Would you let your parent move in with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My Grandmother moved in when I was in 5th grade, she had dementia.

It ruined my childhood, having dementia patient in my house.

No friends over, my mother was overwhelmed, the police were called to the house on multiple occasions.

So no, never, ever, ever.

I will make sure I have enough money in retirement to go to a place that can properly care for me when I am too old to care for myself.

I will never, ever, ever, ever put that burden on my children and grandchildren.

Sorry you had to experience that as a child. I totally get it. My FIL with dementia can act like giant belligerent toddler and be downright scary when he gets it in his head that he still has a valid drivers license and someone is holding his keys hostage or something equally crazy. He doesn't sleep at night either, just little naps all day. He has 24 hour care. No way we could do it and I wouldn't put my kids thru it.

You are smart to protect your kids from this. Mine are still traumatized and it will be some time before we all heal.

[Anonymous]

We had my mom live with us for four months and it drove me nuts. She is in assisted living now and grumbles constantly but my stress level is 1000 times less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. I didn't ask to be born, but they didn't ask to get old. When they get old, they are my responsibility, just like I was theirs.

This. People used to take care of their elderly famliy members. This is how I grew up in the Midwest. I think, as a society, we have lost something vital when we see our elderly as disposable and a hinderance to our lifestyle.

Yes, but back in Mayberry, mothers didn't work outside of the home- making 24/7 care of an elderly person feasible.

Decades ago my mother cared for her mother [my GM] in the home. Years of intensive care like a newborn baby. Children became ancillary to the point I almost died [medical issue]. Lots of yelling and screaming about ungrateful horrible person [me] who wouldn't help with care.

[Anonymous]

A lot of times they enjoy the nursing homes more. Grandma willingly put herself in the nursing home and she loves being around other people her age and the activities. It's not even a particularly nice nursing home. She would have hated it cooped up at home, alone all day while everyone else worked.

[Anonymous]

My grandmother cared for her own mother at home, and was always adamant that she would go to a nursing home. She felt safer there and enjoyed the company of her peers. We made sure she had a visitor every day and came back whenever she wanted.

[Anonymous]

No. It is hard enough being in the same city.

[Anonymous]

Nope.

[Anonymous]

I have a close family and I do love them. My ILs and I are very different. I want to be able to help as they all age, but I just cannot deal with the idea of anyone moving in. I am a private person and very much need my space. DH and I still have very young kids and miss traveling and having flexibility. We are loving raising kids, but also look forward to being able to focus on us as a couple again. I can't imagine going from raising kids to caring for parents and always being responsible for other people to that extent.

I no longer have time for the things that made me ME. And I miss that.

I hope I can help parents with errands and grocery shopping and things. But I need to be able to go home at the end of the day.

[Anonymous]

No. Don't have the time or space, and ILs have plenty of money to afford whatever they want. (My parents are dead, but my answer would be the same). Also, they would just as soon eat a bullet than rely on any of their kids. They are of the mindset that assistance flows exactly one way in a parent-child relationship and would just as soon die as be a burden.

These were my parents. They were part of the "greatest generation" . . . born in the 1920's and Dad was a Marine in the Pacific during WW2. They did not have high incomes, but raised 7 children and saved enough money to take care of themselves until the end. Mom was in assisted living for about 8 months. Dad was in there for only one month (he was the toughest guy you can imagine) before he died. He never went to a nursing home, never took any pills . . . just died when his time came. He abhorred the thought of ANYONE taking care of him.

Like him, I have saved for my old age and never want to ask my only child to care for me. Visit me, yes. But I would prefer not to burden my child. I also agree with others on here who are talking about how long people live now as opposed to the past. My father's parents were dead before I was born. My father was astounded at how long he lived. Life was just a lot harder way back then. People got things and died. Now we live, but our quality of life is not always so good.

It's just hard to make these decisions. OP, do not feel guilty . . . those who judge are not in your shoes. Every situation is different.

[Anonymous]

I seriously don't what I'll do if one of my parents passed. My DH doesn't want to live with my parents. And he can't even do a 7 days vacation with his parents without getting worn out. His parents are only in their 60s and he said he'll think about it when it comes to it.
And my siblings already said no cause their spouses object to everything. And DH says my siblings should take responsibility for some things related to them which I already know they don't. And I even propose to give $ (up to $800/month) to the sibling that takes the parents in. Everyone is just more selfish than I thought and I wonder why we are related. Or the influences of the spouse are not beneficial to the family.

[Anonymous]

My MIL, possibly yes (even though I can see that being tough). My parents, hell no - were abusive to me and would NOT want to put my kids at risk.

It's up to you, OP. I hope you figure out what works best for you and your family.

[Anonymous]

Ideally, yes, but in reality no. FIL would drive me crazy, he already does even though he is long distance. He is passive aggressive and meddles into everything, while saying that he stays out of everything. You can't even choose your own paint color for the house if he hears about it even from thousand miles away. My own parents, my Dad has severe dementia now and is at home, my mom takes care of him. While, in my original culture(I am immigrant from Europe) that is the only way to do things, here I would do it differently as my mom is having her own issues and he is incredibly selfish. However, there facilities for elderly are atrocious, so putting him in a home there would be a crime. My mom, resembles my FIL just more meddling and depressed an critical since I was born, though who can blame her now with all she has. But, here where you can find nice facility, proper care, I would go with ALF.

[Anonymous]

Funny thing how perspective changes. When I got married my mom wrote me a cookbook. On the first page she wrote "Never, ever live with your parents or your husband's parents." Fast forward 25 years, she is ready to move in with me, and can't imagine that I would be so cruel to not have her live with me.

[Anonymous]

Yes, though if they needed 24/7 care, I'd find a nearby facility. I have seen this play out with two grandmothers who lived to their mid-90s, and it was way more kind to them to have strangers doing the hardcore caretaking.

[Anonymous]

I am an adult who grew up at times with a grandparent in the house part of the time. She lived with us from 0-5 yrs and again between 15-17 yrs. When I was young I thought she was okay I would visit her and do things. Little did I know she was constantly fighting with my mother (her daughter) about the time she spent with her 3 children and about how often my mother was taking her places. She moved out when it got too much for my mother to handle. When I was 15 we moved several states way and my grandmother moved with us. It was horrible. She had no friends at our home so she was bored and would do things. She also couldn't be trusted to be alone. She set fire to the toaster over and microwave. When my parents took trips, she wasn't watching me I was watching her. I was terrified that when I would come home from school that I would come home to a burnt down house. It was very stressful to me. There were also the conflicts between my mother and her again. Eventually one of my siblings needed to move in so grandma moved out. She was so much happier at a retirement home, where she made friends and could do things like play bingo. She lived to be 102 yrs old. If she never had moved out that would have been almost 25 yrs of her and my mother fighting in the same home. I can tell you both were happier with their own homes.