SIL does not like our potluck Christmas plans

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was it possible that this was a misunderstanding? I mean, when your family said they would help, maybe they thought bring the rolls and other side dishes of thier choice. So that your SIL was reacting to (1) you not making the main part of the meal and (2) you assigning dishes.

Her response was still rude. You told everyone that you did not want to host, they insisted and everyone agreed to help.

I woukd respond back, that maybe she misunderstood when you were talking about this in June, but you were clear that ypu did not want to cook. And that if she wanted to host, that would be wonderful.

This was my thought. When you said potluck and you're tired of cooking I thought Jane brings roles and veggies, John and Diane bring all the apps, Mom & Dad bring the wine, etc while you -the host - have the main dish and the basic condiments, dishes, paperware, etc .

Are you expecting someone to lug a ham/turkey or whatever tbe main meal is to your house? To reheat?

Is everyone local?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was it possible that this was a misunderstanding? I mean, when your family said they would help, maybe they thought bring the rolls and other side dishes of thier choice. So that your SIL was reacting to (1) you not making the main part of the meal and (2) you assigning dishes.

Her response was still rude. You told everyone that you did not want to host, they insisted and everyone agreed to help.

I woukd respond back, that maybe she misunderstood when you were talking about this in June, but you were clear that ypu did not want to cook. And that if she wanted to host, that would be wonderful.

This was my thought. When you said potluck and you're tired of cooking I thought Jane brings roles and veggies, John and Diane bring all the apps, Mom & Dad bring the wine, etc while you -the host - have the main dish and the basic condiments, dishes, paperware, etc .

Are you expecting someone to lug a ham/turkey or whatever tbe main meal is to your house? To reheat?

Is everyone local?

OP wasn’t expecting anything. She said she didn’t want to cook anything and the family insisted and said they’d bring all the food. How is OP at fault?

[Anonymous]

Kudos to you OP for hosting 5 years in a row and I can see why you'd want a break but....

Are you trying to recreate the same traditional meal by having someone cook a turkey/ham at their house and then bring it to yours? That sounds like a huge PITA. Guests usually travel with the sides and the host makes the main dish, but I don't agree with your SIL that you should do all those dishes she listed but it's a huge PITA for guests to travel with a ham or a turkey. Why not just pick ham or turkey and call it a day. Throwing either of those in the oven isn't really anymore difficult than making mashed potatoes, which you can leave to someone else.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry but I kind of agree with the SIL.
It's not easy to cook a turkey and bring it at someone's house.
While it's pleasant to bring something to share the burden, it shouldn't be the core dishes.

When I have guests coming over and they ask what they can bring I ask for either : "nothing" if I've made everything or maybe just wine or bread or the desert. I'd never ask for the main dish.

[Anonymous]

Three words for PP- “Honey Baked Ham” - it’s not hard to bring core items and it sounds like OP gave out assignments so she wouldn’t end up
with a hodgepodge. People really have no idea the time and effort it takes to put these things together, not to mention the cost. And you probably make it all look so effortless. I would respond: “I love the formal dinners too, but I just don’t have ithe energy to pull it all together this year. You may not appreciate all the effort that goes into it, and if potluck is not your style, let’s plan for you to host the formal dinner next year.”

[Anonymous]

Ignore. Ignore. Ignore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you rock.

I wouldn't respond until a few days have passed.

Then I'd say I'm sorry this doesn't work for you, but a formal dinner means I don't get to spend any time with anyone, and that's what Christmas is about. If you want to host next year, I'm happy to pass on the torch. Love, sis.

All of this, especially the part about what Christmas is really about.
OP—please share how you choose to respond.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry but I kind of agree with the SIL.
It's not easy to cook a turkey and bring it at someone's house.
While it's pleasant to bring something to share the burden, it shouldn't be the core dishes.

When I have guests coming over and they ask what they can bring I ask for either : "nothing" if I've made everything or maybe just wine or bread or the desert. I'd never ask for the main dish.

As a person who hosted for more than a decade before losing my shit, I respectfully say you missed the point.

OP was as clear as a bell many months ago that it wasn't working for her. You are certainly correct that their actual meal will suffer, but who cares?

Thanksgiving at my house changed a few years back when I stopped doing the heavy lifting.
A) food isn't as good
B) everyone has more fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry but I kind of agree with the SIL.
It's not easy to cook a turkey and bring it at someone's house.
While it's pleasant to bring something to share the burden, it shouldn't be the core dishes.

When I have guests coming over and they ask what they can bring I ask for either : "nothing" if I've made everything or maybe just wine or bread or the desert. I'd never ask for the main dish.

If someone tells you they don't want to host, it's rude to insist that they do, but the OP was willing to compromise.

[Anonymous]

I would ask what time dinner is at her house and we'll be there with the mashed potatoes.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand the advice to ignore. So much on the holidays here is about festering, passive aggression, being doormats, no boundaries, etc. since this was brother's doing, this at least needs to be aired out to him.

And SIL was so judgy, I wouldn't be able to keep a reaction to that under wraps. Air it now, or in a Jerry Springer way after a glass of wine. Heh.

[Anonymous]

Don't agree w/ SIL sending you a comment, but as the host I make the main dish and ask everyone else to bring sides.

[Anonymous]

How about cater?

[Anonymous]

OP, please update. I'm on your team and want to see how you win this battle!

[Anonymous]

I would reply and cc her husband and say "did you two discuss this?"