Wife wants to hire a babysitter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PPs are being unnecessarily hard on OP.

While I generally agree with people who hate the terms dads use like "babysitting" their own kids, I think OP's use of giving his wife a break was totally inoffensive here. How else to frame it? For the sake of devil's advocate, let's assume OP is a superstar dad who full time watches the kid Saturday and Sunday from 9am to 6pm. I think it would still be totally appropriate to say he is motivated to do that in order to "give his wife a break". The term just isn't offensive here, and doesn't denote that he's a lazy bad dad.

OP's wife sounds like she's not cut out for sahm. She even said she's dying to get back to work. Agree she should definitely only have one kid. She should also go back to work pronto - don't wait until age 3. I speak as the parent of a pretty demanding special needs kid who worked part time from home for the first 3 years -- it's not THAT overwhelming. You definitely need to go to the mom's morning out or library things or otherwise you will literally go crazy not talking to other people. If a sahm is depressed because she's bored and lonely at home BUT ALSO refuses to go to those classes, that tells me they are chemically depressed and/or just not a good fit for this job. It sounds like she really just hates it.

All that said, I'm sympathetic with the wife's feelings about both wanting to be home with the kid, but being bored and sad, but also not wanting to take DH up on offers to leave the house or have alone time while he takes over. I remember being bored and sad, and my DH would say "go get a mani pedi for a break!" and I'd think that going to sit in a loud salon for one hour, where I have to drive there and back is not my idea of a break. I just want to be in my house and watch 16 hours of Netflix uninterrupted! And then when he was home, I wanted to hang out with him -- not be locked up in our bedroom bored and alone while he hung out with the toddler. So I get why his wife isn't taking him up on those options.

Agree that if you could swing a babysitter, I'd just do it for the six months until she goes back to work (but make it contingent on her going back to work sooner than expected). That said, I resent the people on here who are all "10 hours of babysitter isn't going to blow your budget!" Even in low COL communities, you're probably paying $10 an hour, so $100 a week, so $5000 a year. OP makes $90k, which means probably $60k after tax. $5000 is like 9% of their aftertax income. That's an insane amount of money to act is like no big deal. I'd get her four hours a week during one morning that she can either sleep, read, go to the doctor or get her hair cut etc.

And don't have more kids and get her back to work.

OP here. Thank you. I do give her a break from the time I get home from work until whenever she wants to come back. Several months ago she will leave at 6 pm and come back at 10 pm. She went to the lobby in out condo building and read or watched tv etc. I can't leave my house for several hours right after work. I also want to relax after a long day at work. I can do that Saturday and Sunday mornings until nap time. She attends church Sundays with our toddler. She could go alone but she doesn't want to. She has plenty of free time but she won't take me up on it.

When you get home from work she is dead on her feet and probably barely has the energy to do more than stare at a wall, and she feels guilty that you're up there taking care of the toddler when you're tired as well. That is not a relaxing break for her.

Well, It seems to be more of a break than what he is getting. Everybody has to do something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PPs are being unnecessarily hard on OP.

While I generally agree with people who hate the terms dads use like "babysitting" their own kids, I think OP's use of giving his wife a break was totally inoffensive here. How else to frame it? For the sake of devil's advocate, let's assume OP is a superstar dad who full time watches the kid Saturday and Sunday from 9am to 6pm. I think it would still be totally appropriate to say he is motivated to do that in order to "give his wife a break". The term just isn't offensive here, and doesn't denote that he's a lazy bad dad.

OP's wife sounds like she's not cut out for sahm. She even said she's dying to get back to work. Agree she should definitely only have one kid. She should also go back to work pronto - don't wait until age 3. I speak as the parent of a pretty demanding special needs kid who worked part time from home for the first 3 years -- it's not THAT overwhelming. You definitely need to go to the mom's morning out or library things or otherwise you will literally go crazy not talking to other people. If a sahm is depressed because she's bored and lonely at home BUT ALSO refuses to go to those classes, that tells me they are chemically depressed and/or just not a good fit for this job. It sounds like she really just hates it.

All that said, I'm sympathetic with the wife's feelings about both wanting to be home with the kid, but being bored and sad, but also not wanting to take DH up on offers to leave the house or have alone time while he takes over. I remember being bored and sad, and my DH would say "go get a mani pedi for a break!" and I'd think that going to sit in a loud salon for one hour, where I have to drive there and back is not my idea of a break. I just want to be in my house and watch 16 hours of Netflix uninterrupted! And then when he was home, I wanted to hang out with him -- not be locked up in our bedroom bored and alone while he hung out with the toddler. So I get why his wife isn't taking him up on those options.

Agree that if you could swing a babysitter, I'd just do it for the six months until she goes back to work (but make it contingent on her going back to work sooner than expected). That said, I resent the people on here who are all "10 hours of babysitter isn't going to blow your budget!" Even in low COL communities, you're probably paying $10 an hour, so $100 a week, so $5000 a year. OP makes $90k, which means probably $60k after tax. $5000 is like 9% of their aftertax income. That's an insane amount of money to act is like no big deal. I'd get her four hours a week during one morning that she can either sleep, read, go to the doctor or get her hair cut etc.

And don't have more kids and get her back to work.

OP here. Thank you. I do give her a break from the time I get home from work until whenever she wants to come back. Several months ago she will leave at 6 pm and come back at 10 pm. She went to the lobby in out condo building and read or watched tv etc. I can't leave my house for several hours right after work. I also want to relax after a long day at work. I can do that Saturday and Sunday mornings until nap time. She attends church Sundays with our toddler. She could go alone but she doesn't want to. She has plenty of free time but she won't take me up on it.

When you get home from work she is dead on her feet and probably barely has the energy to do more than stare at a wall, and she feels guilty that you're up there taking care of the toddler when you're tired as well. That is not a relaxing break for her.

Well, It seems to be more of a break than what he is getting. Everybody has to do something.

If they pay for a sitter during the week to give her a meaningful break, she will probably be in a better position to give OP a more meaningful break when he's home as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PPs are being unnecessarily hard on OP.

While I generally agree with people who hate the terms dads use like "babysitting" their own kids, I think OP's use of giving his wife a break was totally inoffensive here. How else to frame it? For the sake of devil's advocate, let's assume OP is a superstar dad who full time watches the kid Saturday and Sunday from 9am to 6pm. I think it would still be totally appropriate to say he is motivated to do that in order to "give his wife a break". The term just isn't offensive here, and doesn't denote that he's a lazy bad dad.

OP's wife sounds like she's not cut out for sahm. She even said she's dying to get back to work. Agree she should definitely only have one kid. She should also go back to work pronto - don't wait until age 3. I speak as the parent of a pretty demanding special needs kid who worked part time from home for the first 3 years -- it's not THAT overwhelming. You definitely need to go to the mom's morning out or library things or otherwise you will literally go crazy not talking to other people. If a sahm is depressed because she's bored and lonely at home BUT ALSO refuses to go to those classes, that tells me they are chemically depressed and/or just not a good fit for this job. It sounds like she really just hates it.

All that said, I'm sympathetic with the wife's feelings about both wanting to be home with the kid, but being bored and sad, but also not wanting to take DH up on offers to leave the house or have alone time while he takes over. I remember being bored and sad, and my DH would say "go get a mani pedi for a break!" and I'd think that going to sit in a loud salon for one hour, where I have to drive there and back is not my idea of a break. I just want to be in my house and watch 16 hours of Netflix uninterrupted! And then when he was home, I wanted to hang out with him -- not be locked up in our bedroom bored and alone while he hung out with the toddler. So I get why his wife isn't taking him up on those options.

Agree that if you could swing a babysitter, I'd just do it for the six months until she goes back to work (but make it contingent on her going back to work sooner than expected). That said, I resent the people on here who are all "10 hours of babysitter isn't going to blow your budget!" Even in low COL communities, you're probably paying $10 an hour, so $100 a week, so $5000 a year. OP makes $90k, which means probably $60k after tax. $5000 is like 9% of their aftertax income. That's an insane amount of money to act is like no big deal. I'd get her four hours a week during one morning that she can either sleep, read, go to the doctor or get her hair cut etc.

And don't have more kids and get her back to work.

+1 Thanks for saving me all the typing.

Wait what?! She needs a part time babysitter and somehow it means she should go back to work. Working women are so bizarre.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PPs are being unnecessarily hard on OP.

While I generally agree with people who hate the terms dads use like "babysitting" their own kids, I think OP's use of giving his wife a break was totally inoffensive here. How else to frame it? For the sake of devil's advocate, let's assume OP is a superstar dad who full time watches the kid Saturday and Sunday from 9am to 6pm. I think it would still be totally appropriate to say he is motivated to do that in order to "give his wife a break". The term just isn't offensive here, and doesn't denote that he's a lazy bad dad.

OP's wife sounds like she's not cut out for sahm. She even said she's dying to get back to work. Agree she should definitely only have one kid. She should also go back to work pronto - don't wait until age 3. I speak as the parent of a pretty demanding special needs kid who worked part time from home for the first 3 years -- it's not THAT overwhelming. You definitely need to go to the mom's morning out or library things or otherwise you will literally go crazy not talking to other people. If a sahm is depressed because she's bored and lonely at home BUT ALSO refuses to go to those classes, that tells me they are chemically depressed and/or just not a good fit for this job. It sounds like she really just hates it.

All that said, I'm sympathetic with the wife's feelings about both wanting to be home with the kid, but being bored and sad, but also not wanting to take DH up on offers to leave the house or have alone time while he takes over. I remember being bored and sad, and my DH would say "go get a mani pedi for a break!" and I'd think that going to sit in a loud salon for one hour, where I have to drive there and back is not my idea of a break. I just want to be in my house and watch 16 hours of Netflix uninterrupted! And then when he was home, I wanted to hang out with him -- not be locked up in our bedroom bored and alone while he hung out with the toddler. So I get why his wife isn't taking him up on those options.

Agree that if you could swing a babysitter, I'd just do it for the six months until she goes back to work (but make it contingent on her going back to work sooner than expected). That said, I resent the people on here who are all "10 hours of babysitter isn't going to blow your budget!" Even in low COL communities, you're probably paying $10 an hour, so $100 a week, so $5000 a year. OP makes $90k, which means probably $60k after tax. $5000 is like 9% of their aftertax income. That's an insane amount of money to act is like no big deal. I'd get her four hours a week during one morning that she can either sleep, read, go to the doctor or get her hair cut etc.

And don't have more kids and get her back to work.

+1 Thanks for saving me all the typing.

Wait what?! She needs a part time babysitter and somehow it means she should go back to work. Working women are so bizarre.

It's an American thing. They feel guilty about hiring help unless they're super rich.

[Anonymous]

Well, you're not signing a 20 year mortgage, are you, OP?

Find a babysitter, try her and see what happens! It's going to be $15 an hour tops, if you're not living in an expensive area. Do it once. If it works, do it once a week.

My oldest had special needs and I never felt the urge to "take a break", and never hired a babysitter until many years later, but what you need to respect is that everyone's needs vary and that you have to step up here.

Has your wife been to the doctor's for a check up? She could also have thyroid issues, or anemia, or depression, or something medical that makes her unable to cope as well as she could.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PPs are being unnecessarily hard on OP.

While I generally agree with people who hate the terms dads use like "babysitting" their own kids, I think OP's use of giving his wife a break was totally inoffensive here. How else to frame it? For the sake of devil's advocate, let's assume OP is a superstar dad who full time watches the kid Saturday and Sunday from 9am to 6pm. I think it would still be totally appropriate to say he is motivated to do that in order to "give his wife a break". The term just isn't offensive here, and doesn't denote that he's a lazy bad dad.

OP's wife sounds like she's not cut out for sahm. She even said she's dying to get back to work. Agree she should definitely only have one kid. She should also go back to work pronto - don't wait until age 3. I speak as the parent of a pretty demanding special needs kid who worked part time from home for the first 3 years -- it's not THAT overwhelming. You definitely need to go to the mom's morning out or library things or otherwise you will literally go crazy not talking to other people. If a sahm is depressed because she's bored and lonely at home BUT ALSO refuses to go to those classes, that tells me they are chemically depressed and/or just not a good fit for this job. It sounds like she really just hates it.

All that said, I'm sympathetic with the wife's feelings about both wanting to be home with the kid, but being bored and sad, but also not wanting to take DH up on offers to leave the house or have alone time while he takes over. I remember being bored and sad, and my DH would say "go get a mani pedi for a break!" and I'd think that going to sit in a loud salon for one hour, where I have to drive there and back is not my idea of a break. I just want to be in my house and watch 16 hours of Netflix uninterrupted! And then when he was home, I wanted to hang out with him -- not be locked up in our bedroom bored and alone while he hung out with the toddler. So I get why his wife isn't taking him up on those options.

Agree that if you could swing a babysitter, I'd just do it for the six months until she goes back to work (but make it contingent on her going back to work sooner than expected). That said, I resent the people on here who are all "10 hours of babysitter isn't going to blow your budget!" Even in low COL communities, you're probably paying $10 an hour, so $100 a week, so $5000 a year. OP makes $90k, which means probably $60k after tax. $5000 is like 9% of their aftertax income. That's an insane amount of money to act is like no big deal. I'd get her four hours a week during one morning that she can either sleep, read, go to the doctor or get her hair cut etc.

And don't have more kids and get her back to work.

+1 Thanks for saving me all the typing.

Wait what?! She needs a part time babysitter and somehow it means she should go back to work. Working women are so bizarre.

It's an American thing. They feel guilty about hiring help unless they're super rich.

Oh, its the "Americans" argument again. How original.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes being overwhelmed by toddler = lack of socializing. Does your wife have mom friends/much social interaction during the day? Maybe what she needs is not more alone time, and when you get home, that's why she doesn't want to leave the kid with you, because she wants to socialize with you, as her only outlet?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I want to help my wife feel less stressed but I am not sure how to go about it

Um. She wants to hire a babysitter. She's literally telling you how to go about it.

+1



Babysitter a few hours during the week. And you take the kid out for an outing on the weekend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I want to help my wife feel less stressed but I am not sure how to go about it

Um. She wants to hire a babysitter. She's literally telling you how to go about it.

+1



Babysitter a few hours during the week. And you take the kid out for an outing on the weekend.

Did no one understand that is an expense that cannot be justified on the OP's current income. If the wife wants to work and earn the money for a babysitter, sure, but, sometimes we can't afford that really means that we can't afford that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes being overwhelmed by toddler = lack of socializing. Does your wife have mom friends/much social interaction during the day? Maybe what she needs is not more alone time, and when you get home, that's why she doesn't want to leave the kid with you, because she wants to socialize with you, as her only outlet?

Op here. My wife is super social. She has tons friends and activities. They swim, go to museums, the zoo, farms, friends houses, library story time and we have a membership to an indoor playground.

[Anonymous]

Can she do a swap with another mom? Arrange where she watches their child Tuesday and Thursday morning for 4 hours, and then the other mom watches both Monday & Wednesday mornings. No money involved. Both get a break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PPs are being unnecessarily hard on OP.

While I generally agree with people who hate the terms dads use like "babysitting" their own kids, I think OP's use of giving his wife a break was totally inoffensive here. How else to frame it? For the sake of devil's advocate, let's assume OP is a superstar dad who full time watches the kid Saturday and Sunday from 9am to 6pm. I think it would still be totally appropriate to say he is motivated to do that in order to "give his wife a break". The term just isn't offensive here, and doesn't denote that he's a lazy bad dad.

OP's wife sounds like she's not cut out for sahm. She even said she's dying to get back to work. Agree she should definitely only have one kid. She should also go back to work pronto - don't wait until age 3. I speak as the parent of a pretty demanding special needs kid who worked part time from home for the first 3 years -- it's not THAT overwhelming. You definitely need to go to the mom's morning out or library things or otherwise you will literally go crazy not talking to other people. If a sahm is depressed because she's bored and lonely at home BUT ALSO refuses to go to those classes, that tells me they are chemically depressed and/or just not a good fit for this job. It sounds like she really just hates it.

All that said, I'm sympathetic with the wife's feelings about both wanting to be home with the kid, but being bored and sad, but also not wanting to take DH up on offers to leave the house or have alone time while he takes over. I remember being bored and sad, and my DH would say "go get a mani pedi for a break!" and I'd think that going to sit in a loud salon for one hour, where I have to drive there and back is not my idea of a break. I just want to be in my house and watch 16 hours of Netflix uninterrupted! And then when he was home, I wanted to hang out with him -- not be locked up in our bedroom bored and alone while he hung out with the toddler. So I get why his wife isn't taking him up on those options.

Agree that if you could swing a babysitter, I'd just do it for the six months until she goes back to work (but make it contingent on her going back to work sooner than expected). That said, I resent the people on here who are all "10 hours of babysitter isn't going to blow your budget!" Even in low COL communities, you're probably paying $10 an hour, so $100 a week, so $5000 a year. OP makes $90k, which means probably $60k after tax. $5000 is like 9% of their aftertax income. That's an insane amount of money to act is like no big deal. I'd get her four hours a week during one morning that she can either sleep, read, go to the doctor or get her hair cut etc.

And don't have more kids and get her back to work.

+1 Thanks for saving me all the typing.

Wait what?! She needs a part time babysitter and somehow it means she should go back to work. Working women are so bizarre.

No, wife needs a part time babysitter that they cannot afford since wife doesn't work, AND wife seems genuinely unhappy or depressed staying home.

[Anonymous]

We can't afford a sitter. Last years gross was $72k for a family of 5. I do daycare so I get the exhaustion of being around kids all day but sometimes you just can't afford help. I would suggest she trade childcare with a friend one morning a week. That would mean one morning she would have two kids but she would also get one morning free.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes being overwhelmed by toddler = lack of socializing. Does your wife have mom friends/much social interaction during the day? Maybe what she needs is not more alone time, and when you get home, that's why she doesn't want to leave the kid with you, because she wants to socialize with you, as her only outlet?

Op here. My wife is super social. She has tons friends and activities. They swim, go to museums, the zoo, farms, friends houses, library story time and we have a membership to an indoor playground.

Have you ever been on a toddler playdate? They're typically not social outings for the adults, you get to chat a little bit but your conversation is constantly being interrupted by your child and their needs. Playdates don't really become relaxing social time for the moms until the kids are old enough to play relatively unsupervised.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I want to help my wife feel less stressed but I am not sure how to go about it

Um. She wants to hire a babysitter. She's literally telling you how to go about it.

+1



Babysitter a few hours during the week. And you take the kid out for an outing on the weekend.

and when OP needs a break from work, does DW hire a temp for him and shuffle into work on the weekend to give him that break?