How to make peace with your lot in life

[Anonymous]

I don't want to dismiss the feelings so many have expressed here, but a life judged on the accumulation of things and awards will never feel like enough. You need to figure out what's meaningful to your life and DO THAT. Service to others (your family, your community, etc) is key to finding your life "just right".

[Anonymous]

I was one of those people whom everyone said would grow up to kick ass one day. I had a brief taste of that after college when I quickly rose through the ranks at work. The money was more than I'd seen in my life or in the ten years since. I wasn't happy though. I was married to the woman of my dreams and miserable day in and out. I quit to find something that would make me happy and be more fulfilling.

It was a grueling task. The first job after didn't work out. Within two years, I filed bankruptcy and had all of those signs of success taken away. By the time we got divorced, I found myself feeling like a fool. Unhappiness at a great paying job was better than what I was feeling at the time. Then my kid's doctor gave us some bad news. Then I found myself trying to bribe God. My health in exchange for my kid's. Maybe it worked. My kid was cleared and then I was given bad news. I spent a lot of time trying to soak up as many moments with my two year old as possible knowing that she probably wouldn't remember me when I was gone.

I sat in the oncology department thinking about how great bankruptcy was compared to cancer. Then the doctor told me that there was a mixup with my file and that I was fine. It's been five years since that day, and I haven't complained about my lot in life since. I'm not "at peace" with it; I'm damned grateful for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Weird! You have to be a millennial. I don't mean that as a pejorative but rather you were told all those things. I am a GenXer and was told the best I could hope for was an Associates degree from a Community College and a job as a secretary. My parents expected me to go to college but the details were up to me.

I think it is really damaging to "oversell" life. We all can't be rockstars. Most of life is really boring. My DH is well known in his field and has been on a magazine cover but he hates his job. Jobs are usually boring!! Whether you're a big shot or a worker bee. Being an adult isn't sexy and exciting most of the time. Sorry. You need to find something that makes you happy. Travel? Art? Parties? Hiking? And do it. Life is what you make it.

Really? I'm Gen-X and was not told that. I was told that women are more equal and the world was my oyster, so to speak. Of course it is not. Some very big disappointments, for sure. But, in other ways, I've developed other priorities. And I try to tune everything else out (hard). Someone (don't know if it was on here or elsewhere) said that "comparison is a thief of joy" and it is so true.

[Anonymous]

OP, "ordinary" is ok. I'd rather have "ordinary" than sad or "too much drama." Most of the people I know have fairly ordinary lives, but decent ones. Some travel a lot, but that's a choice they make, sometimes in lieu of having kids or spending on other things.

I'd like to be dating an average guy; I haven't dated at all in a long time. (single motherhood in your 40's is not always compatible with having a line of guys out the door looking to date you.)

[Anonymous]

You wanted to be a dr, did you go to medical school? That's the first step

[Anonymous]

HAHAHA at the PP with the "ordinary" UMC life and 600k HHI. You MUST be peeling the price tag off of your $6 bread.

I'd consider my life ordinary by local standards as well, but I get out enough to know how fucking privileged I truly am. OP, that boring middle manager job, education, and your general health and wellness mean you are sitting at the tippy-top of Mt. Maslow with nothing left to do but ruminate. THE WORLD IS AT YOUR FEET. Don't like it? Do something!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Weird! You have to be a millennial. I don't mean that as a pejorative but rather you were told all those things. I am a GenXer and was told the best I could hope for was an Associates degree from a Community College and a job as a secretary. My parents expected me to go to college but the details were up to me.

I think it is really damaging to "oversell" life. We all can't be rockstars. Most of life is really boring. My DH is well known in his field and has been on a magazine cover but he hates his job. Jobs are usually boring!! Whether you're a big shot or a worker bee. Being an adult isn't sexy and exciting most of the time. Sorry. You need to find something that makes you happy. Travel? Art? Parties? Hiking? And do it. Life is what you make it.

Good point. I'm a baby boomer and as a woman it was a struggle to try most careers. Few role models or mentors and always struggling with doubt because I was a woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't want to dismiss the feelings so many have expressed here, but a life judged on the accumulation of things and awards will never feel like enough. You need to figure out what's meaningful to your life and DO THAT. Service to others (your family, your community, etc) is key to finding your life "just right".

Pp is right. Also, I had severe career disappointment about 15 years ago and it took me a long time to recover emotionally. What really helped was living in a low-income neighborhood and every time I felt sorry for myself I remembered my neighbors who were cashiers, security guards, janitors or who had no jobs at all and I reminded myself that they would be happy to have my problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up LMC (father was a mechanic, mother a waitress). Sometimes we didn't have enough to eat. I guess the good thing about that was that my expectations weren't too high. We have a very nice UMC lifestyle now (income in the 600k range) and I am very happy with it.

$600k HHI is not UMC, it is just rich.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Weird! You have to be a millennial. I don't mean that as a pejorative but rather you were told all those things. I am a GenXer and was told the best I could hope for was an Associates degree from a Community College and a job as a secretary. My parents expected me to go to college but the details were up to me.

I think it is really damaging to "oversell" life. We all can't be rockstars. Most of life is really boring. My DH is well known in his field and has been on a magazine cover but he hates his job. Jobs are usually boring!! Whether you're a big shot or a worker bee. Being an adult isn't sexy and exciting most of the time. Sorry. You need to find something that makes you happy. Travel? Art? Parties? Hiking? And do it. Life is what you make it.

I agree with your assessment here. I am a somewhat older millennial (30). I have a degree from a good school, I have a nice job that pays very well, I own a house, don't want for much, etc. I have the life I dreamed of when I was younger! And yet it seems like - maybe because of social media? - everyone is always doing more, being more. I think it's just this sense of missing out on something but we don't know what or why. I struggle with it, honestly.

There's an episode of the Hidden Brain podcast examining the effect that social media has on our satisfaction with our lives. I think it validates your struggle.

When it comes to our lives on social media...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd consider my life ordinary by local standards as well, but I get out enough to know how fucking privileged I truly am. OP, that boring middle manager job, education, and your general health and wellness mean you are sitting at the tippy-top of Mt. Maslow with nothing left to do but ruminate. THE WORLD IS AT YOUR FEET. Don't like it? Do something!

+1000

It's like Macy Gray says, "Get up, get up & do something. Don't let your whole life pass you by!" I had a health scare last week & am trying to focus myself on being appreciative for what I have -- my health, my flexible job, my healthy family (husband who's also had health scares + my 2 lucky typically developing kids), our high HHI relative to the rest of the country & certainly the world, and the fact that I feel good about what I do. I could list off some negatives but I'm going to try not to do that as much anymore. I love my family so very much -- and I feel so grateful that my nuclear family (not my family of origin, necessarily) is healthy and able to grow & pursue their passions. Myself included. If I feel like I'm not living up to my potential at 47, I have time to change the script.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I totally understand what you are saying. As a child everyone had such high expectations for me. I was smart, got great grades, and was told I would be very successful in life.

Now I recently turned 40, have struggled with secondary infertility for years (had one child easily then could not have a second), and never had much of a career. I work part-time and SAH part-time, and make $15 per hour in a job that just requires a Bachelor's degree. My parents are embarassed of me, both about the secondary infertility and about my complete lack of a career. I never lived up to their expectations (never became a doctor like they wanted (and I also wanted). I view my life as a series of failures. At least I have a stable, happy marriage (15 years), live in a beautiful, well decorated home, and a wonderful, healthy child. But other than that my life is a series of failures.

I graduated high school with honors and went to an Ivy college. Had too much fun in college, decided to drop pre-med, and studied abroad a lot, also had fun dating. I graduated with honors, and took a year off, where I waitressed and had fun living in a new city.

Then went to law school (which my parents pushed me into, I did not want to become a lawyer but they insisted). I hated every minute of law school, but graduated with honors. Ended up working a series of underpaid non-legal jobs after for a few years. Got fired once from one of those jobs. Failed the bar exam twice (never ended up passing). Got diagnosed with ADHD (which explains a lot about my lack of focus and inability to choose a career path for years). Never made more than $30 K. In my late 20s I decided I did want to be a doctor after all. I did a post-bacc pre-med program (taking all the science classes, got As), and then took the MCAT twice. Applied to 25 med schools. Got in nowhere. Re-applied a second time after re-taking the MCAT. Got in nowhere. My self-esteem was totally crushed.

In my early 30s I went back to school for a master's in another field that seemed like the best fit given that I did not want to be a lawyer and that I could not get into med school. Worked in that field for a few years, then got pregnant and had a very rough pregnancy with hyperemesis gravidarum, so I resigned from that job. Had my child. Was a SAHM until my child was 2, then took a part-time job not relating to my field, where I make $15 per hour. Love the job, have been there 4 years now, but it's not career-oriented. Now that I can't have a second child I am going to go back to work soon in the field I got a master's in and work full-time for a few years, as I really liked that field. It's not prestigious or high-powered, but I do like it and it's a good fit.

Anyhow, as you can see, my life is one big failure. Everyone, including myself, had such high expectations for me. But what I've realized is that I think this is true for many people. Many people had high expectations for themselves and then life happened, and they had to change directions/paths for whatever reason. It's the rare person who had a goal and followed that goal exactly, and ended up exactly where they thought they would be.

I'm kinda flabbergasted by this post and wonder if you're being sarcastic.

You've got a life filled with options, new paths, new destinations and yes, success.

I think your big fail is going through all that and still believing you have to live up to someone else's expectations. Law school should have been the first hint. You obviously excel at getting grades, so it's a blessing you didn't get into med school.

You also still have the opportunity to figure out how expectations can send a person off in the wrong direction and correct that mistake with the child you have. Let him/her observe you working toward something that you've finally realized is a good fit. Teach him/her gratitude for options and the freedom to fail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I totally understand what you are saying. As a child everyone had such high expectations for me. I was smart, got great grades, and was told I would be very successful in life.

Now I recently turned 40, have struggled with secondary infertility for years (had one child easily then could not have a second), and never had much of a career. I work part-time and SAH part-time, and make $15 per hour in a job that just requires a Bachelor's degree. My parents are embarassed of me, both about the secondary infertility and about my complete lack of a career. I never lived up to their expectations (never became a doctor like they wanted (and I also wanted). I view my life as a series of failures. At least I have a stable, happy marriage (15 years), live in a beautiful, well decorated home, and a wonderful, healthy child. But other than that my life is a series of failures.

I graduated high school with honors and went to an Ivy college. Had too much fun in college, decided to drop pre-med, and studied abroad a lot, also had fun dating. I graduated with honors, and took a year off, where I waitressed and had fun living in a new city.

Then went to law school (which my parents pushed me into, I did not want to become a lawyer but they insisted). I hated every minute of law school, but graduated with honors. Ended up working a series of underpaid non-legal jobs after for a few years. Got fired once from one of those jobs. Failed the bar exam twice (never ended up passing). Got diagnosed with ADHD (which explains a lot about my lack of focus and inability to choose a career path for years). Never made more than $30 K. In my late 20s I decided I did want to be a doctor after all. I did a post-bacc pre-med program (taking all the science classes, got As), and then took the MCAT twice. Applied to 25 med schools. Got in nowhere. Re-applied a second time after re-taking the MCAT. Got in nowhere. My self-esteem was totally crushed.

In my early 30s I went back to school for a master's in another field that seemed like the best fit given that I did not want to be a lawyer and that I could not get into med school. Worked in that field for a few years, then got pregnant and had a very rough pregnancy with hyperemesis gravidarum, so I resigned from that job. Had my child. Was a SAHM until my child was 2, then took a part-time job not relating to my field, where I make $15 per hour. Love the job, have been there 4 years now, but it's not career-oriented. Now that I can't have a second child I am going to go back to work soon in the field I got a master's in and work full-time for a few years, as I really liked that field. It's not prestigious or high-powered, but I do like it and it's a good fit.

Anyhow, as you can see, my life is one big failure. Everyone, including myself, had such high expectations for me. But what I've realized is that I think this is true for many people. Many people had high expectations for themselves and then life happened, and they had to change directions/paths for whatever reason. It's the rare person who had a goal and followed that goal exactly, and ended up exactly where they thought they would be.

I wish that we could be friends! Your life sounds an awful lot like mine!

[Anonymous]

I do think we were sent many flawed messages, but I also think it's up to us to deal with the outcomes. I too had the mother who said I would be anything I wanted, the teachers gushing over my work, the assemblies with the awards and the teachers saying we were the best and brightest and would change the world. Of course no one said that maybe parenthood wouldn't work out too well if both parents worked 12 hour days. Nobody said that we might graduate with PhDs at the top of our fields into a market where absolutely no one was hiring. Nobody said that we might have to just chuck our careers entirely to move to a new place so our spouse could get a job to pay the mortgage. Of course no one said all of this because it's frankly uninspiring stuff. But still, I'm raising my kids to consider both work and family success in their futures. For both boys and girls, I'm raising them to consider what kind of lifestyle their jobs will entail, and what kind of flexibility. Whether or not they grow up to have kids, they should know that life is more than lots of work for lots of money.

[Anonymous]

I am so, so thankful for the life I have. I almost lost it a few years ago due to some very poor decisions I made. But it made me realize how fragile life is and to appreciate every moment. Is my life perfect? Heck no. But I choose to focus on the positives and what I can change rather than ruminating on the negatives. And honestly since I made this change in my life, everything has gotten better, even the negative stuff is bearable. So my suggestion would be to appreciate what you have and enjoy, and work on a plan to change what you don't enjoy. It may not be easy but it will be worth it.