So frustrated with not being able to know my kids grades.....

[Anonymous]

Re: FERPA, here is the disconnect. Decades ago the cost of college was such that an independent adult could put themselves, finance w/loans if necessary their way through college. Today loans that a student can obtain independently can not cover the cost. The problem isn't going away: It's "I'm an adult" vs "I'm the parent and I'm paying".

In addition, the GPA bar is now higher for continuation of loans/merit aid/scholarship. Don't assume your kid is a screw-up just because they lost their scholarship. This is information the parents haven't been given - how likely were they to keep the gpa-dependent scholarship? These are stats the U know, but we aren't given. There is probably a generally established bell curve re: grades.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sit next to your daughter. Insist that she sign on to her computer and show you her grades. Many parents do this at the end of every semester or once a year. If you're asking for more often than that (unless child is SN) you, Mom, are the problem. Those who aren't given a reason to worry probably don't see the grades at all. Ever. But if you're really worried, or interested, make sure you see the actual semester/yearly grade report -

GTFO

I am currently in college, and I think that the first PP's approach is totally reasonable if a parent is paying any part of the student's expenses. I do this with my parents anywhere from every few weeks to every few months, and have actually given them my Blackboard password so they can log in whenever. I don't feel micromanaged, I just respect my parents enough that if they are supporting me I want them to know their support is being used productively and not wasted. Each family can determine their own threshold of what constitutes acceptable grades such that the parents feel the tuition bill is money well spent, but in my family nothing below a 3.0 would be acceptable. I would never expect my parents to waste their money on me if I couldn't be at least minimally successful.

I try to consider things from my parents' point of view, and I know that if I were spending a large amount of money on any sort of ongoing expense, I would absolutely expect to see proof that the money is being well spent and not wasted.

[Anonymous]

OP, step back and ask yourself what your ultimate goal is. Is it for your child to get high grades in college? Or is it for your child to be a competent, independent adult? The "its my money, I get to see her grades" is infantalizing. What are you going to do once you see them? scream at her to raise the grades? A college student?

Play this out. If she is struggling academically you want to offer help. The only way she will be receptive to your offering help is if she sees you as approachable and supportive, not as a disciplinarian. And keep in mind, there is other help. She's at college, she can take advantage of the supports they offer.

Everyone assumes she is pushing back because she has something to hide. I think she's pushing back because she wants independence from her over involved mom. If you take the long view, she will be better off if you let her handle this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, step back and ask yourself what your ultimate goal is. Is it for your child to get high grades in college? Or is it for your child to be a competent, independent adult? The "its my money, I get to see her grades" is infantalizing. What are you going to do once you see them? scream at her to raise the grades? A college student?

Play this out. If she is struggling academically you want to offer help. The only way she will be receptive to your offering help is if she sees you as approachable and supportive, not as a disciplinarian. And keep in mind, there is other help. She's at college, she can take advantage of the supports they offer.

Everyone assumes she is pushing back because she has something to hide. I think she's pushing back because she wants independence from her over involved mom. If you take the long view, she will be better off if you let her handle this.

I would wonder if she even has any grades. Maybe not even attending classes. may be a lot more going on here than just not allowing mom to see the grades. The secrecy is definitely a red flag warning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I would wonder if she even has any grades. Maybe not even attending classes. may be a lot more going on here than just not allowing mom to see the grades. The secrecy is definitely a red flag warning.

This. This happened to an acquaintance. His DD wouldn't hand over the grades and made noise about "independence" and "maturity" and "trust." Turns out his DD was continuously stoned for much of the first year, was in a different boy's bed every night, and wound up with a sheet full of C- and D-range grades, from what I remember. DD was told not to come back absent taking a year off. Record destroyed, $55,000 down the tubes. In HS, DD had been the sweet cute "good kid" who got As andBs.

OP, make the demand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I would wonder if she even has any grades. Maybe not even attending classes. may be a lot more going on here than just not allowing mom to see the grades. The secrecy is definitely a red flag warning.

This. This happened to an acquaintance. His DD wouldn't hand over the grades and made noise about "independence" and "maturity" and "trust." Turns out his DD was continuously stoned for much of the first year, was in a different boy's bed every night, and wound up with a sheet full of C- and D-range grades, from what I remember. DD was told not to come back absent taking a year off. Record destroyed, $55,000 down the tubes. In HS, DD had been the sweet cute "good kid" who got As andBs.

OP, make the demand.

I don't doubt that this happened to your friend's child, but when these things happen there is more to the story from when the child was in high school that the parents aren't admitting to or maybe not even recognizing - maybe they actually did her work for her so she could get into school or they were so overbearing that she went wild when she got independence, the list goes could on about what really happened in high school that led this girl to go crazy and screw up her life when she left home. IME a normally functioning teenager without normal "issues" does not go that crazy and irresponsible when they leave home. They may make mistakes and have a few crazy moments and maybe not do so well that 1st semester of college, but overall they have a good sense of what needs to be done and will quickly shape up.

This is something we as parents need to remember as we are raising and preparing our kids for the outside world. We need to guide them and have expectations, but overbearing and controlling parents who don't allow a teenage some independence while at home can lead to some pretty tragic consequences later in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I would wonder if she even has any grades. Maybe not even attending classes. may be a lot more going on here than just not allowing mom to see the grades. The secrecy is definitely a red flag warning.

This. This happened to an acquaintance. His DD wouldn't hand over the grades and made noise about "independence" and "maturity" and "trust." Turns out his DD was continuously stoned for much of the first year, was in a different boy's bed every night, and wound up with a sheet full of C- and D-range grades, from what I remember. DD was told not to come back absent taking a year off. Record destroyed, $55,000 down the tubes. In HS, DD had been the sweet cute "good kid" who got As andBs.

OP, make the demand.

How would the parents seeing the grades have changed this? Are they going to show up and make demands? How does that work? The college handled it, they made the girl take time off. Thats the way it works, when they screw up or need help (I suspect the latter was the case here -- sounds like there might have been a mental health issue) there are consequences. Just like if you screw up on a job. You don;t need parents to create the consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you provide any financial support, you deserve to see her grades. It's that simple. If she doesn't want to share her grades, she can work her way through college. Simple!

I get this concept, I think, but really, the micromanaging of their adult children's school lives kind of bothers me. Maybe it is my experience, but I have to deal with 19 year olds in my classroom all.the.damned time harassing me for a better grade because mom and dad are going to lip out when they see the "B" or "C."

You're right, you don't have to pay for tuition if conditions you find necessary aren't met, but maybe you should step back and say, hey. It is time to let my ADULT child figure this out on her own. I think some parents do pay for college to help their kids out and don't want to see their money wasted, but really, it seems like most of them pay just so they can keep some control over their kids.

Like parents who help pay for a wedding then try to dictate every last detail. At what point do y'all just let them go?

Universities aren't exactly good at steering students away from crappy majors and stupid classes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you provide any financial support, you deserve to see her grades. It's that simple. If she doesn't want to share her grades, she can work her way through college. Simple!

I get this concept, I think, but really, the micromanaging of their adult children's school lives kind of bothers me. Maybe it is my experience, but I have to deal with 19 year olds in my classroom all.the.damned time harassing me for a better grade because mom and dad are going to lip out when they see the "B" or "C."

You're right, you don't have to pay for tuition if conditions you find necessary aren't met, but maybe you should step back and say, hey. It is time to let my ADULT child figure this out on her own. I think some parents do pay for college to help their kids out and don't want to see their money wasted, but really, it seems like most of them pay just so they can keep some control over their kids.

Like parents who help pay for a wedding then try to dictate every last detail. At what point do y'all just let them go?

when they start paying their own bills.

+10000

And if they decide working as a barista and not going to university is OK with them - they are paying their own way after all - you are OK with that? if they decide to elope and pay their own way, you are OK with that, as long as you aren't paying. Seems like you only have one way of talking to your child - with pursestrings. And that's just sad. I've been there as the child, and it only builds resentment - years of resentment that take years to get over.

Cry me a river, entitled brat. My kids are little so this is not relevant yet, but my parents knew all my grades and I saw no problem with the concept.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:you tell the little snot that you will pull the plug on paying for anything. What kind of crap is this? Did you get run over by your kids when they were younger?

I wouldn't use the words "little snot" but I will only pay if I am allowed to see the grades. If the school won't cooperate, then my child will. If my child won't cooperate, then he'll make due with NOVA.

[Anonymous]

and yes, if my kid decides not to go to college, then so be it. I can only pay for it once, and don't even want to pay for it that many times if he's going to get crappy grades in a useless major.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:you tell the little snot that you will pull the plug on paying for anything. What kind of crap is this? Did you get run over by your kids when they were younger?

X100000 we call it the Larla Scholarship and she needs to maintain a specific gpa for continued financial support. If her grades are her business, then so is the tuition bill.

[Anonymous]

You all can try to bully your adult children into showing grades because you pay some or all of the tuition, but leave the school out of it. FERPA says those adults have the right to privacy, and not only in the matter of grades. You don't have the right to their grades. You do have the right to not pay, but stop making it sound like you deserve the right to their grades. You don't, which is why the government forbids schools from releasing them to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You all can try to bully your adult children into showing grades because you pay some or all of the tuition, but leave the school out of it. FERPA says those adults have the right to privacy, and not only in the matter of grades. You don't have the right to their grades. You do have the right to not pay, but stop making it sound like you deserve the right to their grades. You don't, which is why the government forbids schools from releasing them to you.

Bully? Isn't it typical in the adult world for there to be eligibility criteria for loans and the like? If a person is paying a substantial expense for another adult, which students at University typically are, and without expectations of repayment, then doesn't it make logical sense for the person paying to impose conditions such as "you must be making satisfactory academic progress (defined by the family's standards, possibly including a GPA requirement)? If it makes sense to impose these conditions, then it certainly makes sense to verify that they are being met. If a student receives a scholarship, then usually whatever organization is paying requires that they see grades/transcripts, and I don't see that as bullying the student. Do you?

I don't think anyone is saying that *all parents* reserve the right to see adult college students' grades in *all circumstances*. Everyone seems to be arguing that if someone is paying for another person's education then the person paying has the right to see the results of what their money is achieving, i.e. the student's grades.

[Anonymous]

We all can agree that parents make different choices re: grades - what we can't understand is why the OP is in the predicament she's in. And why all the hostility.