SIL does not like our potluck Christmas plans

[Anonymous]

OP here,

Thank you for your responses. I was so upset last night I really wanted to put her on blast. I took a screenshot of her message and texted it to my brother/her husband. I told him he needed to handle it before I said something I would regret. What I really wanted to do was screen shot the message and post it on FB for everyone in the group to see. For my brothers sake I won't. He responded right away and said how sorry he was and that SIL was totally out of line and he would handle it. I responded that I did not want to hear one word out of her mouth unless it was an apology. He replied that he does not know what has gotten into her but he will make sure I don't have to deal with her. I am more than ok with that.

For the record back in July I could not have made it more clear I would not be responsible for the cooking. There was no room for misunderstanding. Everyone shook their head in agreement. There have been no complaints from anyone else. My sister offered to make the turkey and gravy. I assigned my dad to make the ham and brother to bring the pies. He could get them frozen from the grocery store for all I care. It's not like SIL is being put out and has to slave over a hot stove for 2 days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How about cater?

If SIL had piped up in the summer and said-"so nice of OP to let us use her home again, but please let me and DH order and pay for catering" this would be a completely different thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

Thank you for your responses. I was so upset last night I really wanted to put her on blast. I took a screenshot of her message and texted it to my brother/her husband. I told him he needed to handle it before I said something I would regret. What I really wanted to do was screen shot the message and post it on FB for everyone in the group to see. For my brothers sake I won't. He responded right away and said how sorry he was and that SIL was totally out of line and he would handle it. I responded that I did not want to hear one word out of her mouth unless it was an apology. He replied that he does not know what has gotten into her but he will make sure I don't have to deal with her. I am more than ok with that.

For the record back in July I could not have made it more clear I would not be responsible for the cooking. There was no room for misunderstanding. Everyone shook their head in agreement. There have been no complaints from anyone else. My sister offered to make the turkey and gravy. I assigned my dad to make the ham and brother to bring the pies. He could get them frozen from the grocery store for all I care. It's not like SIL is being put out and has to slave over a hot stove for 2 days.

OP, I'm glad your brother is stepping up. I think telling him to deal with it, rather than replying to the SIL, was the right approach. Hopefully, SIL isn't normally a jerk like this and this is just a one-off weird holiday bee in her bonnet.

[Anonymous]

Good for you, OP, and I hope you have a wonderful time with your family. I'm more confrontational, and I would have instantly replied to your SIL with the following:

I completely agree with you, SIL. Formal meals are much nicer than potlucks! As I made it clear last summer, I am done cooking and I'm simply providing my house as the location. If you wish to host the family for a formal meal, please let me know when and I'll bring a bottle of wine as a thank you for all your hard work.

Good luck not dumping your potatoes on her head!

[Anonymous]

I don't know why SIL is acting like this. We are not friends and have had prior disagreements but she has never been this outright rude. I know she loves my house and has a thing for formal dinners. I was thinking instead of bringing out the china this year we should just use paper plates and plastic cutlery. Make it a true potluck. lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

Thank you for your responses. I was so upset last night I really wanted to put her on blast. I took a screenshot of her message and texted it to my brother/her husband. I told him he needed to handle it before I said something I would regret. What I really wanted to do was screen shot the message and post it on FB for everyone in the group to see. For my brothers sake I won't. He responded right away and said how sorry he was and that SIL was totally out of line and he would handle it. I responded that I did not want to hear one word out of her mouth unless it was an apology. He replied that he does not know what has gotten into her but he will make sure I don't have to deal with her. I am more than ok with that.

For the record back in July I could not have made it more clear I would not be responsible for the cooking. There was no room for misunderstanding. Everyone shook their head in agreement. There have been no complaints from anyone else. My sister offered to make the turkey and gravy. I assigned my dad to make the ham and brother to bring the pies. He could get them frozen from the grocery store for all I care. It's not like SIL is being put out and has to slave over a hot stove for 2 days.

That's a little harsh. I would have gone with "let's not ever talk about this again". But I realize your SIL may tend toward jerkiness in general and need more rigorous treatment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know why SIL is acting like this. We are not friends and have had prior disagreements but she has never been this outright rude. I know she loves my house and has a thing for formal dinners. I was thinking instead of bringing out the china this year we should just use paper plates and plastic cutlery. Make it a true potluck. lol

I suspect she's really attached to the nice dinner at your house, is stressed about other holiday/life stuff, but instead of writing the email and then checking herself and realizing she SHOULD NOT SEND, she pressed the button. Hopefully she will respond with a heartfelt apology and you can all move on-and she can host next year.

[Anonymous]

The only thing you did wrong was assigned people dishes - let them pick what they want to bring. And who cares what your SIL thinks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

Thank you for your responses. I was so upset last night I really wanted to put her on blast. I took a screenshot of her message and texted it to my brother/her husband. I told him he needed to handle it before I said something I would regret. What I really wanted to do was screen shot the message and post it on FB for everyone in the group to see. For my brothers sake I won't. He responded right away and said how sorry he was and that SIL was totally out of line and he would handle it. I responded that I did not want to hear one word out of her mouth unless it was an apology. He replied that he does not know what has gotten into her but he will make sure I don't have to deal with her. I am more than ok with that.

For the record back in July I could not have made it more clear I would not be responsible for the cooking. There was no room for misunderstanding. Everyone shook their head in agreement. There have been no complaints from anyone else. My sister offered to make the turkey and gravy. I assigned my dad to make the ham and brother to bring the pies. He could get them frozen from the grocery store for all I care. It's not like SIL is being put out and has to slave over a hot stove for 2 days.

That's a little harsh. I would have gone with "let's not ever talk about this again". But I realize your SIL may tend toward jerkiness in general and need more rigorous treatment.

Not harsh, IMO (NP)
OP has opened her home and taken on the burden of hosting, year after year. Potluck aside, she is STILL taking on the burden, while still making mashed potatoes and whatever. Hosting involves cleaning, prep, schedule changes, etc. And cleaning and repairing again, long after everyone else is all snug in their beds, potluck dish in the dishwasher already. It’s fine when you are appreciated for hosting, less so when you are “expected” to do it.
OP is 100% is the right, and does deserve an apology and a thank you for hosting all these years, and continuing to open her home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

Thank you for your responses. I was so upset last night I really wanted to put her on blast. I took a screenshot of her message and texted it to my brother/her husband. I told him he needed to handle it before I said something I would regret. What I really wanted to do was screen shot the message and post it on FB for everyone in the group to see. For my brothers sake I won't. He responded right away and said how sorry he was and that SIL was totally out of line and he would handle it. I responded that I did not want to hear one word out of her mouth unless it was an apology. He replied that he does not know what has gotten into her but he will make sure I don't have to deal with her. I am more than ok with that.

For the record back in July I could not have made it more clear I would not be responsible for the cooking. There was no room for misunderstanding. Everyone shook their head in agreement. There have been no complaints from anyone else. My sister offered to make the turkey and gravy. I assigned my dad to make the ham and brother to bring the pies. He could get them frozen from the grocery store for all I care. It's not like SIL is being put out and has to slave over a hot stove for 2 days.

That's a little harsh. I would have gone with "let's not ever talk about this again". But I realize your SIL may tend toward jerkiness in general and need more rigorous treatment.

Not harsh, IMO (NP)
OP has opened her home and taken on the burden of hosting, year after year. Potluck aside, she is STILL taking on the burden, while still making mashed potatoes and whatever. Hosting involves cleaning, prep, schedule changes, etc. And cleaning and repairing again, long after everyone else is all snug in their beds, potluck dish in the dishwasher already. It’s fine when you are appreciated for hosting, less so when you are “expected” to do it.
OP is 100% is the right, and does deserve an apology and a thank you for hosting all these years, and continuing to open her home.

Oh I agree. My point is that for long-term relationships sometimes it's best to scale back the response the person deserves to get.

[Anonymous]

I completely understand why you’re so upset and I don’t blame you at all for wanting to abdicate all that work this year. I also agree with SIL that traditionally the host will provide the main course such as the ham OR turkey. It was dumb of her not to speak up month ago if it meant that much to her. I hope the dinner goes well and you all have lots of fun sharing the holiday together.

My only question is how old are all of the people involved? I’m picturing SIL in her 60s having lost her filter, but you mentioned your dad bringing the ham and i don’t envision an 85 yr old cooking a ham and driving around with it...so how old is SIL? Just curious.

[Anonymous]

I usually am not a fan of potlucks either but for family I think we can all agree that it’s an exception. Not tacky at all.

[Anonymous]

icky family

[Anonymous]

For the record, I brought a turkey breast (cooked at home) to a Thanksgiving dinner this year. Someone else was in charge of slicing. If it's not too long of a driving distance, it is very doable.

Dishes at a potluck need to be organized or you will end up with too many potatoes and no veggies. Please OP, let us know how the meal/day goes and if you will do it again next year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I usually am not a fan of potlucks either but for family I think we can all agree that it’s an exception. Not tacky at all.

Nope. And it can still be "formal". Not sure what the problem is there. A variety of sourced food dumped in the kitchen can still be put together and presented formally in the dining room! Good for you OP. You handled it perfectly.