How would you react if you found out your daughter is having an affair with a professor?
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Anonymous
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My D is 22 and in law school. Bright, beautiful, self assured and extrenely independent. More than I ever was. In any case, she has stayed there for the summer to take classes and she had an internship, she told us she was coming home last weekend to attend a book signing with a "friend" but would be staying in a hotel instead of home (MD). She said it would be easier to do it this way. I was at first baffled but said fine. We agreed to meet for dinner that Friday night when they were coming into town. We met her and were introduced to a very very nice looking distinguished man but clearly someone who is a good 15-20 years older than my D. My husband and I were not sure what to make of it. We had a lovely dinner only to find out he is a professor at her law school. He does not teach her but they met somehow and have been having an affair for a few months now (got the low down the next day). We were very taken aback on several issues here. First the fact that he is a professor and she a student, though yes they are both consenting adults. He is not married in case you are wondering.
Second, the age is a big concern. She has always been one of those kids, 10 going on 30, super mature always but still.....how would you react? Wondering if we are being sensible and fair or overreacting? I did not hide my feelings and she is basically not talking to me right now. I guess my biggest fear is this becomes serious and she suddenly announces she is engaged to this 42 year old man. |
Anonymous
| There's nothing you can really do (unless the school has a policy against this) besides what you already did, which was tell her how you feel. She is an adult and will make her mistakes. FWIW, I know of two women who hooked up with profs from their law schools. The first one was kind of f***ed up in the head and I don't think the marriage lasted more than five years and with no children. She remarried and had children with her second H. The other one married a much, much older PT prof. Think they are still married with kids. |
Anonymous
| They are two consenting legal adults. They are not having an affair, they are in a relationship. I believe it would only be a conflict if he were teaching her. I see no problem and if they are both happy, let it be. |
Anonymous
| Is he married? If not why are you calling it an affair? |
Anonymous
| 42 is young in todays world and if she is super mature as you said it, I can see it could work. They are obviously both intelligent, if it were my D. even though I would have reservations I would stand by her and support her. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
+1 I'm confused too. Is she married? You can't have an affair if neither party is married. If neither is married and your DD is happy, leave it alone. She's an adult. |
Anonymous
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I'd find out about his dating history from your daughter (And your daughters' friends if you can).
Is he divorced? Kids? Is he actually 20 years older? If so, has he dated other students? If he really gives you a bad vibe, your husband should go out with him and try to play the protective dad. Real creeps seek out victims without activist parents since they are easiest to isolate. And if he is serious and ok, just older, tell your daughter you'll support her relationship but only after she finishes law school and finds the great job she wanted. If she's just enamored of his position she'll grow out of it after her internships, etc and being independent. OH, and I married a prof from my grad school (but I was 28 and well established when we met). 10 years older and quit his job and moved with me to find a job where I was. We have a kid now and all is working out well. My family loves him. But trust your gut -- if he's no good, you should act appropriately. If his only issue is he's a little older than you would have chosen (and in your honest heart they seem to care about one another) then you may just have to suck it up. |
Anonymous
| I would say she is smart. And it isnt an affair, so get over yourself and recognize your daughter is a savvy grown up. |
Anonymous
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Sorry for the word affair, I meant she is "carrying on" with him. He is not married, divorced with a 20 year old son.
He does give a bad vibe, he is a very distinguished man, and defintiely not at all creepy but this just has us quite surprised and just not sure but I know she is an adult. She did tell me all the girls are "after him" and its not uncommon for girls to "hook up" (her words) with some professors, i never knew this! She said a lot of girls have a crush on him which I think to her makes her feel like she got some prize. I know there is nothing we can do about it just curious as to how other parents would react. |
Anonymous
| OOPS meant HE DOES NOT GIVE A BAD VIBE! |
Anonymous
| I did not think of this as a common occurrence, guess I have had my head in the sand! |
Anonymous
Wow harsh. Give the OP a break, she came here for opinions and advice not ridiculous or judgement calls. |
Anonymous
| I would decide specifically what your concerns are and why- i.e. don't say the age difference bothers you, but instead urge her to consider if they both are headed in the same direction. He has an adult child. Perhaps your daughter wants to have children one day, but this man might not as he has already raised a child. Things like that can get your daughter thinking about what she expects out of this relationship and whether or not the age/professor thing is going to be a problem in the future. Voice your concerns once and then be silent and support her in whatever she chooses. |
Anonymous
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Ugh. I wouldn't like it. Chances are he will move on to his next target eventually. Or if they marry he will eventually cheat on her with other students.
Nt sure there is much you can do. I would voice your concerns to her. |