Why Is It Acceptable To Highlight The Cost Of My Kid's School?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think people want to know how others who seem similarly-situated to them are handling the cost of college. They are fishing for you to explain whether you're paying our of your savings, whether you got aid, whether your kid is taking out loans, etc. Same with ppl who fish for how much your house cost or what kind of deal you got on your car.

I agree that it feels kind of rude to me - I generally get uncomfortable discussing finances with anyone other than DH or (sometimes) my parents. But lots of ppl don't feel that way.

Did somebody actually ask the OP to discuss finances. It does not seem so, it just a comment. Ugh! College is expensive.

"discussing" ... would be how much do you make after taxes, are you paying full freight, how do you do that

Nobody is discussing it, they are just lamenting the insane cost of college.

It sounded to me like they were making the comment in response to hearing what school OP's kid is at. E.g., remarking that OP's kid's school, in particular, sounded expensive. That is different from a statement that college in general is expensive.

Fair enough, but all the privates and most out-of-state Big State U's are expensive. Tell me one that is not.

Sure, agree. But I still think a statement like that is fishing for some kind of response about how OP is handling the expense. If someone said that to me, I would feel like I had to respond with some kind of explanation, like oh we got lucky that our financial aid was pretty good, but there's still a lot of costs involved (or a joke, like "maybe he'll pay me back eventually"! or "beans and rice for us for the next few years!")

[Anonymous]

We have one kid at big OOS state school (under $40,000, all in) and one at a private (probably closer to $70,000, all in). We'd say the OOS state school is not so expensive. People comment on the cost of both, but really I think it's more about them than us (when they realize, yikes, we won't/can't pay that kind of $$$ for college).

[Anonymous]

To the "so expensive!" people, I will sometimes say nothing, or something vague like "oh, it was Larlas dream school" or less often, "we told him if he could get into "top 25 school" we'd find a way to get him there.

[Anonymous]

USNWR???

And we are supposed to know what that means?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:USNWR???

And we are supposed to know what that means?

On this board, yes. You are supposed to know what that means.

"US News and World Report"

They publish the most popular college ranking

[Anonymous]

US News and World Report

EVERYONE KNOWS THAT

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People ask where my kid is going to school this fall. It's a top-10 USNWR school, so when I tell them, the response is either:

1) Congrats!
2) Wow, that's expensive.

Why is #2 a socially acceptable response?

If somebody tells you where they live or the car they drive, would you respond "that's expensive"?

To be honest, all the people who have said this to me are nice folks. They aren't jerks...which makes the response even more puzzling.

Thoughts? All snark welcome.

It's pretty obvious that you are looking for things to get offended.

Nobody except DCUM, and your kids first employer, care about where you or your kid went to school.

All the DCUM nerds bragging about their education reminds me of the high school football star bragging about the "big game" 20 years after they graduated!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think people want to know how others who seem similarly-situated to them are handling the cost of college. They are fishing for you to explain whether you're paying our of your savings, whether you got aid, whether your kid is taking out loans, etc. Same with ppl who fish for how much your house cost or what kind of deal you got on your car.

I agree that it feels kind of rude to me - I generally get uncomfortable discussing finances with anyone other than DH or (sometimes) my parents. But lots of ppl don't feel that way.

Did somebody actually ask the OP to discuss finances. It does not seem so, it just a comment. Ugh! College is expensive.

"discussing" ... would be how much do you make after taxes, are you paying full freight, how do you do that

Nobody is discussing it, they are just lamenting the insane cost of college.

It sounded to me like they were making the comment in response to hearing what school OP's kid is at. E.g., remarking that OP's kid's school, in particular, sounded expensive. That is different from a statement that college in general is expensive.

That is what she is inferring because she thinks anybody cares that it is top 10 or 25 or whatever she said in the original post. All colleges are expensive, not just the one her child is going to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think people want to know how others who seem similarly-situated to them are handling the cost of college. They are fishing for you to explain whether you're paying our of your savings, whether you got aid, whether your kid is taking out loans, etc. Same with ppl who fish for how much your house cost or what kind of deal you got on your car.

I agree that it feels kind of rude to me - I generally get uncomfortable discussing finances with anyone other than DH or (sometimes) my parents. But lots of ppl don't feel that way.

Did somebody actually ask the OP to discuss finances. It does not seem so, it just a comment. Ugh! College is expensive.

"discussing" ... would be how much do you make after taxes, are you paying full freight, how do you do that

Nobody is discussing it, they are just lamenting the insane cost of college.

It sounded to me like they were making the comment in response to hearing what school OP's kid is at. E.g., remarking that OP's kid's school, in particular, sounded expensive. That is different from a statement that college in general is expensive.

Fair enough, but all the privates and most out-of-state Big State U's are expensive. Tell me one that is not.

Exactly Penn St. is expensive.

[Anonymous]

It really is no one else's business OP. Seems like there are a lot of cows on DCUM who have no manners. Raised in a barn, I suppose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It really is no one else's business OP. Seems like there are a lot of cows on DCUM who have no manners. Raised in a barn, I suppose.

As mentioned, we all know the price of the schools;no one asked her how much she is paying.
"Wow, that's expensive" is just an excited utterance. I'd cut them some slack since it's a 100% true statement, and really all that controversial among the people I know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It really is no one else's business OP. Seems like there are a lot of cows on DCUM who have no manners. Raised in a barn, I suppose.

As mentioned, we all know the price of the schools;no one asked her how much she is paying.
"Wow, that's expensive" is just an excited utterance. I'd cut them some slack since it's a 100% true statement, and really all that controversial among the people I know.

should be: not all that controversial

[Anonymous]

I would just take it as idle conversation UNLESS they try to go in detail about how you saved for college. Just agree and move on!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People ask where my kid is going to school this fall. It's a top-10 USNWR school, so when I tell them, the response is either:

1) Congrats!
2) Wow, that's expensive.

Why is #2 a socially acceptable response?

If somebody tells you where they live or the car they drive, would you respond "that's expensive"?

To be honest, all the people who have said this to me are nice folks. They aren't jerks...which makes the response even more puzzling.

Thoughts? All snark welcome.

are you afraid to answer?
Do you not want to tell them you're getting financial aid?
Or are you reluctant to tell them you need any financial aid?

I mean these schools are costing 65K +. For most people it is a big issue.

OP here. You ask if I'm afraid to answer...when somebody says "that's expensive", that isn't a question...it's just fishing for a response. To be honest, if somebody asked me any of the questions you list, I would answer.

??? Saying "that's expensive" is like saying the sun comes up in the east. We all know that.
Is your problem that they're making an obvious point? A little confused.

NP. The problem is that it's simply tacky and rude to blurt about the cost of, well, anything. I do agree with the PP who notes that her DH (and others) sometimes just say things like this without thinking and editing before it jumps out of their mouths, and don't intend to be rude. But those with a filter need to use it when something obviously expensive like college is the subject of discussion.

If I mention that my kid does extracurricular activity X, it's impolite for someone to say, "Oh, those fees must add up!" Or if a friend mentions he's going on a trip overseas, it would be rude and rather weird for my comment to be, "That's expensive" instead of "What do you hope to see?" And so on. What people pay for things is not up for discussion unless it is the actual point of the discussion, like when friends are comparing prices because they're both in the market for a certain type of item. But OP is referring to reactions to the initial news about where her kid will go -- OP isn't referring to discussions about financial aid or tuition payment options.

OP here. Totally agree. If somebody tells you about a car or house or anything else where somebody has made the choice to spend more $$$ than usual, the response "that's expensive" would be considered impolite. And yet people (who I still consider to be nice, polite individuals) have no problem saying "that's expensive" in response to a college. I don't think they would feel as free to make a similar comment about someone's house, car, etc. The fact that it's college somehow removes the inhibitions. I find that interesting.

Give it a rest already! Be happy that you can afford to send your kid to an expensive school, agree with their comment and move on..

Thank you Mr. Internet Tough Guy! Where would we be without you?

Anytime babe!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It really is no one else's business OP. Seems like there are a lot of cows on DCUM who have no manners. Raised in a barn, I suppose.

As mentioned, we all know the price of the schools;no one asked her how much she is paying.
"Wow, that's expensive" is just an excited utterance. I'd cut them some slack since it's a 100% true statement, and really all that controversial among the people I know.

It's an "excited utterance" that's rude. Adults should have better filters than that.

Maybe it's just OP and me, but growing up I was taught that it's impolite to comment on the costs of things.

Do you also think it's OK to ask OP in four years' time what her DC's starting salary will be, when she mentions her new college graduate got a job?