Would you let your parent move in with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I work in this field and I am going to tell you that 9 times out of 10 it is actually *better* for the parent to go to ALF.

Let that sink in for a minute

It will be your parent's own space, where they can have their things how they want them, they can be social if they choose or not. They can eat when and where they want (room, dining room) and have meal choices.
They can be cranky to staff, not feel badly that they are cranky to their family.

Or not feel badly about it at all.
I feed my family good food with lots of fruits and vegetables, quality meat and fish. The old family member prefers the unhealthy food they ate all their life, complains about food and picks at it, effectively wasting good food and my labor. Never says please or thank you, but deteriorating manners are a natural consequence of memory impairment. Oh, the children eat at the same table and we have to explain that it is not OK to behave like Grandparent. And this is just one aspect of taking in your elders to live with you, and an easier one at that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. I didn't ask to be born, but they didn't ask to get old. When they get old, they are my responsibility, just like I was theirs.

This. People used to take care of their elderly famliy members. This is how I grew up in the Midwest. I think, as a society, we have lost something vital when we see our elderly as disposable and a hinderance to our lifestyle.

+1 Your older family members are fortunate!

[Anonymous]

In terms of who I could live with without going insane, I could handle my father. Wouldn't take on either my mother or MIL.

I don't think people have stopped caring what happens to their elderly, or wishing they could provide care for them.

The sad fact is, taking care of elders has mainly been unpaid women's work all these years, and now women want to and have to work at paid jobs. You can't support a family on one income anymore.

Many developed countries provide more support to family, in the form of affordable assisted living for elderly, affordable daycare, paid family leave, and affordable health care. We ought to get more practical here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I work in this field and I am going to tell you that 9 times out of 10 it is actually *better* for the parent to go to ALF.

Let that sink in for a minute

It will be your parent's own space, where they can have their things how they want them, they can be social if they choose or not. They can eat when and where they want (room, dining room) and have meal choices.
They can be cranky to staff, not feel badly that they are cranky to their family.
They can make demands of the staff and not of you, and not feel badly because they are paying for that service.
Let the ALF do transportation to doctors, arrange for the podiatrist to cut nails, and you do the fun social visits.
Are you going to provide hygiene? Showers? Toileting?

My parents live in the independent living area of a dual community and LOVE it. The same activities and services are available for the assisted living folks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If an elderly parent needed care, would you take them into your home on a permanent basis?

Absolutely. Did so for my dad for 2.5 years until he passed away. My school aged kids got to spend lots of time with him and they were eyewitnesses to the importance of family. Since dad was in our house, it made it easy for us to take care of him instead of having to go visit him somewhere else. And yes, I would do it the same way again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. I didn't ask to be born, but they didn't ask to get old. When they get old, they are my responsibility, just like I was theirs.

Whose responsibility are people who grow old but don't have children then?

IME, nieces.

[Anonymous]

No. Don't have the time or space, and ILs have plenty of money to afford whatever they want. (My parents are dead, but my answer would be the same). Also, they would just as soon eat a bullet than rely on any of their kids. They are of the mindset that assistance flows exactly one way in a parent-child relationship and would just as soon die as be a burden.

[Anonymous]

My mom, yes. My in law, no because i won't feel comfortable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. I didn't ask to be born, but they didn't ask to get old. When they get old, they are my responsibility, just like I was theirs.

Whose responsibility are people who grow old but don't have children then?

It's their own responsibility. Nursing home I guess. Hopefully they have savings. Medicare/aid pays some.

[Anonymous]

Parents, yes, In-Laws, no. And my husband feels the same way-- he'd happily have my parents live with us, no way to his.

[Anonymous]

If my parents or my in laws wanted to move in with us just because they were ready to retire and spend more time with my kids, absolutely. Both sets of parents are wonderful and respectful of us as parents. Plus we have a nice in law suite in the basement, so we definitely have the room.

If were a case of needing round the clock care then no. I wouldn't be comfortable with an elder who had deteriorating health in my center hall colonial with steep stairs to fall down, no one their own age in the neighborhood, and no accessibility accommodations in the bathrooms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If an elderly parent needed care, would you take them into your home on a permanent basis? Just curious. Never thought I would be in this situation, but now I am. BTW, I am married with school-aged kids. Feeling guilty about sending parent to assisted living when I have a nice home. Not sure if I could maintain my sanity w/ 24/7 care, though.

You should be asking,
"Would you hope your child would welcome you into their home, if that seemed to be the best option?"

[Anonymous]

No

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. I didn't ask to be born, but they didn't ask to get old. When they get old, they are my responsibility, just like I was theirs.

This. People used to take care of their elderly famliy members. This is how I grew up in the Midwest. I think, as a society, we have lost something vital when we see our elderly as disposable and a hinderance to our lifestyle.

Well it goes both ways. In an ideal society, the village help care for the old and the young. But it does not happen because sometimes what individual want trumps obligation.

When we had our DC child, my MIL did not lift one finger to help us. Not ever change one diaper. She said that she was not into babies. She preferred going on vacations with friends than coming to help out. When she came to visit, she would plan outings with DH and leaving me and DC at home. Fast forward 7 years, she's broke and needs a place to stay. It will not be with us. I feel no bond with MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. Don't have the time or space, and ILs have plenty of money to afford whatever they want. (My parents are dead, but my answer would be the same). Also, they would just as soon eat a bullet than rely on any of their kids. They are of the mindset that assistance flows exactly one way in a parent-child relationship and would just as soon die as be a burden.

Our parents felt similarly until they reached the point with physical issues (they remained alert cognitively) that they couldn't be independent. We did and said everything needed to let them know we would never view them as a burden. As a PP said, our kids and grandkids benefited, too.