Would you leave your wife if....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You really do sound like a good guy, OP. Have you considered that maybe DW is having a hard time transitioning between thinking of herself as "mom" and "wife"? She may have lost herself in her identity as a mother and with that, her sex drive. You seem to have thought about this a lot, so maybe you've already tried, but things like date nights, etc., do you do that stuff? What opportunities does she have to be an adult woman?

I'm not OP but I am a DW. He said his kids are 9 and 7. Pretty sure she should have made the transition to "mom" by now. Mom and wife are NOT mutually exclusive. You don't get a pass for struggling with your identity when you've been a mom for nearly a decade, come on. I hate this notion that women have to be coddled- constantly complimented, wooed, pursued to be made to feel attractive, yet also left alone for "me time" and "woman time" in order for her to be a contributing member of her marital relationship. NO. You get married, you say vows, which include forsaking all others. The implication being, you're forsaking them FOR ME. Not FOR NOTHING. Sorry, I think sex and intimacy in a marriage is each spouse's right. Women shouldn't have to have their feet kissed and all their changing whims met on a daily basis for their husbands to feel like they've "earned" sex.

That's not what I'm saying. But, the OP's DW could have gotten emotionally stuck and may need to work through it. You obviously don't have a lot of compassion for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You really do sound like a good guy, OP. Have you considered that maybe DW is having a hard time transitioning between thinking of herself as "mom" and "wife"? She may have lost herself in her identity as a mother and with that, her sex drive. You seem to have thought about this a lot, so maybe you've already tried, but things like date nights, etc., do you do that stuff? What opportunities does she have to be an adult woman?

I'm not OP but I am a DW. He said his kids are 9 and 7. Pretty sure she should have made the transition to "mom" by now. Mom and wife are NOT mutually exclusive. You don't get a pass for struggling with your identity when you've been a mom for nearly a decade, come on. I hate this notion that women have to be coddled- constantly complimented, wooed, pursued to be made to feel attractive, yet also left alone for "me time" and "woman time" in order for her to be a contributing member of her marital relationship. NO. You get married, you say vows, which include forsaking all others. The implication being, you're forsaking them FOR ME. Not FOR NOTHING. Sorry, I think sex and intimacy in a marriage is each spouse's right. Women shouldn't have to have their feet kissed and all their changing whims met on a daily basis for their husbands to feel like they've "earned" sex.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would suggest for the DHs in sexless marriages to start hitting the gym regularly and putting more thought into grooming and appearance. I'm a single mom now, but in your DWs shoes, I would definitely take notice if you suddenly lost the belly fat and were spending more time on your clothing. And didnt bother to ask me for sex for awhile, yet seemed happy nonetheless.

For the poster with the wife in remission, I'm sure the perception of her femininity took a beating during the process. If she can only have sex with the lights off, she might fear that you were see the flaws she's been hiding and be turned off. Also, knowing that you are thinking about sex most nights puts alot of pressure on her. I would also suggest planning activities for just you and the kids where she can have some more "me" time. If she's a SAHM especially.

I have tried many things. I have gotten back in shape several times. The most recent time, I was in the best shape since my 20s. Not just thinner but in really good shape. Didn't change anything.

In the last ten years, I have been the morning parent and bedtime routine parent 90% of the time. she gets lots of opportunity for sleep time. On the weekends, I usually give her lots of me times. She is a SAHM and the kids are in school every week day.

We are roommates and parents... She has emotionally built a wall around herself when it comes to me. It is extremely rare if she even kisses or hugs me. Forget about anything closer.

It might seem strange, but I actually still love her. Something is broken and I think I know what it is but it is nothing that I can do. She needs to figure it out and work with someone to get over it. She is a very private person and I don't think she would ever let anyone get close enough to help her work it out.

What do you think is broken?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would suggest for the DHs in sexless marriages to start hitting the gym regularly and putting more thought into grooming and appearance. I'm a single mom now, but in your DWs shoes, I would definitely take notice if you suddenly lost the belly fat and were spending more time on your clothing. And didnt bother to ask me for sex for awhile, yet seemed happy nonetheless.

Didn't bother to ask me for sex for awhile...

Words can't explain how f'd up that statement is.

What is wrong with a person asking for what s/he needs in a marriage?

I (sincerely) don't understand what the problem with that statement is.

[Anonymous]

"It is extremely rare if she even kisses or hugs me."
Does she know or care that this is a really bad example for the kids?

[Anonymous]

This is totally out of left field but my sex drive tanked when TTC due to some hormonal issues... I started taking an herb I got at whole foods called Maca. It comes in pill or liquid form. It helped, a lot . either way, the man sounds like a great husband and father and I agree sex and intimacy is part of the vow of marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You really do sound like a good guy, OP. Have you considered that maybe DW is having a hard time transitioning between thinking of herself as "mom" and "wife"? She may have lost herself in her identity as a mother and with that, her sex drive. You seem to have thought about this a lot, so maybe you've already tried, but things like date nights, etc., do you do that stuff? What opportunities does she have to be an adult woman?

I'm not OP but I am a DW. He said his kids are 9 and 7. Pretty sure she should have made the transition to "mom" by now. Mom and wife are NOT mutually exclusive. You don't get a pass for struggling with your identity when you've been a mom for nearly a decade, come on. I hate this notion that women have to be coddled- constantly complimented, wooed, pursued to be made to feel attractive, yet also left alone for "me time" and "woman time" in order for her to be a contributing member of her marital relationship. NO. You get married, you say vows, which include forsaking all others. The implication being, you're forsaking them FOR ME. Not FOR NOTHING. Sorry, I think sex and intimacy in a marriage is each spouse's right. Women shouldn't have to have their feet kissed and all their changing whims met on a daily basis for their husbands to feel like they've "earned" sex.

That's not what I'm saying. But, the OP's DW could have gotten emotionally stuck and may need to work through it. You obviously don't have a lot of compassion for that.

Nope, not really. I have compassion for the people who are stuck in a lifeless marriage with these individuals who are happy to sit around and perpetrate the status quo upon their spouse because they're too lazy or unmotivated to make a change and don't care to because they know their husband/wife will stick around for the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would suggest for the DHs in sexless marriages to start hitting the gym regularly and putting more thought into grooming and appearance. I'm a single mom now, but in your DWs shoes, I would definitely take notice if you suddenly lost the belly fat and were spending more time on your clothing. And didnt bother to ask me for sex for awhile, yet seemed happy nonetheless.

Didn't bother to ask me for sex for awhile...

Words can't explain how f'd up that statement is.

What is wrong with a person asking for what s/he needs in a marriage?

I (sincerely) don't understand what the problem with that statement is.

A man/woman should not be reduced to begging/asking/pleading to have their needs met. If you are at the point where you have to ask for sex then there is a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You really do sound like a good guy, OP. Have you considered that maybe DW is having a hard time transitioning between thinking of herself as "mom" and "wife"? She may have lost herself in her identity as a mother and with that, her sex drive. You seem to have thought about this a lot, so maybe you've already tried, but things like date nights, etc., do you do that stuff? What opportunities does she have to be an adult woman?

I'm not OP but I am a DW. He said his kids are 9 and 7. Pretty sure she should have made the transition to "mom" by now. Mom and wife are NOT mutually exclusive. You don't get a pass for struggling with your identity when you've been a mom for nearly a decade, come on. I hate this notion that women have to be coddled- constantly complimented, wooed, pursued to be made to feel attractive, yet also left alone for "me time" and "woman time" in order for her to be a contributing member of her marital relationship. NO. You get married, you say vows, which include forsaking all others. The implication being, you're forsaking them FOR ME. Not FOR NOTHING. Sorry, I think sex and intimacy in a marriage is each spouse's right. Women shouldn't have to have their feet kissed and all their changing whims met on a daily basis for their husbands to feel like they've "earned" sex.

That's not what I'm saying. But, the OP's DW could have gotten emotionally stuck and may need to work through it. You obviously don't have a lot of compassion for that.

Nope, not really. I have compassion for the people who are stuck in a lifeless marriage with these individuals who are happy to sit around and perpetrate the status quo upon their spouse because they're too lazy or unmotivated to make a change and don't care to because they know their husband/wife will stick around for the kids.

I feel sorry for your spouse and family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would suggest for the DHs in sexless marriages to start hitting the gym regularly and putting more thought into grooming and appearance. I'm a single mom now, but in your DWs shoes, I would definitely take notice if you suddenly lost the belly fat and were spending more time on your clothing. And didnt bother to ask me for sex for awhile, yet seemed happy nonetheless.

For the poster with the wife in remission, I'm sure the perception of her femininity took a beating during the process. If she can only have sex with the lights off, she might fear that you were see the flaws she's been hiding and be turned off. Also, knowing that you are thinking about sex most nights puts alot of pressure on her. I would also suggest planning activities for just you and the kids where she can have some more "me" time. If she's a SAHM especially.

I have tried many things. I have gotten back in shape several times. The most recent time, I was in the best shape since my 20s. Not just thinner but in really good shape. Didn't change anything.

In the last ten years, I have been the morning parent and bedtime routine parent 90% of the time. she gets lots of opportunity for sleep time. On the weekends, I usually give her lots of me times. She is a SAHM and the kids are in school every week day.

We are roommates and parents... She has emotionally built a wall around herself when it comes to me. It is extremely rare if she even kisses or hugs me. Forget about anything closer.

It might seem strange, but I actually still love her. Something is broken and I think I know what it is but it is nothing that I can do. She needs to figure it out and work with someone to get over it. She is a very private person and I don't think she would ever let anyone get close enough to help her work it out.

What do you think is broken?

I am sorry but the the answer would provide information that is too unique and personal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You really do sound like a good guy, OP. Have you considered that maybe DW is having a hard time transitioning between thinking of herself as "mom" and "wife"? She may have lost herself in her identity as a mother and with that, her sex drive. You seem to have thought about this a lot, so maybe you've already tried, but things like date nights, etc., do you do that stuff? What opportunities does she have to be an adult woman?

I'm not OP but I am a DW. He said his kids are 9 and 7. Pretty sure she should have made the transition to "mom" by now. Mom and wife are NOT mutually exclusive. You don't get a pass for struggling with your identity when you've been a mom for nearly a decade, come on. I hate this notion that women have to be coddled- constantly complimented, wooed, pursued to be made to feel attractive, yet also left alone for "me time" and "woman time" in order for her to be a contributing member of her marital relationship. NO. You get married, you say vows, which include forsaking all others. The implication being, you're forsaking them FOR ME. Not FOR NOTHING. Sorry, I think sex and intimacy in a marriage is each spouse's right. Women shouldn't have to have their feet kissed and all their changing whims met on a daily basis for their husbands to feel like they've "earned" sex.

That's not what I'm saying. But, the OP's DW could have gotten emotionally stuck and may need to work through it. You obviously don't have a lot of compassion for that.

Nope, not really. I have compassion for the people who are stuck in a lifeless marriage with these individuals who are happy to sit around and perpetrate the status quo upon their spouse because they're too lazy or unmotivated to make a change and don't care to because they know their husband/wife will stick around for the kids.

I feel sorry for your spouse and family.

LOL you go right ahead, but my husband's not the one posting on an anonymous message board about how I make him so miserable he'd be gone if it weren't for the kids. We have this neat thing known as "give and take" in our marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would suggest for the DHs in sexless marriages to start hitting the gym regularly and putting more thought into grooming and appearance. I'm a single mom now, but in your DWs shoes, I would definitely take notice if you suddenly lost the belly fat and were spending more time on your clothing. And didnt bother to ask me for sex for awhile, yet seemed happy nonetheless.

Didn't bother to ask me for sex for awhile...

Words can't explain how f'd up that statement is.

What is wrong with a person asking for what s/he needs in a marriage?

I (sincerely) don't understand what the problem with that statement is.

A man/woman should not be reduced to begging/asking/pleading to have their needs met. If you are at the point where you have to ask for sex then there is a problem.

Beg and plead are not synonyms for ask.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's yer myth: http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/divorce.htm

I see your poor undertanding of statistics and raise you analysis:

http://www.nytimes.com/2005/04/19/health/19divo.html

To wit:

"At this point, unless there's some kind of turnaround, I wouldn't expect any cohort to reach 50 percent, since none already has," said Dr. Rose M. Kreider, a demographer in the Fertility and Family Statistics Branch of the Census Bureau.

Boo-yah.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would suggest for the DHs in sexless marriages to start hitting the gym regularly and putting more thought into grooming and appearance. I'm a single mom now, but in your DWs shoes, I would definitely take notice if you suddenly lost the belly fat and were spending more time on your clothing. And didnt bother to ask me for sex for awhile, yet seemed happy nonetheless.

Didn't bother to ask me for sex for awhile...

Words can't explain how f'd up that statement is.

What is wrong with a person asking for what s/he needs in a marriage?

I (sincerely) don't understand what the problem with that statement is.

A man/woman should not be reduced to begging/asking/pleading to have their needs met. If you are at the point where you have to ask for sex then there is a problem.

Beg and plead are not synonyms for ask.

Call it what you want. I refuse to "ask" for sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's yer myth: http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/divorce.htm

I see your poor undertanding of statistics and raise you analysis:

http://www.nytimes.com/2005/04/19/health/19divo.html

To wit:

"At this point, unless there's some kind of turnaround, I wouldn't expect any cohort to reach 50 percent, since none already has," said Dr. Rose M. Kreider, a demographer in the Fertility and Family Statistics Branch of the Census Bureau.

Boo-yah.

And I will raise again for selective quotation, and misspelling when you attempt to demonstrate your superior intelligence ("untertanding" sic).

From the article you cited:

"Dr. Larry Bumpass, an emeritus professor of sociology at the University of Wisconsin's Center for Demography and Ecology, has long held that divorce rates will eventually reach or exceed 50 percent. In an interview, he said that it was "probably right" that the official divorce statistics might fall below 50 percent, but that the rate would still be close.

"'About half is still a very sensible statement,' he said."

Granted that this is written by a guy named "Bumpass," but still.

NB: Please, let us not let this thread degenerate into the assfucking thread over in the explicit section of the site.