How did you get over your AP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I couldn't get over him. I tried lost a ton of weight. We left our spouses.

And lived happily ever after?

One hopes. Somebody should be happy.

are you together, are you engaged, are you living together... if not his wife kicked him out and he is using you until he can find better.

We're together. We will be moving in together ( I'm relocating).
I have just met his parents, I'm sure he's using me. We are very happy with eachother. I left an abusive rapist and he left a psychopath.

[Anonymous]

I haven't cheated but my husband has. He clearly had the OW on some sort of fantasy pedestal. I wonder if why it's so hard for some of you to get over your APs is because of that fantasy. It was an escape from whatever you perceived to be your marital issues. This other person was exciting because that's what it's like in the beginning of good relationships. I remember the rush of new love. It seems consuming. And in many relationships the love can turn into something more comforting and IMO profound, but it doesn't have that urgent factor. It seems like the entire setup of an affair is conducive to keeping the excitement and rush alive.

Anyway, while it's invigorating for the cheaters, it's beyond devastating for the spouse. I think the first thing you should do to get over an AP is to not see him/her. So get a new job or figure out ways to improve your life that don't involve betrayal. If your spouse is in fact a terrible person, then do the honorable thing and leave first, and then find your bliss. FWIW, I think self-reflection after an affair can be very profound for a cheater if you take responsibility and really try to figure out why that was your coping mechanism. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven't cheated but my husband has. He clearly had the OW on some sort of fantasy pedestal. I wonder if why it's so hard for some of you to get over your APs is because of that fantasy. It was an escape from whatever you perceived to be your marital issues. This other person was exciting because that's what it's like in the beginning of good relationships. I remember the rush of new love. It seems consuming. And in many relationships the love can turn into something more comforting and IMO profound, but it doesn't have that urgent factor. It seems like the entire setup of an affair is conducive to keeping the excitement and rush alive.

Anyway, while it's invigorating for the cheaters, it's beyond devastating for the spouse. I think the first thing you should do to get over an AP is to not see him/her. So get a new job or figure out ways to improve your life that don't involve betrayal. If your spouse is in fact a terrible person, then do the honorable thing and leave first, and then find your bliss. FWIW, I think self-reflection after an affair can be very profound for a cheater if you take responsibility and really try to figure out why that was your coping mechanism. Good luck.

I was/am the " ow". I agree with all of this. I feel awful about the way we met. When he left his wife I began therapy. It feels shitty to one day tell our kids how we met.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't cheated but my husband has. He clearly had the OW on some sort of fantasy pedestal. I wonder if why it's so hard for some of you to get over your APs is because of that fantasy. It was an escape from whatever you perceived to be your marital issues. This other person was exciting because that's what it's like in the beginning of good relationships. I remember the rush of new love. It seems consuming. And in many relationships the love can turn into something more comforting and IMO profound, but it doesn't have that urgent factor. It seems like the entire setup of an affair is conducive to keeping the excitement and rush alive.

Anyway, while it's invigorating for the cheaters, it's beyond devastating for the spouse. I think the first thing you should do to get over an AP is to not see him/her. So get a new job or figure out ways to improve your life that don't involve betrayal. If your spouse is in fact a terrible person, then do the honorable thing and leave first, and then find your bliss. FWIW, I think self-reflection after an affair can be very profound for a cheater if you take responsibility and really try to figure out why that was your coping mechanism. Good luck.

I was/am the " ow". I agree with all of this. I feel awful about the way we met. When he left his wife I began therapy. It feels shitty to one day tell our kids how we met.

It will also feel shitty to tell your kids how their dad cheated on you. Because if he cheated *with* you then you can bet your ass he will cheat *on* you once you become the new normal and boring...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are not alone in your devastation.

Everyone thinks affairs are just about sex. They may start that way. But if it becomes more, and you can't take it further...it haunts you forever.

GMAFB, You act like you are the only one to have to break up with a SO. Almost everybody has a SO and they love them but break up. It's not some huge deal. People date, they break up, it sucks, ... NORMAL PEOPLE move on... people with mental issues imagine their relationship was something it wasn't and ponder it for weeks, months, years.

ALL DATING IS ABOUT SEX... and then sometimes you end up having feelings.... even 16yo's know this.

You have affairs because there is something wrong with you and you can't move on because there is something wrong with you.

You are mental, get some help.

Dating isn't always about sex. It may be initially, but when you fall for a person sometimes it's hard to ignore what could be. If you've never experienced that in your life then I can't explain it. There will always be a place in my heart especially for them.

You are an emotional cripple, you need therapy.

OMG! Yes dating is about sex and then sometime you fall for a person. It happens all the time this is not new or something novel. The problem is YOU never experienced it before your AP. Why ... why is that... why is nobody interested in you except this one person. There is something seriously wrong with you, that is why. That is why your AP does not want you any more.

Fix yourself and then you can find this in somebody in a healthy way.

I have a special place in my heart for my BF in college, and the dude I had as a FWB all my 20's and my BF in HS and a few others. That is normal. SO WHAT! This is not some huge thing others don't experience. Go find somebody else to date and fall in love with, there is a whole world out there.

First off, I was not the PP you originally quoted. Secondly, my post was not describing an AP. Thirdly, you forgot to take your meds this morning.

Yea, I'm the one that need meds.

Yes dating is always about sex, if there is no sex it's just friends.

If you fall for a person and it ends it sucks. Yes, we get it. AP or not an AP it is not different, why act like it is some cosmic different relationship. It isn't. You are not talking about an AP but the thread is titled 'how did you get over your AP" ... here is how... date somebody else... preferably somebody that is not married. #mindblown

Actually there is a huge difference. If you can't see that you are an idiot

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't cheated but my husband has. He clearly had the OW on some sort of fantasy pedestal. I wonder if why it's so hard for some of you to get over your APs is because of that fantasy. It was an escape from whatever you perceived to be your marital issues. This other person was exciting because that's what it's like in the beginning of good relationships. I remember the rush of new love. It seems consuming. And in many relationships the love can turn into something more comforting and IMO profound, but it doesn't have that urgent factor. It seems like the entire setup of an affair is conducive to keeping the excitement and rush alive.

Anyway, while it's invigorating for the cheaters, it's beyond devastating for the spouse. I think the first thing you should do to get over an AP is to not see him/her. So get a new job or figure out ways to improve your life that don't involve betrayal. If your spouse is in fact a terrible person, then do the honorable thing and leave first, and then find your bliss. FWIW, I think self-reflection after an affair can be very profound for a cheater if you take responsibility and really try to figure out why that was your coping mechanism. Good luck.

I was/am the " ow". I agree with all of this. I feel awful about the way we met. When he left his wife I began therapy. It feels shitty to one day tell our kids how we met.

It will also feel shitty to tell your kids how their dad cheated on you. Because if he cheated *with* you then you can bet your ass he will cheat *on* you once you become the new normal and boring...

Maybe, maybe not. We were both in shitty situations and got out. It would have been better if we both left our spouses first but we didn't for reasons I won't go into because his estranged wife is on these boards.

[Anonymous]

Didn't. Married 22 years and faithful to just one mistress for 14.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Didn't. Married 22 years and faithful to just one mistress for 14.

Is she married?
I find this fascinating. A friend of mine waited 12 yrs as his mistress. He stayed in an unhappy marriage until his kids grew up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are not alone in your devastation.

Everyone thinks affairs are just about sex. They may start that way. But if it becomes more, and you can't take it further...it haunts you forever.

GMAFB, You act like you are the only one to have to break up with a SO. Almost everybody has a SO and they love them but break up. It's not some huge deal. People date, they break up, it sucks, ... NORMAL PEOPLE move on... people with mental issues imagine their relationship was something it wasn't and ponder it for weeks, months, years.

ALL DATING IS ABOUT SEX... and then sometimes you end up having feelings.... even 16yo's know this.

You have affairs because there is something wrong with you and you can't move on because there is something wrong with you.

You are mental, get some help.

This is all true, but said harshly. Therapy might help. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[quote=Anonymous

It will also feel shitty to tell your kids how their dad cheated on you. Because if he cheated *with* you then you can bet your ass he will cheat *on* you once you become the new normal and boring...

This is falling into the same old BS of once a cheater always a cheater - sorry not true. Sometimes you find the one and become faithful/loyal. Life and love evolves as we grow. Serial cheater until I found the one who made me not want to cheat anymore.

[Anonymous]

She farted in public. I was done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Didn't. Married 22 years and faithful to just one mistress for 14.

Does faithful mean you don't have sex with your wife?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Didn't. Married 22 years and faithful to just one mistress for 14.

Does faithful mean you don't have sex with your wife?

Oh this is getting interesting. Because despite all the sexless marriages out there, there is always somebody on this board who wants to say that the ap is still having sex with his/her spouse, even when he/she says no.

Why wouldn't ap be telling the truth? Could be faithful to mistress?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Didn't. Married 22 years and faithful to just one mistress for 14.

Does faithful mean you don't have sex with your wife?

Oh this is getting interesting. Because despite all the sexless marriages out there, there is always somebody on this board who wants to say that the ap is still having sex with his/her spouse, even when he/she says no.

Why wouldn't ap be telling the truth? Could be faithful to mistress?

APs never tell the truth - hard to when relationships are built on a lie. Even people in sexless marriages have sex (can be other acts than intercourse). Most APs have more sex at home to try to hide the affair.