Depressed over lifestyle
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Anonymous
You don't sound terrible. You sound like a woman going through a huge lifestyle adjustment, and that is HARD. Any chance of relocation to where you could get some help with the kids and better job prospects? |
Anonymous
Oh my. No no no. Never, EVER prioritize college over retirement savings. You can borrow for college, but not for retirement. Max out retirement NOW. Then plan for college. |
Anonymous
Ok, just didn't think this particular post was that bad. Empathy can be hard to give if you haven't been in that position. Shrug. |
Anonymous
It's a vicious cycle. It's a no-win: kid either takes out (sometimes substantial) loans, or has to support parents in retirement. Sometimes both. So while you think you're doing your kids a favor, they're still paying up regardless, right? I agree you should save for retirement, I just think parents are in a tough spot and there's no easy answer- my dad's industry took a big hit so his earning potential dipped over time, my mom was never a high earner. They didn't save enough for either college or retirement. They did the best they could, but now that my student loans are payed off I'm nervous about their retirement. |
Anonymous
\ How many years has it been since the salary drop? If more than 2, you need to get over it and move on. I do think your mortgage and daycare expenses are normal for this area. The next thing I would consider is how much you are paying for your cars. If you are carrying car payments, you need to consider selling the cars and dropping down to something used that you can afford to buy in cash. This will save you money every month. |
Anonymous
| I think it is hard to go "backwards" with kids. For me, I could easily wear cheaper clothes, eat out less, have a crappier car, live someplace smaller, and not be considerably less happy. But the thought of your kids not having the educational opportunities you hoped they would, not having a yard etc., not having money to pay for extracurriculars is hard. So I have sympathy for the OP. |
Anonymous
That is what empathy is all about. You don't have to experience what the person is going through to have empathy. I'm not even remotely in the OPs position and can see where she is coming from. |
Anonymous
| I can't imagine living life everyday envying what others have. What a shitty waste of time. |
Anonymous
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OP- totally honest question: did you marry husband for his money? Consciously or unconsciously? I'm curious not wanting to snark on you.
(By the way, I have sympathy- sounds like a big adjustment and it makes sense that it's hard to adjust expectations) -Signed, a woman who makes WAY less than your family now |
Anonymous
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I'm in the same exact financial situation as OP, percentage-wise, and it's really really hard to just "accept and move on" when you slide backwards -- hard.
I know I need to do just that, accept, in order to be mentally healthy and not be bitter for the rest of my life (I'm 47 so things aren't going to really shoot back 'up' for me in the time I have left). I am beyond grateful that for the time being, I have my good health and so does DS. I try to focus on that. As someone who grew up happy and lower middle class, never ever knowing the "finer" things in life until her late 20s, I will say this: I found that it was much, MUCH easier to just never know about the things that come along with a high professional income in the first place, than to have enjoyed those things and have them yanked away from you abruptly. I'm serious. What's more, as an educated and supposedly enlightened woman who is surrounded by educated and enlightened peers, you can never, ever breathe word of these feelings of loss to your enlightened friends. One, because they will call you shallow for mourning the loss of "stuff." Two, because in many or all cases, they themselves are likely still living the good life themselves and can't relate (although they may mouth empathetic words if they are indeed good and loyal friends. Then they go to their personal trainer). So I quickly learned to internalize these feelings of loss, shame and envy. They're ugly, no one wants to hear them, they reflect badly on me ... but they're real. |
Anonymous
I feel where you're coming from, OP. Others may be perfectly happy living on less but there's no question that it's hard to adjust to a big drop in income. With that said, I do think it's possible to do better than $1,500/mo on daycare, depending where you live. We're in the Falls Church area and pay $1,200mo for a licensed in-home provider that we *love*. She's full now but had no waiting list at all when we first signed up two years ago. These options do exist but you have to hunt for them. |
Anonymous
I agree that it likely is hard to adjust, and feel badly for OP that she is going through a difficult time. That being said, OP feeling depressed or focusing on this issue is not helpful to her, and it is important to keep the issue in perspective. OP, in addition to your current social circle, I think it might help to try to make friends with some other families in your same income situation so that you are not always comparing yourself unfavorably to others. |
Anonymous
| I assume your husband was in Biglaw to be making that kind of money. What type of job is he in now? I ask because it's very likely this lower paying job will allow him to have more time with you and your child and will be much less stressful for him. I took a huge pay cut when I was able to leave Biglaw and my wife was thrilled that we would have more time together and I wouldn't be super stressed all the time. Our income is similar to yours and trust me, it's more than enough to have a happy life together. |
Anonymous
| If it makes you feel better, plenty of people in law make that kind of 'backwards' step all the time, on purpose. |
Anonymous
+1 |