Wife wants to hire a babysitter

[Anonymous]

I would get a sitter twice a week in the morning for a 3-4 hours so your wife can get a real break, run errands and go to the gym or whatever. It would be therapeutic to work out

[Anonymous]

The reason your son cries when you leave him is that he gets what he wants when he cries. If you don't break that cycle now, it's going to be a long road.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow never heard of a man stress this much over a household decision. My husband would say we can’t afford it and no without skipping a beat. And would probably throw in I’m lazy in there just for good measure.

.... and you are happy with that?

[Anonymous]

OP, give her a break.
I WAH and watch our toddler, so I have a double whammy, but I’m going to say, I admire SAH parents.

The woman wants a shower, or to pee, to fully get her hair done, or to just have a tea without needing to listen for crying, needing to intervene, etc. I’m guessing, even if you’re a good parent, she intervenes because she’s the default parent. My DH is an excellent parent, but somewhat clueless.

[Anonymous]

How about a high schooler to come after school for two hours per day? That would be a lot cheaper than an adult or nanny, but still will give her the needed break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I want to help my wife feel less stressed but I am not sure how to go about it

Um. She wants to hire a babysitter. She's literally telling you how to go about it.

Yep. Either let her go back to work now, or get her a babysitter.

Oh, and when she goes back to work, she gets as much time off after work as you do -- you start splitting the home/kid stuff. Do not expect her to manage all of it.

[Anonymous]

Isn't there a Mother's Day Out program somewhere? That's really different from a gym daycare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're not going to win so just hire a babysitter for a few hours a week.

It will be cheaper in the long run than whatever else would happen and your toddler will turn three soon enough.

+1

Even half a day a week could make a huge difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife is a SAHM. She says she desperately needs help during the day. We have 1 toddler. He is definitely a handful. I will give her that. He will not adjust to gym childcare. She has tried a ton of times. He happier at home with a babysitter. I offer her breaks when I get home from work and weekend mornings. She rarely takes me up on the offer. She says it's hard to go out and relax somewhere else. She wants to be at home. Hiring a babysitter part time is pricey and we're solidly middle class. My income is about 90 k. We no longer live in DC metro area so 90 k is fine for us. I want to help my wife feel less stressed but I am not sure how to go about it? Also, keep in mind we have no family help at all. Both of DW parents passed away. Her mother passed away a year before we had our son. I know she's still grieving the lost of her mother. She went to therapy about a year ago and did a grieving workshop for a while. Our son will cry if she tries to leave in the evenings. She feels guilty and will ALWAYS end up taking him someone for her "break". She wants to go back to work when our son is 3 and is in all day preschool.

So get up with your toddler and get him out of the house one weekend day each weekend! Go to a park, for donuts, the library, wherever, come back for lunch and nap time.

And that will give you a better handle on what she is dealing with.

Consider part-time preschool now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem about giving her break only through your time is that she is also probably missing time with you/as another adult and as her husband. She also may see the time with the 3 of you together in the evening as successful family time so I can see why she doesn't want that.

Please agree together to hire a babysitter for her to have some restorative time during the week (don't make it you allowing her geeez!!!) Being at home is hard and lonely and if your kid is at a tough stage please have compassion for her as an adult trying to tell you she needs a bit of a break.

This. Plus, if she's relying on you to give her a break, that means her break time is competing with your needs as well, whether it's needing to work late, or having had a rough day and needing a break yourself, or something else coming up that would conflict with her getting a break. By paying a sitter, she's getting reliable hours to herself that she doesn't have to feel guilty for taking or pressured to give up (not that you would be pressuring her, but that she would feel pressure to give up her evening break if, for instance, you'd come home from a lousy day at work and had a huge headache).

[Anonymous]

I read these posts and am dumbstruck that this is clearly not a joint decision. Even some PPs have suggested that you just say "no", as if you're your wife's parent. If you've never stayed home all day with a toddler you're not in a position to decide how difficult it is or isn't. And before anyone chimes in with the "but he earns the money!", she's clearly raising the kid, as OP defines parenting as "offering her a break".

I don't mean to insult you but man the F up and be a parent. That'll solve your wife's problem, but it's also what you signed up for when you had a kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I read these posts and am dumbstruck that this is clearly not a joint decision. Even some PPs have suggested that you just say "no", as if you're your wife's parent. If you've never stayed home all day with a toddler you're not in a position to decide how difficult it is or isn't. And before anyone chimes in with the "but he earns the money!", she's clearly raising the kid, as OP defines parenting as "offering her a break".

I don't mean to insult you but man the F up and be a parent. That'll solve your wife's problem, but it's also what you signed up for when you had a kid.

The 'offering her a break' was time alone, where she has nothing else she has to do, no obligations at all. That is by any definition a break. It is not joint parenting. Joint parenting time is when they are both home and both participating in household / parenting tasks. Do you think working is his 'me time'? Let me assure you that it isn't. Division of labor is a thing.

[Anonymous]

I am a SAHM with a part time mother's helper/evening sitter, and I think you should do it, but make sure she leaves the house when the sitter is there, even if she "likes to be at home." It is very difficult for a toddler to adjust to a sitter if the mom stays in the house, even if she is somewhere else in the house doing chores or making dinner etc. Your wife will not be able to relax because the toddler will cry for her. Tell her you agree but she needs to leave and teach the toddler to tolerate her absence. It will make your child's adjustment to preschool and her return to the workforce much easier if he practices now. Also encourage her to use the sitter's time to have an occasional visit with a therapist. It sounds like she is truly struggling to adjust to the loss of her mom, and it might be hitting her more now than it did at the time of the loss, since the birth came afterwards. Now is the time when she would love to pick up the phone and ask her mom "what do I do when he cries all the time" or "he won't eat any vegetables" and the countless other times a new mom relies on her mother for guidance.

[Anonymous]

Are there any colleges near you? If so, contact them about adverstising for a babysitter. College students often have a couple of mornings a week where they don't have classes so if you make it clear on your advertisement that either Monday/Wednesday or Tuesday/Thursday would work, as long as you aren't too far from campus & are willing to pay a decent salary (ask around for what is considered decent for college babysitters), you should be able to find a student with babysitting experience who is more than happy to make some extra cash every week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are there any colleges near you? If so, contact them about adverstising for a babysitter. College students often have a couple of mornings a week where they don't have classes so if you make it clear on your advertisement that either Monday/Wednesday or Tuesday/Thursday would work, as long as you aren't too far from campus & are willing to pay a decent salary (ask around for what is considered decent for college babysitters), you should be able to find a student with babysitting experience who is more than happy to make some extra cash every week.

^Oh, & when the college student leaves for the summer, you could probably find a local high school student who is off for the summer to take her place. Since colleges typically get oit earlier than high schools, this would leave you without a sitter for a few weeks but I honestly think it might be hard to find an adult/nonstudent who is looking to babysit only two mornings a week so it might still be your best option. Maybe during these weeks the high schooler could come a couple times a week after school instead & at least give your wife a bit of a break that way.