Wife wants to hire a babysitter

[Anonymous]

I have one, and look after 4 more children ages 3 and under during the day. Routine is important. I'm wondering though is your wife ok? Is she still struggling with the loss of her mom. Is she still wanting to be a SAHM? It is not for everyone. Any postpartum depression?

[Anonymous]

Get the sitter. It won't kill you in terms of cost to give her that break for a few hours a week and will do wonders for her. I can't believe you are even questioning it.

And go have some alone time with your child on Saturday so she can have peace and quiet at home. You sound like one of those utterly clueless dads who doesn't have any idea how to entertain your toddler out of the house for a few hours on your own

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I want to help my wife feel less stressed but I am not sure how to go about it

Um. She wants to hire a babysitter. She's literally telling you how to go about it.

Hiring a babysitter 10 hours a week will not break the bank, and once your wife is less stressed you can work on implementing some of the other solutions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:i hope she is not planning on having additional kids.

+1 OP. Get her the sitter, and then get her back to work ASAP. She is not SAHM material.

[Anonymous]

PPs are being unnecessarily hard on OP.

While I generally agree with people who hate the terms dads use like "babysitting" their own kids, I think OP's use of giving his wife a break was totally inoffensive here. How else to frame it? For the sake of devil's advocate, let's assume OP is a superstar dad who full time watches the kid Saturday and Sunday from 9am to 6pm. I think it would still be totally appropriate to say he is motivated to do that in order to "give his wife a break". The term just isn't offensive here, and doesn't denote that he's a lazy bad dad.

OP's wife sounds like she's not cut out for sahm. She even said she's dying to get back to work. Agree she should definitely only have one kid. She should also go back to work pronto - don't wait until age 3. I speak as the parent of a pretty demanding special needs kid who worked part time from home for the first 3 years -- it's not THAT overwhelming. You definitely need to go to the mom's morning out or library things or otherwise you will literally go crazy not talking to other people. If a sahm is depressed because she's bored and lonely at home BUT ALSO refuses to go to those classes, that tells me they are chemically depressed and/or just not a good fit for this job. It sounds like she really just hates it.

All that said, I'm sympathetic with the wife's feelings about both wanting to be home with the kid, but being bored and sad, but also not wanting to take DH up on offers to leave the house or have alone time while he takes over. I remember being bored and sad, and my DH would say "go get a mani pedi for a break!" and I'd think that going to sit in a loud salon for one hour, where I have to drive there and back is not my idea of a break. I just want to be in my house and watch 16 hours of Netflix uninterrupted! And then when he was home, I wanted to hang out with him -- not be locked up in our bedroom bored and alone while he hung out with the toddler. So I get why his wife isn't taking him up on those options.

Agree that if you could swing a babysitter, I'd just do it for the six months until she goes back to work (but make it contingent on her going back to work sooner than expected). That said, I resent the people on here who are all "10 hours of babysitter isn't going to blow your budget!" Even in low COL communities, you're probably paying $10 an hour, so $100 a week, so $5000 a year. OP makes $90k, which means probably $60k after tax. $5000 is like 9% of their aftertax income. That's an insane amount of money to act is like no big deal. I'd get her four hours a week during one morning that she can either sleep, read, go to the doctor or get her hair cut etc.

And don't have more kids and get her back to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PPs are being unnecessarily hard on OP.

While I generally agree with people who hate the terms dads use like "babysitting" their own kids, I think OP's use of giving his wife a break was totally inoffensive here. How else to frame it? For the sake of devil's advocate, let's assume OP is a superstar dad who full time watches the kid Saturday and Sunday from 9am to 6pm. I think it would still be totally appropriate to say he is motivated to do that in order to "give his wife a break". The term just isn't offensive here, and doesn't denote that he's a lazy bad dad.

OP's wife sounds like she's not cut out for sahm. She even said she's dying to get back to work. Agree she should definitely only have one kid. She should also go back to work pronto - don't wait until age 3. I speak as the parent of a pretty demanding special needs kid who worked part time from home for the first 3 years -- it's not THAT overwhelming. You definitely need to go to the mom's morning out or library things or otherwise you will literally go crazy not talking to other people. If a sahm is depressed because she's bored and lonely at home BUT ALSO refuses to go to those classes, that tells me they are chemically depressed and/or just not a good fit for this job. It sounds like she really just hates it.

All that said, I'm sympathetic with the wife's feelings about both wanting to be home with the kid, but being bored and sad, but also not wanting to take DH up on offers to leave the house or have alone time while he takes over. I remember being bored and sad, and my DH would say "go get a mani pedi for a break!" and I'd think that going to sit in a loud salon for one hour, where I have to drive there and back is not my idea of a break. I just want to be in my house and watch 16 hours of Netflix uninterrupted! And then when he was home, I wanted to hang out with him -- not be locked up in our bedroom bored and alone while he hung out with the toddler. So I get why his wife isn't taking him up on those options.

Agree that if you could swing a babysitter, I'd just do it for the six months until she goes back to work (but make it contingent on her going back to work sooner than expected). That said, I resent the people on here who are all "10 hours of babysitter isn't going to blow your budget!" Even in low COL communities, you're probably paying $10 an hour, so $100 a week, so $5000 a year. OP makes $90k, which means probably $60k after tax. $5000 is like 9% of their aftertax income. That's an insane amount of money to act is like no big deal. I'd get her four hours a week during one morning that she can either sleep, read, go to the doctor or get her hair cut etc.

And don't have more kids and get her back to work.

+ too many to count

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PPs are being unnecessarily hard on OP.

While I generally agree with people who hate the terms dads use like "babysitting" their own kids, I think OP's use of giving his wife a break was totally inoffensive here. How else to frame it? For the sake of devil's advocate, let's assume OP is a superstar dad who full time watches the kid Saturday and Sunday from 9am to 6pm. I think it would still be totally appropriate to say he is motivated to do that in order to "give his wife a break". The term just isn't offensive here, and doesn't denote that he's a lazy bad dad.

OP's wife sounds like she's not cut out for sahm. She even said she's dying to get back to work. Agree she should definitely only have one kid. She should also go back to work pronto - don't wait until age 3. I speak as the parent of a pretty demanding special needs kid who worked part time from home for the first 3 years -- it's not THAT overwhelming. You definitely need to go to the mom's morning out or library things or otherwise you will literally go crazy not talking to other people. If a sahm is depressed because she's bored and lonely at home BUT ALSO refuses to go to those classes, that tells me they are chemically depressed and/or just not a good fit for this job. It sounds like she really just hates it.

All that said, I'm sympathetic with the wife's feelings about both wanting to be home with the kid, but being bored and sad, but also not wanting to take DH up on offers to leave the house or have alone time while he takes over. I remember being bored and sad, and my DH would say "go get a mani pedi for a break!" and I'd think that going to sit in a loud salon for one hour, where I have to drive there and back is not my idea of a break. I just want to be in my house and watch 16 hours of Netflix uninterrupted! And then when he was home, I wanted to hang out with him -- not be locked up in our bedroom bored and alone while he hung out with the toddler. So I get why his wife isn't taking him up on those options.

Agree that if you could swing a babysitter, I'd just do it for the six months until she goes back to work (but make it contingent on her going back to work sooner than expected). That said, I resent the people on here who are all "10 hours of babysitter isn't going to blow your budget!" Even in low COL communities, you're probably paying $10 an hour, so $100 a week, so $5000 a year. OP makes $90k, which means probably $60k after tax. $5000 is like 9% of their aftertax income. That's an insane amount of money to act is like no big deal. I'd get her four hours a week during one morning that she can either sleep, read, go to the doctor or get her hair cut etc.

And don't have more kids and get her back to work.

OP here. Thank you. I do give her a break from the time I get home from work until whenever she wants to come back. Several months ago she will leave at 6 pm and come back at 10 pm. She went to the lobby in out condo building and read or watched tv etc. I can't leave my house for several hours right after work. I also want to relax after a long day at work. I can do that Saturday and Sunday mornings until nap time. She attends church Sundays with our toddler. She could go alone but she doesn't want to. She has plenty of free time but she won't take me up on it.

[Anonymous]

SAHM's need breaks too. It doesn't mean she's not SAHM material. That's absurd.

-SAHM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SAHM's need breaks too. It doesn't mean she's not SAHM material. That's absurd.

-SAHM

+ 1

Americans are so bizarre. All over the freaking world people understand that we need help. Being with your child 247 is not healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I want to help my wife feel less stressed but I am not sure how to go about it

Um. She wants to hire a babysitter. She's literally telling you how to go about it.

Hiring a babysitter 10 hours a week will not break the bank, and once your wife is less stressed you can work on implementing some of the other solutions.

esp since you say you do not live in the DC area. Sitters here are $12-20 an hour. other places $8-12 an hour.

why wouldn't you hire a sitter 2-3 mornings a week. BFD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SAHM's need breaks too. It doesn't mean she's not SAHM material. That's absurd.

-SAHM

She gets breaks. When the OP comes home from work or on weekends. OP says she doesn't take him up on it. The reason she's not cut out for being a sahm isn't because she is insisting on a break, but because she isn't taking the breaks or otherwise taking advantage of the resources available to her, isn't getting out of the house and generally seems very unhappy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SAHM's need breaks too. It doesn't mean she's not SAHM material. That's absurd.

-SAHM

+ 1

Americans are so bizarre. All over the freaking world people understand that we need help. Being with your child 247 is not healthy.

we don't all have 50 yo grandmas and aunties living next door.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I want to help my wife feel less stressed but I am not sure how to go about it

Um. She wants to hire a babysitter. She's literally telling you how to go about it.

Hiring a babysitter 10 hours a week will not break the bank, and once your wife is less stressed you can work on implementing some of the other solutions.

esp since you say you do not live in the DC area. Sitters here are $12-20 an hour. other places $8-12 an hour.

why wouldn't you hire a sitter 2-3 mornings a week. BFD

I was the PP who above pointed out that 10 hours a week of babysitter at $10/hour is approximately 9% of their aftertax income. So yeah, it's not unreasonable to suggest that it in fact could "break the bank".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PPs are being unnecessarily hard on OP.

While I generally agree with people who hate the terms dads use like "babysitting" their own kids, I think OP's use of giving his wife a break was totally inoffensive here. How else to frame it? For the sake of devil's advocate, let's assume OP is a superstar dad who full time watches the kid Saturday and Sunday from 9am to 6pm. I think it would still be totally appropriate to say he is motivated to do that in order to "give his wife a break". The term just isn't offensive here, and doesn't denote that he's a lazy bad dad.

OP's wife sounds like she's not cut out for sahm. She even said she's dying to get back to work. Agree she should definitely only have one kid. She should also go back to work pronto - don't wait until age 3. I speak as the parent of a pretty demanding special needs kid who worked part time from home for the first 3 years -- it's not THAT overwhelming. You definitely need to go to the mom's morning out or library things or otherwise you will literally go crazy not talking to other people. If a sahm is depressed because she's bored and lonely at home BUT ALSO refuses to go to those classes, that tells me they are chemically depressed and/or just not a good fit for this job. It sounds like she really just hates it.

All that said, I'm sympathetic with the wife's feelings about both wanting to be home with the kid, but being bored and sad, but also not wanting to take DH up on offers to leave the house or have alone time while he takes over. I remember being bored and sad, and my DH would say "go get a mani pedi for a break!" and I'd think that going to sit in a loud salon for one hour, where I have to drive there and back is not my idea of a break. I just want to be in my house and watch 16 hours of Netflix uninterrupted! And then when he was home, I wanted to hang out with him -- not be locked up in our bedroom bored and alone while he hung out with the toddler. So I get why his wife isn't taking him up on those options.

Agree that if you could swing a babysitter, I'd just do it for the six months until she goes back to work (but make it contingent on her going back to work sooner than expected). That said, I resent the people on here who are all "10 hours of babysitter isn't going to blow your budget!" Even in low COL communities, you're probably paying $10 an hour, so $100 a week, so $5000 a year. OP makes $90k, which means probably $60k after tax. $5000 is like 9% of their aftertax income. That's an insane amount of money to act is like no big deal. I'd get her four hours a week during one morning that she can either sleep, read, go to the doctor or get her hair cut etc.

And don't have more kids and get her back to work.

OP here. Thank you. I do give her a break from the time I get home from work until whenever she wants to come back. Several months ago she will leave at 6 pm and come back at 10 pm. She went to the lobby in out condo building and read or watched tv etc. I can't leave my house for several hours right after work. I also want to relax after a long day at work. I can do that Saturday and Sunday mornings until nap time. She attends church Sundays with our toddler. She could go alone but she doesn't want to. She has plenty of free time but she won't take me up on it.

When you get home from work she is dead on her feet and probably barely has the energy to do more than stare at a wall, and she feels guilty that you're up there taking care of the toddler when you're tired as well. That is not a relaxing break for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PPs are being unnecessarily hard on OP.

While I generally agree with people who hate the terms dads use like "babysitting" their own kids, I think OP's use of giving his wife a break was totally inoffensive here. How else to frame it? For the sake of devil's advocate, let's assume OP is a superstar dad who full time watches the kid Saturday and Sunday from 9am to 6pm. I think it would still be totally appropriate to say he is motivated to do that in order to "give his wife a break". The term just isn't offensive here, and doesn't denote that he's a lazy bad dad.

OP's wife sounds like she's not cut out for sahm. She even said she's dying to get back to work. Agree she should definitely only have one kid. She should also go back to work pronto - don't wait until age 3. I speak as the parent of a pretty demanding special needs kid who worked part time from home for the first 3 years -- it's not THAT overwhelming. You definitely need to go to the mom's morning out or library things or otherwise you will literally go crazy not talking to other people. If a sahm is depressed because she's bored and lonely at home BUT ALSO refuses to go to those classes, that tells me they are chemically depressed and/or just not a good fit for this job. It sounds like she really just hates it.

All that said, I'm sympathetic with the wife's feelings about both wanting to be home with the kid, but being bored and sad, but also not wanting to take DH up on offers to leave the house or have alone time while he takes over. I remember being bored and sad, and my DH would say "go get a mani pedi for a break!" and I'd think that going to sit in a loud salon for one hour, where I have to drive there and back is not my idea of a break. I just want to be in my house and watch 16 hours of Netflix uninterrupted! And then when he was home, I wanted to hang out with him -- not be locked up in our bedroom bored and alone while he hung out with the toddler. So I get why his wife isn't taking him up on those options.

Agree that if you could swing a babysitter, I'd just do it for the six months until she goes back to work (but make it contingent on her going back to work sooner than expected). That said, I resent the people on here who are all "10 hours of babysitter isn't going to blow your budget!" Even in low COL communities, you're probably paying $10 an hour, so $100 a week, so $5000 a year. OP makes $90k, which means probably $60k after tax. $5000 is like 9% of their aftertax income. That's an insane amount of money to act is like no big deal. I'd get her four hours a week during one morning that she can either sleep, read, go to the doctor or get her hair cut etc.

And don't have more kids and get her back to work.

+1 Thanks for saving me all the typing.