How do we get out of this circular argument? Joint DH and DW post

[Anonymous]

It's possible that it never did result in sex, either because of guilt, fear of getting caught (by wife, colleagues, whoever) or because neither of them had the nerve before the wife found out and shut things down, but if he was staying at her house he was at the absolute and very least, considering a physical affair and open to it to a degree. Married or not, you don't put yourself in that kind of physical proximity to someone you have an emotional connection with unless you are considering taking it to the next level. To me, this is what DH needs to admit to, not just keep insisting that it didn't. Maybe actual physical cheating never took place, but even if that's true, he took it as far as he possibly could without that happening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old is your son, OP?

He was 17 and in high school when this was happening. He graduated and just turned 18. His biological father has been missing since he was six. After graduation he moved to a place where he has roommates - about an hour from here. He self supports.

[Anonymous]

OMG, DH is an asshole to think you ought to be kicking out a teenager with no father. What a jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG, DH is an asshole to think you ought to be kicking out a teenager with no father. What a jerk.

+1 he sounds like a d-bag.

[Anonymous]

Dump him. He ask you to kick your child out of the house and spent the night with another woman - sex or not, this guy is a loser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dump him. He ask you to kick your child out of the house and spent the night with another woman - sex or not, this guy is a loser.

+1 kick to curb

[Anonymous]

DH wants to say to this forum that the stepson was doing other drugs too (exstasy, hookah, Drinking). DH says stepson did crack, Stepson says he never did. DW says Stepson now works at a place that drug tests and has never failed a drug test and moved out.

DH wants to add that no one thinks he's innocent because they don't know him and they don't know how awful DW is and how unreasonable she is.

DW says that's a great reason to leave, but doesn't justify the lying.

And this is another example of why this is circular.........

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH wants to say to this forum that the stepson was doing other drugs too (exstasy, hookah, Drinking). DH says stepson did crack, Stepson says he never did. DW says Stepson now works at a place that drug tests and has never failed a drug test and moved out.

DH wants to add that no one thinks he's innocent because they don't know him and they don't know how awful DW is and how unreasonable she is.

DW says that's a great reason to leave, but doesn't justify the lying.

And this is another example of why this is circular.........

and yet another example of delusional trolling or split personalities. Please seek help.

[Anonymous]

If a man is secretly sleeping at another woman's house, yeah that's cheating.

Whether or not you want to divorce him, your call.

"I felt bad" is not an acceptable excuse. What is he, 12 years old?

[Anonymous]

Also, not supporting you in supporting your child is a non-starter. I don't know what kind of help your kid needs, but it's not this Ahole stepfather.

[Anonymous]

I would do drugs too if I had such an asshole for a stepfather making my life miserable.

can't believe he won't admit the affair. What does he say he was doing at the OW's house, playing Monopoly until daybreak? What a loser. Of course no one believes you, because you aren't telling the truth. if you didn't have sex with the OW, it's just because she wouldn't have you.

I can't believe you are contemplating keeping him, OP. I think it shows a profound lack of self-confidence on your part. Just kick him out already and stop taking his abuse. I think he emotionally abuses you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH wants to say to this forum that the stepson was doing other drugs too (exstasy, hookah, Drinking). DH says stepson did crack, Stepson says he never did. DW says Stepson now works at a place that drug tests and has never failed a drug test and moved out.

DH wants to add that no one thinks he's innocent because they don't know him and they don't know how awful DW is and how unreasonable she is.

DW says that's a great reason to leave, but doesn't justify the lying.

And this is another example of why this is circular.........

So the son no longer lives in the home? But you're still arguing about him?

Otherwise nice, decent people do cheat-I know, I was married to one.

Having a partner who is "awful" and "unreasonable" doesn't justify inappropriate relationships.

I think you guys need to live separately for at least a month. Go to individual therapy. Think about whether you want to be in this relationship, and how you would be a better partner. You both need to have some space to step away from the anger and bitterness.

[Anonymous]

DH, what are the details about you sleeping at the OW's house? How many times? What were the sleeping accommodations? You did not sleep in the same bed? Was there any physical contact of any kind?

How did it happen that you slept at her house? Did she invite you? Why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the W needs to be willing to forgive. If she's not, the whole effort is pointless. I have a family member who was cheated on, spouse repented, they reconciled, but family member could never really forgive, and spouse eventually left because spouse felt that they'd be paying for it forever. Both regretted everything, pretty much the whole way, and I think both continue to regret how it all worked out many years later.
So you really need to be able to forgive, or it just won't work. Reminding him over and over again that he screwed up and making him beg for forgiveness over and over again is not a way to move forward. He'll never really be able to adequately apologize, because, really, apologies can't make it right. She needs to be able to forgive in spite of that.
That said, H needs to realize how hard this is for W to forgive, and realize that to be worthy of that forgiveness, he needs to never do anything even remotely like that again. Cause it sounds like he won't get a third chance.

+1

[Anonymous]

I've never texted someone a hundred times in a day.
Is that common to those [of you] in the dating/cheating world?