Wife half my age - what to expect in future

[Anonymous]

I am 26 years younger than my husband. Married 15 years with two kids. A few thoughts...

The marriage and our relationship has been super helpful for my career. As he was peaking I was starting. No or little competition, lots of support.

We early on agreed on kids and had them within the first five years. He is definitely the oldest dad at school but not geriatric.

We keep him young. His last college reunion was kind of depressing. Those guys seemed old. Not DH.

I feel like we have had and continue to have a new marriage every few years - partly because of the kids but also as he nears retirement.

Talk, at least hypothetically, about how you see the future. Do you have a retirement plan? DH wants to keep working in some form another 6 years and I plan to go full out another 10 then move into consulting so we can spend more time together. I'll be 50 and he will be 76.

Insurance and pensions - what do you agree you need? We went full out for some pricey long term care insurance. Won't touch the 401ks. Lifestyle adjusted to my income, his pension and SS.

Family and friends - are the supportive? Do they have a relationship? You'll need them at some point. We care for his elderly parents, my mom helps with our kids, his older boys are close with us but have their own lives. Are your own parents sorted out?

No way am I socially isolated but I was 25 when we met, already working and do not have the kids til 30. What will be her anchors and inspiration besides you?

[Anonymous]

I think you might be best planning a long engagement. As PPs have noted, 20-year-olds are often immature and haven't experienced enough to really know what they want.

Heck, I don't even hire au pairs under the age of 23, because the immaturity before (roughly) that age is pretty disruptive. I believe the research shows the average age for brain maturity is about 25.

If you do decide to go forward with marriage while she's so young, you absolutely need a very solid pre-nup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am 26 years younger than my husband. Married 15 years with two kids. A few thoughts...

The marriage and our relationship has been super helpful for my career. As he was peaking I was starting. No or little competition, lots of support.

We early on agreed on kids and had them within the first five years. He is definitely the oldest dad at school but not geriatric.

We keep him young. His last college reunion was kind of depressing. Those guys seemed old. Not DH.

I feel like we have had and continue to have a new marriage every few years - partly because of the kids but also as he nears retirement.

Talk, at least hypothetically, about how you see the future. Do you have a retirement plan? DH wants to keep working in some form another 6 years and I plan to go full out another 10 then move into consulting so we can spend more time together. I'll be 50 and he will be 76.

Insurance and pensions - what do you agree you need? We went full out for some pricey long term care insurance. Won't touch the 401ks. Lifestyle adjusted to my income, his pension and SS.

Family and friends - are the supportive? Do they have a relationship? You'll need them at some point. We care for his elderly parents, my mom helps with our kids, his older boys are close with us but have their own lives. Are your own parents sorted out?

No way am I socially isolated but I was 25 when we met, already working and do not have the kids til 30. What will be her anchors and inspiration besides you?

So you are 40 and he is 66? Does he have a thorough physical exam every year? He is the same age as my father and this year has been a tough one for my dad health-wise, despite the fact that he stays VERY fit (runs a 5K every morning) and didn't have a lot of risk factors. It's surprising how much his situation changed in a year.

I think an older DH/dad has to be very proactive and get this sort of maintenance health care done much more often than one might expect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two perspectives:

My parents were 19 years apart - mom 24, dad 43 when they married. My mom was looking for a father figure and my dad was quite young in looks and in energy/temperment for his age. They had kids right away. I'm the youngest; they had me when my dad was 48. Your fiancee is much younger and hasn't even started a career. What if she wants kids in 8-10 years. She will still be very young. Do you want an infant when you're 50? Do you want to be coaching Little League at 60?

What worked for my parents is that my dad basically acted younger and my mom acted older. She has always acted and seemed much older than her chronological age, so she didnt' mind hanging out with all my dad's family and friends. She even got Senior Citizens discounts when she was still in her early 50's because he did. She aged a lot mentally. He died at 83. She's now only 72 but she is in a nursing home. We kept him very, very young until he hit a wall with health. So, it was really good for him, not so good for her, but it worked because she didn't mind being "older" all those years.

My oldest brother married a woman half his age - he was 44, she was 22. She is an immigrant from a very poor country and he is her Prince Charming, her Knight. They are now married 5 years and she doesn't mind at all being subservient. She's never had a job; she is his homemaker. He always dated women way younger than him because he needs to be in control and can't be with a woman who is truly an equal partner. So this works out for them. But as she gets older, she is starting to want more freedom and more autonomy, and I'm not sure it's going to work out. Also, when they first married, he wanted to wait a few years for kids so they could travel and have fun. Now she desperately wants kids and I think he's feeling too old. They're happy right now, but I'm not sure for how much longer. I really like her and hope she can find happiness with him as she grows older, but I'm not sure either of them will be comfortable together as she grows more confidence and independence with age.

OP: Thanks

[Anonymous]

Expect an expensive divorce.

I think PPs are wrong to imply she only wants you for money. She may or may not; she is the only one who knows that for sure. She, however, is too young to know what she wants in a partner and a marriage. If 38+ is too old for you (sigh), try at least 30-year-olds. They are still attractive, but not as inexperienced as 20-year-olds.

FWIW, my DH is 17 years older, and we've been quite content with each other for quite a while. I didn't get married until my very late twenties though after having my share of career success, relationships, world travel etc. So I pretty much knew what I wanted from a potential husband. (No, not just money )

[Anonymous]

OP, what do you think she sees in you? At her age I never would have given a 40 y.o. a second look, frankly, so I'm curious. You need to have a very, very strong connection to make such an age gap work these days, and she is so very young to really know her own heart and mind. If you really love her, I would hope you would give her lots of time to make sure she's making the right decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd also be curious to know if she would even be ready for marriage- by her own admission, not an outside judgement from DCUM. I know that I was madly in love with my college BF and that I wanted to marry him. If he had asked I would have said NO WAY when I was just out of school!. FWIW, we actually did get married at about 28, but I just knew I wasn't ready at that young age.

OP here: She has told me that she wants to get married and more to the point that she would like to marry me. We have discussed waiting until graduation though. I'm an quite circumspect about this however.

What do her mom and dad think about this? I assume they are paying for college, living expenses, healthcsre, care, etc.

OP: Yes, mom and dad are covering her expenses (college, healthcare, housing, etc.). As for their opinion, she has discussed marriage to me with them (more with her mother than father). My understanding is that they are, in theory, Ok with it or at least not outwardly opposed to it. I, however, suspect they may be simply (on some level) waiting the situation out to see if changes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am 26 years younger than my husband. Married 15 years with two kids. A few thoughts...

The marriage and our relationship has been super helpful for my career. As he was peaking I was starting. No or little competition, lots of support.

We early on agreed on kids and had them within the first five years. He is definitely the oldest dad at school but not geriatric.

We keep him young. His last college reunion was kind of depressing. Those guys seemed old. Not DH.

I feel like we have had and continue to have a new marriage every few years - partly because of the kids but also as he nears retirement.

Talk, at least hypothetically, about how you see the future. Do you have a retirement plan? DH wants to keep working in some form another 6 years and I plan to go full out another 10 then move into consulting so we can spend more time together. I'll be 50 and he will be 76.

Insurance and pensions - what do you agree you need? We went full out for some pricey long term care insurance. Won't touch the 401ks. Lifestyle adjusted to my income, his pension and SS.

Family and friends - are the supportive? Do they have a relationship? You'll need them at some point. We care for his elderly parents, my mom helps with our kids, his older boys are close with us but have their own lives. Are your own parents sorted out?

No way am I socially isolated but I was 25 when we met, already working and do not have the kids til 30. What will be her anchors and inspiration besides you?

So you are 40 and he is 66? Does he have a thorough physical exam every year? He is the same age as my father and this year has been a tough one for my dad health-wise, despite the fact that he stays VERY fit (runs a 5K every morning) and didn't have a lot of risk factors. It's surprising how much his situation changed in a year.

I think an older DH/dad has to be very proactive and get this sort of maintenance health care done much more often than one might expect.

PP here. He definitely manages his health care well. No major shocks or worries. In fact I've had more than he has had in the last few years. He also hits the gym a lot, is active with the kids, likes semi active vacations. Does he nap more these days? Probably but my friends husbands who are the same age wish they could but cannot afford to.

[Anonymous]

Is she realistic about the age gap, or does she say red-flag inducing "It doesn't matter because we love each other" type of statements? If she is full of "love conquers all" quotes, she is too young. Because grown ups all realize that love does not conquer all and that real life needs to be taken into account.

[Anonymous]

Have you even met her parents? If you are talking marriage I certainly hope so.

Also, as mature as she seems now, I cannot imagine the changes she will go through the first 5 years out of school.

Does she want to SAH and have kids right away? Work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what do you think she sees in you? At her age I never would have given a 40 y.o. a second look, frankly, so I'm curious. You need to have a very, very strong connection to make such an age gap work these days, and she is so very young to really know her own heart and mind. If you really love her, I would hope you would give her lots of time to make sure she's making the right decision.

OP here: Yes. I’ve pondered that one myself. When I’ve asked her about that there are three themes that I’ve been able to identify. (1) She states that she likes that I’m “serious.” I take that to means that she appreciates that I’m serious-minded or thoughtful. (2) She states that she feels comfortable with me and “safe.” (3) She says that, in retrospect, she is able to distinguish a distinct improvement in how I approach and treat her compared to past relationships. These are reasons outside of the physical attraction arena.

[Anonymous]

I think a 20 year age difference is less of a red flag than her wanting to get married at 20. You have had a whole adult life, she has never lived alone, never had to support herself or handle any sort of adult issues. I cannot imagine going from sharing the dorm showers to being someone's wife. Wait until she's a few years out of school and if you both feel the same way, awesome! One benefit of her being young is that she will still presumedly be fertile for another 15-20 years so no need to rush to have kids. Honestly at this point you'll be an older dad either way, better to wait for her sake than rush into it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does she want in the future? Kids? The social dynamics are very weird. Most adults still hang out with adults of roughly the same age. People will make assumptions about you and most of them are not positive. Get used to waiters assuming she's out with her dad.

I have a good friend whose parents had a 20+ year age gap. The parents seemed socially isolated and her mother had to basically stop her life for years to take care of her father.

I can see what's in it for you, but I can't see what's in it for your partner...

He must be very wealthy .. Otherwise why would she be interested

OP here.... oddly enough over the past few years of I've found the older women I've dated (38 +) to be more overtly interested in money. Frequently point blank asking questions about annual income, net worth (including balance in retirement accounts and savings accounts), etc. I've found it somewhat disturbing at times.

Because older women know that it costs money to live comfortably, and money is usually one of the biggest reasons couples fight. Your 20 yr old doesn't know this yet. She's too young and hasn't experienced life enough. You're going to be a husband and father figure to her at the same time. I don't see this ending up very well.

She's still a kid. Despite what you may think about how mature she is, women tend to change a lot (and I'm not talking just physically) into their late 20's/early 30's. I know men do too. So just keep this in mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what do you think she sees in you? At her age I never would have given a 40 y.o. a second look, frankly, so I'm curious. You need to have a very, very strong connection to make such an age gap work these days, and she is so very young to really know her own heart and mind. If you really love her, I would hope you would give her lots of time to make sure she's making the right decision.

OP here: Yes. I’ve pondered that one myself. When I’ve asked her about that there are three themes that I’ve been able to identify. (1) She states that she likes that I’m “serious.” I take that to means that she appreciates that I’m serious-minded or thoughtful. (2) She states that she feels comfortable with me and “safe.” (3) She says that, in retrospect, she is able to distinguish a distinct improvement in how I approach and treat her compared to past relationships. These are reasons outside of the physical attraction arena.

These all scream "father figure" to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what do you think she sees in you? At her age I never would have given a 40 y.o. a second look, frankly, so I'm curious. You need to have a very, very strong connection to make such an age gap work these days, and she is so very young to really know her own heart and mind. If you really love her, I would hope you would give her lots of time to make sure she's making the right decision.

OP here: Yes. I’ve pondered that one myself. When I’ve asked her about that there are three themes that I’ve been able to identify. (1) She states that she likes that I’m “serious.” I take that to means that she appreciates that I’m serious-minded or thoughtful. (2) She states that she feels comfortable with me and “safe.” (3) She says that, in retrospect, she is able to distinguish a distinct improvement in how I approach and treat her compared to past relationships. These are reasons outside of the physical attraction arena.

compared to her past relationships?

She sounds terrified of something. How is her relationship with her parents?