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[quote=Anonymous]Op here.  I am swinging wildly back and forth on an emotional pendulum.  I spent 5 hours crying in bed last night, contemplating my future, my children's future, and just feeling incredibly sad.  And when I woke up this morning, I was drawn back to normalcy.

And then it seemed kind of crazy that one day, it pissed me off that my dh did not carry the carseat and baby for me, then I decided to vent on the internet, and suddenly I'm considering divorce.  Obviously there's a lot of history there, and old triggers to past hurts, but barring the past, that is exactly what happened in the present.

I just always thought, the chivalrous, helpful husbands you guys mention - you are just the lucky ones.

And also, that everyone has their flaws.  Everyone, including me.  My husband's greatest one has always been his selfishness.  But I'm not speaking lightly when I say that he's improved.  He really has, especially after our daughter was old enough to understand us.  At one point I told him, remember that she is learning how to be treated by men in her future, by watching how you treat me.  And he got that and he really does try most times.  But old habits die hard.

Growing up, he learned how women should be treated by watching his dad be a jerk to his mom.  And I learned the same lessons from my own family.  To be fair, my husband is much more helpful and supportive than my dad ever was to my mom. But we're both kind of "learning from scratch" on how to be good spouses, good parents.

The stories I told you, for one, they are in the past, and secondly, I still believe some cluelessness is to be blamed for it.  For instance, his suggestion that I drive myself to the hospital when I'm in labor - and I basically said hell no.  Afterward he just said, ok, well, I don't know how these things work, and that was that.  No argument.  Meanwhile, yes, of course I'm flabbergasted and fuming that he would even suggest it, and obviously it still gets to me after all this time.  Many times, this is how it goes.

Other times, if I let my frustration show through too much, he goes into his defensive mode - he rationalizes/intellectualizes everything which he does incredibly well, and makes me even angrier, or he turns it around on me - he tries to convince me I'm crazy, delusional, irrational, etc. This is the part that makes him look like an asshole, the part I hate, the part that sometimes leaves me shaking.

Thank you all for the perspective, the support.  I'm not sure where I'm going to go from here.  I agree with all of you that I would benefit from therapy, so that's my first step and I'll sort the rest out.

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