Should my sister have to pay for the wedding?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your sister needs to contact the B&B and read the fine print of the contract. She should pay whatever needs to be paid to cancel the event, but depending on how far in the future the event is, it may just be a matter of forfeiting the deposit.

And then I think you need to stay out of it, unless your niece comes to you directly to complain. In that case, you should say that you understand that she is upset and angry, and that your sister should not have made a promise she couldn't keep. However, the best thing she can do is let that go and work on planning a wedding that she can afford. Offer to help, if you can--researching new venues, offering whatever DIY skills you have, etc.

Bingo. Great post.

OP, as others have asked, when is this wedding? If it's far enough off, there may be loopholes to get out of it that the bride just doesn't see (or doesn't want to see). If your sister contacts the B&B she may find that she only owes a deposit. Is sister letting daughter be the sole go-between and source of information about these contractual details like "the B&B forces us to use these vendors" etc.? Your sister should have a copy of all contracts etc. already and should know for herself what is or is not covered, how deposit refunds work, deadlines for cancellations, etc. I'd really pick up the phone ASAP if I were sister. Maybe you can simply suggest that sister find out what the deal is. I'm not saying niece is lying, but niece sounds so young that she likely hasn't ever asked about "What if things go wrong and we have to cancel?"

I like the response above that you can use if your niece vents to you about this. You don't want to badmouth your sister, who after all has admitted she was wrong to over-promise. The response above acknowledges niece's emotions but focuses on moving on and not making this about her mother/your sister.

It turns out that basically my BIL did this over the weekend. He contacted the B&B himself because my niece nor my sister would actually let him see the contract. My sister feels very guilty about the situation and really is still pushing to get a loan. She waffles depending on the day - one day she feels guilty the next she feels her daughter is being entitled and immature. So BIL stepped in and just called the place. The wedding is scheduled for the fall of 2016.

The B&B does say they have to use vendors on their approved list and yes, they had to rent out the entire thing. Apparently, in the contract, they already specified which vendors from the approved list my niece agreed to use and I think my niece may have mistakenly believed that this was then a contract with those vendors and didn't realize that she actually had to approach those vendors and get a contract with them. The contract with the B&B can be cancelled but they would have to then forfeit the deposit which turned out to be 50%. Both my sister and niece are venting and asking me for advice along with my other niece (the younger sister of the bride) who is now worried about how her college tuition is going to be paid for since she feels all the money is going to her older sisters wedding. My BIL told the B&B they were cancelling and this caused a huge fight over the weekend between everyone and I received a lot of tearful phone calls and too many texts.

The situation also caused a big fight between my niece and her fiancee and I am actually wondering if the will even make it to the wedding. Fiancee was actually pretty reasonable about the whole thing and just suggested that he and my niece pay for something small they could afford. My niece then went ballistic claiming he didn't understand her and didn't want her to be happy. and it just apparently went on from there but the worst part was this all took place as a screaming match right outside my sister's house on the front porch and it was from what I heard quite a spectacle with neighbors watching and everything.

Anyway, yes, going forward I am going to now just mind my own business and let them vent away but not offer any advice.

I would be shocked if the fiancé marries her after this. she sounds like a totally immature, entitled woman, and it looks like she does not love him. she would marry him in an expensive ceremony paid by her parents (who cannot afford it and would go into debt), but would not marry him in a simple, inexpensive ceremony......she is in for the show, not for the long haul

[Anonymous]

OP - SIL - I noted that your dear niece is "stretching out" her degree program. [b]I do hope your sister and brother-in-law have made it clear to her that their financial support stops at the equivalent of four years of college so that any "stretching" will be on her paying. Hopefully, they have learned from the fiasco of this wedding planning to let the little "princess' know their financial obligations involve so many children and have their clear limits. It is too bad this couple could not have been given the advice to wait a year after graduation and just get jobs, save and learn a little about the world of money and living. It does sound like you niece might have some rocky roads ahead. For you it is best to stay out of it all together.

Your sister and BIL need to learn to put themselves first in terms of long-term retirement planning. They are the ones who should get to a "fee based" independent certified financial planner - who makes nothing from recommendations that he/she might mention one takes in terms of their finances. Your niece sounds like a little hussy who will put on a business suit, take a training course and then work with clients with "her and her company's best interest in mind first and always" and screw the client's needs. It is just the reason to stay away from any financial person who does both "advising" and "investing" for you unless you really know what is going on, have definite goals in mind and can understand "the cost" of someone handling your investments.

In our case we were very clear with our daughters that we would cover four years of undergrad education - and not any "stretch semester or year." We also contributed the same amount for weddings. This does not mean that we did not make individual and sensible decisions in helping our girls. For one with health issues we did pay for her to cobra on our health insurance while in graduate school, while for the other we gave a contribution in about the same amount for her first car.

[Anonymous]

This isn't the niece is it?

http://www.theonion.com/article/wedding-enjoyed-by-no-one-but-bride-1397

[Anonymous]

I am sick, tired and disgusted about the tradition of the brides family paying for EVERYTHING for a wedding.

I say tell the grooms family to pay half!

[Anonymous]

Your sister created a rod for her own back by enabling this kind of behavior. And she makes promises that all of a sudden she has descided she no longer wants to keep.
She needs to be more honest with her grown daughter. Make a promise only when you can keep it. If she does that, she may finally have a financially independent child

[Anonymous]

DO NOT SUCK IT UP AND PAY. I had an extragavant wedding, easy to choose the elegant classy options which start adding $$$. I belatedly realized that money is better spent elsewhere. 22 year olds just don't know/appreciate. Sister made a mistake but it's not too late. Plus they are barely 22. Will this marriage last 75+ years? Sorry, but it's

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your sister needs to contact the B&B and read the fine print of the contract. She should pay whatever needs to be paid to cancel the event, but depending on how far in the future the event is, it may just be a matter of forfeiting the deposit.

And then I think you need to stay out of it, unless your niece comes to you directly to complain. In that case, you should say that you understand that she is upset and angry, and that your sister should not have made a promise she couldn't keep. However, the best thing she can do is let that go and work on planning a wedding that she can afford. Offer to help, if you can--researching new venues, offering whatever DIY skills you have, etc.

Bingo. Great post.

OP, as others have asked, when is this wedding? If it's far enough off, there may be loopholes to get out of it that the bride just doesn't see (or doesn't want to see). If your sister contacts the B&B she may find that she only owes a deposit. Is sister letting daughter be the sole go-between and source of information about these contractual details like "the B&B forces us to use these vendors" etc.? Your sister should have a copy of all contracts etc. already and should know for herself what is or is not covered, how deposit refunds work, deadlines for cancellations, etc. I'd really pick up the phone ASAP if I were sister. Maybe you can simply suggest that sister find out what the deal is. I'm not saying niece is lying, but niece sounds so young that she likely hasn't ever asked about "What if things go wrong and we have to cancel?"

I like the response above that you can use if your niece vents to you about this. You don't want to badmouth your sister, who after all has admitted she was wrong to over-promise. The response above acknowledges niece's emotions but focuses on moving on and not making this about her mother/your sister.

It turns out that basically my BIL did this over the weekend. He contacted the B&B himself because my niece nor my sister would actually let him see the contract. My sister feels very guilty about the situation and really is still pushing to get a loan. She waffles depending on the day - one day she feels guilty the next she feels her daughter is being entitled and immature. So BIL stepped in and just called the place. The wedding is scheduled for the fall of 2016.

The B&B does say they have to use vendors on their approved list and yes, they had to rent out the entire thing. Apparently, in the contract, they already specified which vendors from the approved list my niece agreed to use and I think my niece may have mistakenly believed that this was then a contract with those vendors and didn't realize that she actually had to approach those vendors and get a contract with them. The contract with the B&B can be cancelled but they would have to then forfeit the deposit which turned out to be 50%. Both my sister and niece are venting and asking me for advice along with my other niece (the younger sister of the bride) who is now worried about how her college tuition is going to be paid for since she feels all the money is going to her older sisters wedding. My BIL told the B&B they were cancelling and this caused a huge fight over the weekend between everyone and I received a lot of tearful phone calls and too many texts.

The situation also caused a big fight between my niece and her fiancee and I am actually wondering if the will even make it to the wedding. Fiancee was actually pretty reasonable about the whole thing and just suggested that he and my niece pay for something small they could afford. My niece then went ballistic claiming he didn't understand her and didn't want her to be happy. and it just apparently went on from there but the worst part was this all took place as a screaming match right outside my sister's house on the front porch and it was from what I heard quite a spectacle with neighbors watching and everything.

Anyway, yes, going forward I am going to now just mind my own business and let them vent away but not offer any advice.

I would be shocked if the fiancé marries her after this. she sounds like a totally immature, entitled woman, and it looks like she does not love him. she would marry him in an expensive ceremony paid by her parents (who cannot afford it and would go into debt), but would not marry him in a simple, inexpensive ceremony......she is in for the show, not for the long haul

Good for BIL!!!!!!!!!! The situation, though bad, has been saved. The girl throwing tantrums and fighting is because she hasn't learned to deal with life's sudden and unexpected disappointments. If they stay together through this conflict and learn, they will become more mature. Good life lesson. If they break up over this, they just saved themselves from an unevitable divorce down the road, pre-kids so thank goodness.

I am a woman and can potentially understand her being super upset over this, but only time will tell if she is mature or not depending on how she handles it after the immediate disappointment/sorrow is over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If my mom did this to me, she would not be invited to my wedding. Period.

I would be happy to pay for it and find a way to put on a brave face, but momma would have to content herself with looking at photos on facebook. No way I would allow someone at my wedding who had promised to help out and then gone back on their word, I dont care who you are.

I can't believe pp's post! Ungrateful sob/byatch! Who raised you all these years? Wolves? So entitled! Did you never break a promise to your parents growing up? Never made a mistake?

One should really become a parent to understand how much a parent puts into a child. Even a negligent parent has spent tens of thousands of hours feeding changing diapers holding, ferrying around a child to where they need to go buying things, caring after a child through sickness and health. Children suck out your energy, time, money, create worries. Parents do it voluntarily and with love, but good lord does the poster above upset me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If my mom did this to me, she would not be invited to my wedding. Period.

I would be happy to pay for it and find a way to put on a brave face, but momma would have to content herself with looking at photos on facebook. No way I would allow someone at my wedding who had promised to help out and then gone back on their word, I dont care who you are.

I can't believe pp's post! Ungrateful sob/byatch! Who raised you all these years? Wolves? So entitled! Did you never break a promise to your parents growing up? Never made a mistake?

One should really become a parent to understand how much a parent puts into a child. Even a negligent parent has spent tens of thousands of hours feeding changing diapers holding, ferrying around a child to where they need to go buying things, caring after a child through sickness and health. Children suck out your energy, time, money, create worries. Parents do it voluntarily and with love, but good lord does the poster above upset me.

[Anonymous]

If this happened to me. I would just contact half the wedding guests and tell them personally that I can no longer invite them. They are welcome to attend the church service, but not reception

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sick, tired and disgusted about the tradition of the brides family paying for EVERYTHING for a wedding.

I say tell the grooms family to pay half!

Amen!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People should not have parties they can not afford. Period. You niece is too young and immature to get married.

Yep!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your sister needs to contact the B&B and read the fine print of the contract. She should pay whatever needs to be paid to cancel the event, but depending on how far in the future the event is, it may just be a matter of forfeiting the deposit.

And then I think you need to stay out of it, unless your niece comes to you directly to complain. In that case, you should say that you understand that she is upset and angry, and that your sister should not have made a promise she couldn't keep. However, the best thing she can do is let that go and work on planning a wedding that she can afford. Offer to help, if you can--researching new venues, offering whatever DIY skills you have, etc.

Yes, do this.

The more you get sucked in, the more *you* will be expected to pay!

It's beyond shameful that your sister pulled this fast one on her own daughter. I got married at 23, and would have been shocked to hear that my parents could not afford to pay their agreed portion of my wedding, despite their promises. It's such a breach of trust.

Your niece did nothing wrong here. Plenty of people marry responsibly at that age. If the invitations haven't been sent out yet, perhaps the best thing to do would be to postpone the wedding for a bit, until the animosity dies down. The moral of the story is that she can't trust her mother (sad).

STFU
If you were so damn responsible you should pay for your own damn wedding

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If my mom did this to me, she would not be invited to my wedding. Period.

I would be happy to pay for it and find a way to put on a brave face, but momma would have to content herself with looking at photos on facebook. No way I would allow someone at my wedding who had promised to help out and then gone back on their word, I dont care who you are.

Well then you are broke immature and just .horrible

[Anonymous]

Your niece needs to be mature and accept that her mother is a COMPLETE AND UTTER FOOL.

Your sister needs to apologize unreservedly to her poor daughter she strung along.

You need to talk to both of them, or someone else needs to. Your niece can harbor a years-long resentment for it if she needs to (and she will), but what needs to happen now is that she says: "OK, we'll wait to save up for a big wedding" or "OK, we'll plan something smaller".

My goodness, your sister is so dumb!
Have her read my post