In Laws invite DH's ex wife and child on holidays we don't have the child

[Anonymous]

OP- Is your DH controlling on other issues too?

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you're really concerned about how things look on Facebook. Not surprising from someone who confuses disrespect with "other people doing something I don't like".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am pretty shocked at the responses actually. I think if 99% of you were actually in this situation you would be livid. I don't buy for a second that you would be cool with it. I know that my wife would hit the roof if she were in this situation.

I would be totally cool with it unless my ex had done something absolutely horrible to cause the divorce. Or if they were an incredibly toxic person I would not like it. BUT I would actually encourage this kind of relationship for the sake of my child as long as everyone could be mature and respectable. My DH and I will most likely be divorced within the year. And I hope to God my family still welcomes him with open arms. I hate living with him and I hate having to try and navigate life with him. But I would welcome him to our family holidays even with me there. Even when we divorce my family will still consider him a part of our family....because he is. I want our kids to still see us ALL as family.

It's not about being cool with it or not. It is about making peace with things that we don't like/ hurt our ego, by looking at the broader perspective.
There's a child involved here.

Ding ding ding! This PP gets it. It's not about you, OP. You don't have to like it. You and DH can be (privately) annoyed as hell. But not one word of annoyance should be uttered aloud. The ex might be a harpy bitch from hell or a sainted angel. It doesn't matter. Maybe the in laws hate her. Maybe they secretly wish their son was still married to her. Maybe they just don't like you. Maybe they think (mistakenly?!) that you're a solid partner and a good DIL and you can deal with the situation. But it just doesn't matter. You don't have to like it, but you have to accept it. So it's easier if you make peace with it, but if you want to stew, go right ahead. But don't say anything to the in laws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My SIL and BIL are divorced. My MIL invites SIL and children to family functions. My MIL also does things like take the children and SIL on vacations. She behaves as the grandmother of the children, because that is her role. My ex-SIL does use the children to negotiate things that benefit her like Christmas at a lovely resort when the kids really couldn't care less. But my MIL is a wonderful grandmother and since she can afford it does everything she can to maintain a good relationship with the mother of her grandchildren.

Whether or not we like ex-SIL is irrelevant. She's the mother of children we care very much for, and as such we will treat her with kindness and respect and as one of the family.

Your DH's ex wife is the mother of the In Laws grandchild. They are being mature and compassionate in their behavior. You should take notice of the example.

Has your BIL remarried? I think things should change once that happens.

My BIL has remarried. Why should things change? The children are still my MIL's grandchildren and of course she wants to see them, loves them, and treats their mother with courtesy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you're really concerned about how things look on Facebook. Not surprising from someone who confuses disrespect with "other people doing something I don't like".

BINGO!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - they were married for 1 year after daughter was born and then divorced. We got married 6 years later and have 2 kids. She has been very difficult demanding and limits access and everyone has been aware of this. Mil goes above and beyond for her and daughter.

Omg, OP. DH has moved on and created a new family with you. Yet, you still begrudge this girl extra time with her grandparents because you feel
"Slighted" ? Disgusting

OP, I'm a stepmom, and I would be annoyed as hell at opening Facebook and seeing pictures of my husband's ex with his mom and dad and daughter on Thanksgiving. Annoyed as hell. I can't stand the woman - she is toxic, she has done terrible things to my stepdaughter, and I am lucky that my stepdaughter is grown now so we can have a great relationship with her without having very much contact with her mother.

That said, the fact that her mother is awful is all the more reason why I would swallow my annoyance and disgust and be really, really happy for my stepdaughter that she got to spend more time with our (DH's) family. The more time with our family the better. And if your MIL can navigate how difficult and demanding the XW has been, more power to her!!!

This is not a slight of you in any way. (If they had been invited and NOT you, that would be a slight. You weren't going to be there anyway. By no definition is it a slight.)

The only halfway legit complaint I think you have is that this is the kind of thing that MIL should tell your DH ahead of time. Understandably, she probably avoids saying something because it would cause a stink. But it's not right for him to be blindsided by seeing his daughter and his ex with his family on Facebook. That's just lousy - it's like being clobbered with an emotional 2x4 because it obviously brings up a lot of uncomfortable emotions.

If this woman is so bad, the more time your stepdaughter spends with your family, whether with her mom or not, is a good thing. Try to be happy for her.

Thanks for this. And I see the point about being happy for DSD. But the annoying and shocking part was not just pics of all of them, but ones with ex and MIL and SILs arm in arm. With quotes about a perfect thanksgiving and love you all!

AAAHHHHH! Now we get to the real crux of the issue. OP, you have just outed yourself as an insecure, selfish bitch. Instead of being happy for step-daughter, SIL, and MIL (YOUR family now too) you would prefer that they all hate ex-wife and openly show it. For all you know, they do but they are being mature adults for the child's sake. Take a page from their book.
God forbid they actually posted happy pictures to oh so important Facebook. Could you be any more superficial? Grow-up, OP!

[Anonymous]

OP, I would see the happy FB pictures and feel relief thinking, "There, but for the grace of God, go I." Knowing that if things don't work out in your marriage, your children have family that will always put their needs first and be accepting and polite to their mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having the ex over to celebrate the holidays is not slighting you or your husband. It is celebrating the holidays with their grandchild. They have not invited the ex over on the years when you have been there. This is his child and his parents. Why does he need to be present when they visit? Step back and look at the big picture. It is great that his parents are nurturing a good relationship with their grandchild. They sound quite lovely in fact.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - they were married for 1 year after daughter was born and then divorced. We got married 6 years later and have 2 kids. She has been very difficult demanding and limits access and everyone has been aware of this. Mil goes above and beyond for her and daughter.

Omg, OP. DH has moved on and created a new family with you. Yet, you still begrudge this girl extra time with her grandparents because you feel
"Slighted" ? Disgusting

OP, I'm a stepmom, and I would be annoyed as hell at opening Facebook and seeing pictures of my husband's ex with his mom and dad and daughter on Thanksgiving. Annoyed as hell. I can't stand the woman - she is toxic, she has done terrible things to my stepdaughter, and I am lucky that my stepdaughter is grown now so we can have a great relationship with her without having very much contact with her mother.

That said, the fact that her mother is awful is all the more reason why I would swallow my annoyance and disgust and be really, really happy for my stepdaughter that she got to spend more time with our (DH's) family. The more time with our family the better. And if your MIL can navigate how difficult and demanding the XW has been, more power to her!!!

This is not a slight of you in any way. (If they had been invited and NOT you, that would be a slight. You weren't going to be there anyway. By no definition is it a slight.)

The only halfway legit complaint I think you have is that this is the kind of thing that MIL should tell your DH ahead of time. Understandably, she probably avoids saying something because it would cause a stink. But it's not right for him to be blindsided by seeing his daughter and his ex with his family on Facebook. That's just lousy - it's like being clobbered with an emotional 2x4 because it obviously brings up a lot of uncomfortable emotions.

If this woman is so bad, the more time your stepdaughter spends with your family, whether with her mom or not, is a good thing. Try to be happy for her.

Thanks for this. And I see the point about being happy for DSD. But the annoying and shocking part was not just pics of all of them, but ones with ex and MIL and SILs arm in arm. With quotes about a perfect thanksgiving and love you all!

It's sooooo much better for your stepchild if there is peace in the family. This is her mother. It can only benefit her for her mother and grandmother to have a good relationship, despite whatever troubled history exists between your DH and his ex. It may be uncomfortable for you, but it's better for the child.
Can't you see that?

[Anonymous]

I'm guessing OP's husband is furious because he's insecure. His family has no problem with his ex; maybe he feels judged for screwing up with her.

Or maybe he's a control freak.

He's being a bad father and you're being a bad stepmother here. The child shouldn't have to part with her mother in order to see her grandparents. She didn't ask for a divorce- her parents did. She shouldn't have to bear the burden of your insecurities.

[Anonymous]

Op because they have kids you just have to get over it. I had an uncle who remarried another woman and his ex-wife was always around the family because they had two kids together. Unfortunately my aunt and uncle both died tragically, but his ex-wife is still very much around. So you can probably expect that you'll have to deal with her being in the picture forever.

[Anonymous]

If the social media thing bothers you and your husband-and it seems like you feel that the pictures are posted with the intent to show that your IL like the ex-wife better than you-you husband could politely ask his parents not to post those kinds of holiday pics. I asked my ex-wife not to post pictures of our child with her former affair partner now partner. Some people would think that was petty of me, but it's not like anyone NEEDS to post pics on facebook. If you know posting those pics is painful to another (even if they are being over-sensitive) it's not a big sacrifice not to post.

[Anonymous]

It's not about you. It's about grandparents spending time with their grandchild.

[Anonymous]

OP, your husband's parents seem to love their ex-daughter in law and grandchild and it is completely appropriate for them to separately celebrate holidays when you and your husband are not around. In fact, it makes perfect sense since it is obvious you and your husband would not get along at all with your husband's ex-wife.

When your husband divorced his ex-wife and married you, in no way does that create any moral, ethical, or legal obligation for his parents to cut ties or otherwise treat his ex-wife any differently at all, as the mom of their grandchild, then they treated her prior to the divorce.

You and your husband have issues with their close relationship with your husband's ex. The fact that you, and he, cannot see that the problem rests with yourself, and him, rather than with his ex, or the in-laws, is a clear symptom of the problem itself.

I don't know if that's narcissism or what, but you and your husband are the ones in need of therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me guess your wonderful DH caused the divorce by cheating on his wife with you. Sounds like the grandparents enjoy their grandchildren and like the exwife more than the second wife.

Was wondering the same...