Depressed over lifestyle

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Shame on nasty posters who are denigrating Luray Caverns and Baltimore as vacation spots. They may not be your choice, but the mom is trying to give her child the vacation she can afford. You would berate her is she were running up her credit card by taking the child to Disney World. Giver her a break

+1

yep, i agree. those posters are just ..well... snobs.

At least we know they're waxed snobs.

[Anonymous]

OP - sorry for some of the horrible replies you have got here but it is important for your mental health that you reframe your problem.

We had a similar situation with my father - but in our case he died suddenly. My mum was SAHM and our income dropped drastically. It was traumatic beyond belief but we all pulled through.

My mother used the capital we had to pay for our education and did not save for retirement because she could not do both. We became frugal and cut costs where we could. My mother had to cope with the status change with her social group as well - we simply could not afford to keep up with them.

My mother today has no money for retirement. But my siblings and I are (touchwood) doing well and we look after her and support her.

I understand the trauma of a big income drop but as PPs say - you all have your health and each other. It is up to you to decide how you want to play that card. Resentment and bitterness will eat you and your DH up and be passed on to your child. YOu may be cash poor but please dont become really poor in everything that matters.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Wait, you are still in the same house making 150K as you were making 400K? Isn't your mortgage eating up a lot of your income? Is there any possibility to sell and downsize?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is an attorney and lost his job when the legal market tanked. Our mortgage is 2400 per month and day care is 1500(find me something cheaper I beg you. Does not exist). After saving for retirement and college and paying bills and groceries we have no discretionary money. I am just sad at my reality. I am fully aware it's fine but it's not at all what I imagined. Disappointment

We have never paid that much for a single child in daycare and have had excellent caretakers. It's out there. At any rate, how about focusing on when you are finished with the daycare payment? Then you will have another $1k per month to play with (I am figuring you will need before/after care). Or then you could afford a second. What about finding a way to bring in more money? Side gigs? Can you make more? Not that $150k is anything to sneeze at, but who says it has to be permanent?

Where do you live? My children went to a home daycare and even then it was $1200/mo and that was a bargain. I lucked out and found her after going to no less than 15 home daycares that were complete disasters. I had to get my 2nd child on her wait list the day I found out I was pregnant. She runs a year wait. This is Arlington.

Silver Spring - close in but not downtown. In home daycares run about $250/wk, and centers run about $1200-1300 for toddlers/preschoolers.

I don't want to hijack the thread but would love some recommendations for in home daycares (and the centers you reference). Also close in SS and trying to build my database for once we're pregnant!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - sorry for some of the horrible replies you have got here but it is important for your mental health that you reframe your problem.

We had a similar situation with my father - but in our case he died suddenly. My mum was SAHM and our income dropped drastically. It was traumatic beyond belief but we all pulled through.

My mother used the capital we had to pay for our education and did not save for retirement because she could not do both. We became frugal and cut costs where we could. My mother had to cope with the status change with her social group as well - we simply could not afford to keep up with them.

My mother today has no money for retirement. But my siblings and I are (touchwood) doing well and we look after her and support her.

I understand the trauma of a big income drop but as PPs say - you all have your health and each other. It is up to you to decide how you want to play that card. Resentment and bitterness will eat you and your DH up and be passed on to your child. YOu may be cash poor but please dont become really poor in everything that matters.

Good luck!

Great post. +100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait, you are still in the same house making 150K as you were making 400K? Isn't your mortgage eating up a lot of your income? Is there any possibility to sell and downsize?

Yeah that's my thought too- $2400 isn't bad (if this was the same house you lived in when you made $400k, I'm impressed actually- very smart), but it would help if you could find somewhere where you could save even a few hundred a month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it makes you feel better, at least you have the husband! I don't, so I'm trying to raise my daughter in an expensive area on less than $100K salary. And no time/money to date since I have primary (most days) custody.) Most of my friends are either married with kids and pretty well-off or single and child-free and pretty well-off. I don't get to do much either.

Feel better? It could be worse. And this could be temporary. Try to see it as a phase on the way to better things.

What a truly obnoxious post.

[Anonymous]

Time for room mates!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think I know how you feel. I will get flamed but I too would advise you to cut down on savings. Definitely no retirement savings for H until he gets back on his feet. And college savings reduce the chances of getting a need based scholarship. Stock up some cash/make investments for a rainy day but don't overthink this. Yes you may not be able to afford retirement in a fancy community, but you won't starve and you won't be homeless. If you concentrate on keeping a healthy mind in a healthy body, I am sure you won't be a burden on your kid or kids.
I would not have a second child but that's just me. I am sure you will be able to afford a second child once the older one is in K.

I know we live in a crazy bubble here, but if you make $150K, your kid is not going to get need-based financial aid at most schools.

Keep saving for retirement. Find inexpensive fun things to do--this area is full of free museums and parks. National parks are not free, but admission is pretty cheap and an annual pass can be a real bargain. Take overnight trips to nearby locations. There are lots of places to go wine-tasting nearby, which is inexpensive. Buy discount tickets to performances on Goldstar, or go to the Kennedy Center's Millenium Stage for a free show every night at 6:00. We watch a lot of movies on Netflix--a foreign film, a bottle of wine, and some chocolate is a nice in-home date night. Find neighbors or friends to trade babysitting with so you can get out. Keep exercising--take walks as a family, jog around the block, etc. Some yoga studios give you free/discounted passes if you volunteer. Buy cheaper groceries--eat more vegetarian meals and less meat, which is expensive. Reconsider your bills--can you get a cheaper cable/phone package? Are you doing all you can to reduce your energy usage and minimize your utilities?

I hate to play Debbie Downer but they might not be making even that when their child goes to college. They might be temporarily unemployed. Etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it makes you feel better, at least you have the husband! I don't, so I'm trying to raise my daughter in an expensive area on less than $100K salary. And no time/money to date since I have primary (most days) custody.) Most of my friends are either married with kids and pretty well-off or single and child-free and pretty well-off. I don't get to do much either.

Feel better? It could be worse. And this could be temporary. Try to see it as a phase on the way to better things.

What a truly obnoxious post.

Why? It's called perspective. (Not the PP)

[Anonymous]

Two things OP, one, I dont think you are terrible for feeling this way. You wanted a certain lifestyle, perhaps similar to how you grew up, and you thought you had done all the right things to end up with that lifestyle, then the bottom fell out. That sucks. I would feel the exact same way that you do. This isnt about other people who only make whatever your new HHI is, its about what YOU thought and wanted as your life. It sucks, no other way to say it, and I really do feel for you. That is a huge drop in HHI and SES; an entirely different life altogether. When you are done mourning (and that is what this sadness is) and ready to face the world again, start trying to figure out a new way to achieve what you want. It may be different jobs or even different careers for you and DH or maybe a move or starting a side business.

Now, all that said, I hope you think about the bigger picture here. Please, OP, encourage your daughter not to rely on her SES status and HHI to be soley the result of her husband's career and income. That is a very dangerous trap that women have fallen into for generations. That is why women usually end up with the proverbial short end of the stick in a divorce. It is why I would never be content as a full time SAHM. I grew up in a home with two married conventional parents. My mom, while an ivy league grad, stayed home once my brother and I were born and my dad was in charge of all their finances. Frankly, now that they are elderly, I dont think my mom has clue what their personal finances look like. That scares the crap out of me. I will not be that wife, that mom, that woman. Its the bigger picture here in my mind, OP.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

It is hard to go "backwards" in lifestyle. I don't think many of the posters have had a significant change in lifestyle like you have had OP. It has to be difficult but daycare is temporary. Your baby won't be in daycare forever. Remember that! Try to live in the now/present and hope that the future is better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is an attorney and lost his job when the legal market tanked. Our mortgage is 2400 per month and day care is 1500(find me something cheaper I beg you. Does not exist). After saving for retirement and college and paying bills and groceries we have no discretionary money. I am just sad at my reality. I am fully aware it's fine but it's not at all what I imagined. Disappointment

OP, what do you do for work?

Can you find a job that supports the lifestyle you envision?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it makes you feel better, at least you have the husband! I don't, so I'm trying to raise my daughter in an expensive area on less than $100K salary. And no time/money to date since I have primary (most days) custody.) Most of my friends are either married with kids and pretty well-off or single and child-free and pretty well-off. I don't get to do much either.

Feel better? It could be worse. And this could be temporary. Try to see it as a phase on the way to better things.

What a truly obnoxious post.

Why? It's called perspective. (Not the PP)

Because it lacks empathy. And frames the issue as "who is more miserable?" OP is allowed to feel bad and depressed, even if others have it worse. SHe was looking for support and how to regain perspective. Some of the posters have done that in a way that is empathetic, reasonable, and helpful. The vast majority have not. Rather, they spew their jealous barbs and insults. It's disgusting and unnecessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop saving so much for college and retirement. You shouldn't be saving at the expense of your mental health, your well-being, your family, and and your marriage. A fully funded college and retirement are not worth that cost. You need to enjoy the life you have now. You have no idea how life will unfold, live the life you have rather than sacrificing it for the life you might have 30 years from now.

We have a lower HHI than you, and more kids and have a great life and lifestyle. You have options to live life differently. Your choices shouldn't be dragging you down.

Thirty or forty years from now, this posters' kids will be unable to save for their own retirement bc they will be supporting their elderly,parents

+1

I am 53yo. It goes by in a flash, and we all need to save. It is imperative.