Should my sister have to pay for the wedding?

[Anonymous]

My niece got engaged back in the fall. She and her fiancee are young - both are 22. My sister was so excited and got caught up in the excitement and they started planning right away. During those earlier months, my sister repeatedly told my niece that they would pay for the wedding and take out a loan to cover anything they didn't have the money for. Fast forward a few months, my sister and BIL have come to their senses and realized that with 2 college tuitions to pay (my other niece starts college this coming Fall) and retirement not far off with not enough saved, that they can't afford to take out a loan to cover a wedding. My nieces is devastated and this has caused huge family arguments.

My niece went full steam ahead on planning, found a site, caterer, etc. She is saying it's unfair that her parents are backing out now and that they need to pay because they said they would. I tried to talk to my sister early on about making such promises and that it would be better to sit down with her DD and fiancee and come up with a very realistic amount they could contribute towards wedding expenses. She ended up getting mad at me and telling me it was none of my business and I would understand when my kids were getting married.

I admit - I am on the fence. Sure my niece is being whiny and needs to grow up a bit but then again she and her fiancee heard for months reassurance that my sister and BIL were going to cover the costs so I can't say they really did anything wrong. My sister even accompanied them to visit sites and caterers and paid at least one deposit so far. My sister is now telling me she doesn't know what to do and is really upset. Part of me wants to tell her to suck it up and pay.

[Anonymous]

Ugh, that's a tough situation. It's really unfair to your niece that she's put all of this time and effort into planning something based on your sister's promises, but it would be really foolish of your sister to go through with it if it means taking on debt and jeopardizing their financial security. I think she probably shouldn't pay for the wedding, but she owes her daughter and enormous apology, and should offer to cover all non-refundable deposits for vendors your niece has to cancel. Then your sister needs to figure out what they can afford to contribute, give the money directly to her daughter, and offer to help any way she can with finding a new site, vendors, etc. to fit the new budget. Hopefully in time your niece comes around, but there will probably be sore feelings for a while and your sister needs to accept that as the consequence of her mistake.

[Anonymous]

If your niece is mature enough to get married, she should be mature enough to manage disappointment in the face of financial reality with more grace than she's shown so far.

[Anonymous]

You can have a perfectly lovely wedding on a budget. Sounds like neice needs to get on board and focus on the fact that she has a loving fiancé and family and not on the party. Have a backyard small reception if need be. I'd love that actually.

[Anonymous]

This is prime MYOB territory and resist the "I told you so"s . Niece will have to learn to deal with disappointment.

[Anonymous]

People should not have parties they can not afford. Period. You niece is too young and immature to get married.

[Anonymous]

How far along are they in the planning process? How many deposits have they made and financial obligations have they made that they can't change at this point without it costing them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your niece is mature enough to get married, she should be mature enough to manage disappointment in the face of financial reality with more grace than she's shown so far.

Well said.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, stay out of it and your sister shouldn't pay anything she can't afford.

[Anonymous]

How far along are they in the process and when is the wedding?

Did your sister sign any of the contracts?

[Anonymous]

You should stay out of it. Your sister should not pay if it would truly jeopardize her retirement. But she should very sincerely apologize to your niece and admit that she was wrong to make those promises. Your niece probably does need to grow up, but she really is being negatively affected here. It's a hard life lesson that one's parents cannot be counted on to have good judgment.

[Anonymous]

Wow, this is really tough.

Your sister REPEATEDLY told her they would help her, and told her they would even take out loans to do it. I think blasting your niece is unfair - her MOTHER repeatedly said they would help. Is this a pattern with your sister? I mean really,if you can't count on your mom to keep her word, who can you count on?

That said, I think your sister needs to come up with an amount they can pay, that includes whatever deposits the couple has paid that they can't get back. Your poor niece. I think this is beyond issues with the wedding - I think your niece is about to see the real, adult version of her parents. It is hard when you really start to see your parents shortcomings.

[Anonymous]

In general, I'd say it's an MYOB moment. How expensive is it looking to be? Are there ways to cut it back? Perhaps it could be brought down to a level where the parents could afford to contribute? I think it's pretty rough to promise to pay for something and then essentially change your mind one the plans are in place.

[Anonymous]

Your sister needs to do the mature thing now: sit with her daughter and her fiancé and explain to them that when she did those promises to pay for the wedding she both: over estimated how much they could afford and underestimated the wedding costs. Now that she realistically looked at things, she is able to afford $X (she needs to be sure of this amount this time). She is very sorry she misled them initially, she really wishes she could afford more, and she will do everything to help them with organizing and getting a new wedding plan that fits the budget. And yes, I think she needs to honor some of the deposits already made.

Agree it was very stupid to over promise but there is no point looking back. I can understand the niece's frustration but she will get over it and once married for some time will understand that the wedding / party / dress etc are such a tiny and inconsequential thing in a marriage (unless it's expense makes you broke).

[Anonymous]

Agree with the others that you want to stay clear of this family dispute. Do NOT take sides or offer advice or feedback because someone will resent you afterwards. Just be supportive in a non-judgmental way and give the newlyweds a generous gift check.