren't any off and on ramps. It's up or out. Very hard for women, of course.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom was extremely ambitious, made 7 figures plus, shattered glass ceilings. Despite her attempts, I never felt like she was present for me - she simply couldn't be when her job always came first. Yes, she showed up to most of my special events (and those of my 2 siblings), but we all knew that if something came up at work, that would always take priority.

After years of therapy I've learned to respect that my mom was ambitious, and made her job her first priority. It never meant she didn't love me (though I felt like it did as a kid). But, her actions had consequences, and I didn't have the mom many of my other friends had, and I don't have the relationship with her now that we would both like.

Ultimately, everybody chooses. Kids with 2 ambitious parents will be fine, of course. I'm fine, my siblings are fine. But nobody should pretend it won't deeply affect them. It will.

troll

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, if you can make this work, I will envy you. I was super ambitious, Ivy League educated and was killing it. I married a fellow go getter. I became the default parent. Now DH has a prestigious career, makes the big bucks and works on cutting edge projects. I live a wonderful life full of my children. I tried for years to juggle work life balance and ultimately stopped working. I had a nanny, cook, cleaners, tutors, music teachers and back up babysitters. This was when I had just 2 kids and I felt I outsourced too much childcare. My heart just sank when my kids would ask why I didn’t come to their class party. I hated being stuck at the office when it was gorgeous outside.

Your husband is not involved. That is the issue.

He is involved on weekends and non-working hours. My children have a great relationship with their dad.

He has done a few doctor appointments but never went to school events during the day. He would call in for parent teacher conferences. His career has soared though. He probably earned 800k when I stopped working. Now he is making $2m. I don’t think he would have gotten there if he left work early or rolled into work late everyday.

I am sometimes resentful. Maybe it would have been better if we both had flex jobs and he earned 500 and I earned 200.

Yes, I think "not involved" isn't the right way to describe your husband. Sounds more like he was unwilling to let his career come second so you could have a turn, though. In most couples I know where the woman has maintained a star track, the husband was willing to backseat for a while during the intensive years of young children so she could keep up the pace. If the man is not willing to do that then 9 times out of 10 the woman ends up cutting back eventually to PT or quitting. I have seen it happen so many times. My husband and I discussed this explicitly before marriage because I wanted to know where I would stand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our family does. We have one grandparent in the area who helps a lot, but also has a full-time (but laid back) job. That is all the help we have (no outside sitters, nannies, etc.), but it is a TREMENDOUS help!

It's doable, but as someone else said, PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY EXHAUSTING! I (mom) also find myself questioning whether I am doing the right thing by sticking with my profession, as much of our social circle has at least one SAHP. To each his own, I just personally could not live with myself knowing I didn't at least try to have it all, and want my kids to know that they can have it all if they are willing to work hard and make the sacrifices.

We recently had a relocation opportunity which would have allowed us to tone down our careers and maintain our salaries, but there was no advancement potential for one of us ... turned it down.

You can make it work, but you've got to be extremely organized and kids need to be on a schedule.

What did you do when the kids were little (younger than school age) -- daycare or nanny? How many hours of screentime do you allow a day? Are your kids in activities? I'm not asking to be snarky, just trying to get a sense of what this looks like in concrete terms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, if you can make this work, I will envy you. I was super ambitious, Ivy League educated and was killing it. I married a fellow go getter. I became the default parent. Now DH has a prestigious career, makes the big bucks and works on cutting edge projects. I live a wonderful life full of my children. I tried for years to juggle work life balance and ultimately stopped working. I had a nanny, cook, cleaners, tutors, music teachers and back up babysitters. This was when I had just 2 kids and I felt I outsourced too much childcare. My heart just sank when my kids would ask why I didn’t come to their class party. I hated being stuck at the office when it was gorgeous outside.

Your husband is not involved. That is the issue.

He is involved on weekends and non-working hours. My children have a great relationship with their dad.

He has done a few doctor appointments but never went to school events during the day. He would call in for parent teacher conferences. His career has soared though. He probably earned 800k when I stopped working. Now he is making $2m. I don’t think he would have gotten there if he left work early or rolled into work late everyday.

I am sometimes resentful. Maybe it would have been better if we both had flex jobs and he earned 500 and I earned 200.

Yes, where can I find that kind of "flex job"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, if you can make this work, I will envy you. I was super ambitious, Ivy League educated and was killing it. I married a fellow go getter. I became the default parent. Now DH has a prestigious career, makes the big bucks and works on cutting edge projects. I live a wonderful life full of my children. I tried for years to juggle work life balance and ultimately stopped working. I had a nanny, cook, cleaners, tutors, music teachers and back up babysitters. This was when I had just 2 kids and I felt I outsourced too much childcare. My heart just sank when my kids would ask why I didn’t come to their class party. I hated being stuck at the office when it was gorgeous outside.

Your husband is not involved. That is the issue.

He is involved on weekends and non-working hours. My children have a great relationship with their dad.

He has done a few doctor appointments but never went to school events during the day. He would call in for parent teacher conferences. His career has soared though. He probably earned 800k when I stopped working. Now he is making $2m. I don’t think he would have gotten there if he left work early or rolled into work late everyday.

I am sometimes resentful. Maybe it would have been better if we both had flex jobs and he earned 500 and I earned 200.

Yes, where can I find that kind of "flex job"?

Allow me to quote Thornton Melon (Rodney Dangerfield) in "Back to School"........."How about fantasyland?!"

[Anonymous]

Yes, and no.

I'm mostly ambitious in the career of living a well rounded satisfied life. 40 hr work week and pay at the GS-15 level propels this. I'm not wearing a top hat and monocle but we get by fine like this. Working at a job is an important part of life but does seem to be overrated in terms of satisfaction in the long run.