SIL does not like our potluck Christmas plans

[Anonymous]

Just curious — what was SIL assigned to bring? Maybe what set her off is she is put off by having to make the dish that was asked of her. It may be something she wouldn’t ever volunteer to do. Or maybe the person assigned a main dish was griping about it to her, like wondering how to travel with a huge, hot roasting pan full of meat juices and all.

Usually with a potluck, a sign up sheet is posted and people sign up for what they will make. Sounds like the discussion in the summer didn’t get to this part and OP and her SIL have differing ideas of what it means.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have hosted Christmas the last 5 years in a row. I would get some help but I did the bulk of the cooking. We talked about Christmas at a family gathering in July. I explained that I really did not want to host this year and wanted a break from cooking. My family went on especially my brother about how it was a tradition to have the holiday at my house and they would all help with the cooking. They were like just tell us what to bring and we will bring it. This was discussed in front of everyone and they shook their head yes they would each bring a dish. I started coordinating everything this week. I meant it when I said I did not want to cook. I am making the mashed potatoes and making my house available. That's it. I made a facebook invite and I went and assigned dishes for everyone to bring. Almost everyone was so positive and saying how much they were looking forward to xmas. I got a message from my SIL.

She wrote

You have hosted very formal Christmas dinners in the past and I have always enjoyed them. I am sad you decided to host this informal potluck Christmas. If I were hosting I would still make the core dinner items such as the ham, turkey, dressing, mashed potatoes and gravy, etc. You are still hosting the event and I don't think it's in very good taste to ask your guests to bring the main courses.

How do I respond to this?! I am livid right now!!

Response:
Then I guess Christmas is at your house this year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry but I kind of agree with the SIL.
It's not easy to cook a turkey and bring it at someone's house.
While it's pleasant to bring something to share the burden, it shouldn't be the core dishes.

When I have guests coming over and they ask what they can bring I ask for either : "nothing" if I've made everything or maybe just wine or bread or the desert. I'd never ask for the main dish.

Then don't
And if you do not like the way other people are setting up their meals, hosting, having people stay at their house then stay your ass at home.

[Anonymous]

SILs are bitchy by virtue of women hating other women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was it possible that this was a misunderstanding? I mean, when your family said they would help, maybe they thought bring the rolls and other side dishes of thier choice. So that your SIL was reacting to (1) you not making the main part of the meal and (2) you assigning dishes.

Her response was still rude. You told everyone that you did not want to host, they insisted and everyone agreed to help.

I woukd respond back, that maybe she misunderstood when you were talking about this in June, but you were clear that ypu did not want to cook. And that if she wanted to host, that would be wonderful.

This was my thought. When you said potluck and you're tired of cooking I thought Jane brings roles and veggies, John and Diane bring all the apps, Mom & Dad bring the wine, etc while you -the host - have the main dish and the basic condiments, dishes, paperware, etc .

Are you expecting someone to lug a ham/turkey or whatever tbe main meal is to your house? To reheat?

Is everyone local?

OP wasn’t expecting anything. She said she didn’t want to cook anything and the family insisted and said they’d bring all the food. How is OP at fault?

Because the "I don't want to cook" phrase us subjective. Op meant it literally. Her SIL (and me when I first read the post) took it as everyone needs to bring a side/app/wine/dessert so op just has to deal with the main dish.
It can be interrupted a different way even after a family discussion especially since everyone agreed to pitch in...pitch in by bringing the sides.

Did Op delegate who was responsible for bringing the main dish?

Wench did you read the OP at f*** all???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand how you feel. I’d perhaps reply to suggest that as she feels strongly about this, it would be best if she host the family dinner. Then she can prepare things as she wishes and maybe CC the rest of the family. I share your feelings about the holiday dinners; I’ve hosted for most holidays over the last 20 years. I don’t want to do it any more; in fact I’ve come to dread the holidays as all I do is clean, shop, cook and then clean up again afterwards. No one else is stepping up, but I’m done. I want to relax and enjoy some old movies, bake cookies and chill so I can enjoy them too. It’s unfair to put the burden on the same person over and over, she’s out of line.

+1

I'm so with you! I want a holiday without chapped hands. And, I married outside my faith so I have twice the number of holidays I should, and twice the opportunity to work my butt off for ungrateful people.

As an aside, I wore gloves this Thanksgiving for almost the entire prep of the meal. For the first time ever, my hands didn't nearly disintegrate, and I didn't use a whole tube of hand cream that evening/next day. Seriously, try it. I bought a box of medical latex gloves, and changed them a lot or washed, but kept my hands dry and out of the line of fire.

[Anonymous]

OP here,

I am 30, brother 34 (SIL is 33), and sister is 22. My parents are in their late 50's. We all live within 10 miles of each other. Bringing a turkey or ham over is not a big deal at all. My sister might cook the turkey and gravy at my house which is just fine. I will be in the living room with a glass of wine. I did not directly ask SIL to bring anything. I assigned my brother to bring pies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

I am 30, brother 34 (SIL is 33), and sister is 22. My parents are in their late 50's. We all live within 10 miles of each other. Bringing a turkey or ham over is not a big deal at all. My sister might cook the turkey and gravy at my house which is just fine. I will be in the living room with a glass of wine. I did not directly ask SIL to bring anything. I assigned my brother to bring pies.

Focus on the "formal" part of her note.

"Dear SIL, don't worry about the formal part, I've got that covered - we'll use china and crystal. Look forward to tasting your delicious food!"

[Anonymous]

Glad it is working out, and glad your brother responded appropriately. I bet it will work out fine for this year.

Please find a way to make it clear that you will not be even hosting next year. This is so not worth it. Hugs to you.

(Be mindful of the power of the considered pause. When someone brings up next year, pause, hold just a second more than comfortable, then a quiet and friendly "I don't think we'll be hosting next year. But we are looking forward to coming, wherever it is!")

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

I am 30, brother 34 (SIL is 33), and sister is 22. My parents are in their late 50's. We all live within 10 miles of each other. Bringing a turkey or ham over is not a big deal at all. My sister might cook the turkey and gravy at my house which is just fine. I will be in the living room with a glass of wine. I did not directly ask SIL to bring anything. I assigned my brother to bring pies.

So, the problem is solved then?

Sister is lugging over a turkey.
Brother and SIL are bringing dessert.
I assume parents are bringing side dishes.
OP - providing wine (assuming this b/c she's drinking it)

So, now this whole potluck corundum is no longer an issue after 6 pages of advice, right?

[Anonymous]

You have hosted very formal Christmas dinners in the past and I have always enjoyed them. I am sad you decided to host this informal potluck Christmas. If I were hosting I would still make the core dinner items such as the ham, turkey, dressing, mashed potatoes and gravy, etc. You are still hosting the event and I don't think it's in very good taste to ask your guests to bring the main courses.

High light this. Well you are not hosting. You can host next year and I will send you a written critique ...because I will not be doing anything but showing up and eating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand how you feel. I’d perhaps reply to suggest that as she feels strongly about this, it would be best if she host the family dinner. Then she can prepare things as she wishes and maybe CC the rest of the family. I share your feelings about the holiday dinners; I’ve hosted for most holidays over the last 20 years. I don’t want to do it any more; in fact I’ve come to dread the holidays as all I do is clean, shop, cook and then clean up again afterwards. No one else is stepping up, but I’m done. I want to relax and enjoy some old movies, bake cookies and chill so I can enjoy them too. It’s unfair to put the burden on the same person over and over, she’s out of line.

+1

I'm so with you! I want a holiday without chapped hands. And, I married outside my faith so I have twice the number of holidays I should, and twice the opportunity to work my butt off for ungrateful people.

As an aside, I wore gloves this Thanksgiving for almost the entire prep of the meal. For the first time ever, my hands didn't nearly disintegrate, and I didn't use a whole tube of hand cream that evening/next day. Seriously, try it. I bought a box of medical latex gloves, and changed them a lot or washed, but kept my hands dry and out of the line of fire.

Thanks. As long as you can drink with gloves on, great idea!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just curious — what was SIL assigned to bring? Maybe what set her off is she is put off by having to make the dish that was asked of her. It may be something she wouldn’t ever volunteer to do. Or maybe the person assigned a main dish was griping about it to her, like wondering how to travel with a huge, hot roasting pan full of meat juices and all.

Usually with a potluck, a sign up sheet is posted and people sign up for what they will make. Sounds like the discussion in the summer didn’t get to this part and OP and her SIL have differing ideas of what it means.

I think OP said that B/SIL are bringing dessert. SIL doesn't even have to cook the main course, she just thinks that OP should be making it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

I am 30, brother 34 (SIL is 33), and sister is 22. My parents are in their late 50's. We all live within 10 miles of each other. Bringing a turkey or ham over is not a big deal at all. My sister might cook the turkey and gravy at my house which is just fine. I will be in the living room with a glass of wine. I did not directly ask SIL to bring anything. I assigned my brother to bring pies.

So, the problem is solved then?

Sister is lugging over a turkey.
Brother and SIL are bringing dessert.
I assume parents are bringing side dishes.
OP - providing wine (assuming this b/c she's drinking it)

So, now this whole potluck corundum is no longer an issue after 6 pages of advice, right?

Umm no. The SIL complained AFTER all of this was arranged.

[Anonymous]

WOW what a bitch! Ignore.