Depressed over lifestyle

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is an attorney and lost his job when the legal market tanked. Our mortgage is 2400 per month and day care is 1500(find me something cheaper I beg you. Does not exist). After saving for retirement and college and paying bills and groceries we have no discretionary money. I am just sad at my reality. I am fully aware it's fine but it's not at all what I imagined. Disappointment

Work on grieving, OP. Maybe you just have to work through this like the death of a relative. Eventually you have to let it go. But you know that, I can see.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Now, all that said, I hope you think about the bigger picture here. Please, OP, encourage your daughter not to rely on her SES status and HHI to be soley the result of her husband's career and income. That is a very dangerous trap that women have fallen into for generations. That is why women usually end up with the proverbial short end of the stick in a divorce. It is why I would never be content as a full time SAHM. I grew up in a home with two married conventional parents. My mom, while an ivy league grad, stayed home once my brother and I were born and my dad was in charge of all their finances. Frankly, now that they are elderly, I dont think my mom has clue what their personal finances look like. That scares the crap out of me. I will not be that wife, that mom, that woman. Its the bigger picture here in my mind, OP.

+1

Your mother, ivy league educated, was a DUMBASS.

[Anonymous]

I would be very upset if my $300k salary dropped to $150k. I am trying to pay down my mortgage as fast as possible so if my salary ever does drop, I'll be able to handle it. At any rate, mourn for your old life for a little bit, then move on. You need to make a new normal lifestyle for yourself and your family. It won't be easy, but you can do it. You can still have some fun, you just need to dial down your expectations a little.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Shame on nasty posters who are denigrating Luray Caverns and Baltimore as vacation spots. They may not be your choice, but the mom is trying to give her child the vacation she can afford. You would berate her is she were running up her credit card by taking the child to Disney World. Giver her a break

+1

[Anonymous]

OP, I can relate a bit. My husband and I both work, and both make very decent salaries. Not BigLaw, or anywhere in that neighborhood, but plenty by any standard. But unlike most of our friends, we don't have wealthy families; we both have student loans from graduate studies; we didn't have help with a down payment and we can't expect help for our kids' college tuitions. This shouldn't be unusual, but honestly every single one of our friends and colleagues (in a not lucrative profession!) is in a different situation. They are in $1m homes, private schools, multiple nice vacations per year, and so on and so forth. We have a small old house in a good school district and only leave town to see family. We will never trade up houses, and we do necessary repairs and modest, cash-only renovation work when we can afford it. Everything else is plowed into college funds and retirement funds.

I'm the envious type; I could resent this all day long. And sometimes I do. But my husband, despite many many faults, is not the envious type. He actually doesn't care what other people have. And having come from nothing (a lot less than me), he is genuinely thrilled that he can save so much money for a rainy day now. I tell my kids (who don't complain either) that we are lucky to have what we have, and (just as my parents told me) everyone spends their money differently, and our priority is on making sure you can be whomever you want to be and get the best education possible.

So my advice for you is to remember your priorities in life, and take genuine comfort in the fact that you can fulfill them. Everything else, while nice to have, isn't what really matters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Shame on nasty posters who are denigrating Luray Caverns and Baltimore as vacation spots. They may not be your choice, but the mom is trying to give her child the vacation she can afford. You would berate her is she were running up her credit card by taking the child to Disney World. Giver her a break

+1

yep, i agree. those posters are just ..well... snobs.

At least we know they're waxed snobs.

Ha ha! Just trying to picture that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Shame on nasty posters who are denigrating Luray Caverns and Baltimore as vacation spots. They may not be your choice, but the mom is trying to give her child the vacation she can afford. You would berate her is she were running up her credit card by taking the child to Disney World. Giver her a break

Word. My childhood vacations included camping trips and visiting extended family (thankfully, a couple lived near a beach). And you know what? It was fun! lots of good memories. Kids aren't as judgemental as adults. Good for you PP for giving your child some experiences within your ability.

Yep, nothing wrong with those vacation spots!

[Anonymous]

So I quickly learned to internalize these feelings of loss, shame and envy. They're ugly, no one wants to hear them, they reflect badly on me ... but they're real.

Do you really think that is why people don't want to hear it (because it is ugly and reflects badly on you)? I think in general people have trouble hearing things that are negative or bad. It makes them very uncomfortable.

[Anonymous]

OP, I wonder if part of your bitterness is not really about the money but rather about feeling let down by your husband. Is it possible you feel (rationally or irrationally) that the layoff and inability to earn more is his fault? If this is part of the issue I'd say it's important to face it and be honest with yourself. If you do this you can begin working it through so that it doesn't continue to breed resentment in your marriage.

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel bad for you and can totally relate. While our HHI has plateaued rather than gone down, there was once the potential that we were going to make much more and that potential is no longer there. I've had somewhat of difficult time realizing that "this is it." My daydreams of a bigger house, nicer vacation, etc. have vanished.

We've been seriously considering moving. I suggest that you do the same. Many lawyers can make the same income in other parts of the country, but it will go a lot farther.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two things OP, one, I dont think you are terrible for feeling this way. You wanted a certain lifestyle, perhaps similar to how you grew up, and you thought you had done all the right things to end up with that lifestyle, then the bottom fell out. That sucks. I would feel the exact same way that you do. This isnt about other people who only make whatever your new HHI is, its about what YOU thought and wanted as your life. It sucks, no other way to say it, and I really do feel for you. That is a huge drop in HHI and SES; an entirely different life altogether. When you are done mourning (and that is what this sadness is) and ready to face the world again, start trying to figure out a new way to achieve what you want. It may be different jobs or even different careers for you and DH or maybe a move or starting a side business.

Now, all that said, I hope you think about the bigger picture here. Please, OP, encourage your daughter not to rely on her SES status and HHI to be soley the result of her husband's career and income. That is a very dangerous trap that women have fallen into for generations. That is why women usually end up with the proverbial short end of the stick in a divorce. It is why I would never be content as a full time SAHM. I grew up in a home with two married conventional parents. My mom, while an ivy league grad, stayed home once my brother and I were born and my dad was in charge of all their finances. Frankly, now that they are elderly, I dont think my mom has clue what their personal finances look like. That scares the crap out of me. I will not be that wife, that mom, that woman. Its the bigger picture here in my mind, OP.

Good luck.

The fact that your mother doesn't understand their finances has nothing to do with not working. She chose to stick her head in the sand. I am a SAHM and I am certain that I have a much better understanding of our finances than my husband. In the event of my death, I have left him the passwords to my spreadsheets and financial models so that he understands where everything is, as well as contact info for our accountant, estate lawyer and banker. Being a SAHM doesn't necessarily mean being out of the loop. If you are that kind of SAHM, well, shame on you. That seems quite dumb.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two things OP, one, I dont think you are terrible for feeling this way. You wanted a certain lifestyle, perhaps similar to how you grew up, and you thought you had done all the right things to end up with that lifestyle, then the bottom fell out. That sucks. I would feel the exact same way that you do. This isnt about other people who only make whatever your new HHI is, its about what YOU thought and wanted as your life. It sucks, no other way to say it, and I really do feel for you. That is a huge drop in HHI and SES; an entirely different life altogether. When you are done mourning (and that is what this sadness is) and ready to face the world again, start trying to figure out a new way to achieve what you want. It may be different jobs or even different careers for you and DH or maybe a move or starting a side business.

Now, all that said, I hope you think about the bigger picture here. Please, OP, encourage your daughter not to rely on her SES status and HHI to be soley the result of her husband's career and income. That is a very dangerous trap that women have fallen into for generations. That is why women usually end up with the proverbial short end of the stick in a divorce. It is why I would never be content as a full time SAHM. I grew up in a home with two married conventional parents. My mom, while an ivy league grad, stayed home once my brother and I were born and my dad was in charge of all their finances. Frankly, now that they are elderly, I dont think my mom has clue what their personal finances look like. That scares the crap out of me. I will not be that wife, that mom, that woman. Its the bigger picture here in my mind, OP.

Good luck.

The fact that your mother doesn't understand their finances has nothing to do with not working. She chose to stick her head in the sand. I am a SAHM and I am certain that I have a much better understanding of our finances than my husband. In the event of my death, I have left him the passwords to my spreadsheets and financial models so that he understands where everything is, as well as contact info for our accountant, estate lawyer and banker. Being a SAHM doesn't necessarily mean being out of the loop. If you are that kind of SAHM, well, shame on you. That seems quite dumb.

+1. I am also a SAHM who pays all the bills and manages the money. I provide DH with quarterly reports about how we're doing with contact info. Not knowing about your household finances is just stupid whether or not you are a SAHP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

So I quickly learned to internalize these feelings of loss, shame and envy. They're ugly, no one wants to hear them, they reflect badly on me ... but they're real.

Do you really think that is why people don't want to hear it (because it is ugly and reflects badly on you)? I think in general people have trouble hearing things that are negative or bad. It makes them very uncomfortable.

Nah, I have friends who are going through some tough times. Cheating husband, death of 2 family members one month apart, loss of a job, child diagnosed with severe SN, and a health problem to name a few of the things my friends are going through. I have no problem listening to them, trying to help them through the tough times, and just hearing all the shit they are dealing with. If I had a friend vent to me how sad they were that their HHI is 150K, and that after saving for college, retirement, etc., they don't have enough money to go out to eat, I'd probably feel less of them considering another friend is realizing that retirement may never be possible considering her kid will never be independent and will require a lifetime of costly therapies, treatments, and medical devices that are not all covered by insurance. I would just have a hard time being empathetic to someone like OP when I have friends other friends who put her problems into perspective.

Is that nice of me? Well no, but it's honest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is an attorney and lost his job when the legal market tanked. Our mortgage is 2400 per month and day care is 1500(find me something cheaper I beg you. Does not exist). After saving for retirement and college and paying bills and groceries we have no discretionary money. I am just sad at my reality. I am fully aware it's fine but it's not at all what I imagined. Disappointment

I'm a little confused at your math. I'm a single mom. I'm making $120K. I'm paying about what you're paying for mortgage and daycare. I'm saving $4K a year for son's college but much much less for my own retirement. When DS is 10, I plan to invert that and save more like $4K for my retirement and put aside more like $2K for his college, assuming things are still financially as they are now. Things are tight, but by no means terrible. We go out to eat about two times a week; I am able to have wonderful birthdays with him and buy him the presents I want to buy him; we are planning a vacation to Luray Caves and maybe another to Baltimore this summer... I don't seem to be as angry or resentful as you, and I just wonder what else is going on with your money. I drive an old late model cheapo but reliable car, so low insurance and no car payment. I don't have cable and have a boring cheapo phone ($35+ taxes a month). I keep our thermostat really low and buy some of my clothes at Goodwill.

I also have looked into the afterschool care and it's A LOT less, so I am optimistic in 2 years that maybe things will ease up (as I won't be paying for daycare.)

I'm honestly not trying to sound mean, but I am truly confused by why you'd be so upset at your finances...

Your vacations are crap. Your standards are low.

Luray and Baltimore are pretty bad. Both are a day trip, not a vacation.

Nasty and vicious!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Shame on nasty posters who are denigrating Luray Caverns and Baltimore as vacation spots. They may not be your choice, but the mom is trying to give her child the vacation she can afford. You would berate her is she were running up her credit card by taking the child to Disney World. Giver her a break

+1

+2

People are so awful