Protecting money you gift adult kids for a house

[Anonymous]

Exactly. My father worked really hard and as a result created trusts for his children and grandchildren. If my spouse were to mistreat me, cheat etc you think that my spouse deserves 1/2 of the money I was entrusted with (8 digits) - money all earned and gifted before we were even dating? Wouldn't you feel terrible losing that money because you chose the wrong spouse. For our kids trusts I'm the trustee (along with our estate planner)- my husband isn't one. Why? Because people protect their money. Smart people anyway. You all are very generous with your pretend trusts- but I wonder how you would feel if that trust was an actuality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We had friends over this weekend. We were discussing how expensive housing was becoming in our city. Friend's husband said he can't imagine how our teen kids would be able to buy a home without parental help.
My friend said she is willing to help their kid with a down payment if the hypothetical future spouse signs a prenup or the house is in the parent's name or if the grooms family gifts them the same amount. I thought this was a horrible idea. She was worried money would be lost if they divorce. Seems tit for tat. As if she can demand money from his parents to equalize it.

I think when you give money like that, there is a risk. I would only gift what I am okay with losing if they divorce. When I gift it, it's not mine anymore anyway.

DH and I share everything, including inheritances. They do separate finances.

Not interested in discussing the legal aspects.

Dumb move bro.

+1

I deliberately co-mingled hundreds of thousands of dollars gifted to me by my grandparents as part of their estate planning with our marital assets, because the implicit assumptions in doing otherwise (that my wife and I would split up, that I didn't think she ought to be entitled to that money) felt deeply uncomfortable. But if we were to get divorced I don't really see how it would harm anyone for my wife to take half the money, anyway; my grandparents loved her and, at any rate, they're dead now, so they certainly won't need it back. Once you give the money, you've given it, period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce occurs ~50% - You all have life insurance right? I'm sure your death rate is not 50%, so why buy it? You're mixing emotion with reality. if you don't have a prenup you deserve to lose it.

to OP - if you're this worried about a divorce, I would give an amount you are comfortable "losing" for deposit, and gift money towards the children's college fund/private school education or to your DC directly after they are married.

Death rate is 100%.

Not good with numbers, are you?

Hopefully it's a brain trust...

[Anonymous]

Slightly different perspective here: my DH comes from a wealthy family, had significant personal assets from his own earnings, knew I had no assets and student loan debt, and did not ask me for a prenup. His parents have given him over $400K during our marriage for various significant expenses (down payment, new cars), and we have no prenup. I also got a reasonably valuable engagement family engagement ring and some other family jewelry (his family).

Not expecting to get divorced (although only married 3 yrs, together 8), but if we did divorce, I would not try to claim any of the assets DH brought into the marriage or gifts from his parents given to us during the marriage or the jewelry, because it would not be ethically right to claim them. We have children, but I make a good income (although much less than my DH), I didn't marry him for his money, and I can support myself and our kids. Granted, I couldn't afford to have us live like we do now, but we would be fine.

I don't understand people trying to get money that isn't meant for them when they get divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your friend is unusually controlling and sadly this example probably means she's that way for many other aspects of her life. Poor kids.

+1. Who does this to their kids? Holding out money to your adult children so things are done your way? Very sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Slightly different perspective here: my DH comes from a wealthy family, had significant personal assets from his own earnings, knew I had no assets and student loan debt, and did not ask me for a prenup. His parents have given him over $400K during our marriage for various significant expenses (down payment, new cars), and we have no prenup. I also got a reasonably valuable engagement family engagement ring and some other family jewelry (his family).

Not expecting to get divorced (although only married 3 yrs, together 8), but if we did divorce, I would not try to claim any of the assets DH brought into the marriage or gifts from his parents given to us during the marriage or the jewelry, because it would not be ethically right to claim them. We have children, but I make a good income (although much less than my DH), I didn't marry him for his money, and I can support myself and our kids. Granted, I couldn't afford to have us live like we do now, but we would be fine.

I don't understand people trying to get money that isn't meant for them when they get divorced.

You say that now, but if he's banging his assistant and left you in a house you cannot afford to maintain and kids you need to care for by yourself, you might be singing a different tune.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We gifted our daughter $50,000 towards a house with the understanding that this amount would be deducted before her inheritance from our estate was calculated. This was put in writing and I'm sure could be used in any divorce proceeding as a way to increase her equity in the house.

You do not seem to understand the concept of a "gift".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Slightly different perspective here: my DH comes from a wealthy family, had significant personal assets from his own earnings, knew I had no assets and student loan debt, and did not ask me for a prenup. His parents have given him over $400K during our marriage for various significant expenses (down payment, new cars), and we have no prenup. I also got a reasonably valuable engagement family engagement ring and some other family jewelry (his family).

Not expecting to get divorced (although only married 3 yrs, together 8), but if we did divorce, I would not try to claim any of the assets DH brought into the marriage or gifts from his parents given to us during the marriage or the jewelry, because it would not be ethically right to claim them. We have children, but I make a good income (although much less than my DH), I didn't marry him for his money, and I can support myself and our kids. Granted, I couldn't afford to have us live like we do now, but we would be fine.

I don't understand people trying to get money that isn't meant for them when they get divorced.

I'd love to see how you'd react if your husband suddenly started spending all of his disposable income on another woman (and family!) while married to you, especially if he turned around and told you "I don't understand why you're upset I'm spending money that isn't meant for you."

[Anonymous]

Yep! Things change quickly when spouses no longer have access to the money train.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Slightly different perspective here: my DH comes from a wealthy family, had significant personal assets from his own earnings, knew I had no assets and student loan debt, and did not ask me for a prenup. His parents have given him over $400K during our marriage for various significant expenses (down payment, new cars), and we have no prenup. I also got a reasonably valuable engagement family engagement ring and some other family jewelry (his family).

Not expecting to get divorced (although only married 3 yrs, together 8), but if we did divorce, I would not try to claim any of the assets DH brought into the marriage or gifts from his parents given to us during the marriage or the jewelry, because it would not be ethically right to claim them. We have children, but I make a good income (although much less than my DH), I didn't marry him for his money, and I can support myself and our kids. Granted, I couldn't afford to have us live like we do now, but we would be fine.

I don't understand people trying to get money that isn't meant for them when they get divorced.

Well, these situations can get complicated. Suppose the wife didn't work or didn't save to her 401k because she trusted that she would stay married and have access to those assets, and also to take care of the kids. Then her DH leaves her and the children in a scurrilous way. In that situation, getting some of the DH's pre-marriage assets would not be unethical. Another scenario could be in a divorce where he has claim to half of YOUR meager assets (like your retirement savings, which are marital assets if you saved during marriage). So he takes you to the cleaners, and meanwhile he's living high on the hog off of his prenup assets. As you can see, these scenarios is why prenups generally hurt women, rather than help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Slightly different perspective here: my DH comes from a wealthy family, had significant personal assets from his own earnings, knew I had no assets and student loan debt, and did not ask me for a prenup. His parents have given him over $400K during our marriage for various significant expenses (down payment, new cars), and we have no prenup. I also got a reasonably valuable engagement family engagement ring and some other family jewelry (his family).

Not expecting to get divorced (although only married 3 yrs, together 8), but if we did divorce, I would not try to claim any of the assets DH brought into the marriage or gifts from his parents given to us during the marriage or the jewelry, because it would not be ethically right to claim them. We have children, but I make a good income (although much less than my DH), I didn't marry him for his money, and I can support myself and our kids. Granted, I couldn't afford to have us live like we do now, but we would be fine.

I don't understand people trying to get money that isn't meant for them when they get divorced.

I'd love to see how you'd react if your husband suddenly started spending all of his disposable income on another woman (and family!) while married to you, especially if he turned around and told you "I don't understand why you're upset I'm spending money that isn't meant for you."

... and then he claims 50% of YOUR 401k in the divorce! (meanwhile leaving you with 50% of the mortgage debt.) that would be fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Slightly different perspective here: my DH comes from a wealthy family, had significant personal assets from his own earnings, knew I had no assets and student loan debt, and did not ask me for a prenup. His parents have given him over $400K during our marriage for various significant expenses (down payment, new cars), and we have no prenup. I also got a reasonably valuable engagement family engagement ring and some other family jewelry (his family).

Not expecting to get divorced (although only married 3 yrs, together 8), but if we did divorce, I would not try to claim any of the assets DH brought into the marriage or gifts from his parents given to us during the marriage or the jewelry, because it would not be ethically right to claim them. We have children, but I make a good income (although much less than my DH), I didn't marry him for his money, and I can support myself and our kids. Granted, I couldn't afford to have us live like we do now, but we would be fine.

I don't understand people trying to get money that isn't meant for them when they get divorced.

Well, these situations can get complicated. Suppose the wife didn't work or didn't save to her 401k because she trusted that she would stay married and have access to those assets, and also to take care of the kids. Then her DH leaves her and the children in a scurrilous way. In that situation, getting some of the DH's pre-marriage assets would not be unethical. Another scenario could be in a divorce where he has claim to half of YOUR meager assets (like your retirement savings, which are marital assets if you saved during marriage). So he takes you to the cleaners, and meanwhile he's living high on the hog off of his prenup assets. As you can see, these scenarios is why prenups generally hurt women, rather than help.

No, these prenups always help the person with a lot more money- that could be a woman or a man. I'd get half his 401k, savings, house value, and alimony and child support. I'd still have my premarital assets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There doesn't need to be a defense for keeping a trust separated. The law is very clear. Any spouse not willing to sign a pre nup regarding pre marital assets that they have no claim to would not be someone I would marry.

So if your wife wouldn't sign a pre nup as it relates to your non existent trust I guess the trust issues would be on her side.

Once again, not everyone places money above marriage the way you do.

By arguing that your spouse has no right to things you brought into the marriage, you've already made it clear that your priority is protecting your financial well-being above all.

You underscore that by stating you wouldn't marry anyone who didn't agree to be subservient to your bachelor(ette) bank account.

I wouldn't marry anyone who asked for any kind of prenup, never mind one involving "marital assets that they have no claim to."

Yep. When some money is separate, how do spouses make career accommodations for children and for staying in a particular location to be with the spouse? If everyone is fending for themselves financially(that is what a pre nup is, really), everyone would be looking for the highest paying job without considering how it affects the family unit.

For example, the only reason my DH and I are in the DMV area is because of his parents. We would live a very comfortable life in cheaper areas, and I will have better job opportunities elsewhere. But we chose to stay because we like to see his parents every week.

I would imagine that adjusting my career options for that proximity to his parents would be a lot more difficult if he had any money separate from mine. He came into the marriage with some assets. I didn't. But everything belongs to both of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's why people comparing 6 figure inheritances are not comparing apples to apples when talking about a large (8 digit millions) trust.

They are very different things.

Different strokes.

I would advice my children to never marry anyone with a pre nup(unless there are step children involved, and the prenup is to provide for them). I don't care how much money is involved. Let them find others who don't need one.

What's next? Would you marry someone with epilepsy and sign a prenup regarding life expectancy and care? After all, they came into the marriage with a disease and potential liability.

[Anonymous]

Gift letter. My parents gifted to me solely the down payment of our house. When I got divorced, I was able to keep that