So frustrated with not being able to know my kids grades.....
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Anonymous
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She is an adult. If you choose to financially support her during adulthood when she is under no obligation to give you information, that should have been an arrangement between the two of you. For example if you loan your adult child money and want to see all the receipts of how they spent it you should arrange that as part of the contract of the loan. If you decided to pay for school or for a car or for a house or for a wedding, you should specify what that entails you to know in return for the cash.
My parents never knew my grades, however they also didn't pay for college for me. I was an adult and never really thought to tell them what my marks were. As an adult how I perform is not my parent's responsibility nor is the minutiae of my finances any of their business. You should have told her the conditions that the cash came with when you gave her the money. Also you have to decide if the cash for tuition was a loan or a gift. It is a gift, then I am not sure her grades are really any of your concern. |
Anonymous
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I guess I just don't care. I saved up enough to pay for college and if DS blows it by being a shitty student, that's a life lesson he will have to learn on his own.
I am not going to pay for a re-do but I am also not going to make a ton of conditions or control him and make him check in like I'm his warden. |
Anonymous
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My parents helped me through college during my first two years - they paid a part of what FAFSA thought they could afford - $400/month - which was a huge sacrifice for them. I always showed them my grades each semester because I considered it my return for their investment in me -- they deserved to know that I honored their sacrifice and that I was doing the best that I could.
They didn't micromanage anything - they never asked (never even thought to ask, I'm sure) how I did after tests or papers. Of course this was before there were cell phones so we never talked more than once a week - I couldn't afford the long distance! During my junior and senior years I still showed them my grade reports. I didn't have to, but I knew they would be happy and proud and I still felt like it was paying a dividend of their initial investment in my first two years. I can't fathom the entitlement and brattiness of a college student whose education is being funded by her mother (including expenses and housing during breaks) but who has the audacity to refuse to share her grades. Even if she was doing well and she just wanted privacy from a prying mother (which I really can understand), I would seriously consider cutting her off simply because of her attitude of entitlement and lack of appreciation for the financial support. |
Anonymous
| OP here and I am paying for some of her schooling, she got scholarships and financial aid for the rest. I pay for her car insurance, health insurance, and phone. She says I need to trust her and she has been a good student in the past. This is her freshman year of college. I guess I just get the feeling something is up. She has always been very willing to show me a test or a paper if she had done well when she was in high school. I guess I feel like if she is doing so well, why wouldn't she want to show me her grades? I would never threaten her in any way to get information, but I am getting frustrated with her. |
Anonymous
| Did you see her end of semester grades? Or do you want her every day grades? She's only one semester in. |
Anonymous
Op, your gut is probably right, but you need to approach this in a different way. Stop worrying about seeing the report card and start asking her questions about her life and how its going. Lower your weapons and make room for her to open up. Tell her you are worried about her and let her come to you. |
Anonymous
Are you worried about her because she seems unhappy in some way? Or are you just really curious/nosy? What if her grades are all Cs -- so what? This is what college is all about - learning to do it WITHOUT your mother hovering over you. Learning to budget your time. Learning that if you don't you will get shitty grades. Learning you have 3.5 more years to improve them. |
Anonymous
It is last semesters grades I am trying to get. |
Anonymous
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I don't think it's unreasonable to want to see the GPA.
Our DS's school had the bursar's office with the online tuition and bill pay system behind the same firewall as the registrar's office with students' grades. One userid and password per student. That pretty much meant that any student who wanted someone else to pay the bills, was also giving that person access to their grades. |
Anonymous
Not to be callous, but get used to it, OP. Your kid isn't a child anymore - she's legally able to protect that information from you. That isn't going to change. You're going to have to start finding a new way to relate to her, and that will include (1) making her feel like you are a person she can confide in, and (2) finding a way to live with it when she won't share things with you. |
Anonymous
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My parents paid for college, and I had to show them my grades. I don't think it is unreasonable or being a helicopter parent to see the grades, if a parent is paying a portion of tuition. I had an agreement with my parents where they would only pay for As and Bs.
I would guess that something is up as well. |
Anonymous
| where the OP went off the deep end is when she called the school |
Anonymous
| My DD emailed them to me. It is funny how I get texts, voice mails (home and cell) and an email to let me know classes are cancelled due to snow, but they won't send the grades. I don't give a shit about snow cancellations. Grades would be nice, but they are "adults". I hope to have an adult relationship with her, but she was cool with sharing the grades anyway. |
Anonymous
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When my DD goes to college next year I have no intention of asking for her grades. My parents never saw my grades. I'm pretty happy to be passing the responsibility to her.
First year of college can be really tough for kids and she is probably concerned that you will come down on her, and it sounds like you will. Calling the school? Seriously? That is the sign of an over involved parent. Its time to let go. If she can't manage her own education, she has to learn now. I suspect that many of you have younger kids. By the time they go to college they need to own it. |
Anonymous
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Why do you want to see her grades?
Unless you made buying her a college education contingent on grades, why does it matter to you what they are? You can only try and micromanage her so much. If you haven't raised her to have the basic skills she needs to be an adult, and you feel you still need to hover and monitor and do everything for her, then you messed up. The goal of parenting is to raise children into adults who are independent, healthy and responsible. |