How would you react if you found out your daughter is having an affair with a professor?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I don't quite see it this way. She is 22, its a different world. IF they were to get married, all transgressions will be forgotten. If its nothing more than a fling, then its chalked up to his power and charm over his students and her being young, fun, easy going and confident enough to do it with her professor with abandon. I just dont' see the big deal. They are not hurting anyone."

Fucking a professor at your school isn't a big deal? Who knew?

Nope its not a big deal. They are both adults. End of story. Their business not mine or yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There isn't much you can do except be there for her when it goes sour.

I know that type of professor. And especially given he's popular, he will likely not settle down when he works at a place with a fresh new batch of young women completely enamored of him every year.

I don't care if they're consenting adults, I think it's tacky for a professor to date a student who is in a program where he teaches (even if she doesn't have a class with him). He still has influence with faculty. It is still extremely unprofessional, and frankly, I think colleges should have written policies against it.

Maybe this will be a good learning experience for her. Because when she gets out into the working world, it's really risky dating where you work, even if you don't take a direct supervisor. She needs to learn that lesson now.

Yup

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did not think of this as a common occurrence, guess I have had my head in the sand!

Is not common. Profs who hookup with students are considered sleazy.

+1 And sadly, it happens a lot. And it gives both the professors and the students they date a sort of weird reputation. I don't think it's good for a law school student to start out that way. She wants to use law school as a way to network. Getting a reputation as someone who dates the professors will not bode well for her.

This is what I would worry most about. If they are openly dating- it may be too late to help. The story of her dating a prof will last and last.

Yes. I would not hire a classmate who has slept with a prof. Shows bad judgment, etc

[Anonymous]

I know some professors. For the younger ones, this happens all the time. She's an adult, and so is he. Let her live her life.

I've been on the other side of it too, like as an older man dating a younger woman (she was 19, I was in my early 30's). We both knew it was a light relationship, enjoyed each other's company, etc. Most of our time was spent hanging around in my apartment drinking wine and talking, which she didn't get from men her age.

No hard feelings, and even now years later we'll email to see how each other is doing. I'm married with kids, she has a boyfriend, so we've both moved on, but still had a good time back when we dated.

[Anonymous]

Everyone here refers to him as "her professor" yet the OP explicitly said he is NOT her professor so lets get that clear from the starting gate.

OP I have a scenario for you- take the fact that he is a professor at her law school out of the equation, just a 45 year old man. Would it still bother you as much? Is it the age more than anything? Or the fact that he happens to be employed where she is in law school?

I ask because I was in grad school 5 years ago. Met someone (a professor) who was incredibly sexy and charismatic and we hit it off. We both were avid runners and into hiking and this common interest sparked an incredibly passionate relationship. I felt funny and we were discreet but there was no denying the physical attraction and connection, it was unstoppable. This went on for about 1 year off and on, until he announced he was leaving as he had gotten a big job offer at a prominent west coast university.He begged me to transfer but that was not an option for many reasons. I have to tell you I was devastated but life went on. He got married last year.I have no regrets.

My parents were upset at first but for them it was the age thing more than anything, however they got to know him and grew to like him very much. I really do think had he stayed here this could have been something but it was not meant to be and I am engaged to an even more incredible man so it all worked out.

Try to support her and her choice. If she gets hurt or wants to move on, ultimately its going to be a life lesson she decided to risk having. Just my two cents.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps someone already said this but this is not an affair, it is a relashionship. MYOB.

She'll grow out of it. I dated 36 yr olds when I was 21 and again at 26. I'm now happily married to a man 9 months older than me. Both times I dated older men, they were execs in a position of power, but not in my department.

When I was 21 I learned that you can take a college girl to the orchestra and fancy restaurants, but you can't take a 36 yr old to a party with your friends. Playing grown up will get old and she'll want to get back to being 22.

I had a fun time and don't regret it. However I grew up in a college town and the advice my mom always gave about older men was "you don't understand now or won't figure it out right away, but there is a reason girls their own age aren't dating them" just like college students and HS students, adult men who date young women who are not yet "launched" into adulthood are likely immature or enjoy being adored and seen as experienced and sophisticated. Trust me, once your daughter does her summer internships / clerking and meets some Judges or Big law partners, she'll be done with her professor and will start looking for someone ambitions and successful her own age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The guy has balls to show up like that and not be ashamed. But of course, he has the balls to even think about having a relationship with someone his kid's age. Men and unnatural sense of entitlement.

I already posted about my non-law adventures with 36 yr olds, but I have to add, this dude is probably not her Dad's age. I have a friend who is a law professor at a highly ranked law school in the Midwest. He is 36.

22/34-38 is much different than 22/48-60
Mid-30s you still think of yourself young and fun, even if your peers and GF's parents don't.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry but I do not see any problem with this. She is an adult as is he. He is not her professor. They have an attraction and obviously a good thing going. Let it be. If its meant to go anywhere it will and if not, then its a great life lesson and experience for her.

I am always attracted to older men. I am 26 out of grad school. I would definitely have dated a professor if I wanted to or was attracted to one. I just don't see the problem. Two consenting adults. I think the power of their position has to be an added turnon. Relax, let her live her life. 22 is a great age to be and its all about learning, growing and evolving.

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

OP if it were me, I would trust my daughter and let her deal with any consequences. If he was her professor I would have a bigger problem with it. For me it would be more about the age difference though my own husband is 10 years older.

Just advise her, that is all you can do and then step back.

[Anonymous]

OP: I haven't read all the posts, but I'm a law professor and I think this is highly problematic. First, you should find out if the school has a policy against such a relationship (our law school has this info on the university website). Just because she isn't a student in his class now doesn't mean she might not be later or that he can't influence her educational or future professional career. Second, if other students find out about this it can be highly problematic. Are they openly dating? Does his dean know? Other students? If they're hiding this relationship it obviously is not okay. This type of relationship also poses potential problems for the university. What if he dumps your daughter and she decides this relationship wasn't consensual after all? What if your daughter dumps him and he decides to bad mouth her to future employers? Your instincts as a parent are right and I guarantee you that most of his colleagues disapprove of what he's doing. If your daughter won't listen maybe you should call the professor or maybe you should call his dean.

[Anonymous]

To all of you who think this is just fine, what if the professor is close to 70 and the student is 23? Do you still think that's ok? Because I know of a relationship going on like that at my university right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"The legal world is remarkably small. What happens at law school does not necessarily stay and law school and sadly may follow her. It smacks of poor judgement."

No question.

+1000. This is absolutely correct. OP, your DD was looking for shock value. Her decision is immature, period. You need to communicate to her your emphatic disapproval. And the PP who remembers who was sleeping with the faculty? Absolutely true as well.

[Anonymous]

She is an adult, it is her decision. Regardless of whether it is a good, bad or terrible decision it is hers to make. If there are consequences, they are hers as well.

Op you can have whatever feelings you do about this but she is an adult, your raising of her is done at this point. Whether or not you wish to support her is also entirely up to you but whether or not she dates him isn't.

[Anonymous]

I am so surprised by how many of the posters here think that you have any control over your adult daughters decision!

What most of forgetting is that she's 22 he is in his 40s that they are both capable and able to make their own decisions and nothing that you say or do can change that. That said it's not to say that if I had a daughter that age I wouldn't have my share of concerns but the reality is is that you either need to disapprove and step away or you can support her let her know for your concerns and move on.

Who's to say that this is a romance that may not blossom into something much bigger perhaps an engagement or marriage keep your head up and good luck