In Laws invite DH's ex wife and child on holidays we don't have the child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm a first wife who has a decent relationship with my ex-in-laws after divorce. They are my daughter's family. They will always be her family, the same way that I will always be her family and my family will always be her family.

Your husband's parents are not slighting you. They are continuing to have a relationship with their granddaughter, regardless of whether she's with her mom or her dad. That's a good thing for her. If this was a situation where they were inviting your stepdaughter and her mom INSTEAD of you and your kids, that would be another story, but that's not what's going on.

The only issue right now is that this is happening behind your backs. I don't think it's fair for your husband to prohibit his parents from inviting his daughter to family holidays, but given that he did this and your MIL presumably agreed to it, I think it's fairly shabby of her to turn around and invite them anyway. I think your stance should be that they are welcome to spend time with your stepdaughter when you're not around, but you would like a head's up that she will be there for TG/Xmas/whatever, and leave it at that.

If it's on Facebook, it's not really happening behind their backs, is it?

The invite certainly occurred behind their backs, if they found out about it on FB.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm a first wife who has a decent relationship with my ex-in-laws after divorce. They are my daughter's family. They will always be her family, the same way that I will always be her family and my family will always be her family.

Your husband's parents are not slighting you. They are continuing to have a relationship with their granddaughter, regardless of whether she's with her mom or her dad. That's a good thing for her. If this was a situation where they were inviting your stepdaughter and her mom INSTEAD of you and your kids, that would be another story, but that's not what's going on.

The only issue right now is that this is happening behind your backs. I don't think it's fair for your husband to prohibit his parents from inviting his daughter to family holidays, but given that he did this and your MIL presumably agreed to it, I think it's fairly shabby of her to turn around and invite them anyway. I think your stance should be that they are welcome to spend time with your stepdaughter when you're not around, but you would like a head's up that she will be there for TG/Xmas/whatever, and leave it at that.

If it's on Facebook, it's not really happening behind their backs, is it?

The invite certainly occurred behind their backs, if they found out about it on FB.

Since it's happened for the past several years and there's no attempt to hide it, it's hard to argue it's now occurring behind their backs. But do you really expect adults to clear holiday invitations with their son? Do you expect them to not have contact with their grandchild and her mother? That's a pretty high degree of control to expect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm a first wife who has a decent relationship with my ex-in-laws after divorce. They are my daughter's family. They will always be her family, the same way that I will always be her family and my family will always be her family.

Your husband's parents are not slighting you. They are continuing to have a relationship with their granddaughter, regardless of whether she's with her mom or her dad. That's a good thing for her. If this was a situation where they were inviting your stepdaughter and her mom INSTEAD of you and your kids, that would be another story, but that's not what's going on.

The only issue right now is that this is happening behind your backs. I don't think it's fair for your husband to prohibit his parents from inviting his daughter to family holidays, but given that he did this and your MIL presumably agreed to it, I think it's fairly shabby of her to turn around and invite them anyway. I think your stance should be that they are welcome to spend time with your stepdaughter when you're not around, but you would like a head's up that she will be there for TG/Xmas/whatever, and leave it at that.

If it's on Facebook, it's not really happening behind their backs, is it?

The invite certainly occurred behind their backs, if they found out about it on FB.

Since it's happened for the past several years and there's no attempt to hide it, it's hard to argue it's now occurring behind their backs. But do you really expect adults to clear holiday invitations with their son? Do you expect them to not have contact with their grandchild and her mother? That's a pretty high degree of control to expect.

Yeah, why would they need to clear it with you? They seem to do this every year that you don't spend Christmas with them. So it's not really a surprise anymore, is it? And if they did give you a heads-up, would you start giving them shit about it? So, your in-laws invite their grandchild to spend a holiday with them. Their grandchild's mother is included in the invitation. There is literally nothing wrong with this. I think it's lovely that the grandparents love their grandchild so much and try to spend holidays with her in a way that does not reduce your time with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm a first wife who has a decent relationship with my ex-in-laws after divorce. They are my daughter's family. They will always be her family, the same way that I will always be her family and my family will always be her family.

Your husband's parents are not slighting you. They are continuing to have a relationship with their granddaughter, regardless of whether she's with her mom or her dad. That's a good thing for her. If this was a situation where they were inviting your stepdaughter and her mom INSTEAD of you and your kids, that would be another story, but that's not what's going on.

The only issue right now is that this is happening behind your backs. I don't think it's fair for your husband to prohibit his parents from inviting his daughter to family holidays, but given that he did this and your MIL presumably agreed to it, I think it's fairly shabby of her to turn around and invite them anyway. I think your stance should be that they are welcome to spend time with your stepdaughter when you're not around, but you would like a head's up that she will be there for TG/Xmas/whatever, and leave it at that.

If it's on Facebook, it's not really happening behind their backs, is it?

The invite certainly occurred behind their backs, if they found out about it on FB.

Since it's happened for the past several years and there's no attempt to hide it, it's hard to argue it's now occurring behind their backs. But do you really expect adults to clear holiday invitations with their son? Do you expect them to not have contact with their grandchild and her mother? That's a pretty high degree of control to expect.

Yeah, why would they need to clear it with you? They seem to do this every year that you don't spend Christmas with them. So it's not really a surprise anymore, is it? And if they did give you a heads-up, would you start giving them shit about it? So, your in-laws invite their grandchild to spend a holiday with them. Their grandchild's mother is included in the invitation. There is literally nothing wrong with this. I think it's lovely that the grandparents love their grandchild so much and try to spend holidays with her in a way that does not reduce your time with them.

PP here. I completely agree with both of you, but this seems like something that upsets the OP's husband. If notification would make him less upset, I don't see how it costs the MIL anything to say, "We're sorry we won't see you this year. We have invited your daughter and her mom and will send you a photo of her with the turkey! Have a great holiday."

[Anonymous]

My SIL and BIL are divorced. My MIL invites SIL and children to family functions. My MIL also does things like take the children and SIL on vacations. She behaves as the grandmother of the children, because that is her role. My ex-SIL does use the children to negotiate things that benefit her like Christmas at a lovely resort when the kids really couldn't care less. But my MIL is a wonderful grandmother and since she can afford it does everything she can to maintain a good relationship with the mother of her grandchildren.

Whether or not we like ex-SIL is irrelevant. She's the mother of children we care very much for, and as such we will treat her with kindness and respect and as one of the family.

Your DH's ex wife is the mother of the In Laws grandchild. They are being mature and compassionate in their behavior. You should take notice of the example.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm a first wife who has a decent relationship with my ex-in-laws after divorce. They are my daughter's family. They will always be her family, the same way that I will always be her family and my family will always be her family.

Your husband's parents are not slighting you. They are continuing to have a relationship with their granddaughter, regardless of whether she's with her mom or her dad. That's a good thing for her. If this was a situation where they were inviting your stepdaughter and her mom INSTEAD of you and your kids, that would be another story, but that's not what's going on.

The only issue right now is that this is happening behind your backs. I don't think it's fair for your husband to prohibit his parents from inviting his daughter to family holidays, but given that he did this and your MIL presumably agreed to it, I think it's fairly shabby of her to turn around and invite them anyway. I think your stance should be that they are welcome to spend time with your stepdaughter when you're not around, but you would like a head's up that she will be there for TG/Xmas/whatever, and leave it at that.

If it's on Facebook, it's not really happening behind their backs, is it?

The invite certainly occurred behind their backs, if they found out about it on FB.

Since it's happened for the past several years and there's no attempt to hide it, it's hard to argue it's now occurring behind their backs. But do you really expect adults to clear holiday invitations with their son? Do you expect them to not have contact with their grandchild and her mother? That's a pretty high degree of control to expect.

Yeah, why would they need to clear it with you? They seem to do this every year that you don't spend Christmas with them. So it's not really a surprise anymore, is it? And if they did give you a heads-up, would you start giving them shit about it? So, your in-laws invite their grandchild to spend a holiday with them. Their grandchild's mother is included in the invitation. There is literally nothing wrong with this. I think it's lovely that the grandparents love their grandchild so much and try to spend holidays with her in a way that does not reduce your time with them.

PP here. I completely agree with both of you, but this seems like something that upsets the OP's husband. If notification would make him less upset, I don't see how it costs the MIL anything to say, "We're sorry we won't see you this year. We have invited your daughter and her mom and will send you a photo of her with the turkey! Have a great holiday."

I don't think it's the lack of notification, PP. If it were, that would have worked itself out, as there's now a routine established over several years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH gets alternating holidays with his daughter. The other holidays we spend with my family. For the past few years, in laws have invited DH's ex wife, who he does not have a good relationship with, and daughter to the holidays that we are with my family. They don't mention they are doing it in advance, don't discuss with DH, we just end up seeing photos of everyone all together on facebook. I understand that they want to spend time with their grandchild, but shouldn't the ex be spending time with her side of the family on those holidays (they are local too)? A quick visit is ok, but to family thanksgiving? And without us? DH is furious because he has asked his mom in the past not to do this and he thinks it is disrespectful to the two of us. On the holidays when we do have his dd , they don't invite the ex, or at least haven't up to now, but I can't help but feel slighted in this situation. MIL doesn't seem to respect DH's wishes. I know children should come first, but this dynamic is very uncomfortable.

Hi, I can understand how he feels because he is still angry with his ex. But I understand that his parents would want to remain friendly with their ex daughter in law, specially with a grandchild in the picture. What I'm more concerned with is the grandparent's well being. If his ex is doing this because it pisses your husband, then she is using his parents and is not a sincere relationship. If she actually likes that her daughter gets to spend time with her grandparents then, this is not really a bad thing. It is a pretty wonderful thing to encourage a grandparent/grandchild relationship. It might actually lead to a better co-parenting also.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - they were married for 1 year after daughter was born and then divorced. We got married 6 years later and have 2 kids. She has been very difficult demanding and limits access and everyone has been aware of this. Mil goes above and beyond for her and daughter.

Omg, OP. DH has moved on and created a new family with you. Yet, you still begrudge this girl extra time with her grandparents because you feel
"Slighted" ? Disgusting

I have no issue with her spending extra time with their grandparents. In fact they often babysit for ex so she can go on trips or dates. It is specifically the ex. This has only happened in recent years so it has not been the norm.

So, your DH's ex has been an EX for 8? 10? years? His parents have been only recently inviting ex and granddaughter to events when you and your DH are with your family. It sounds like there has been enough time for your DH to get over the divorce and his parents allowed enough time (cooling off period) before they starting inviting granddaughter and ex over. From what you have posted, your DH should find someome to talk to so that he can move on. 8-10 years is enough time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am pretty shocked at the responses actually. I think if 99% of you were actually in this situation you would be livid. I don't buy for a second that you would be cool with it. I know that my wife would hit the roof if she were in this situation.

I would be totally cool with it unless my ex had done something absolutely horrible to cause the divorce. Or if they were an incredibly toxic person I would not like it. BUT I would actually encourage this kind of relationship for the sake of my child as long as everyone could be mature and respectable. My DH and I will most likely be divorced within the year. And I hope to God my family still welcomes him with open arms. I hate living with him and I hate having to try and navigate life with him. But I would welcome him to our family holidays even with me there. Even when we divorce my family will still consider him a part of our family....because he is. I want our kids to still see us ALL as family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am pretty shocked at the responses actually. I think if 99% of you were actually in this situation you would be livid. I don't buy for a second that you would be cool with it. I know that my wife would hit the roof if she were in this situation.

I would be totally cool with it unless my ex had done something absolutely horrible to cause the divorce. Or if they were an incredibly toxic person I would not like it. BUT I would actually encourage this kind of relationship for the sake of my child as long as everyone could be mature and respectable. My DH and I will most likely be divorced within the year. And I hope to God my family still welcomes him with open arms. I hate living with him and I hate having to try and navigate life with him. But I would welcome him to our family holidays even with me there. Even when we divorce my family will still consider him a part of our family....because he is. I want our kids to still see us ALL as family.

It's not about being cool with it or not. It is about making peace with things that we don't like/ hurt our ego, by looking at the broader perspective.
There's a child involved here.

[Anonymous]

EH, my inlaws invited the ex and child to LIVE with them. Just move on - no point in getting all worked up. Its part of things you cannot control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They're inviting their granddaughter. Get over it.

+1! You knew about the kids when you got married.

P.S.: Don't have kids until you're mature about this.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand your ire, OP.

What does it matter that the grandparents see their grandchild accompanied by her mother, when you and your husband aren't there? You are not in the same room as the ex-wife, you're not affected, are you?

You don't have the right to dictate who other see behind your back, OP. You DO have the right to refuse to see someone. So you can tell the grandparents that you don't ever want to see the ex-wife in the flesh at a holiday party!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They're inviting their granddaughter. Get over it.

+1! You knew about the kids when you got married.

P.S.: Don't have kids until you're mature about this.

Did you read her posts? They have 2 kids already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - they were married for 1 year after daughter was born and then divorced. We got married 6 years later and have 2 kids. She has been very difficult demanding and limits access and everyone has been aware of this. Mil goes above and beyond for her and daughter.

Omg, OP. DH has moved on and created a new family with you. Yet, you still begrudge this girl extra time with her grandparents because you feel
"Slighted" ? Disgusting

OP, I'm a stepmom, and I would be annoyed as hell at opening Facebook and seeing pictures of my husband's ex with his mom and dad and daughter on Thanksgiving. Annoyed as hell. I can't stand the woman - she is toxic, she has done terrible things to my stepdaughter, and I am lucky that my stepdaughter is grown now so we can have a great relationship with her without having very much contact with her mother.

That said, the fact that her mother is awful is all the more reason why I would swallow my annoyance and disgust and be really, really happy for my stepdaughter that she got to spend more time with our (DH's) family. The more time with our family the better. And if your MIL can navigate how difficult and demanding the XW has been, more power to her!!!

This is not a slight of you in any way. (If they had been invited and NOT you, that would be a slight. You weren't going to be there anyway. By no definition is it a slight.)

The only halfway legit complaint I think you have is that this is the kind of thing that MIL should tell your DH ahead of time. Understandably, she probably avoids saying something because it would cause a stink. But it's not right for him to be blindsided by seeing his daughter and his ex with his family on Facebook. That's just lousy - it's like being clobbered with an emotional 2x4 because it obviously brings up a lot of uncomfortable emotions.

If this woman is so bad, the more time your stepdaughter spends with your family, whether with her mom or not, is a good thing. Try to be happy for her.

Thanks for this. And I see the point about being happy for DSD. But the annoying and shocking part was not just pics of all of them, but ones with ex and MIL and SILs arm in arm. With quotes about a perfect thanksgiving and love you all!