In shock - he cheated

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who was besotted with her boyfriend, just crazed out of her mind. They had some problems before the marriage, and they split up, but then got back together, and got married. Yea! Everything was beautiful and perfect for a while. Actually, her husband told her on the honeymoon that marriage wasn't all it's cracked up to be!!! Oooops! She was beyond ashamed that she'd married this man, but stuck with him because, as I mentioned earlier, she was mad with love for this man. It got worse. He propositioned a co-worker of hers, who eventually told my friend about it. Her DH said the co-worker imagined it. Then she found out he'd been secretly watching porn, so much so that he'd racked up huge debts, secretly, from his porn addiction. She'd thought he was working late, but he was spending all night watching porn, then getting up and going to work! About six months into the marriage, she filed for divorce, still besotted with this man, still so sad she could barely stand up or speak, so heartbroken she cried all the time, all day every day, even took time off from work because of her heartbreak.
She's divorced and has found a nice, stable, reliable, wonderful man with none of the issues her former love had. She's still in a bad place re: marriage (she won't get married), but at least she got out and got into a good relationship. I mention this because your story sounds a bit similar to my friend's story. They'd had a long-distance relationship prior to getting married, and yes, as it turned out, he'd been cheating on her the entire time, during their engagement, and then after they were married. She knew nothing, so in love was she! Blind, I'd say, but I'd never say it to her face.
I don't think I'd cut and run, OP. You need to figure out what YOU have done to cause this situation. Life is not black and white, cut and dried, good and bad, and neither are people. If your pattern is to cut and run, then I advise you not to do that in this instance. Work out why you fell in love with this man, what red flags were there that you ignored, whether or not you can move beyond this. I'm not saying you can, and in the end you may split up, but you won't learn anything about yourself by leaving, and if you do, you'll probably repeat the same pattern all over again with the next guy.
Good luck to you OP. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

This is a hard one. I did something similar. Got caught. I would never do it again and I like to think I'm a good spouse. We are in love and together u til the end. People make mistakes. You need to decide if he truly is remorseful and if he will keep his dick in his pants because he wants to,not because you're making him.

[Anonymous]

If it was before you were living in the same place and your gut is telling you to stick it out, then stick it out. However, I'm a little surprised you married a guy after having NEVER lived in the same place as him. I mean, that's pretty f'ing crazy. Do you feel like you could really know him? Maybe this is his true self.

[Anonymous]

Better before the wedding than after.

You aren't humiliated. Humiliated is what happened to other women he dumped to be with you.

You wanted to be cut and dry about it, there it is.

[Anonymous]

Not an uncommon story. You'd be surprised how many men rationalize that cheating isn't cheating until they say "I Do"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks from OP. It is helpful to read through these messages. I am too ashamed and it is too new for me to talk to anyone in my life right now. I contacted my EAP program to set up an individual counseling session and couples therapy. DH has said he will go to individual counseling as well. My goal is to hang on to the boards and my thoughts for a few days until I can get an appointment.

I keep looking at this from two angles -- #1. He was wrong and indiscreet and did it as a last hurrah before getting married. Now that we are physically in the same city, sharing a home, and now married, and it is all "real," he has left that side behind and is focused on us and our future. Or angle #2. All of #1 plus he is a pathological liar who cannot be trusted.

I honestly feel like I do not know who I married. When we talked last night, I felt like I was talking to a stranger or that I was watching an awful Lifetime movie. I can't believe I put everything on the line for him and gave him my absolute trust, and he has destroyed everything. If I leave, he understands that I am a 100% clean break type of person. He knows if I leave him I will wipe all traces of him from my life and never speak to him again. But I have been here before, coming out of bad breakups with two serious BFs where I cut all ties immediately, and while it was a good high road to take, it took me years to personally recover and open my heart.

Right now I feel like I wasted four years of my life. As wonderful as our best times have been, today I wish I had never met him. It sounds dramatic, but I feel like he has ruined so much. He has ruined what I had thought was a happy past. He has clearly ruined the present, what is supposed to be our honeymoon phase and new life. And he has most likely ruined our future. Moreover, whether this works out with him or not, I feel like his behaviors have impacted my future, individually. Either I stay and always feel worried he is being unfaithful, or I leave and always wonder if it was a mistake to do so. And I worry that his actions might wind up ruining my chances of being a mother. Clearly, we will put baby making on hold. But I'm looking towards the south side of my 30s -- if we put it off and stay together it may never happen for us as we get older. Will I always resent him for that? If I leave and start over, I may never find someone to partner with and parent with. And the resentment and anger would only grow. Either way I just lose.

24 hours ago my world was fantastic and now it is a heap of absolute shit.

See the bolded. Flash forward 5-10 years. Once you have kids it will be impossible to cut ties and never talk to him again.

I am the same type of person. But- what sucks you can't so that when kids and custody are involved.

You are newly married with no kids. This is not the best start to a marriage. This is the time it's the easiest.

That said--the bar for me to stay at your stage would be much higher and my advice much different than I'd give somebody with kids and many years of marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OK, I am going to take a different tack here. I think the OW did this to eff with your husband because she lost him to you. Please look closely at the time line. PP suggested it. When did all this happen with her? Had he proposed to you? Does she have anything from after you were engaged or after you were married. While it may hurt if he had relations with you before you were married, he did not break his marriage vows. It may be schematics, but it is worth considering.

He married you, not her. He is trying to have a baby with you, not her.

I say let this play out first before you completely jump ship.

plus 1

[Anonymous]

Forget about what he did before you were married. You have a kid now. And he's been faithful. You sound like a jealous freak.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Forget about what he did before you were married. You have a kid now. And he's been faithful. You sound like a jealous freak.

My understanding is there is "no kid." And, no, she does not sound like a "jealous freak" at all...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Forget about what he did before you were married. You have a kid now. And he's been faithful. You sound like a jealous freak.

My understanding is there is "no kid." And, no, she does not sound like a "jealous freak" at all...

Wtf? TROLL and an asshole

[Anonymous]

Clarification. ..I was commenting on the previous post. To the person who said she was a jealous freak...that person is a troll.

[Anonymous]

The problem is that he thought it was okay to sleep or date another woman after agreeing to be exclusive with you. He is mid 40s and told you he did not know why he did it? He knows just does not want to tell you again. If he could not do long distance he should have told you. He took the selfish way out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Better before the wedding than after.

You aren't humiliated. Humiliated is what happened to other women he dumped to be with you.

You wanted to be cut and dry about it, there it is.

Why in the world would they be humiliated? They had relationships that ended. There is no reason anyone should be humiliated here.

[Anonymous]

Nope. Not a troll or an AH- just a pragmatist. Leave it be or ruin your life with the drama. Up to you OP. Single is single. Married is married. Until DH cheats when you are married you don't have a marital problem unless you make one. And btw stop snooping around your DH's emails - particularly old ones. Yikes! He actually has almost equal grounds to leave you IMO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The OW is a shit stirrer. This is why you just can't cheat- you can't trust that the affair partner won't blow your world up like this. Not excusing the DH necessarily (though I do think it's wise to consider therapy vs divorce if this really all ended when you moved to the same city and got married) but why did the OW feel the need to unload on OP like this??

Did you even read the OP? The woman who contacted OP was not the "other woman", she had no idea OP existed. The woman probably unloaded because she wishes another woman would've unloaded the truth onto her.
Wow, anything to NOT blame the man, huh?