Reply to Appropriate "punishment" if DD bombs finals

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Advice from mom of two college students (one gifted/LD) who are both thriving:
The place to address the problem was when projects/HW were not being turned in.  I would have addressed those issues, not grades.  So, if you think that she has no ADD/exec. functioning disorder/LDs, I would just quietly mention at some point that there will be a 90 minute study time Sunday through Thursday evenings.  If she says she doesn't have that much work, then say she can read for pleasure.  Meanwhile, you need to be reading or working quietly in the same room (no electronics, obviously).
  As at least one other person has suggested, I would completely shift your focus away from grades, and put it back on learning.  You didn't say much about that in your postings.  And, it is her life.  Your relationship should be more important than her grades.  [/quote]

OP here.  Sigh...I tried so many times to address the issues as they appeared.  She would always say "why are you focusing on this 1 assignment that I didn't turn it, when I turned in assignments for all the other classes?"  "If I'm going to have to get punished for 1 F for not turning in an assignment, maybe I just won't turn any in if I'm going to lose phone/TV, etc anyway".  It was a constant constant battle.  I felt so helpless.  We ALWAYS battled about "school stuff". [b] I didn't want to constantly fight about this, so I would let up.[/b]  Even if I put the expectations/consequences in place at the beginning, when I had to implement them, it became "Why?  Why? Why?, and she would badger me.  So so many times I just wanted to choke her out.  Yes, I feel I'm failing as a mom to a teen DD, and it's just now that I wish I had someone else to help me and maybe "put a foot on her throat".  Sigh............. :cry:[/quote]OP, I'm wondering if your daughter has sensed that she can make you back off if she fights hard enough. I understand that the constant battle is exhausting and your inclination to give up - but it sounds like your daughter has got you figured out now. If she knew that arguing wouldn't get her anywhere, she'd be less likely to do it.

Of course, if you start holding the line now, you'll probably find that things get worse for awhile before they get better. I read this great article by a therapist about what happens when you set limits with people.  If you used to give in before, the other person increases their use of the tactics they used before (for example, arguing), figuring that the reason it didn't work before is that they didn't try hard enough. So you have to work extra hard to hold the line until the other person learns that arguing won't work at all.

Have you thought about consulting with a therapist on this - someone who can help you develop a strategy to deal with this and be in your corner while you're going through it?  Good luck with this. It sounds really hard![/quote]

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