Vent: clueless dh

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op again. I'm in tears. I'm not sure it's just pms hormones or if it's because I'm realizing I've been living in denial for a decade, and that perhaps I did marry the wrong guy, and I'm only realizing it after having two children with him. I've always spoken highly of him to everyone close to me. I've even been in therapy before and I've always painted him as a really good guy to my therapist, that he was perfectly normal and that there was something wrong with me that I needed to fix.

Does it really sound that bad? Consider that you are just hearing the bad parts here. There are good parts too, although they seem fewer now than before. Also, you're hearing one perspective. I was a little shocked at the responses.... I honestly did not expect it. The mere thought of putting the kids through divorce is breaking my heart right now.

When our older child was younger, we used to put on act as if we were parents in love with each other. Because I wanted dc to see that her parents loved each other. But I can't bring myself to do it anymore, at least not well.

Oh, OP, honey...

Oh, honey.

There are always good parts.

You blame yourself. "You're hearing one perspective..."

And you don't think this is an abusive relationship?

Or... I'm not even going to Google that book you mentioned-- I'm guessing you're basically saying he doesn't beat you every night so you should be grateful?

You don't think you sound "beaten down?"

Honey.

Honey.

[Anonymous]

"Doesn't want to set a bad precedent?" Of being kind, caring, or helpful to his life partner?

What a dick.

[Anonymous]

What a douchecanoe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. you sound like you could benefit from counseling. You made a bad decision marrying this man. Divorce is not the solution (yet) because he will continue to treat you this way, set a bad example for the kids and worst of all you will pick another one just like him.

I don't understand why divorce is not the solution. She already acts like she is single. And he will continue to treat her this way. Why not get out? Start counseling and start the action plan to get out.

OP, I don't say this to be mean. I say this because the way you describe how he treats you makes me furious on your behalf and on behalf of your kids. You deserve better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. you sound like you could benefit from counseling. You made a bad decision marrying this man. Divorce is not the solution (yet) because he will continue to treat you this way, set a bad example for the kids and worst of all you will pick another one just like him.

I don't understand why divorce is not the solution. She already acts like she is single. And he will continue to treat her this way. Why not get out? Start counseling and start the action plan to get out.

OP, I don't say this to be mean. I say this because the way you describe how he treats you makes me furious on your behalf and on behalf of your kids. You deserve better.

And I wish I could give you a hug.

[Anonymous]

I wish your husband could spend a week with mine so he could show him how a good husband behaves.

You deserve much much better than you have. Seriously think about couple's therapy. He needs to be shown the error of his ways.

[Anonymous]

You've married a weak excuse for a man. I would suggest counseling but he sounds rather far gone in his behavior so I'd probably divorce and go find a real man.

[Anonymous]

I don't even know you, but I hope you end up with a good man eventually. My first husband was an asshole, fortunately I didn't have kids with him. He was just so self centered. My current husband is so great. I'm 14 weeks pregnant with our first. When I was feeling sick he would fix whatever my heart desired for dinner, he doesn't cook at all, but he stepped up. Choosing a car seat is overwhelming for me,so I asked him to be in charge of the car seat, I don't have to think of it again. He obligingly looked at my new maternity outfits and said how nice they look when I brought a big bag home today. Point is that he is a nice guy. My life is so much better for it. I never cry over things, I know I can lean on him when I need to, he has my back. Never carry anything unless I specifically say that I've got it. I hope you have someone that has your back someday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is your husband by chance from a culture where treating the female partner like a pack mule is normal and acceptable?

Also you say he was rude pre marriage, why did you marry him? Rich?

I'm married to a conservative Arab Muslim and he doesn't let me carry heavy stuff. If he forgets, all it takes is a meaningful look at whatever is on the floor (not in my hand) in need of carrying.

OP, this is not clueless. Clueless is not noticing you are inconvenienced. Your DH is actively refusing to help. That's not cool at all.

[Anonymous]

OP, my DH is very much on the "everyone should be self-sufficient" end of the spectrum...he prefers doing things for himself and others doing their own thing. It can be a source of friction for us, since I have very different standards for when/how people help each other out/split tasks. He was asked to travel during one of our IVF cycles, and he actually asked me if he needed to be at the transfer (FTR, he came). I did, however, later go to a frozen embryo transfer on my own...even though I know many IF veterans would never.

All of that being said, there is not a single example of your DH refusing to help you that you've given where mine wouldn't have pro-actively helped without being asked. Not one. Your situation is not just kind of his being a jerk. I don't know if it's actively abusive, but the fact that you don't seem to feel like you deserve more makes me wonder if he does verbally put you down a lot.

I don't know what the right solution is for your family, but I do think the starting place is finding a therapist with whom you can be honest about your relationship. Having spent decades protecting an emotionally manipulative mother, I can totally relate to whitewashing the truth for a therapist...but let me tell you that therapy doesn't work if you don't feel safe enough to say everything. So I encourage you to seek out (and try several if you must) a therapist to whom you feel able to tell all of the stuff you've posted here...this will likely be someone who will listen without jumping to conclusions about what you should do (leave him or whatever). You need to explore what's going on in a way that feels safe and low pressure.

Good luck OP, I do hope things start to feel better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op again. I'm in tears. I'm not sure it's just pms hormones or if it's because I'm realizing I've been living in denial for a decade, and that perhaps I did marry the wrong guy, and I'm only realizing it after having two children with him. I've always spoken highly of him to everyone close to me. I've even been in therapy before and I've always painted him as a really good guy to my therapist, that he was perfectly normal and that there was something wrong with me that I needed to fix.

Does it really sound that bad? Consider that you are just hearing the bad parts here. There are good parts too, although they seem fewer now than before. Also, you're hearing one perspective. I was a little shocked at the responses.... I honestly did not expect it. The mere thought of putting the kids through divorce is breaking my heart right now.

When our older child was younger, we used to put on act as if we were parents in love with each other. Because I wanted dc to see that her parents loved each other. But I can't bring myself to do it anymore, at least not well.

It actually does sound bad. I'm so sorry, I don't want to beat up on you. But your husband's behavior is all total bullshit. What do you mean he doesn't help you because he doesn't want to send a message to his daughter that women are weak? Weakness has nothing to do with carrying grocery bags. Look, every time we grocery shop, my DH makes our 4-year old son carry at least one bag ON PRINCIPLE because "you must help mama because she's a girl and girls don't carry heavy stuff, you are a man, and men carry heavy stuff". Seriously. It's not about weakness. You're supposed to want to make it easier for the person you love, not harder.

[Anonymous]

Who makes the money in your family?

[Anonymous]

Just another internet stranger chiming in to say that I'm sorry for you OP. The internet (and DCUM) is not normally a kind place -- but the responses that you're getting on this thread are telling. I wish I could give you a hug and a way out

All of the examples you've given are not examples of cluelessness, but they are examples of punishment and spite. It is like your husband hates you (or women?). Helping each other is what humans -- and especially spouses -- do.

Honestly, the car seat story didn't get me as much as the story of your boots and then your follow up reference to driving yourself to the hospital (WTF?!?!) and carrying your own bag while in labor. Even a stranger would help you with these things ...

[Anonymous]

Yes OP it does sound bad, but I think you should stop reading this thread. For ONCE all of DCUM has met the consensus that your husband does not seem to be a good person. Instead of reading all the nasty things we have to say about him, I think you should seek therapy and focus on your family. Good luck to you

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm so sorry. I'm not sure I have advice, just that I'm sorry your DH isn't the man you clearly want him to be.