Should my sister have to pay for the wedding?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My sister has paid the one deposit to secure the location which is a B&B. According to my niece, the agreement is to rent out the entire B&B for a weekend and that the agreement is non-refundable and non-changeable so they have to go through with the agreement. They also say you have to use certain caterers and equipment rentals places as well. I am not sure if this is all true or if perhaps my niece is misunderstanding the agreements or if she just don't want to change the plans at this point.



And yes, they are both really young and if it was my child, I would have encouraged them to wait a while to get engaged and married.

this is very late in the game to cancel and plan everything over again. Looks like you will have to forfeit the deposit and pick another date.

[Anonymous]

This is basically what I experienced when I got into my first choice, very pricey SLAC.

[Anonymous]

Your sister needs to contact the B&B and read the fine print of the contract. She should pay whatever needs to be paid to cancel the event, but depending on how far in the future the event is, it may just be a matter of forfeiting the deposit.

And then I think you need to stay out of it, unless your niece comes to you directly to complain. In that case, you should say that you understand that she is upset and angry, and that your sister should not have made a promise she couldn't keep. However, the best thing she can do is let that go and work on planning a wedding that she can afford. Offer to help, if you can--researching new venues, offering whatever DIY skills you have, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your sister needs to contact the B&B and read the fine print of the contract. She should pay whatever needs to be paid to cancel the event, but depending on how far in the future the event is, it may just be a matter of forfeiting the deposit.

And then I think you need to stay out of it, unless your niece comes to you directly to complain. In that case, you should say that you understand that she is upset and angry, and that your sister should not have made a promise she couldn't keep. However, the best thing she can do is let that go and work on planning a wedding that she can afford. Offer to help, if you can--researching new venues, offering whatever DIY skills you have, etc.

Bingo. Great post.

OP, as others have asked, when is this wedding? If it's far enough off, there may be loopholes to get out of it that the bride just doesn't see (or doesn't want to see). If your sister contacts the B&B she may find that she only owes a deposit. Is sister letting daughter be the sole go-between and source of information about these contractual details like "the B&B forces us to use these vendors" etc.? Your sister should have a copy of all contracts etc. already and should know for herself what is or is not covered, how deposit refunds work, deadlines for cancellations, etc. I'd really pick up the phone ASAP if I were sister. Maybe you can simply suggest that sister find out what the deal is. I'm not saying niece is lying, but niece sounds so young that she likely hasn't ever asked about "What if things go wrong and we have to cancel?"

I like the response above that you can use if your niece vents to you about this. You don't want to badmouth your sister, who after all has admitted she was wrong to over-promise. The response above acknowledges niece's emotions but focuses on moving on and not making this about her mother/your sister.

[Anonymous]

This was very poorly managed on your sister's part, and there's nothing you can do to ameliorate the situation. You weighing in will only up the family drama. Stay out of it and be a gracious guest at the wedding. Don't say a word about the decor, or anything that hints at the budget they do ultimately end up with.

[Anonymous]

I think they need to come up with a set amount. I got 20k, as did all my siblings. Only paid for a fraction of my wedding, but was equal for all siblings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your sister needs to contact the B&B and read the fine print of the contract. She should pay whatever needs to be paid to cancel the event, but depending on how far in the future the event is, it may just be a matter of forfeiting the deposit.

And then I think you need to stay out of it, unless your niece comes to you directly to complain. In that case, you should say that you understand that she is upset and angry, and that your sister should not have made a promise she couldn't keep. However, the best thing she can do is let that go and work on planning a wedding that she can afford. Offer to help, if you can--researching new venues, offering whatever DIY skills you have, etc.

Yes, do this.

The more you get sucked in, the more *you* will be expected to pay!

It's beyond shameful that your sister pulled this fast one on her own daughter. I got married at 23, and would have been shocked to hear that my parents could not afford to pay their agreed portion of my wedding, despite their promises. It's such a breach of trust.

Your niece did nothing wrong here. Plenty of people marry responsibly at that age. If the invitations haven't been sent out yet, perhaps the best thing to do would be to postpone the wedding for a bit, until the animosity dies down. The moral of the story is that she can't trust her mother (sad).

[Anonymous]

OP, has your sister ever borrowed money from you? I ask because this situation reminds me of one that my parents went through a few years ago. My aunt didn't budget correctly for my cousin's wedding (but didn't let on that this was the case) and a week before the wedding (one week!) my aunt called my mother and told her that if they didn't come up with $5,000 in the next three days, my cousin couldn't have her wedding the next weekend. My parents were PISSED but on the same token, didn't want my cousin to have to suffer because my aunt and uncle are morons. So they gave the money as a "loan" and five years later, not a cent has been seen.

Tread carefully OP and only get involved to the point if you can help bring the costs down. The more you get involved, the higher your chances of footing part of this bill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your sister needs to contact the B&B and read the fine print of the contract. She should pay whatever needs to be paid to cancel the event, but depending on how far in the future the event is, it may just be a matter of forfeiting the deposit.

And then I think you need to stay out of it, unless your niece comes to you directly to complain. In that case, you should say that you understand that she is upset and angry, and that your sister should not have made a promise she couldn't keep. However, the best thing she can do is let that go and work on planning a wedding that she can afford. Offer to help, if you can--researching new venues, offering whatever DIY skills you have, etc.

Bingo. Great post.

OP, as others have asked, when is this wedding? If it's far enough off, there may be loopholes to get out of it that the bride just doesn't see (or doesn't want to see). If your sister contacts the B&B she may find that she only owes a deposit. Is sister letting daughter be the sole go-between and source of information about these contractual details like "the B&B forces us to use these vendors" etc.? Your sister should have a copy of all contracts etc. already and should know for herself what is or is not covered, how deposit refunds work, deadlines for cancellations, etc. I'd really pick up the phone ASAP if I were sister. Maybe you can simply suggest that sister find out what the deal is. I'm not saying niece is lying, but niece sounds so young that she likely hasn't ever asked about "What if things go wrong and we have to cancel?"

I like the response above that you can use if your niece vents to you about this. You don't want to badmouth your sister, who after all has admitted she was wrong to over-promise. The response above acknowledges niece's emotions but focuses on moving on and not making this about her mother/your sister.

It turns out that basically my BIL did this over the weekend. He contacted the B&B himself because my niece nor my sister would actually let him see the contract. My sister feels very guilty about the situation and really is still pushing to get a loan. She waffles depending on the day - one day she feels guilty the next she feels her daughter is being entitled and immature. So BIL stepped in and just called the place. The wedding is scheduled for the fall of 2016.

The B&B does say they have to use vendors on their approved list and yes, they had to rent out the entire thing. Apparently, in the contract, they already specified which vendors from the approved list my niece agreed to use and I think my niece may have mistakenly believed that this was then a contract with those vendors and didn't realize that she actually had to approach those vendors and get a contract with them. The contract with the B&B can be cancelled but they would have to then forfeit the deposit which turned out to be 50%. Both my sister and niece are venting and asking me for advice along with my other niece (the younger sister of the bride) who is now worried about how her college tuition is going to be paid for since she feels all the money is going to her older sisters wedding. My BIL told the B&B they were cancelling and this caused a huge fight over the weekend between everyone and I received a lot of tearful phone calls and too many texts.

The situation also caused a big fight between my niece and her fiancee and I am actually wondering if the will even make it to the wedding. Fiancee was actually pretty reasonable about the whole thing and just suggested that he and my niece pay for something small they could afford. My niece then went ballistic claiming he didn't understand her and didn't want her to be happy. and it just apparently went on from there but the worst part was this all took place as a screaming match right outside my sister's house on the front porch and it was from what I heard quite a spectacle with neighbors watching and everything.

Anyway, yes, going forward I am going to now just mind my own business and let them vent away but not offer any advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, my sister and BIL are pretty bad with financial management. They have lots of credit card debt they have been carrying for years as well as using personal loans. It's one of the reasons my sister thought nothing of taking out a a loan to pay for the wedding. When her DH found out about her offering to take out a loan he stepped in and said no way could they do that at this point. They already are taking out loans for college. My niece wanted to ask her grandparents for money (my BIL's parents) but she can't because they are already giving money for both girls to attend college.

I did tell my sister last night that she needs to tell my niece that she can't contribute or pay as much as she thought and she needs to tell her right now. My sister was crying to me on the phone because my niece and her got in a big fight once my sister told my niece said she can't afford to pay the deposit for the caterer right now.

My sister has paid the one deposit to secure the location which is a B&B. According to my niece, the agreement is to rent out the entire B&B for a weekend and that the agreement is non-refundable and non-changeable so they have to go through with the agreement. They also say you have to use certain caterers and equipment rentals places as well. I am not sure if this is all true or if perhaps my niece is misunderstanding the agreements or if she just don't want to change the plans at this point.



And yes, they are both really young and if it was my child, I would have encouraged them to wait a while to get engaged and married.

HOLY S****

[Anonymous]

I can't be the only one thinking that the Sister and BIL poor money management has obviously leaked down to their daughter.
Hopefully this wedding fiasco will be a wake up call for the entire family.

[Anonymous]

Ok, OP, take some deep breaths. The wedding is not for another year and a half.
Something will work out, and you can slowly back away while murmuring supportive things to everyone involved

Also I'm just curious, is the bride to be in school? Career? What about the fiancé? From what you have said the bride doesn't seem to have a good handle on money management/finances either if she was so confused about the contract and is upset her parents won't take on more debt to finance her wedding

[Anonymous]

A few thoughts-

can the wedding be done at that same B&B but on a budget? (fewer guests, candle centerpieces instead of flowers, a buffet brunch or "cake and punch" reception instead of a full meal with booze)

when parents said they would pay for the wedding, i think they should honor that with regard to the reception (but ensure that guest list is small and the affair is as close to within their budget as possible). however, the couple can foot the bill for dress, makeup/hair, transportation, ceremony costs, etc...

if they are using outside vendors, i wouldn't think the contract has a minimum food & bev charge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your sister needs to contact the B&B and read the fine print of the contract. She should pay whatever needs to be paid to cancel the event, but depending on how far in the future the event is, it may just be a matter of forfeiting the deposit.

And then I think you need to stay out of it, unless your niece comes to you directly to complain. In that case, you should say that you understand that she is upset and angry, and that your sister should not have made a promise she couldn't keep. However, the best thing she can do is let that go and work on planning a wedding that she can afford. Offer to help, if you can--researching new venues, offering whatever DIY skills you have, etc.

Bingo. Great post.

OP, as others have asked, when is this wedding? If it's far enough off, there may be loopholes to get out of it that the bride just doesn't see (or doesn't want to see). If your sister contacts the B&B she may find that she only owes a deposit. Is sister letting daughter be the sole go-between and source of information about these contractual details like "the B&B forces us to use these vendors" etc.? Your sister should have a copy of all contracts etc. already and should know for herself what is or is not covered, how deposit refunds work, deadlines for cancellations, etc. I'd really pick up the phone ASAP if I were sister. Maybe you can simply suggest that sister find out what the deal is. I'm not saying niece is lying, but niece sounds so young that she likely hasn't ever asked about "What if things go wrong and we have to cancel?"

I like the response above that you can use if your niece vents to you about this. You don't want to badmouth your sister, who after all has admitted she was wrong to over-promise. The response above acknowledges niece's emotions but focuses on moving on and not making this about her mother/your sister.

It turns out that basically my BIL did this over the weekend. He contacted the B&B himself because my niece nor my sister would actually let him see the contract. My sister feels very guilty about the situation and really is still pushing to get a loan. She waffles depending on the day - one day she feels guilty the next she feels her daughter is being entitled and immature. So BIL stepped in and just called the place. The wedding is scheduled for the fall of 2016.

The B&B does say they have to use vendors on their approved list and yes, they had to rent out the entire thing. Apparently, in the contract, they already specified which vendors from the approved list my niece agreed to use and I think my niece may have mistakenly believed that this was then a contract with those vendors and didn't realize that she actually had to approach those vendors and get a contract with them. The contract with the B&B can be cancelled but they would have to then forfeit the deposit which turned out to be 50%. Both my sister and niece are venting and asking me for advice along with my other niece (the younger sister of the bride) who is now worried about how her college tuition is going to be paid for since she feels all the money is going to her older sisters wedding. My BIL told the B&B they were cancelling and this caused a huge fight over the weekend between everyone and I received a lot of tearful phone calls and too many texts.

The situation also caused a big fight between my niece and her fiancee and I am actually wondering if the will even make it to the wedding. Fiancee was actually pretty reasonable about the whole thing and just suggested that he and my niece pay for something small they could afford. My niece then went ballistic claiming he didn't understand her and didn't want her to be happy. and it just apparently went on from there but the worst part was this all took place as a screaming match right outside my sister's house on the front porch and it was from what I heard quite a spectacle with neighbors watching and everything.

Anyway, yes, going forward I am going to now just mind my own business and let them vent away but not offer any advice.

Your sister needs to got financial mangement counseling and your niece is too immature to get married. Holy Crap!If I was her future in-laws, I would be advising my son to think long and hard about attaching myself to that. If she does not have the wisdom to see that this is a financial disaster, then their marriage is in for trouble.

[Anonymous]

Don't most venues let you out of the contract if they are able to rebook the weekend? I would imagine that with that much lead time, someone else will book the B&B.