Should my sister have to pay for the wedding?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think they need to come up with a set amount. I got 20k, as did all my siblings. Only paid for a fraction of my wedding, but was equal for all siblings.

Not everyone has 20k to give to each of their kids.

Duh. That's why it says "set amount". But 20k-25k does seem to be a middle class standard around the majority of my friends too.

The 20K was "a fraction" of pp's wedding costs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your niece is mature enough to get married, she should be mature enough to manage disappointment in the face of financial reality with more grace than she's shown so far.

+1

I would sooner die than allow my parents to borrow money for my wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your niece is mature enough to get married, she should be mature enough to manage disappointment in the face of financial reality with more grace than she's shown so far.

+1

I would sooner die than allow my parents to borrow money for my wedding.

+1. Most people I know who married young had a simple, backyard affair, not a blowout party at a b&b. When you're young and don't have any money, that's how it goes.

[Anonymous]

Have the invitations been sent out already?
In this case, if I was the neice, I would drastically trim the guest list, or tell some people that they can come to the ceremony, but not the reception.
Such is life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think they need to come up with a set amount. I got 20k, as did all my siblings. Only paid for a fraction of my wedding, but was equal for all siblings.

Not everyone has 20k to give to each of their kids.

Duh. That's why it says "set amount". But 20k-25k does seem to be a middle class standard around the majority of my friends too.

Da fug you hanging around, Jay Z and Bey? Who has 20K for all kids' weddings pulse college tuition, house, retirement?

[Anonymous]

Given that they've already put down 50 percent of the venue cost, perhaps they can plan a smaller, less expensive wedding at the same location. But first, your sister needs to banish all thoughts of borrowing money to pay for this wedding and only offer to pay what the family can legitimately afford. And your niece needs to grow up and accept that while it's totally understandable that she's disappointed, throwing tantrums is not the way to handle it. This is not going to be the last disappointment she faces as an adult. She needs to sit down with her parents and figure out what they can actually contribute, and figure out how to plan a wedding that's actually within her budget. Her fiance sounds pretty mature about this; if I were him, I would be thinking long and hard about whether I wanted to marry someone so immature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, my sister and BIL are pretty bad with financial management. They have lots of credit card debt they have been carrying for years as well as using personal loans. It's one of the reasons my sister thought nothing of taking out a a loan to pay for the wedding. When her DH found out about her offering to take out a loan he stepped in and said no way could they do that at this point. They already are taking out loans for college. My niece wanted to ask her grandparents for money (my BIL's parents) but she can't because they are already giving money for both girls to attend college.

I did tell my sister last night that she needs to tell my niece that she can't contribute or pay as much as she thought and she needs to tell her right now. My sister was crying to me on the phone because my niece and her got in a big fight once my sister told my niece said she can't afford to pay the deposit for the caterer right now.

My sister has paid the one deposit to secure the location which is a B&B. According to my niece, the agreement is to rent out the entire B&B for a weekend and that the agreement is non-refundable and non-changeable so they have to go through with the agreement. They also say you have to use certain caterers and equipment rentals places as well. I am not sure if this is all true or if perhaps my niece is misunderstanding the agreements or if she just don't want to change the plans at this point.



And yes, they are both really young and if it was my child, I would have encouraged them to wait a while to get engaged and married.

They are going to rent a B&B for a whole weekend? That's crazy. She should just forfeit her deposit and restart with planning, because your sister is going to lose so much more money paying for the "certain caterers,etc" that the B&B uses. I'm sure they will be expensive. And a wedding that lasts a weekend will be $$$.

Your sister is upset because now her daughter is becoming aware of how bad of financially her mom and dad are. Your sister needs to pay down all of those loans and credit cards.

And you need to stay out of it, but if you do say more, tell them to dro pthe B&B.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Given that they've already put down 50 percent of the venue cost, perhaps they can plan a smaller, less expensive wedding at the same location. But first, your sister needs to banish all thoughts of borrowing money to pay for this wedding and only offer to pay what the family can legitimately afford. And your niece needs to grow up and accept that while it's totally understandable that she's disappointed, throwing tantrums is not the way to handle it. This is not going to be the last disappointment she faces as an adult. She needs to sit down with her parents and figure out what they can actually contribute, and figure out how to plan a wedding that's actually within her budget. Her fiance sounds pretty mature about this; if I were him, I would be thinking long and hard about whether I wanted to marry someone so immature.

So the latest seems to be that they are keeping the location but trimming the guest list down but will also hold an additional reception later on at my sister's home for friends/family they couldn't invite. I think this is a silly idea but I said "ok sounds like a plan" to avoid being sucked in. My BIL actually got the B&B owner to let them out of using their approved vendor for catering and is letting them use a family friend to help reduce costs.

My niece has one more semester of college but she is stretching it out to a year. Her degree is something like Liberal Arts with a concentration in writing?? Last night she triumphantly told me that she has decided on a career path for sure - she wants to go into personal financial wealth management. I swear it took everything in me not to crack up laughing. My DH had to leave the room! I asked her what got her interested in that and she said a friend who had graduated already and gotten into a training program for this and was telling her about how well she is doing and all the money she is making. On one hand I think - ugh terrible she will lose money for her clients and the other hand I think good, maybe she will learn to manage money better than her parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, my sister and BIL are pretty bad with financial management. They have lots of credit card debt they have been carrying for years as well as using personal loans. It's one of the reasons my sister thought nothing of taking out a a loan to pay for the wedding. When her DH found out about her offering to take out a loan he stepped in and said no way could they do that at this point. They already are taking out loans for college. My niece wanted to ask her grandparents for money (my BIL's parents) but she can't because they are already giving money for both girls to attend college.

I did tell my sister last night that she needs to tell my niece that she can't contribute or pay as much as she thought and she needs to tell her right now. My sister was crying to me on the phone because my niece and her got in a big fight once my sister told my niece said she can't afford to pay the deposit for the caterer right now.

My sister has paid the one deposit to secure the location which is a B&B. According to my niece, the agreement is to rent out the entire B&B for a weekend and that the agreement is non-refundable and non-changeable so they have to go through with the agreement. They also say you have to use certain caterers and equipment rentals places as well. I am not sure if this is all true or if perhaps my niece is misunderstanding the agreements or if she just don't want to change the plans at this point.



And yes, they are both really young and if it was my child, I would have encouraged them to wait a while to get engaged and married.

They are going to rent a B&B for a whole weekend? That's crazy. She should just forfeit her deposit and restart with planning, because your sister is going to lose so much more money paying for the "certain caterers,etc" that the B&B uses. I'm sure they will be expensive. And a wedding that lasts a weekend will be $$$.

Your sister is upset because now her daughter is becoming aware of how bad of financially her mom and dad are. Your sister needs to pay down all of those loans and credit cards.

And you need to stay out of it, but if you do say more, tell them to dro pthe B&B.

Renting the whole B&B seemed to be more common than I personally would have thought. My niece looked at a couple of them and they all had the same stipulation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Given that they've already put down 50 percent of the venue cost, perhaps they can plan a smaller, less expensive wedding at the same location. But first, your sister needs to banish all thoughts of borrowing money to pay for this wedding and only offer to pay what the family can legitimately afford. And your niece needs to grow up and accept that while it's totally understandable that she's disappointed, throwing tantrums is not the way to handle it. This is not going to be the last disappointment she faces as an adult. She needs to sit down with her parents and figure out what they can actually contribute, and figure out how to plan a wedding that's actually within her budget. Her fiance sounds pretty mature about this; if I were him, I would be thinking long and hard about whether I wanted to marry someone so immature.

So the latest seems to be that they are keeping the location but trimming the guest list down but will also hold an additional reception later on at my sister's home for friends/family they couldn't invite. I think this is a silly idea but I said "ok sounds like a plan" to avoid being sucked in. My BIL actually got the B&B owner to let them out of using their approved vendor for catering and is letting them use a family friend to help reduce costs.

My niece has one more semester of college but she is stretching it out to a year. Her degree is something like Liberal Arts with a concentration in writing?? Last night she triumphantly told me that she has decided on a career path for sure - she wants to go into personal financial wealth management. I swear it took everything in me not to crack up laughing. My DH had to leave the room! I asked her what got her interested in that and she said a friend who had graduated already and gotten into a training program for this and was telling her about how well she is doing and all the money she is making. On one hand I think - ugh terrible she will lose money for her clients and the other hand I think good, maybe she will learn to manage money better than her parents.

Well, well. You know, despite the heartache, this whole situation might be a great learning experience for your niece. And her choice of career is definitely interesting.

[Anonymous]

You sound judgemental. I hope a lot of what you posted is fiction.
I would not so quickly call her immature, to have to redo a complete wedding is going to be disappointing.
But you should not have commented about them not getting married. Her college major or career choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound judgemental. I hope a lot of what you posted is fiction.
I would not so quickly call her immature, to have to redo a complete wedding is going to be disappointing.
But you should not have commented about them not getting married. Her college major or career choice.

Hello Niece.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound judgemental. I hope a lot of what you posted is fiction.
I would not so quickly call her immature, to have to redo a complete wedding is going to be disappointing.
But you should not have commented about them not getting married. Her college major or career choice.

Hello Niece.

no I am not her.
Should the wedding card include a link to this forum thread?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound judgemental. I hope a lot of what you posted is fiction.
I would not so quickly call her immature, to have to redo a complete wedding is going to be disappointing.
But you should not have commented about them not getting married. Her college major or career choice.

Hello Niece.

no I am not her.
Should the wedding card include a link to this forum thread?

You may not be her, but you are definitely grouchy.

Did this thread hit a nerve? You are overreacting.

[Anonymous]

Stay far away from this. Your sister did wrong, but your niece has to accept it.
And so do you