Husband can’t set a table and doesn’t care to learn how

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just have a picture of a table setting on the table when you ask him to set the table until he remembers.

People only have so much bandwidth to memorize things and he's probably got far more important things to keep top of mind than table settings.

You mean he’s only able to remember 2-3 things at a time when a normal person can do 15-20.
So he’s got real issues, and needs professional help or to stay away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH grew up in a family that ate standing around the kitchen, on the couch, asynchronously etc - they did not have formalized meals. As a result, DH doesn’t know how to set a table.

What did you expect?

Most adults would expect him to easily learn how to properly set a table, plates, cutlery and cups

Bfd. Learn it.

Once you learn it you don’t have to keep being retaught it or keep letting down others.

If this is your power and control move - not doing basic things correctly to piss off your loved ones- then get a divorce.

Or, pick your battles. You don't need to die on every hill.

Or divorce. Life’s too short to live with a messy idiot and pretend he’s not a messy idiot.

[Anonymous]

Is this for every day dining or when you have people over?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Print this out and leave it near the table.

Do regular people really do this?

My in-laws all have asd/adhd and there are lists of things to do upon leaving each and every room pasted above each wall light switch.

At first I thought it was for when they went on a long trip but then I realized they don’t know what is going on ever and leave doors open, lights on, water running, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH grew up in a family that ate standing around the kitchen, on the couch, asynchronously etc - they did not have formalized meals. As a result, DH doesn’t know how to set a table.

What did you expect?

Most adults would expect him to easily learn how to properly set a table, plates, cutlery and cups

Bfd. Learn it.

Once you learn it you don’t have to keep being retaught it or keep letting down others.

If this is your power and control move - not doing basic things correctly to piss off your loved ones- then get a divorce.

Or, pick your battles. You don't need to die on every hill.

Or divorce. Life’s too short to live with a messy idiot and pretend he’s not a messy idiot.

Why do people marry these idiots? Did op never visit his home? Eat a meal with him? It’s like all a big shock after the wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop asking him to set the table, obviously. I swear people on here nag for nagging's sake.

This. It's not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. Why are you intentionally setting yourself up to be irritated?

Agreed.

I get it op. Im all about manners. You teach your kid leave him out of it.

[Anonymous]

Setting the table isn’t a life skill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Print this out and leave it near the table.

Do regular people really do this?

If you're not using an oyster fork for every meal what are you, a peasant?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Setting the table isn’t a life skill.

I agree with this. I went to etiquette class when I was in middle school and we learned where everything went. But if I'm throwing a fancy party with multiple utensils I can't remember where the go so I Google it. Of all the skills I have, this is an easy one to let go of because you can pull up the information any time you want.

When we eat a meal as a family someone will get the napkins and utensils and water cups and put them on the table. I don't care where they are. If my fork is on the right or they're all together in the middle of the table, doesn't matter. And I'm very Type A and anal retentive (i.e. I like all the labels of everything in the fridge facing forward and my pantry looks like a grocery store), but utensil placement, given that everything moves as soon as everyone sits down to eat, isn't on my radar.

That said, OP, if this is truly important to you, then you can have a serious talk with your husband about it. I personally don't impose my rules (i.e. everything facing forward in the fridge) on other people because I save my requests for things that matter more. But if this is a thing that matters more to you, then by all means sit down and tell your husband that you care about how the table is set.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Setting the table isn’t a life skill.

I agree with this. I went to etiquette class when I was in middle school and we learned where everything went. But if I'm throwing a fancy party with multiple utensils I can't remember where the go so I Google it. Of all the skills I have, this is an easy one to let go of because you can pull up the information any time you want.

When we eat a meal as a family someone will get the napkins and utensils and water cups and put them on the table. I don't care where they are. If my fork is on the right or they're all together in the middle of the table, doesn't matter. And I'm very Type A and anal retentive (i.e. I like all the labels of everything in the fridge facing forward and my pantry looks like a grocery store), but utensil placement, given that everything moves as soon as everyone sits down to eat, isn't on my radar.

That said, OP, if this is truly important to you, then you can have a serious talk with your husband about it. I personally don't impose my rules (i.e. everything facing forward in the fridge) on other people because I save my requests for things that matter more. But if this is a thing that matters more to you, then by all means sit down and tell your husband that you care about how the table is set.

If you have to have a family meeting with another adult about setting the table, you might be insane.

[Anonymous]

There must be other issues going on if this is such a trigger for OP.

It sounds more like he truly doesn’t care, not that he’s incapable of learning. Plus OP has probably nagged him and belittled him so much that he purposely won’t ever do it correctly.

They both sound immature but also, in a marriage, pick your battles. If they’re having guests then OP sets the table. It’s really not rocket science to figure out a solution. Also, it’s not the hill to die on.

[Anonymous]

Death by a 1000 cuts. Being married to a selfish fool like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Setting the table isn’t a life skill.

I agree with this. I went to etiquette class when I was in middle school and we learned where everything went. But if I'm throwing a fancy party with multiple utensils I can't remember where the go so I Google it. Of all the skills I have, this is an easy one to let go of because you can pull up the information any time you want.

When we eat a meal as a family someone will get the napkins and utensils and water cups and put them on the table. I don't care where they are. If my fork is on the right or they're all together in the middle of the table, doesn't matter. And I'm very Type A and anal retentive (i.e. I like all the labels of everything in the fridge facing forward and my pantry looks like a grocery store), but utensil placement, given that everything moves as soon as everyone sits down to eat, isn't on my radar.

That said, OP, if this is truly important to you, then you can have a serious talk with your husband about it. I personally don't impose my rules (i.e. everything facing forward in the fridge) on other people because I save my requests for things that matter more. But if this is a thing that matters more to you, then by all means sit down and tell your husband that you care about how the table is set.

If you have to have a family meeting with another adult about setting the table, you might be insane.

I don't disagree with you because this doesn't mean anything to me, or clearly to you. But it apparently does mean a lot to OP. I think OP's choices are (1) decide that this is a hill she will die on and she needs to discuss it with her husband or (2) let it go. Seething with anger every time he sets the table wrong is not an option. I mean, it is, I guess, if you want to be miserable and destroy your marriage.

My husband is in charge of taking out the trash. I do it as needed sometimes, but I take the bags out and put them down and replace the bags in the bins first, then walk the trash outside. Or I leave the bin drawer open so that I notice immediately upon walking back inside that I need to put new bags in. My husband has a tendency to take the bags out and close the drawer and then I open it later to throw something away and there are no bags. It drives me nuts because I'm used to there always being bags so sometimes I drop something in without stopping to check, and now there's pasta sauce all over the bin and I have to wash it out. This happened more than once and so I brought it up to him. Not in a yelling way, but just to say hey, this is a problem, so please replace the bags every time you take the trash out, and now he mostly does (although he didn't yesterday and now the bin is dirty...). I'm not going to bring it up again and I'm not going to seethe about it and it isn't something that's going to take down our marriage, but it's annoying and it has an easy fix so I do expect him to step up and solve the problem (1) because it's a basic and easy ask that is clearly associated with the task of taking out the trash and (2) I don't like it when there aren't bags in there.

You can think I'm insane if you want, it doesn't bother me because we're not married. So while I think OP is being silly about the intensity of the table setting she seems to want for every meal, if this matters to her, then she needs to do something about it (and as I said, I don't think quietly seething is a productive way to handle it).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Setting the table was a big deal when I was growing up, and it’s always been a priority for me to lead by example so our kids gain this life skill.

DH grew up in a family that ate standing around the kitchen, on the couch, asynchronously etc - they did not have formalized meals. As a result, DH doesn’t know how to set a table. When I ask him to, forks and knives are flung around, napkins haphazardly placed, no drinks etc.

It sounds small but it drives me nuts. I’ve tried to emphasize both that this is important to me and explain how to do it, but he doesn’t seem to care.

He’s a bit absentminded in general, and loving, but not a details person.

How to deal?

Setting the table is paying attention to detail. He's not a details person. You (hopefully) knew this when you married him. So just make this your task, since it matters to you. You be the one to set the table (he can do something else before or after dinner) and you be the one to teach the kids (and then they can also help do it). This isn't his thing, so rather than trying to make him care about it, I would let it go.

[Anonymous]

While I'm not someone who's big on table setting and only really does it for holidays, it does seem a bit ridiculous a grown adult can't do a basic job of it.

This was something my mom and grandmother were into and I was doing it at age 9 or so. It's not a difficult thing to do and just tossing stuff on the table seems a bit off.