Wife half my age - what to expect in future

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's say you guys are truly soul mates and it's meant to be. There will still be backlash from your peers (think of how the age appropriate wives of your male friends will treat her).

Is she emotionally mature enough to have that roll off her back? Are you ready to have to defend her to all of your friends, or cut off those relationships because she can't handle the way they treat her? Most 20 year-olds are not prepared for that, and I doubt she's much different.

+1. And are you ready to spend time with her friends? It's only fair, if you're expecting her to spend time with yours, right?

Social isolation can be a problem if you can't find a group of friends in which you both feel comfortable.

This may not be an issue for them. Spouse and I are the same age and rarely hang out with each others friends. We mostly hang out together and usually do our own things with our respective friends. There's a few events like weddings that we go to together but mostly we do our own thing.

But she may want him to spend time with her friends. Some people don't, but some people do. And, in your 20s and 30s there are an awful lot of weddings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's say you guys are truly soul mates and it's meant to be. There will still be backlash from your peers (think of how the age appropriate wives of your male friends will treat her).

Is she emotionally mature enough to have that roll off her back? Are you ready to have to defend her to all of your friends, or cut off those relationships because she can't handle the way they treat her? Most 20 year-olds are not prepared for that, and I doubt she's much different.

+1. And are you ready to spend time with her friends? It's only fair, if you're expecting her to spend time with yours, right?

Social isolation can be a problem if you can't find a group of friends in which you both feel comfortable.

This may not be an issue for them. Spouse and I are the same age and rarely hang out with each others friends. We mostly hang out together and usually do our own things with our respective friends. There's a few events like weddings that we go to together but mostly we do our own thing.

But she may want him to spend time with her friends. Some people don't, but some people do. And, in your 20s and 30s there are an awful lot of weddings.

Right, like I said, it may or may not be an issue. Presumably, this issue would have come up during the time they've been dating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what do you think she sees in you? At her age I never would have given a 40 y.o. a second look, frankly, so I'm curious. You need to have a very, very strong connection to make such an age gap work these days, and she is so very young to really know her own heart and mind. If you really love her, I would hope you would give her lots of time to make sure she's making the right decision.

OP here: Yes. I’ve pondered that one myself. When I’ve asked her about that there are three themes that I’ve been able to identify. (1) She states that she likes that I’m “serious.” I take that to means that she appreciates that I’m serious-minded or thoughtful. (2) She states that she feels comfortable with me and “safe.” (3) She says that, in retrospect, she is able to distinguish a distinct improvement in how I approach and treat her compared to past relationships. These are reasons outside of the physical attraction arena.

compared to her past relationships?

She sounds terrified of something. How is her relationship with her parents?

If her past relationships were all with guys the same age as her, then of course she thinks you're "serious". It's not that hard to out-serious a 19-year-old.

Are your parents still living, OP? Does she truly understand what it will be like to help you care for them, and then care for you AND her own aging parents at the same time, eventually?

OP here: yes my parents are still living. This is something I've also been considering as I've started to notice changes in their health and am now waking up to the fact that I'll need to consider their future health. Parental health is something we all understand but I don't think it really hits home until we individually witness our parents getting older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did OP say if she was an American or not? Because if she is from another country (and that is very much the case in many, if not most, 30-40 marriages) the answers to your questions are vastly different.

OP refuses to answer anything.

Actually the initial post looks to me a bit like a troll's attempt to generate 100+ pages of passionate outrage from trusting DCUMers but who knows?
Although refusal for clarification would definitely be along the same lines... Just sayin.

This. I smell troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what do you think she sees in you? At her age I never would have given a 40 y.o. a second look, frankly, so I'm curious. You need to have a very, very strong connection to make such an age gap work these days, and she is so very young to really know her own heart and mind. If you really love her, I would hope you would give her lots of time to make sure she's making the right decision.

OP here: Yes. I’ve pondered that one myself. When I’ve asked her about that there are three themes that I’ve been able to identify. (1) She states that she likes that I’m “serious.” I take that to means that she appreciates that I’m serious-minded or thoughtful. (2) She states that she feels comfortable with me and “safe.” (3) She says that, in retrospect, she is able to distinguish a distinct improvement in how I approach and treat her compared to past relationships. These are reasons outside of the physical attraction arena.

Honestly, none of these are really about YOU. They are about your maturity. Guys her age are immature, so you are obviously more mature than them, and treat her better. But that's not going to be enough, long-term, because all of those guys will grow up over the next 5 years or so, and still have more in common with her.

Do you have kids from a previous relationship? Is this a "second-time-around" situation? If so, how would she deal with having "step grandchildren" the same age as her own kids? Is she emotionally mature enough to handle that fallout?

OP here: Yes, unfortunately this is my second time around. I met my first wife in graduate school She was older. We had three children and then while I was dealing with a corporate restructure due to a lost proxy battle she quietly prepared for divorce. I was blindsided just after being forced out and needing to restart my career. I still have assets but not nearly the level I had prior to the divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did OP say if she was an American or not? Because if she is from another country (and that is very much the case in many, if not most, 30-40 marriages) the answers to your questions are vastly different.

OP refuses to answer anything.

Actually the initial post looks to me a bit like a troll's attempt to generate 100+ pages of passionate outrage from trusting DCUMers but who knows?
Although refusal for clarification would definitely be along the same lines... Just sayin.

This. I smell troll.

Now I want this thread to continue just to see which one it is - the one who escaped the abusive husband or the one posting from a public library about living large all around the world?

Carry on.

[Anonymous]

Wow 3 kids and an ex-wife, your new bride is certainly inheriting a shit storm!

[Anonymous]

Ayyy. This is a huuuuuuuuge issue and frankly it's a red flag that you haven't brought it up yet. How old are the kids, are they boys or girls, and what is your custody arrangement? It is really, really hard to become a stepmother of 3 kids, with no parenting experience whatsoever. And she may not truly understand what it's like to be a stepmother.

If you have a teenaged daughter, I think this is a bad parenting move, period.

Encourage her to read the book Stepmonster, it's great.

[Anonymous]

To the Pp who is married to the man 26 years your senior. Do you regret your decision to marry him, honestly? I am only asking because I was crazy in love with a guy 26 years older when I was in college. We broke up because I moved to another country but I still think of him sometimes.

[Anonymous]

OK, my money is now on "I escaped abusive husband" troll. Just need a lite bit more drama for a complete picture.

Love it. Thank you, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im going to state something very bluntly and I hope you don't take personal offense. If you marry her expect for your general public opinion of yourself to go way down instantly. Co workers, friends, family, social circles you've had for years...EVERYONE will think less of you. I am not saying its fair but its the truth.

PREACH! and we will worry about your mental health.

+1. Do you have any female friends your own age, OP. Expect them to distance themselves. They may not be outright rude, but it will be too weird for them and make them think less of you.

Why do you think you haven't found an age-appropriate partner?[/quote

OP here: (disregarding the underlying assumption of “age appropriate”) I work 12 – 14 hour days 6 days a week in an office which is almost entirely male. That plays a big part in meeting anyone no matter what age. This is part of the reason I’m taking any potential mate seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what do you think she sees in you? At her age I never would have given a 40 y.o. a second look, frankly, so I'm curious. You need to have a very, very strong connection to make such an age gap work these days, and she is so very young to really know her own heart and mind. If you really love her, I would hope you would give her lots of time to make sure she's making the right decision.

OP here: Yes. I’ve pondered that one myself. When I’ve asked her about that there are three themes that I’ve been able to identify. (1) She states that she likes that I’m “serious.” I take that to means that she appreciates that I’m serious-minded or thoughtful. (2) She states that she feels comfortable with me and “safe.” (3) She says that, in retrospect, she is able to distinguish a distinct improvement in how I approach and treat her compared to past relationships. These are reasons outside of the physical attraction arena.

My mother married my dad for these reasons. She had just come off of a whirlwind romance with a handsome pilot, who happened to have a wife but they had "an arrangement." My dad was the Rock of Gibralter in comparison. She actually brought up the subject of marriage after only 3 months. They married and my oldest sister followed. They are complete opposites and should have never gotten married. My mother never had a close relationship with her father. The marriage was a mistake, from my mother's point of view and my dad would have been far happier with someone more like him. Your girlfriend sounds like she is on the rebound. I would not rush into marriage with her. Let her finish her degree and get started on her career first.

[Anonymous]

So if you work so much and she is in college how did you meet? Was she your intern?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ayyy. This is a huuuuuuuuge issue and frankly it's a red flag that you haven't brought it up yet. How old are the kids, are they boys or girls, and what is your custody arrangement? It is really, really hard to become a stepmother of 3 kids, with no parenting experience whatsoever. And she may not truly understand what it's like to be a stepmother.

If you have a teenaged daughter, I think this is a bad parenting move, period.

Encourage her to read the book Stepmonster, it's great.

OP here: Ex wife and kids live out of state. The children spend the summer with me. I visit them independently otherwise. My daughter is not a teen. We have discussed this and I don't see her stepping into the role of "stepmother." I think the infrequency of interaction would prohibit that.

[Anonymous]

I really love how you posted this and it appeared you had not been married with children before and you main premise was to ask about how it would be as you age with her?

You have WAY bigger issues than that in this new scenario. Have you not even considered your children in this?

You are either a troll or need some therapy! Or both!