How to make peace with your lot in life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My goal as a child was to escape my backwater state and work on cool science/engineering (like every kid wanted to be in astronaut)

I achieved both my dreams, but never really thought about making money, and now we struggle b/c engineering generally pays just okay and not enough for SAH and UMC life in DC metro. So even though living my dream, I see the gaps in what I aspired too.

In short, it's clear for most of us, our childhood selves knew squat. Why are you lamenting not living up to that idiots dreams?

Wait, if your dream was to be an engineer, why does it matter that you can't SAH?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do think we were sent many flawed messages, but I also think it's up to us to deal with the outcomes. I too had the mother who said I would be anything I wanted, the teachers gushing over my work, the assemblies with the awards and the teachers saying we were the best and brightest and would change the world. Of course no one said that maybe parenthood wouldn't work out too well if both parents worked 12 hour days. Nobody said that we might graduate with PhDs at the top of our fields into a market where absolutely no one was hiring. Nobody said that we might have to just chuck our careers entirely to move to a new place so our spouse could get a job to pay the mortgage. Of course no one said all of this because it's frankly uninspiring stuff. But still, I'm raising my kids to consider both work and family success in their futures. For both boys and girls, I'm raising them to consider what kind of lifestyle their jobs will entail, and what kind of flexibility. Whether or not they grow up to have kids, they should know that life is more than lots of work for lots of money.

+1 Gen Xer here. My mom put so much pressure on me to achieve and be a doctor/lawyer/whatever because "When I was growing up, women could only be teachers, nurses, or secretaries." So I spent $$ on grad school and ended up a SAHM b/c that's what I wanted to be and I should have just listened to my heart and not her. I also wanted to be a teacher, but that wasn't okay because I needed to be more than "just a teacher". I could have been a teacher for years before SAHMing instead of grad school and that would have been so much better for so many reasons. Ugh.


I am trying to raise my DD with no expectations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was one of those people whom everyone said would grow up to kick ass one day. I had a brief taste of that after college when I quickly rose through the ranks at work. The money was more than I'd seen in my life or in the ten years since. I wasn't happy though. I was married to the woman of my dreams and miserable day in and out. I quit to find something that would make me happy and be more fulfilling.

It was a grueling task. The first job after didn't work out. Within two years, I filed bankruptcy and had all of those signs of success taken away. By the time we got divorced, I found myself feeling like a fool. Unhappiness at a great paying job was better than what I was feeling at the time. Then my kid's doctor gave us some bad news. Then I found myself trying to bribe God. My health in exchange for my kid's. Maybe it worked. My kid was cleared and then I was given bad news. I spent a lot of time trying to soak up as many moments with my two year old as possible knowing that she probably wouldn't remember me when I was gone.

I sat in the oncology department thinking about how great bankruptcy was compared to cancer. Then the doctor told me that there was a mixup with my file and that I was fine. It's been five years since that day, and I haven't complained about my lot in life since. I'm not "at peace" with it; I'm damned grateful for it.

Did you sue the doctor or hospital?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do think we were sent many flawed messages, but I also think it's up to us to deal with the outcomes. I too had the mother who said I would be anything I wanted, the teachers gushing over my work, the assemblies with the awards and the teachers saying we were the best and brightest and would change the world. Of course no one said that maybe parenthood wouldn't work out too well if both parents worked 12 hour days. Nobody said that we might graduate with PhDs at the top of our fields into a market where absolutely no one was hiring. Nobody said that we might have to just chuck our careers entirely to move to a new place so our spouse could get a job to pay the mortgage. Of course no one said all of this because it's frankly uninspiring stuff. But still, I'm raising my kids to consider both work and family success in their futures. For both boys and girls, I'm raising them to consider what kind of lifestyle their jobs will entail, and what kind of flexibility. Whether or not they grow up to have kids, they should know that life is more than lots of work for lots of money.

+1 Gen Xer here. My mom put so much pressure on me to achieve and be a doctor/lawyer/whatever because "When I was growing up, women could only be teachers, nurses, or secretaries." So I spent $$ on grad school and ended up a SAHM b/c that's what I wanted to be and I should have just listened to my heart and not her. I also wanted to be a teacher, but that wasn't okay because I needed to be more than "just a teacher". I could have been a teacher for years before SAHMing instead of grad school and that would have been so much better for so many reasons. Ugh.




I am trying to raise my DD with no expectations.

Yep I got to live the life my mother really would have wanted. I also got to figure out that women in the foreign service end up single unless they quit their jobs. I got to figure out how hard it was to work full-time and have young children. I went to a women's college and was also told that I could do anything. The funny thing is that now when I read my colleges alumni magazine I see a lot of people living rather ordinary lives

[Anonymous]

I've never? cared about anything like that. I have always wanted to do my own thing in life, I'm a wanderer, an adventurer?, I desire experience more than anything else, and that's what I've done. I now have a life-threatening illness so every day I try to live life to the fullest because I do not know how many years I have left, but I'll enjoy the hell out of every bit of time I have. It all depends on your attitude. If you're not happy, change your life.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need a gratitude journal and to volunteer for people who wish their lives were ordinary instead of horrible. Pray often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do think we were sent many flawed messages, but I also think it's up to us to deal with the outcomes. I too had the mother who said I would be anything I wanted, the teachers gushing over my work, the assemblies with the awards and the teachers saying we were the best and brightest and would change the world. Of course no one said that maybe parenthood wouldn't work out too well if both parents worked 12 hour days. Nobody said that we might graduate with PhDs at the top of our fields into a market where absolutely no one was hiring. Nobody said that we might have to just chuck our careers entirely to move to a new place so our spouse could get a job to pay the mortgage. Of course no one said all of this because it's frankly uninspiring stuff. But still, I'm raising my kids to consider both work and family success in their futures. For both boys and girls, I'm raising them to consider what kind of lifestyle their jobs will entail, and what kind of flexibility. Whether or not they grow up to have kids, they should know that life is more than lots of work for lots of money.

+1 Gen Xer here. My mom put so much pressure on me to achieve and be a doctor/lawyer/whatever because "When I was growing up, women could only be teachers, nurses, or secretaries." So I spent $$ on grad school and ended up a SAHM b/c that's what I wanted to be and I should have just listened to my heart and not her. I also wanted to be a teacher, but that wasn't okay because I needed to be more than "just a teacher". I could have been a teacher for years before SAHMing instead of grad school and that would have been so much better for so many reasons. Ugh.


I am trying to raise my DD with no expectations.

I'm really glad my parents pushed me to be a professional. You can always SAH, but no one can take away your grad school education.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do think we were sent many flawed messages, but I also think it's up to us to deal with the outcomes. I too had the mother who said I would be anything I wanted, the teachers gushing over my work, the assemblies with the awards and the teachers saying we were the best and brightest and would change the world. Of course no one said that maybe parenthood wouldn't work out too well if both parents worked 12 hour days. Nobody said that we might graduate with PhDs at the top of our fields into a market where absolutely no one was hiring. Nobody said that we might have to just chuck our careers entirely to move to a new place so our spouse could get a job to pay the mortgage. Of course no one said all of this because it's frankly uninspiring stuff. But still, I'm raising my kids to consider both work and family success in their futures. For both boys and girls, I'm raising them to consider what kind of lifestyle their jobs will entail, and what kind of flexibility. Whether or not they grow up to have kids, they should know that life is more than lots of work for lots of money.

+1 Gen Xer here. My mom put so much pressure on me to achieve and be a doctor/lawyer/whatever because "When I was growing up, women could only be teachers, nurses, or secretaries." So I spent $$ on grad school and ended up a SAHM b/c that's what I wanted to be and I should have just listened to my heart and not her. I also wanted to be a teacher, but that wasn't okay because I needed to be more than "just a teacher". I could have been a teacher for years before SAHMing instead of grad school and that would have been so much better for so many reasons. Ugh.


I am trying to raise my DD with no expectations.

I'm really glad my parents pushed me to be a professional. You can always SAH, but no one can take away your grad school education.

Why would anyone want to?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I blame the Internet and social media for the angst we all feel. We suffer from information overload. We feel like we have to know it all, do it all, enjoy it all. It's just too much pressure.

I'm a GenXer and I treasure the years before the Internet took over our lives. We lived face-to-face, had real conversations, and didn't live in constant competition with our Facebook "friends".

I feel sorry for my kids. They'll never know the pleasure of a simpler time. Life today is incredibly stressful, competitive, and superficial.

I completely agree about this (substantial) downside to social media. People post what they want people to see, and then other people feel bad because it seems like everyone else's lives are so great. I am actually really worried about how it will affect my children when they are teenagers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was one of those people whom everyone said would grow up to kick ass one day. I had a brief taste of that after college when I quickly rose through the ranks at work. The money was more than I'd seen in my life or in the ten years since. I wasn't happy though. I was married to the woman of my dreams and miserable day in and out. I quit to find something that would make me happy and be more fulfilling.

It was a grueling task. The first job after didn't work out. Within two years, I filed bankruptcy and had all of those signs of success taken away. By the time we got divorced, I found myself feeling like a fool. Unhappiness at a great paying job was better than what I was feeling at the time. Then my kid's doctor gave us some bad news. Then I found myself trying to bribe God. My health in exchange for my kid's. Maybe it worked. My kid was cleared and then I was given bad news. I spent a lot of time trying to soak up as many moments with my two year old as possible knowing that she probably wouldn't remember me when I was gone.

I sat in the oncology department thinking about how great bankruptcy was compared to cancer. Then the doctor told me that there was a mixup with my file and that I was fine. It's been five years since that day, and I haven't complained about my lot in life since. I'm not "at peace" with it; I'm damned grateful for it.

That's an amazing story, pp! Have you thought about writing it up and getting it published somewhere?