Why Is It Acceptable To Highlight The Cost Of My Kid's School?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People ask where my kid is going to school this fall. It's a top-10 USNWR school, so when I tell them, the response is either:

1) Congrats!
2) Wow, that's expensive.

Why is #2 a socially acceptable response?

If somebody tells you where they live or the car they drive, would you respond "that's expensive"?

To be honest, all the people who have said this to me are nice folks. They aren't jerks...which makes the response even more puzzling.

Thoughts? All snark welcome.

are you afraid to answer?
Do you not want to tell them you're getting financial aid?
Or are you reluctant to tell them you need any financial aid?

I mean these schools are costing 65K +. For most people it is a big issue.

OP here. You ask if I'm afraid to answer...when somebody says "that's expensive", that isn't a question...it's just fishing for a response. To be honest, if somebody asked me any of the questions you list, I would answer.

??? Saying "that's expensive" is like saying the sun comes up in the east. We all know that.
Is your problem that they're making an obvious point? A little confused.

NP. The problem is that it's simply tacky and rude to blurt about the cost of, well, anything. I do agree with the PP who notes that her DH (and others) sometimes just say things like this without thinking and editing before it jumps out of their mouths, and don't intend to be rude. But those with a filter need to use it when something obviously expensive like college is the subject of discussion.

If I mention that my kid does extracurricular activity X, it's impolite for someone to say, "Oh, those fees must add up!" Or if a friend mentions he's going on a trip overseas, it would be rude and rather weird for my comment to be, "That's expensive" instead of "What do you hope to see?" And so on. What people pay for things is not up for discussion unless it is the actual point of the discussion, like when friends are comparing prices because they're both in the market for a certain type of item. But OP is referring to reactions to the initial news about where her kid will go -- OP isn't referring to discussions about financial aid or tuition payment options.

OP here. Totally agree. If somebody tells you about a car or house or anything else where somebody has made the choice to spend more $$$ than usual, the response "that's expensive" would be considered impolite. And yet people (who I still consider to be nice, polite individuals) have no problem saying "that's expensive" in response to a college. I don't think they would feel as free to make a similar comment about someone's house, car, etc. The fact that it's college somehow removes the inhibitions. I find that interesting.

But they do, actually, say similar things about cars (ooh, so fancy!). With colleges, people know the price. It seems unremarkable to me as a comment, and what's odd is that you seem to be bothered. Why?

OP here. From my limited experience, those other examples of people commenting about high cost seem rare. Those kind of comments seem remarkable to me, but perhaps I just need to get out more. If I felt people were constantly commenting on the cost of the things I buy, the comment about college wouldn't phase me.

[Anonymous]

Can you tell us how u got the money from Ivies w such income? I am in the same boat but with twins. But we have not received any $$!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People ask where my kid is going to school this fall. It's a top-10 USNWR school, so when I tell them, the response is either:

1) Congrats!
2) Wow, that's expensive.

Why is #2 a socially acceptable response?

If somebody tells you where they live or the car they drive, would you respond "that's expensive"?

To be honest, all the people who have said this to me are nice folks. They aren't jerks...which makes the response even more puzzling.

Thoughts? All snark welcome.

are you afraid to answer?
Do you not want to tell them you're getting financial aid?
Or are you reluctant to tell them you need any financial aid?

I mean these schools are costing 65K +. For most people it is a big issue.

OP here. You ask if I'm afraid to answer...when somebody says "that's expensive", that isn't a question...it's just fishing for a response. To be honest, if somebody asked me any of the questions you list, I would answer.

??? Saying "that's expensive" is like saying the sun comes up in the east. We all know that.
Is your problem that they're making an obvious point? A little confused.

NP. The problem is that it's simply tacky and rude to blurt about the cost of, well, anything. I do agree with the PP who notes that her DH (and others) sometimes just say things like this without thinking and editing before it jumps out of their mouths, and don't intend to be rude. But those with a filter need to use it when something obviously expensive like college is the subject of discussion.

If I mention that my kid does extracurricular activity X, it's impolite for someone to say, "Oh, those fees must add up!" Or if a friend mentions he's going on a trip overseas, it would be rude and rather weird for my comment to be, "That's expensive" instead of "What do you hope to see?" And so on. What people pay for things is not up for discussion unless it is the actual point of the discussion, like when friends are comparing prices because they're both in the market for a certain type of item. But OP is referring to reactions to the initial news about where her kid will go -- OP isn't referring to discussions about financial aid or tuition payment options.

OP here. Totally agree. If somebody tells you about a car or house or anything else where somebody has made the choice to spend more $$$ than usual, the response "that's expensive" would be considered impolite. And yet people (who I still consider to be nice, polite individuals) have no problem saying "that's expensive" in response to a college. I don't think they would feel as free to make a similar comment about someone's house, car, etc. The fact that it's college somehow removes the inhibitions. I find that interesting.

But they do, actually, say similar things about cars (ooh, so fancy!). With colleges, people know the price. It seems unremarkable to me as a comment, and what's odd is that you seem to be bothered. Why?

Seriously, it's innocuous small talk. OP - why are you so sensitive?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People ask where my kid is going to school this fall. It's a top-10 USNWR school, so when I tell them, the response is either:

1) Congrats!
2) Wow, that's expensive.

Why is #2 a socially acceptable response?

If somebody tells you where they live or the car they drive, would you respond "that's expensive"?

To be honest, all the people who have said this to me are nice folks. They aren't jerks...which makes the response even more puzzling.

Thoughts? All snark welcome.

are you afraid to answer?
Do you not want to tell them you're getting financial aid?
Or are you reluctant to tell them you need any financial aid?

I mean these schools are costing 65K +. For most people it is a big issue.

OP here. You ask if I'm afraid to answer...when somebody says "that's expensive", that isn't a question...it's just fishing for a response. To be honest, if somebody asked me any of the questions you list, I would answer.

??? Saying "that's expensive" is like saying the sun comes up in the east. We all know that.
Is your problem that they're making an obvious point? A little confused.

NP. The problem is that it's simply tacky and rude to blurt about the cost of, well, anything. I do agree with the PP who notes that her DH (and others) sometimes just say things like this without thinking and editing before it jumps out of their mouths, and don't intend to be rude. But those with a filter need to use it when something obviously expensive like college is the subject of discussion.

If I mention that my kid does extracurricular activity X, it's impolite for someone to say, "Oh, those fees must add up!" Or if a friend mentions he's going on a trip overseas, it would be rude and rather weird for my comment to be, "That's expensive" instead of "What do you hope to see?" And so on. What people pay for things is not up for discussion unless it is the actual point of the discussion, like when friends are comparing prices because they're both in the market for a certain type of item. But OP is referring to reactions to the initial news about where her kid will go -- OP isn't referring to discussions about financial aid or tuition payment options.

OP here. Totally agree. If somebody tells you about a car or house or anything else where somebody has made the choice to spend more $$$ than usual, the response "that's expensive" would be considered impolite. And yet people (who I still consider to be nice, polite individuals) have no problem saying "that's expensive" in response to a college. I don't think they would feel as free to make a similar comment about someone's house, car, etc. The fact that it's college somehow removes the inhibitions. I find that interesting.

But they do, actually, say similar things about cars (ooh, so fancy!). With colleges, people know the price. It seems unremarkable to me as a comment, and what's odd is that you seem to be bothered. Why?

Seriously, it's innocuous small talk. OP - why are you so sensitive?

OP here. It doesn't offend me. It confuses me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People ask where my kid is going to school this fall. It's a top-10 USNWR school, so when I tell them, the response is either:

1) Congrats!
2) Wow, that's expensive.

Why is #2 a socially acceptable response?

If somebody tells you where they live or the car they drive, would you respond "that's expensive"?

To be honest, all the people who have said this to me are nice folks. They aren't jerks...which makes the response even more puzzling.

Thoughts? All snark welcome.

are you afraid to answer?
Do you not want to tell them you're getting financial aid?
Or are you reluctant to tell them you need any financial aid?

I mean these schools are costing 65K +. For most people it is a big issue.

OP here. You ask if I'm afraid to answer...when somebody says "that's expensive", that isn't a question...it's just fishing for a response. To be honest, if somebody asked me any of the questions you list, I would answer.

??? Saying "that's expensive" is like saying the sun comes up in the east. We all know that.
Is your problem that they're making an obvious point? A little confused.

NP. The problem is that it's simply tacky and rude to blurt about the cost of, well, anything. I do agree with the PP who notes that her DH (and others) sometimes just say things like this without thinking and editing before it jumps out of their mouths, and don't intend to be rude. But those with a filter need to use it when something obviously expensive like college is the subject of discussion.

If I mention that my kid does extracurricular activity X, it's impolite for someone to say, "Oh, those fees must add up!" Or if a friend mentions he's going on a trip overseas, it would be rude and rather weird for my comment to be, "That's expensive" instead of "What do you hope to see?" And so on. What people pay for things is not up for discussion unless it is the actual point of the discussion, like when friends are comparing prices because they're both in the market for a certain type of item. But OP is referring to reactions to the initial news about where her kid will go -- OP isn't referring to discussions about financial aid or tuition payment options.

OP here. Totally agree. If somebody tells you about a car or house or anything else where somebody has made the choice to spend more $$$ than usual, the response "that's expensive" would be considered impolite. And yet people (who I still consider to be nice, polite individuals) have no problem saying "that's expensive" in response to a college. I don't think they would feel as free to make a similar comment about someone's house, car, etc. The fact that it's college somehow removes the inhibitions. I find that interesting.

But they do, actually, say similar things about cars (ooh, so fancy!). With colleges, people know the price. It seems unremarkable to me as a comment, and what's odd is that you seem to be bothered. Why?

Seriously, it's innocuous small talk. OP - why are you so sensitive?

OP here. It doesn't offend me. It confuses me.

You are easily confused.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you tell us how u got the money from Ivies w such income? I am in the same boat but with twins. But we have not received any $$!

Seems like fake news since Ivies do not give any merit aid, only need-based aid.

[Anonymous]

I know it seems impossible, but some people who are just realizing how expensive college is today. A few years ago at a cocktail party, a parent was discussing private school costs. At the time, it was around 60K. A parent (with middle school age kids) actually said, "That's the cost for 4 years, right?" This is the type of person who is making the comments the poster mentioned. They cannot fathom that people have been saving for years.

[Anonymous]

I think people want to know how others who seem similarly-situated to them are handling the cost of college. They are fishing for you to explain whether you're paying our of your savings, whether you got aid, whether your kid is taking out loans, etc. Same with ppl who fish for how much your house cost or what kind of deal you got on your car.

I agree that it feels kind of rude to me - I generally get uncomfortable discussing finances with anyone other than DH or (sometimes) my parents. But lots of ppl don't feel that way.

[Anonymous]

I don't know anybody that does not say "that is expensive".

How are the kids?
Got 2 in college
Wow that is so expensive.

When are you retiring?
Still got 1 in college.
Wow that is so expensive.


Nobody actually cares about your finances as much as you hope they do. Even Salisbury is expensive to some people.

[Anonymous]

OP here. It doesn't offend me. It confuses me.

small talk confuses you? Are you from another country.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think people want to know how others who seem similarly-situated to them are handling the cost of college. They are fishing for you to explain whether you're paying our of your savings, whether you got aid, whether your kid is taking out loans, etc. Same with ppl who fish for how much your house cost or what kind of deal you got on your car.

I agree that it feels kind of rude to me - I generally get uncomfortable discussing finances with anyone other than DH or (sometimes) my parents. But lots of ppl don't feel that way.

Did somebody actually ask the OP to discuss finances. It does not seem so, it just a comment. Ugh! College is expensive.

"discussing" ... would be how much do you make after taxes, are you paying full freight, how do you do that

Nobody is discussing it, they are just lamenting the insane cost of college.

[Anonymous]

Also, maybe they think they are giving you a chance to brag about how well you're doing. I went to an expensive law school on a full merit scholarship, and my dad (who is wealthy but not super-rich) never told anyone that I was on scholarship bc he wanted them to think he was rich enough to pay for it. Ppl reacted exactly as you described ("wow, that sounds expensive!") and he loved it and would respond with something vague about how expensive it was that left the impression he was handling it (to be fair, he WAS paying my rent, which was a big expense - but nowhere near what full tuition would have been). So maybe they think you want a chance to brag/humble-brag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think people want to know how others who seem similarly-situated to them are handling the cost of college. They are fishing for you to explain whether you're paying our of your savings, whether you got aid, whether your kid is taking out loans, etc. Same with ppl who fish for how much your house cost or what kind of deal you got on your car.

I agree that it feels kind of rude to me - I generally get uncomfortable discussing finances with anyone other than DH or (sometimes) my parents. But lots of ppl don't feel that way.

Did somebody actually ask the OP to discuss finances. It does not seem so, it just a comment. Ugh! College is expensive.

"discussing" ... would be how much do you make after taxes, are you paying full freight, how do you do that

Nobody is discussing it, they are just lamenting the insane cost of college.

It sounded to me like they were making the comment in response to hearing what school OP's kid is at. E.g., remarking that OP's kid's school, in particular, sounded expensive. That is different from a statement that college in general is expensive.

[Anonymous]

Actually, come to think of it, if my neighbor came home with a $260K car, I might very well say "Wow. Those things are Expensive!!!
Of course we know each other well enough to know he/she won't go blabbing this comment on the internet and making abig deal out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think people want to know how others who seem similarly-situated to them are handling the cost of college. They are fishing for you to explain whether you're paying our of your savings, whether you got aid, whether your kid is taking out loans, etc. Same with ppl who fish for how much your house cost or what kind of deal you got on your car.

I agree that it feels kind of rude to me - I generally get uncomfortable discussing finances with anyone other than DH or (sometimes) my parents. But lots of ppl don't feel that way.

Did somebody actually ask the OP to discuss finances. It does not seem so, it just a comment. Ugh! College is expensive.

"discussing" ... would be how much do you make after taxes, are you paying full freight, how do you do that

Nobody is discussing it, they are just lamenting the insane cost of college.

It sounded to me like they were making the comment in response to hearing what school OP's kid is at. E.g., remarking that OP's kid's school, in particular, sounded expensive. That is different from a statement that college in general is expensive.

Fair enough, but all the privates and most out-of-state Big State U's are expensive. Tell me one that is not.