Would you let your parent move in with you?

[Anonymous]

If we could afford some kind of in law suite I would consider it. More for my dad. The other three drive me insane. I love my mom but she has no filter sometimes and really hurts my feelings. My FIL - just, yuck. MIL is cold and has never liked me - she's also proud. I'm sure she would never let me take care of her.

Plus, I work FT and will be doing so for the next 20 years likely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fuck no

KARMA
?kärm?
noun
(in Hinduism and Buddhism) the sum of a person's actions in this and previous states of existence, viewed as deciding their fate in future existences.

I'm neither Hindu nor Buddhist.

[Anonymous]

Yes. Mine are moving in this July. One has Alzheimer's and the other limited mobility (both 87 years). We are renovating to accommodate them right now. Im married, 2 school-aged kids. I even told my Aunt who is 93 she is welcome to come join the fun.

[Anonymous]

No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: Parent has ability to cover cost of assisted living near me. Siblings are not involved/checked out, so no one around to help out or offer respite care except me and I have school-aged kids who are in a lot of activities. If we go the assisted living route, I would still be involved in his life on a regular basis but wouldn't have daily responsibility for meals, personal care, entertainment. Still, I feel guilty. I recognize that I can't do it all, though.

You are lucky that your parent can afford assisted living. Think this through: You've got kids and a husband to worry about. If one of them breaks a bone and winds up in the hospital or you need to travel out of town for a game or to visit colleges or simply to visit your ILs - what then? You would have your parent alone in your home and (????) coming into your house to help them with possibly one or more of your kids in the house while you're out of town....No.

Much better to either have them in their own small home near your house where you can check on them regularly and they can hire some outside help for housekeeping/yardwork. Or in assisted living if they can not take care of themselves. Do Not feel guilty. You allowing yourself to get sick over this will not help anyone. You've got kids relying on you.

[Anonymous]

My husband was angry at me for choosing to put my mom in assisted living, even though she could afford it. She had Alzheimer's, and I decided to do it when I stayed with her, and she thought I was an intruder in her house. She was scared, and I was scared what she would do when she felt threatened. I spent the night locked inside a bedroom and she spent the night outside the bedroom door. Prior to that we moved to be closer to her so she could stay in her own home as long as possible with support. In addition, I stayed with her for a year to support her in her own home. My kids were teens. So I say it depends on the level of care that is required.

[Anonymous]

No way. Never.

My dad has lived in a nursing home for over two years with 24-hr care. There is no way I could provide the level of care he receives (and even there I see gaps and problems) nor could I provide a safe infrastructure.

One thing to think about, if your elderly relative is wheel chair bound, you need wide doors, ramps, a way to get up stairs, wheelchair accessible bathroom and shower and every way imaginable to mitigate falls.

It can literally change overnight. You may move in a healthy, independent, mobile adult but one illness or fall or precipitous event...this is why active living communities with "levels of care exist" - move into active living, die in the nursing home, all in same campus.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: Parent has ability to cover cost of assisted living near me. Siblings are not involved/checked out, so no one around to help out or offer respite care except me and I have school-aged kids who are in a lot of activities. If we go the assisted living route, I would still be involved in his life on a regular basis but wouldn't have daily responsibility for meals, personal care, entertainment. Still, I feel guilty. I recognize that I can't do it all, though.

OP, I would argue he is better off in assisted living where he can socialize w peers, exercise, have planned outings, etc. go get him every Saturday and include him in as many school or family events as possible. Nothing to feel guilty about here.

[Anonymous]

My Grandmother moved in when I was in 5th grade, she had dementia.

It ruined my childhood, having dementia patient in my house.

No friends over, my mother was overwhelmed, the police were called to the house on multiple occasions.

So no, never, ever, ever.

I will make sure I have enough money in retirement to go to a place that can properly care for me when I am too old to care for myself.

I will never, ever, ever, ever put that burden on my children and grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

No.
If truly elderly or any dementia or medical issues it quickly becomes a 24/7 job. You will need sitters and your siblings to contribute financially. Get power of attorney ASAP as well. Understand their financial situation ASAP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. I didn't ask to be born, but they didn't ask to get old. When they get old, they are my responsibility, just like I was theirs.

This. People used to take care of their elderly famliy members. This is how I grew up in the Midwest. I think, as a society, we have lost something vital when we see our elderly as disposable and a hinderance to our lifestyle.

+1 Your older family members are fortunate!

People used to have shorter lifespans and better quality of lives their last 5-10 years.

Today is vastly different. End of life care prolongs a life (90%+ of one's lifetime of medical costs), that life becomes difficult, filled with meds, side effects, doctor visits, hospital visits, complications, adult diapers, brain and motor skill deterioration, and then a bacteria infection does you in.

Totally different than 20-50 years ago.

[Anonymous]

If I get dementia or something similar when I am old, I would not want my children to take me in. I'd rather die in a nursing home where I knew I wasn't a burden.

[Anonymous]

Not in my current small home, and not if she truly needed 24/7 care because DH and I WOH. But I have invited my able-bodied parents to move with us into a bigger house and I certainly wouldn't kick them out as they started to need more help (they declined to move in with us, though).

I would probably do it for my ILs too, but less enthusiastically. Also, a few years ago they got very focused on buying an accessible home that they could age in "till the end," but purchased one an hour from us and I'm not sure who they think will be providing daily care when they get to that point: we're not going to be able to drive an hour each way on top of jobs and school stuff. Home health aide in their home would be ideal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My Grandmother moved in when I was in 5th grade, she had dementia.

It ruined my childhood, having dementia patient in my house.

No friends over, my mother was overwhelmed, the police were called to the house on multiple occasions.

So no, never, ever, ever.

I will make sure I have enough money in retirement to go to a place that can properly care for me when I am too old to care for myself.

I will never, ever, ever, ever put that burden on my children and grandchildren.

Sorry you had to experience that as a child. I totally get it. My FIL with dementia can act like giant belligerent toddler and be downright scary when he gets it in his head that he still has a valid drivers license and someone is holding his keys hostage or something equally crazy. He doesn't sleep at night either, just little naps all day. He has 24 hour care. No way we could do it and I wouldn't put my kids thru it.

[Anonymous]

I did it, it was awful. But my dad had early onset dementia and what we thought was weird, grumpy behavior was actually Alzheimer's. He would have been so much better off if I had put him in a nice assisted living before he went downhill. As it ended up we got him into a foster home for dementia patients and he passed away three weeks later. So only if the parent can care for themselves and does not need dialysis or other ongoing medical care. Assisted living is better.