Does anyone have any experience in naming the other woman in the divorce proceedings?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Then I suppose the threat of publicity is my best strategy.

Maybe, but if you're too angry/vengeful, it could boomerang, and you're now portrayed as the vengeful ex, and your STBX and his new lover the couple that just want to provide their child a stable, loving home.

Remember, he'll be able to hit back at you, too.

There's nothing to hit me back WITH, I'm not the one who had the child outside of marriage and kept it quiet for years, diverting marital resources to support the child conceived outside of marriage.

Nothing to hit back with? How about the assurance that you won't go public if he agrees to your demands.

No judge gives a f*ck about a child born outside the marriage. It doesn't change his relationship with his child.

The judge in my divorce cared. So you never know. Court is a crapshoot. And you don't know what you're talking about. Please don't give any more advice to OP because you don't know what your'e talking about.

The judges cared? As in, you were given sole custody? I find that difficult to relive.

[Anonymous]

Believe*

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What state? The only benefit I can se is in some states - in Maryland with proof of adultery, the waiting period for divorce is not as long. In VA there may - may - be some level of benefits for you in terms of custody/alimony.

But these are legal strategies and you should consult a lawyer. The level of roof you have may not be enough, it may have no positive benefit to you, etc. you need legal advice.

Find some money and go have a legal consult or two. Learn what's likely to happen and how to best make it happen. You may not want this to be a contentious divorce at all, you might learn you want to avoid court altogether and negotiate this out.

This is in VA. Yes, I am planning to talk to counsel next week. I don't want a contentious divorce but I want to arm myself with every possible strategy to secure myself and my children financially.

So you don't want a contentious divorce, but your opening salvo is to threaten blackmail unless you get pretty much everything. That is the best way to wind up with a contentious divorce. PP who made a reasonable offer coupled with silence probably got her friendly-ish divorce, but you won't with that approach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes OP. Just the threat of naming her was enough to get my ex to sign the papers I presented him with. Now, they were very fair papers. 50/50 on everything except, I wanted more control of custody and visitation. I got it.

That's the sort of effect I'm looking for. I want sole custody, transferring the house to my name only, child support and full waiver of his claims to any of my assets. I'm the breadwinner. In exchange for this, I could offer liberal visitation and preserving his good name, which is important to him.

Hi OP,
We thought this would work in my case, but it failed. I think we waited too long to act, and the shame sort of wore off. If you do it, do it fast.

Threaten to depose her too.

And threaten discovery, especially if you're the breadwinner because he probably can't afford a $200k divorce.

Are your assets premarital have them never been mingled with your marital ones? If so, don't worry about them.

It sounds like you can easily get what you want if he's a rational person. You're not asking for anything crazy. I would suggest coming up with a pretty stringent visitation schedule - and be willing to compromise a bit on it so he feels like he's getting more than he really is. He sounds like an awful person. I'm sorry.

Bad idea. As the breadwinner, OP can be made to pay his legal costs so that he has adequate representation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Then I suppose the threat of publicity is my best strategy.

Maybe, but if you're too angry/vengeful, it could boomerang, and you're now portrayed as the vengeful ex, and your STBX and his new lover the couple that just want to provide their child a stable, loving home.

Remember, he'll be able to hit back at you, too.

There's nothing to hit me back WITH, I'm not the one who had the child outside of marriage and kept it quiet for years, diverting marital resources to support the child conceived outside of marriage.

Nothing to hit back with? How about the assurance that you won't go public if he agrees to your demands.

No judge gives a f*ck about a child born outside the marriage. It doesn't change his relationship with his child.

The judge in my divorce cared. So you never know. Court is a crapshoot. And you don't know what you're talking about. Please don't give any more advice to OP because you don't know what your'e talking about.

The judges cared? As in, you were given sole custody? I find that difficult to relive.

I just saw this. No, I was given primary physical custody, and my three kids live with me more than 2/3 of the time. I have primary legal custody, which has been really important.

It's not just adultery, but all the other things that came along with it - like terrible judgement. Like having an out of wedlock baby while married to someone else, and then not spending time with the original kids - or siphoning off marital assets for the baby. That sort of thing.

So yes, the judge cared. I know several women who have similar custody arrangements because a judge cared.

Everyone assumes 50-50 is a given, but I would say that half of the women I know have their kids around 2/3 of the time. Their exes get other weekend and one weeknight.

Court is a crapshoot. You never know and should never make any assumptions. It's terrifying, but sometimes things really do work out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes OP. Just the threat of naming her was enough to get my ex to sign the papers I presented him with. Now, they were very fair papers. 50/50 on everything except, I wanted more control of custody and visitation. I got it.

That's the sort of effect I'm looking for. I want sole custody, transferring the house to my name only, child support and full waiver of his claims to any of my assets. I'm the breadwinner. In exchange for this, I could offer liberal visitation and preserving his good name, which is important to him.

Good luck with that - sole custody? Unlikely.

I know it's unlikely but none of them want publicity. It will literally be ruinous for them. The bet is that he will agree to it to avoid a shitbath.

NP. What are you waiting for? File and extract every last bit you can from him.

[Anonymous]

My mother got sole custody of my youngest sibling (the only minor at the time), the fully paid-off house, two-thirds of the 401k, and generous alimony for 10 years over my father's infidelity that resulted in a child.

It was all worked out among them and their lawyers before they went before the judge and the judge rubberstamped their settlement after ensuring my father understood what he was agreeing to. All that was left for the court to handle was child support.

Like you, my parents and I come from a very traditional culture in which face saving is important. OP, go get your money and extract every last concession out of him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes OP. Just the threat of naming her was enough to get my ex to sign the papers I presented him with. Now, they were very fair papers. 50/50 on everything except, I wanted more control of custody and visitation. I got it.

That's the sort of effect I'm looking for. I want sole custody, transferring the house to my name only, child support and full waiver of his claims to any of my assets. I'm the breadwinner. In exchange for this, I could offer liberal visitation and preserving his good name, which is important to him.

Did you miss PP's statement that she offered fair/reasonable papers that her husband signed. You are looking for something very different.

If you are the breadwinner, why do you think you will get child support from him? If anything, HE will get child support from YOU (If you share custody)

[Anonymous]

Go for it OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes OP. Just the threat of naming her was enough to get my ex to sign the papers I presented him with. Now, they were very fair papers. 50/50 on everything except, I wanted more control of custody and visitation. I got it.

That's the sort of effect I'm looking for. I want sole custody, transferring the house to my name only, child support and full waiver of his claims to any of my assets. I'm the breadwinner. In exchange for this, I could offer liberal visitation and preserving his good name, which is important to him.

Did you miss PP's statement that she offered fair/reasonable papers that her husband signed. You are looking for something very different.

If you are the breadwinner, why do you think you will get child support from him? If anything, HE will get child support from YOU (If you share custody)

Well, this is the deal she wants to cut with him. Also, if she has sole custody, he should provide child support, not her. The children will live with her.

It's hard to believe that a married man who wants to preserve his good name would have an out-of-wedlock baby. What an idiot. OP, good luck! I hope you get good legal counsel to help you with these hard questions.

[Anonymous]

Grab him by the balls and crush them. Yes!!!!