Vent: clueless dh

[Anonymous]

OP I'm so sorry you are in this situation. I snarked about hitting him with the boot and I'm sorry about that too, this is so much worse!

I second the advice about printing all of this out and getting to a therapist. Please stop thinking this is your doing and that you are the one with the problem and do this for you and your children.

I'm going to be honest with you and I say this is the kindest way possible. I am always the one to advocate for therapy and working on a marriage and giving it all you've got before divorce, but if I were in the situation I would make plans to leave as soon as possible. I'd be seeing a lawyer now.

You said you decided early on that he was "the one" and I think that probably blinded you to some serious red flags. Stop ignoring and excusing them and do something about it now before you are 20 years in to a loveless and miserable marriage. You keep excusing his behavior so I wonder what else you haven't told us.

Marriage is about an equal partnership, yes, and two people doing their part and pulling their weight. Marriage is also about being kind and compassionate to one another and yes going out of your way to make sure the other person, who you love and committed to, is happy and healthy. You deserve that. Everyone deserves that.

BTW your husband needs therapy too. I cannot imagine a person with a healthy body mind and soul doing this to his partner. Especially his pregnant wife, especially his wife in labor. Jesus Christ, he wanted you to drive yourself to the hospital! How would you feel if your sister, best girlfriend or daughter was in that situation. Seriously I teared up reading that second post and this is an anonymous internet forum. It is that serious.

[Anonymous]

Op here. I am swinging wildly back and forth on an emotional pendulum. I spent 5 hours crying in bed last night, contemplating my future, my children's future, and just feeling incredibly sad. And when I woke up this morning, I was drawn back to normalcy.

And then it seemed kind of crazy that one day, it pissed me off that my dh did not carry the carseat and baby for me, then I decided to vent on the internet, and suddenly I'm considering divorce. Obviously there's a lot of history there, and old triggers to past hurts, but barring the past, that is exactly what happened in the present.

I just always thought, the chivalrous, helpful husbands you guys mention - you are just the lucky ones.

And also, that everyone has their flaws. Everyone, including me. My husband's greatest one has always been his selfishness. But I'm not speaking lightly when I say that he's improved. He really has, especially after our daughter was old enough to understand us. At one point I told him, remember that she is learning how to be treated by men in her future, by watching how you treat me. And he got that and he really does try most times. But old habits die hard.

Growing up, he learned how women should be treated by watching his dad be a jerk to his mom. And I learned the same lessons from my own family. To be fair, my husband is much more helpful and supportive than my dad ever was to my mom. But we're both kind of "learning from scratch" on how to be good spouses, good parents.

The stories I told you, for one, they are in the past, and secondly, I still believe some cluelessness is to be blamed for it. For instance, his suggestion that I drive myself to the hospital when I'm in labor - and I basically said hell no. Afterward he just said, ok, well, I don't know how these things work, and that was that. No argument. Meanwhile, yes, of course I'm flabbergasted and fuming that he would even suggest it, and obviously it still gets to me after all this time. Many times, this is how it goes.

Other times, if I let my frustration show through too much, he goes into his defensive mode - he rationalizes/intellectualizes everything which he does incredibly well, and makes me even angrier, or he turns it around on me - he tries to convince me I'm crazy, delusional, irrational, etc. This is the part that makes him look like an asshole, the part I hate, the part that sometimes leaves me shaking.

Thank you all for the perspective, the support. I'm not sure where I'm going to go from here. I agree with all of you that I would benefit from therapy, so that's my first step and I'll sort the rest out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I am swinging wildly back and forth on an emotional pendulum. I spent 5 hours crying in bed last night, contemplating my future, my children's future, and just feeling incredibly sad. And when I woke up this morning, I was drawn back to normalcy.

And then it seemed kind of crazy that one day, it pissed me off that my dh did not carry the carseat and baby for me, then I decided to vent on the internet, and suddenly I'm considering divorce. Obviously there's a lot of history there, and old triggers to past hurts, but barring the past, that is exactly what happened in the present.

I just always thought, the chivalrous, helpful husbands you guys mention - you are just the lucky ones.

And also, that everyone has their flaws. Everyone, including me. My husband's greatest one has always been his selfishness. But I'm not speaking lightly when I say that he's improved. He really has, especially after our daughter was old enough to understand us. At one point I told him, remember that she is learning how to be treated by men in her future, by watching how you treat me. And he got that and he really does try most times. But old habits die hard.

Growing up, he learned how women should be treated by watching his dad be a jerk to his mom. And I learned the same lessons from my own family. To be fair, my husband is much more helpful and supportive than my dad ever was to my mom. But we're both kind of "learning from scratch" on how to be good spouses, good parents.

The stories I told you, for one, they are in the past, and secondly, I still believe some cluelessness is to be blamed for it. For instance, his suggestion that I drive myself to the hospital when I'm in labor - and I basically said hell no. Afterward he just said, ok, well, I don't know how these things work, and that was that. No argument. Meanwhile, yes, of course I'm flabbergasted and fuming that he would even suggest it, and obviously it still gets to me after all this time. Many times, this is how it goes.

Other times, if I let my frustration show through too much, he goes into his defensive mode - he rationalizes/intellectualizes everything which he does incredibly well, and makes me even angrier, or he turns it around on me - he tries to convince me I'm crazy, delusional, irrational, etc. This is the part that makes him look like an asshole, the part I hate, the part that sometimes leaves me shaking.

Thank you all for the perspective, the support. I'm not sure where I'm going to go from here. I agree with all of you that I would benefit from therapy, so that's my first step and I'll sort the rest out.

Oh honey. Good luck.

Also, stop making excuses for his asshole and borderline abusive behavior.

[Anonymous]

OP, props to you for reading this thread, which must have been painful, and for deciding to go to counseling. That is a very positive step to take!

[Anonymous]

Growing up, he learned how women should be treated by watching his dad be a jerk to his mom. And I learned the same lessons from my own family. To be fair, my husband is much more helpful and supportive than my dad ever was to my mom. But we're both kind of "learning from scratch" on how to be good spouses, good parents.

1) think hard about how you are both perpetuating these patterns for your children.

2) the fact that you started with a small vent and ended up contemplating divorce suggests that your feelings--anger, rage, fear, loss--are extremely deep. You have just been trying to keep the lid on things for so long because you know, if you actually got in touch with how you really really feel, it would be explosive, and you would be forced to make some changes that you're not ready for yet.

3)so, in that case, I would absolutely do counseling on your own. I think you are talking yourself off the ledge because its so scary, but also because you have been rationalizing his asshole behavior for so long, maybe you feel guilty or responsible or something. You do not have to put up with it. See a therapist, please. We are all rooting for you.