Living apart on weekdays because of job

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I turned down a great job offer when my oldest was a baby because it would have required this arrangement for what we thought would be two years. I have had a very different career trajectory as a result - not bad, just different. If you are both employed and doing well, I don't think doubling one salary is worth giving up every weekday with a parent.

I think it’s absolutely fine in previous generations most children really didn’t see their dad much at all even when they were living in the same house and married my mom never saw her dad except Sundays at dinner that is it because he was working. I never saw my daddy either because he was working and there were several years when he did not live with us because there was a better job further away. It’s totally fine. People are making way too big a deal of this him seeing the kids every weekend is fine.

"I had an absentee father and turned out fine!"

If you are encouraging other absentee fathers, you did not in fact, turn out fine.

How do you know they did not turn out of fine?

Because they are encouraging fathers to abandon their children. Clearly they aren't fine if they think that's a good thing.

[Anonymous]

"I would do it happily. We'd save it all for college and early retirement."

I would not do it. The difference in what you can buy isn't enough for what you'd have to give up. At $300K you can already afford to send your kids to college and retire by 65. The extra money just means you do all that in a fancier house and driving a fancier car, but you have to give up BEING THERE with your children during the only years in which they'll be living in your home. You only get one 8th grade first dance with your kid. You only get one opportunity to be there when they sit for the SATs. You only get once chance to drop them off at camp the first summer they're a counselor. I only had one child and I was divorced by the time he was in 7th grade. I consider it a blessing that during the divorce negotiations I had to look at the calendars for the next 6 years and plot out which of us he'd be with on each Christmas, each 4th of July, each birthday. It made me realize that my time with him was finite. Now that he's off at college I'm so glad that I was "awake" and mindful throughout those precious years.

[Anonymous]

I can't tell you what to do but I'm an advocate for family to be together. Father's presence has more value than doing gfair share of chores, though that's an important part of good parenting. Give children incentives and support to make this move.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This was the exact arrangement that happened during my childhood but it was a pay cut after a layoff and failed job search.

As a kid, it was good. My dad brought a lot of tension into the house and a new job arrangement relieved it. I did have to change my activities. I was going to join a travel soccer club but instead did more low-key sports for a year or two then switched to school-based sports.

My parents had not been happy and the arrangement gave everyone space. Interestingly, when my dad retired moved back when I was in college, their relationship became a very deep loving and supportive friendship- like an ideal golden years relationship.

As someone going through an unwanted divorce now, I wish my DH had considered creative alternatives to blowing our family up.

One note of warning: people will make comments to you and the kids unless this is some kind of altruistic job, like medicine or firefighting. Let it roll off your back. I promise it is better than divorce. [/quote]

What will people say and how will they even know?[/quote]

People notice that kids decline invites because they don’t have a ride, or mom arranges new carpools, or dad isn’t at basketball.

[b]Both us kids and my mom got questions about when my dad was going to find a local job, why he hadn’t found a local job, were my parents divorced, etc. People are nosy and think they’re being subtle. [/b]

It would have been better if my mom had gotten in front of those comments and just explained that it was a better job opportunity and the didn’t want to uproot us kids. Own the narrative and you’ll be fine.[/quote]

This is a lot of over sharing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much is twice his salary? I think it's a bell curve - from $20K to $40K is not meaningless but it's not enough to provide a replacement for the care lost by one parent. I think $250k-500k to $500k-1m is the top of the bell curve - those are significant amounts of money that could make a big difference in terms of lifestyle down the road (i.e. college) but could also provide coverage for additional assistance now. Beyond $1m, how much more money do you need?

Going from 300k to 600k. We don't NEED to do this to survive, which somehow makes the decision harder.

There’s no reason not to do this. He can always quit a job later or move later or something. People are making it out like this is a terrible idea and it’s just not increasing your income by this month can provide everyone a better future. No one‘s going through some great loss if they only see their dad on weekends. In many marriages, the dad works a lot and the kids don’t see them so it doesn’t matter if he’s there every single day plus weekend is good quality time and people are busy on the weekdays. No one sees anyone on the weekdays in my family because we are all too busy doing stuff running around between schoolwork and extracurricular activities. It’s not quality time on the weekdays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I turned down a great job offer when my oldest was a baby because it would have required this arrangement for what we thought would be two years. I have had a very different career trajectory as a result - not bad, just different. If you are both employed and doing well, I don't think doubling one salary is worth giving up every weekday with a parent.

I think it’s absolutely fine in previous generations most children really didn’t see their dad much at all even when they were living in the same house and married my mom never saw her dad except Sundays at dinner that is it because he was working. I never saw my daddy either because he was working and there were several years when he did not live with us because there was a better job further away. It’s totally fine. People are making way too big a deal of this him seeing the kids every weekend is fine.

This is very true. Women today will not accept this arrangement. Sleeping in separate bedroom was common. Today, its a sign of marital distress. Even if your spouse has horrible sleeping habits, you have to endure lack of sleep because separate bedroom OMG no that's the end of the marriage

I’m in my 40s and I think it’s an ideal situation. It worked for my mother and it worked for my grandmother. It’s fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I turned down a great job offer when my oldest was a baby because it would have required this arrangement for what we thought would be two years. I have had a very different career trajectory as a result - not bad, just different. If you are both employed and doing well, I don't think doubling one salary is worth giving up every weekday with a parent.

I think it’s absolutely fine in previous generations most children really didn’t see their dad much at all even when they were living in the same house and married my mom never saw her dad except Sundays at dinner that is it because he was working. I never saw my daddy either because he was working and there were several years when he did not live with us because there was a better job further away. It’s totally fine. People are making way too big a deal of this him seeing the kids every weekend is fine.

"I had an absentee father and turned out fine!"

If you are encouraging other absentee fathers, you did not in fact, turn out fine.

A man who sees his kids three days a week is not an absentee father. There are hardly any times on the weekday anyway; you’re not getting it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I turned down a great job offer when my oldest was a baby because it would have required this arrangement for what we thought would be two years. I have had a very different career trajectory as a result - not bad, just different. If you are both employed and doing well, I don't think doubling one salary is worth giving up every weekday with a parent.

I think it’s absolutely fine in previous generations most children really didn’t see their dad much at all even when they were living in the same house and married my mom never saw her dad except Sundays at dinner that is it because he was working. I never saw my daddy either because he was working and there were several years when he did not live with us because there was a better job further away. It’s totally fine. People are making way too big a deal of this him seeing the kids every weekend is fine.

"I had an absentee father and turned out fine!"

If you are encouraging other absentee fathers, you did not in fact, turn out fine.

How do you know they did not turn out of fine?

Because they are encouraging fathers to abandon their children. Clearly they aren't fine if they think that's a good thing.

Are you stupid because if you see your kids three days a week that’s not abandonment. You’re ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much is twice his salary? I think it's a bell curve - from $20K to $40K is not meaningless but it's not enough to provide a replacement for the care lost by one parent. I think $250k-500k to $500k-1m is the top of the bell curve - those are significant amounts of money that could make a big difference in terms of lifestyle down the road (i.e. college) but could also provide coverage for additional assistance now. Beyond $1m, how much more money do you need?

Going from 300k to 600k. We don't NEED to do this to survive, which somehow makes the decision harder.

I couldn't do this long term, even for an extra $300K a year. My kids are only in our house for so many years, I couldn't stand for either of us to miss out so much on that time because you'll never get it back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I turned down a great job offer when my oldest was a baby because it would have required this arrangement for what we thought would be two years. I have had a very different career trajectory as a result - not bad, just different. If you are both employed and doing well, I don't think doubling one salary is worth giving up every weekday with a parent.

I think it’s absolutely fine in previous generations most children really didn’t see their dad much at all even when they were living in the same house and married my mom never saw her dad except Sundays at dinner that is it because he was working. I never saw my daddy either because he was working and there were several years when he did not live with us because there was a better job further away. It’s totally fine. People are making way too big a deal of this him seeing the kids every weekend is fine.

This is very true. Women today will not accept this arrangement. Sleeping in separate bedroom was common. Today, its a sign of marital distress. Even if your spouse has horrible sleeping habits, you have to endure lack of sleep because separate bedroom OMG no that's the end of the marriage

Huh? I'm 46 so maybe I'm part of the previous generation but my husband and I sleep in separate bedrooms because he snores terribly and I am a light sleeper. Our marriage is great, and likely even better because we both sleep well!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I would do it happily. We'd save it all for college and early retirement."

I would not do it. The difference in what you can buy isn't enough for what you'd have to give up. At $300K you can already afford to send your kids to college and retire by 65. The extra money just means you do all that in a fancier house and driving a fancier car, but you have to give up BEING THERE with your children during the only years in which they'll be living in your home. You only get one 8th grade first dance with your kid. You only get one opportunity to be there when they sit for the SATs. You only get once chance to drop them off at camp the first summer they're a counselor. I only had one child and I was divorced by the time he was in 7th grade. I consider it a blessing that during the divorce negotiations I had to look at the calendars for the next 6 years and plot out which of us he'd be with on each Christmas, each 4th of July, each birthday. It made me realize that my time with him was finite. Now that he's off at college I'm so glad that I was "awake" and mindful throughout those precious years.

Agreed. This is it. These are the good years. We don't live for our kids moving out and retirement. We live to enjoy the few years we have with our kids.

And yes, weekdays are a rush. But for kids life and relationships aren't just about "quality time" on weekends, it's who's there shuttling you around on the weeknights and making sure your homework is done. Presence matters.